Part Two
Phase Four
Sailor Moon is owned by people other than me. Big, powerful people like Toei, Kodansha, Bandai, and the great Naoko-sensei. However, I own my story. If you want to use it anywhere, please ask me first!
Please e-mail me with all comments. I love e-mail! I love comments! They make the perfect combination!
Sayonara,
Sailor Jes
P.S. The next phase should be out in a month!
- - -
"War is like love, it always finds a way."
-Bertolt Brecht
Someday
My friend:
We will
know Love -
Of its existence.
In time
Existing within it:
Becoming part of it.
You and I.
- Jonivan
- - -
"You WHAT!?!" they exclaimed.
"I told him no," Usagi answered meekly, after she had explained her rejectance of Seiya's proposal.
"U-Usagi-chan!" cried Ami. "How could you tell him no? I thought you loved him!"
"I do, but-"
"Are you crazy? If you married him, you could have been rich and famous!" Mako shouted, slapping her forehead.
"I don't want-"
"So, that's it? You guys are through?" Minako asked.
"Will you all calm down," Usagi yelled over her panicking friends. "Jeez! I loved Seiya. Heck, I still do love him. But...could you really see us with three children and a dog and a white picket fence? Could you see us old together?"
Ami, Mako, Minako, and Rei stood in the living room of the apartment shaking their heads incredulously. Shrugging, Usagi collapsed onto the sofa.
"I don't know," she continued, sighing. "Something just felt wrong about it. I considered accepting, I really did. I tried envisioning this enormous wedding and my long white gown but...when I saw the man standing next to me...it wasn't Seiya. It could never be Seiya."
"Well then who is it?" pressed Minako.
Usagi looked away. "I don't know."
The room fell silent and all four girls sat on the sofa or the floor. Usagi wondered what they were all thinking. Probably that she was the biggest idiot they had ever known. Kou Seiya, the dashing rock-star, the love of her life, had just offered the rest of his life to her and she had brushed it aside like a loose hair. What had she been thinking?
It hit her then. She couldn't see Seiya anymore. Couldn't call him. Couldn't kiss him. She wasn't the envy of every girl in Japan anymore. Seiya had offered her a ring and the world along with it. She had refused. There was no more Seiya.
"Oh, God..." she said, rubbing her temples with her fingers.
"What is it?" Mako asked.
"Oh, my God..." she repeated, fingers beginning to tremble.
"Usagi-chan, are you okay?" Ami asked.
"What have I done?" Usagi whispered. "How could I have done that?"
"Usagi, things will be fine. You'll live," Rei said.
Standing, Usagi shook her head furiously. "No. What have I done?" She began pacing around the room, muttering things to herself. The four girls glanced at each other worriedly.
"Usagi-chan, sit down. Mako-chan can make you some tea, you'll take a long hot bath. Everything will be fine. Just relax," Minako urged.
"No! Everything will not be fine!" hollered Usagi. "Do you know what I've done? I've just thrown the rest of my life away! I'm going to die a spinster! How could I have been so stupid? What am I going to do?"
Stamping her foot on the ground twice, Usagi turned away from her friends and let out a whimper. The sound, however small and contained, was horrible-like a dying whale. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Shocked, her friends sat in complete silence. Like Usagi, it was too much for them to handle.
Usagi's cries subsided just as fast as they had begun. Wiping her eyes, she walked towards the door of the apartment, flung it open, and left it that way as she disappeared down the hall. Ami, Rei, Minako, and Makoto remained in stunned silence, each too afraid to open their mouths or to get up and close the door.
She waited for the bus. Any bus, it didn't matter. When one came squealing to a halt in front of her, she got on, not even checking the route number. Stumbling towards the back, Usagi plopped down in a vacant window seat. She leaned her head against the glass and watched the world whiz by. Everything seemed to be operating as normal. It was the same scene as always: the streets were packed with businessmen rushing to meetings, housewives loaded with bags of groceries, children in their school uniforms laughing and eating candy. Nothing had changed. Except for Usagi. The bus stopped.
"Hey, miss," yelled the bus driver. "This is the last stop. You gotta get off."
Snapping her head up from the window, Usagi saw that she was the only person left on the bus. Rising, she slowly made her way down the aisle. Usagi nodded to the bus driver as she exited. The brakes hissed and the bus roared down the street. Where was she? She hadn't even checked to see where she was going. Looking across the street, Usagi's heart leapt into her
throat. She was standing directly opposite of Club Reality. Only the dark windows and neon sign were gone. Painted on the door read: "Jazz Club. Open."
Usagi stared at the building. It seemed friendlier than before. Maybe because it was daytime. Maybe because it was no longer the darkened night club where her life had fallen apart. She crossed the street. Peering into the window, she saw a man playing on the piano, tables lit by candles and a bar with a few people sitting at it. The mat by the door said "You're always welcome." Usagi pushed the door open and entered.
A gentle wave of notes filled her ears. The piano music was like cool water on a sunburn. She listened and then walked to a table and sat down.
"Can I get you something, miss?" asked a young waiter.
"Just water, please."
Usagi focused her attention back to the man playing the piano. His sandy hair brushed along the top of his closed eyelids. Hands moving over the keys, his music, to Usagi, was like the wind over leaves. It was soothing and beautiful. She believed she had never heard better. And, oh, hadn't she heard music before. No, she told herself, it's over. Get Seiya out of your head. Propping her head in her hand, Usagi gazed into the glass of icy water just set before her. How had her life gotten this way? She felt like the lone ice cubes submerged under frosty waters. Regret wasn't what she felt. More like...confusion, indirection. Her eyes teared up.
"Haruka's music has a tendency to do that to me too," said a clear, high voice.
Usagi glanced up. A woman with wavy aqua hair stood before her.
"Can I sit?" she asked.
Nodding, Usagi gestured to an empty seat next to her.
"If I had to put a word to it, I would say that Haruka's music sounds like a spring breeze. Like when you lift your face to the sky and the wind brushes over it gently, almost like fingers. It moves me in that way," the woman says.
"That's a beautiful way of putting it," Usagi replied.
The woman beamed. "Why, thank you. I'm glad you said that. Beauty is an important thing."
Raising her eyebrows, Usagi seemed half-confused, half-mystified by this complete stranger. The woman chuckled.
"I'm not crazy. You could have said 'nice' or 'pretty' but you said beautiful. Beauty is one step away from love. When something moves you, when you hear music and call it magnificent, when you see a tree and thinks its the most glorious tree in all the world, isn't it love?"
Usagi nodded. "Yes. I suppose you're right."
"Haruka's music...I love it. It's beauty to me."
"Is Haruka your boyfriend?" Usagi asked.
The woman looked at Usagi strangely and then laughed. "Well, I've never thought of Haruka that way, but I suppose you could say that. I guess we cross that line."
"What line?"
"Technically, we're friends, that's it. But I suppose I love Haruka enough to place our relationship in the category of 'lovers.'"
"I-I don't understand."
"You don't? You've never had a friend who you loved so much that you often wondered if you were really more than friends?"
Usagi opened her mouth to say no, but suddenly stopped herself. There was Mamo-chan. She had always believed their friendship existed in a territory that wasn't exactly based on comradeship. Usagi wouldn't classify it as love...but had it really been friendship like that with Minako or Mako or Rei or Ami?
"I did, once," Usagi replied.
"And what happened?" the woman asked.
Shrugging, Usagi answered "He wanted something more. I didn't. I was in a committed relationship."
The woman's green eyes became brooding and serious. "But you loved him, didn't you?"
"I did, but in a friendly way."
"Then you liked him."
"No, I-I loved him...but in a non-romantic way."
The woman shook her head. "Love in a non-romantic way is like."
Pondering this, Usagi said "No. We didn't 'like' each other. It was more than that. I loved him. I would have done anything for him. I could have been with him for a whole day and not have gotten sick of him. We could have been together for a whole day and not have said a word to each other and have been content with it. It wasn't 'like.'"
Saying nothing, the woman stared at Haruka for a while. Finally, she spoke.
"And with the other man? Your boyfriend? Could you do those things with him?"
"Of course..." Usagi said, the words dying on her tongue. "Actually, I don't know. I never...Come to think of it, I guess we couldn't. I don't know...things are very confusing for me now."
"Can I tell you one more thing?" the woman said.
Staring down into her glass, Usagi nodded.
"Alright," the aqua-haired woman said. "A poet named Keats once said 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty.' Think about that for a while."
The song Haruka was playing ended and the few people in the jazz club applauded. Usagi saw the woman's eyes gleaming. She wondered if her eyes had ever shined with that much love for Seiya. Turning to her, the woman said:
"Well, I'm up next." She gestured to a violin case at her feet. "It was nice talking to you, Miss-?"
"Usagi. Tsukino Usagi."
The woman bowed. "Nice to meet you Tsukino-san. I'm Michiru. Kai'oh Michiru."
The words rung distant in her mind. Kai'oh Michiru.
"The painter?" Usagi asked.
Michiru nodded. "I suppose. But if I must be labeled, I prefer 'Kai'oh Michiru the violinist.' My painting is just a hobby. I'll see you later."
Picking up her violin case, she paced towards the stage to join Haruka. Bewildered, Usagi stared at Michiru. It had to be more than a coincidence...Usagi had given Mamoru a Kai'oh painting. Kai'oh Michiru had given her the words "Beauty is truth, truth beauty." Usagi had given Mamoru a beautiful painting. He had loved it. He had loved her. "Beauty is truth, truth beauty." Usagi had given Mamoru beauty.
A high, sad note of a violin filled her ears. A wave of piano keys followed. Usagi gazed at the duo-a pianist and a violinist. Together, they made music that caused Usagi's heart to beat wildly. Two "friends" could do that...No. Usagi shook her head. Not me and Mamo-chan. Haruka and Michiru, they're different. It's a different situation. Love is different for everybody, isn't it?
For the first time in her life, Usagi's birthday was miserable. Turning twenty meant she was officially old. The freedom of the teenage years was gone. She was alone and drifting and old!
Her parents had thrown a small surprise party for her. Only her mom and dad, Shingo, Ami, Rei, Minako, and Makoto. It should have been one of those moments when one feels grateful to have such loving people surrounding them. But all Usagi could think about was the loving people that weren't there: Seiya and, especially, Mamoru. She had waited for a card from him. Seiya had sent a card. An overly sappy one with flowers and candles on the front. Usagi had read it and then thrown it away. Mamoru's cards had always been her favorite. He knew how to pick out the ones that were funny but not cheesy. The ones with the cute animals or the clever people. The card hadn't come. Maybe it would today. Or tomorrow. Maybe Usagi was just kidding herself.
When the birthday cake emerged from the kitchen shining with twenty candles, Usagi teared up.
"I'm just so happy," she told her family and friends.
It was quite the opposite. The light of the candles blurred in her eyes. It was like her life. Nothing made sense, everything had become out-of-focus.
"Make a wish, Usagi!" Shingo cried as she blew out the candles.
Closing her eyes, Usagi didn't quite know what to wish for. There were so many things...and birthdays only come once a year. This wish couldn't be wasted. Thinking hard on her most passionate desire, Usagi suddenly felt something pop into her head. Him. I just want him back.
"Okay," she said, popping her eyes open.
"What'd you wish for?" Minako asked.
"Minako-chan," Rei scolded. "If she tells you, then she won't get what she wished for!"
Usagi smiled and gazed down at the cake. The pink icing read: "May all your dreams come true."
It was the hottest summer in three decades, declared the news. Sweltering, unbearable heat. The kind where you could see the air around you trembling. A heat so thick and heavy, you broke into a sweat just by stepping outside.
Usagi was miserable. Besides being hot almost every waking moment, she was also disgustingly bored. Ami was studying in Europe. Rei was back in the mountains, having a great time according to her recent letter. Mako taught little kids cooking for half the day. That left Minako who didn't wake up until noon and usually just wanted to shop or watch TV. Usagi had a lot of time on her hands and she spent most of it thinking and writing.
She went to the park on Tuesdays to watch the baseball games. At least that was what she told herself. Deep inside, she hoped to see Mamoru there. She had it all figured out. From across the bleachers, she would spy him. She would go up to him and beg him for their friendship back. "Please, oh, please, Mamo-chan. I miss you so much." Sometimes, she would cry. Usually, she wouldn't have to since he was so eager to be friends, too.
But, he never came. And she'd sit through the whole game in sweltering misery.
Often, she'd play the "what if" game with herself. "What if I had called him one more time?" "What if I had went up to him when I saw him in the library?" "What if I hadn't been so hard-headed?" "What if I hadn't yelled at him so much?" She'd play out the situations in her mind. Every time they would end with "happily ever after."
Her writing was better than ever. The ideas were coming so fast she didn't know what to do with herself. Halfway into a story about a girl whose best friend had moved away, she thought of a tale where two people meet each other at weekly soccer games and spring up a friendship. One, about a star-crazed girl who's so consumed in her obsession that she loses her boyfriend, was so good Usagi considered submitting it to a magazine for publication. She decided against it at the last minute, nearly ripping it out of the mailman's hands.
Finally, one balmy August day, Ami returned from Germany, Rei from the mountains, Mako's cooking lessons finished, and Usagi found herself sitting in her room pondering the day before her third year of college.
School had started. Already, two weeks into the semester, practically the whole school knew that her and Seiya had split up and that he was in some far-off city singing his heart out with his brothers. The Three Lights were sorely missed by all on campus, especially the single girls.
One evening, while sitting in her room reading a book, Usagi heard a knock on her door.
"Yeah?" she said.
Minako opened the door and peeked her head in. "This came for you today, Usagi-chan."
Entering the room, Minako handed her a pink envelope and then left. Inspecting it, Usagi wondered who sent it. She flipped it over to try to locate a return address but there was none. However, Usagi didn't need a return address. Heart leaping up into her throat, she knew who had sent it just by the small, neat handwriting of her address. She ripped open the envelope to see a birthday card. There they were, two adorable little birds, having a witty conversation. She opened the card and read the rest of the message. Laughing, Usagi also noticed a few photographs were enclosed in the card. There was a message, short and curt:
Dear Usagi,
Happy Birthday. Sorry it's late. I was away.
Sincerely,
Mamoru
It knawed at her insides. He could be so good at being so cold. But he had remembered and he had sent something. Next, Usagi picked up the stack of pictures enclosed. All pictures of him and her. There was one from a picnic they had taken the summer before. One of her sleeping on the couch of his apartment. They had seemed trivial when taken, but now they were
gold nuggets. One picture made Usagi freeze. Taken the night of Seiya's CD release party, the picture was of Usagi and Mamoru standing next to each other, smiling broadly. Usagi held it so tightly, the photo began trembling.
They had taken so many pictures together, but never had one looked like this. Her arm was wrapped around his waist and his, around her shoulder. She was leaning her head on his shoulder. Maybe it was the nice clothes he had been wearing or the lighting, but Mamoru looked bewitchingly handsome in the picture. She had always thought he was good-looking but his face had never made her heart yearn for him before. Slipping it behind the others, Usagi figured that it was probably just this picture.
But the next picture was of Mamoru in a cotton T-shirt and jeans and Usagi's heart flipped in her chest. Staring at the glossy photo, Usagi felt a strong desire to see him, to touch him, to smell his cologne, to hear his voice, his laughter, anything. A wave of desperation washed through her. Bounding off her bed, Usagi crouched on her knees and looked under it. There it was, just as she left it, over a half a year ago. A dusty cardboard shoe box. Grabbing it, Usagi ripped the lid open. She sighed and stared at its contents.
The crystal moon, the pearl earrings, the pictures, the silly doo-dads, a faded blue T-shirt, everything was him. Turning the box over, she dumped it all on the floor. All the memories...so many of them. So many smiles and tears. A lot of things had happened between her and Mamoru that had changed her views about him.
Usagi had read somewhere that you know all you'll ever need to know about a person just by the first glance. That everything else you'll ever feel for them is rubbish. She wondered how she had felt about Mamoru the first time she had seen him. Her true feelings were buried under a lot of experiences and biases. Closing her eyes, Usagi tried hard to relive that first day when she had walked into Class 2...
...The door had creaked open and principal Uematsu had walked in first and whispered something to the teacher. Hiding behind the door, Usagi could see the student sitting at the first desk who she later would discover was a boy named Koichi. Her heart was pounding in her chest and all Usagi could think of was Naru, her best friend back home. She would be in second period now, Home Ec, if she were home. Just then, she saw Uemastu-san call her over. Swallowing her fears down, Usagi exhaled and stepped into the class. All eyes were on her, inspecting her and judging her as she was them.
While the teacher introduced her, she gazed around the room. All new faces, some eager, some bored, some pretentious. None familiar. Ito-sensei pointed her to her new seat. Face burning as she strolled down the aisle, Usagi finally reached her desk. The gazed to the right at the boy sitting next to her. He stared back at her, not enthusiastically or curiously or snobbishly, just stared. Usagi met his gaze for a second or so. Of all the eyes in the room glaring at her, here were his, blue like her own. Like she were staring into herself. The nervous thumping in her chest relaxed and her pulse returned to normal...
Usagi stared at the picture, the one with her and Mamoru before that night at Club Reality. It was still there in his eyes, the comfort, the familiarity. When she looked into them, even in a picture, she felt like she were staring at her own reflection in a deep lake. Did he feel the same way? At least, ‘had’ he felt the same way? The memory of that first day seemed so distant and cloudy in her head. Had that really happened? Usagi marveled at the change. From grateful relief, to bitter hate and back again. She supposed some things just transformed like night into dawn, gradually, unnoticed.
Looking down at the picture, Usagi blinked in surprise. She felt like she were looking at it anew. Mamo-chan, she thought. There's so much I have to say to you. Why is it so hard?
The picture grew blurry and then Usagi heard a small ‘pat’. There, splotched on the glossy paper, rolling over Mamoru's face, was a single tear.
‘Oh, God, Mamo-chan. I can't stand this anymore,’ Usagi thought. ‘I need you.’
"I...I love you," she whispered.
She set the picture down and broke her promise. Usagi cried for Mamoru.
Tapping her foot impatiently, Usagi checked her watch for the third time. Rei was almost half an hour late. The situation was quite abnormal; usually it was Usagi who was never prompt. Being on the other side of the deal was agitating. Finally, at 3:52, thirty-seven minutes after the supposed meeting time, Rei came dashing up to the bench in the courtyard of K.O.
"Usagi, I am soooo sorry," she apologized.
"I've been waiting since 3:15 for you, Rei-chan!" Usagi scolded.
"You were on time?" Rei asked.
"For once, yes, I was! What took you so long?"
"Oh, my boyfriend's car broke down and I had to go pick him up. I'm really sorry."
Usagi looked surprised. "Boyfriend? Rei-chan, since when have you had a boyfriend? Why haven't you filled me in on all this good stuff?"
Blushing, Rei replied "Well, we've only been official for about two weeks but I met him over the summer when I went to the mountains. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Usagi, but I thought, with what happened to Seiya and you...well, I just didn't want to seem like I was bragging."
Usagi swallowed down the tinge of remorse upon hearing Seiya's name and smiled. "Oh, Rei-chan, you didn't have to feel like you were bragging. I'm really happy for you. So, tell me, what's he like?"
The two girls began walking together while Rei nearly gushed with happiness. "He's the sweetest guy you could ever meet. Witty, charming, full of energy. He's got this really deep, romantic side to him...you know, roses and moonlit walks and all. And, oh man, is he fine."
Usagi squealed as any girl thrilled by the thought of Prince Charming would. Giggling, Rei continued:
"Usagi, he's got these eyes. I can't find words to describe them. They're the most intense dark blue I've ever seen. When he looks at me, I feel like a hooked fish being reeled in against my will. His eyes are that powerful."
Usagi exhaled silently. ‘To feel like that,’ she thought. ‘I've never felt like that.’ Then, she thought ‘No. I have felt like that before. But...’ Usagi recalled the first day of school in Juuban. Her heart flipped in her ribcage.
"Rei-chan, you're very lucky to feel so strongly about someone," Usagi commented.
"I know. Usagi, I'm so in love with this guy. I want him to be 'the one.'"
Usagi smiled. "Rei-chan, I'm really happy for you."
Beaming, Rei replied "Thanks, Usagi. It means a lot to me. Now, let's go. I'm starving."
Usagi nodded and laughed and the two girls continued walking.
Usagi glared at the phone. It was tempting her and she had to resist. Call him, it sang. So this was the siren's voices that Odysseus had staunchly resisted. Brave, brave man, Usagi thought.
Sitting at the kitchen table, Usagi propped her head in her hand and remained looking at the silent phone. Just then, Minako walked in with an empty glass. She peered at her friend who seemed engrossed by the phone on the wall.
"Usagi-chan?" she asked.
"Hmm?"
"Might I ask what you're doing?"
Snapping out of her staring contest with the telephone, Usagi glanced at Minako guiltyly.
"Uh...nothing," Usagi replied.
"So, then why are you sitting here staring at the phone? Are you expecting a call?"
Usagi swallowed. "Uh...no. It's not like that. Minako-chan, can I ask you a question?"
"You just did," Minako joked, washing her dirty glass out.
"Ha ha. Okay. If there were somebody you really, ‘really’ wanted to speak to, and you knew that they might not want to speak to you because they were angry with you and you hadn't spoken to that person in a ‘really’ long time, would you call them?"
Spinning around, Minako let her eyes grow wide with excitement. "Are you talking about Mamoru-san?"
Usagi felt like falling out of her chair but she attempted to remain calm. She felt her body grow warm. "No! Why would I be talking about Mamo-chan? I can't stand him!" she blurted out.
Minako smirked. "Please, Usagi-chan, I may not be in K.O. University but you can't fool the Love Goddess. It's Mamoru-san, isn't it?"
Diverting her eyes from Minako's eager stare, Usagi picked at a knick in the table. She remained silent.
"Why do you want to call him all of a sudden?" Minako asked softly.
"I...I've actually been considering it for a week," Usagi replied after a while. "It's eating me up. I don't know what to do. I'll fall apart if he hangs up on me but I'm falling apart as it is."
Minako pulled out a chair, sat down next to Usagi, folded her hands on top of the table, and asked "What caused this sudden desire to speak to him?"
Usagi didn't want to say how that seeing that picture had made her realize how much she wanted him...and possibly in a more-than-friendly way. So, she shrugged.
"It's been almost a year," she murmured instead. "I think he should have forgiven me by now."
Minako lowered her face to meet Usagi's gaze. "Really?" Minako asked dryly.
Swallowing, Usagi nodded. Minako sighed.
"Usagi-chan, I love you like a sister, you know that. But I can't help you lie to yourself. You need to figure out what you want to gain by calling him and then you'll know or not you should."
Standing, Minako walked from the kitchen. Usagi watched her go and then slowly lowered her head to the smooth surface.
"It was our two month anniversary yesterday and he got me this," Rei said, displaying the thin gold bracelet wrapped around her wrist.
"Ohhh, it's beautiful," Usagi cooed. "And 24 karat. He's got great taste and I don't just mean with the bracelet, Rei-chan."
Rei giggled. "Thanks, Usagi. Aaah, being in love feels so good!"
Laughing, Usagi replied "It sounds as if this boyfriends of yours comes straight from the pages of a fairy tale."
Rei raised an eyebrow. "Don't make fun of me. You should meet him. See for yourself what I'm talking about."
"Ok, I'll meet him," replied Usagi. "You just tell me when and where and I'll be there."
"Actually, we're supposed to meet in an hour at the Crown. You can join us."
Usagi made a face. "I don't know, Rei-chan. Playing third wheel isn't exactly my favorite thing to do."
"Oh, Usagi, come on. You won't be third wheel. I promise you."
Shrugging, Usagi said "Ok, then I'll meet this Prince Charming of yours. We'll see if he's all that he's cracked up to be."
Squeezing her friend's shoulder, Rei answered "He'll be everything and more."
Rei pushed open the door to the Crown Fruit Parlor and walked in. Usagi followed. Glancing around the half-full restaurant, Rei couldn't spot the person she was looking for.
"I don't see him," she said. "We're a few minutes early anyways. I'm going to go to the bathroom to make myself gorgeous. Why don't you get us a table, Usagi-chan."
"Okee dokee," Usagi said, removing her coat.
She walked through the restaurant to snatch her favorite booth. It was the one by the window overlooking 10th Street where she could see all of the people passing by. Her and Mamoru always used to sit there. Striding towards the booth, Usagi noticed somebody already sipping coffee in it. She sighed and was about to grab a closer, more inferior booth when the person turned his face from the window to place his coffee cup onto the saucer. Usagi sucked in her breath and her heart plummeted into her knees before shooting up to her throat. There, at the booth, sat Mamoru.
He seemed very different--a lot older-looking, more sophisticated. Thin wire glasses framed his serious eyes. He wore a black turtleneck and grey pants as opposed to the Polo shirts and jeans she had always remembered him donning. The way he held folded his hands over each other on the table, while tapping his foot and gazing out of the window seemed so new, so vastly superior to Usagi. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe she was simply looking at him through a different set of eyes. A pair of eyes that had changed in their own right.
She was no more than twenty feet away from him and he hadn't noticed her yet. ‘This is the chance you've been waiting for, Usagi’ she told herself. ‘Talk to him. It's been a year. He'll forgive. And besides...you shouldn't be frightened by your own feelings.’ Sucking in a deep breath, Usagi found herself marching up to him.
There she was, close enough to touch him. He was gazing out of the window and still didn't notice. Usagi opened her mouth to speak and shut it. Her heart was pounding in her chest.
"Hi," she croaked.
She saw him turn his head around. His eyes, for one second, twinkled and then, like the sea when the sun becomes smothered by a cloud, turned dark with recognition.
"Usa," he whispered.
She stared down at him, lips pursed, and he gazed up at her. It was a moment filled with static energy. A moment ready to burst with emotion.
"I...I..." Usagi stuttered. "I like your glasses."
The emotion fizzled away like the carbonation from a opened can of soda. Mamoru seemed slightly surprised. Eyes still wide, he motioned for her to sit.
"Oh, I'm with somebody. We're waiting for her-"
"Mamoru!" called a voice from behind them.
Usagi, never taking her eyes from his face, noticed him look past her. With that one word, with that one look of utter elation as he looked past her at the person to whom the voice belonged, Usagi knew everything she needed to know. Her heart caved in on itself like a dying star.
"Oh, I see you two have already met," Rei remarked.
It was almost as if Usagi could hear her spirit cracking like glass. Biting the inside of her cheek to keep her throat from exploding, Usagi nodded. She couldn't speak. Mamoru did for her.
"Actually, we're old friends."
Sitting next to him in the booth, in Usagi and Mamoru's booth, Rei planted a kiss on his nose and gazed wide-eyed at them both.
"Really? That's so funny! I brought her here to meet you! Isn't that weird?"
Mamoru had to practically drag his gaze away from Usagi's. He forced a smile and replied "Yeah, weird."
Usagi nodded. "That...that is weird." She swallowed. The way Mamoru had looked at Usagi--it was like a video projection of their whole history had just flashed before her eyes. She saw everything in them--total recognition. Every word, every conversation, every emotion ever passed between the two of them was laid out, bare and exposed, in front of her. There was so much she needed to tell him.
To think that he was Rei's boyfriend...She would have never guessed. The idea was preposterous! They were completely wrong for each other. Rei was too rigid for him. She was too grounded. She didn't dream enough. She was... she was... just like Mamoru. Usagi wondered if this were really happening. Then, she wondered whether he really loved Rei. And finally, Usagi wondered whether he loved Rei more than he had loved her.
Mamoru looked at Rei and smiled. Usagi swallowed, glared at Mamoru, and blinked twice to relieve the burning in her eyes.
"Rei-chan, I just remembered that Minako-chan wanted me to help her find an outfit for an audition," Usagi lied. "I gotta go. I'll call you."
Usagi spun around before Rei could reply, her eyes taking hold of Mamoru's before she began walking away. She saw a deep guilt in them. The last thing she heard was Rei's reply:
"Uh...Ok, Usagi. I'll see you later."
Usagi stood outside the Crown clenching her fists so hard that indentations from her nails were left on her palm. Her arms were shaking with rage. She clenched her teeth so hard that she thought they would all crack. Eyes smarting with tears of fury, Usagi breathed heavily.
‘How could he?’ she thought. ‘How could he leave me hanging on a string like that? How could he tell me he loved me and then love another? How could he make me hurt so badly? How could he make me think I might have loved him if he gave me another chance?’
She hadn't realized she was running but suddenly her legs were moving underneath her. Bastard. She should have known. Hadn't Mamoru always been out to hurt her? Of course he would betray her! And with Rei! Granted he had no idea they were friends...but still.
Rei. How could Usagi be friends with her now? Knowing she had control over Mamoru's heart, knowing that Usagi wasn't the only girl in the world for him, how could she be civil to her!
Usagi ran. Past the lake, through the park, past shops and grocery stores. The setting sun spilled a yellow glow over everything. Everything warned her: caution. She slammed into a few pedestrians and didn't apologize. Her anger grew.
Two-timing jerk! Thirteen phone calls! Her relationship with Seiya! Her sanity! A year of waiting and wondering and hurting and asking "why!" A year of her life flushed down the drain because of him. And he hadn't even meant what he said! He hadn't loved her! And now she was trapped. Chained to his heart like a thin artery.
She slowed to a walk. Throwing her head up to the sky, Usagi let the dying lavender clouds see her eyes--tear-stained and desolate. She was outside of her apartment building. An overwhelming hopelessness coursed through her. Her skin tingled with goosebumps and she shivered. He didn't love her anymore. But...she loved--no, she wouldn't think about it. She shivered again and dragged her feet to her apartment. The tears wanted to slip from her eyes but she wouldn't let them because she didn't love Mamoru and she really didn't care that he was with Rei. Let the two of them get married for all she cared. Let them have a beautiful, white wedding with pink roses and a seven-layer cake. Usagi didn't care.
She pressed the button to the elevator and waited for it to open. Trudging in when it finally did open, she leaned her head against the soft padding on the wall. It rumbled as it rose. She imagined Rei and Mamoru's wedding. And then she imagined her own wedding. She pictured Mamoru there. Only, he wasn't a guest. He was waiting for her at the altar in a white suit, smiling. At that moment, when the thing she wanted most seemed impossibly beyond reach, Usagi craved nothing more than to have Mamoru's finger glide down her cheekbone. She thought this as the elevator opened and expelled her out on her floor. While she walked to her apartment, she pictured him gazing at her the he had gazed at Rei. Standing outside the door, she needed nothing else than his lips on her hers.
When she slipped the key in the door and realized that it could have been hers and now never would be, Usagi felt her will crumple. She burst into tears as the door swung open.
Minako, Makoto, and Ami were pretty used to seeing Usagi cry. She had been doing it a lot the past year. They knew that sometimes she needed a shoulder to cry on and sometimes she wanted to let out her frustrations alone in her room. Sometimes she would cry tears of anger, sometimes of sadness, and sometimes she would cry simply because she hadn't cried in a while. So, they knew when to be concerned and when not to be because they were used to Usagi's fits of depression.
Tonight was different. When Usagi had burst through the door, slammed it behind her, and then slumped against the wall sobbing, Ami had run to her side. ‘What is it this time?’ was the first thought to run through Ami's head. But, when she went to wrap her arm around Usagi's shoulders, Usagi pushed her away violently.
"Get away from me!" she yelled.
Mako and Minako had run into the room but froze when they heard their friend scream at Ami. Ami darted back and stared wild-eyed at Usagi.
"I-I didn't mean-" stuttered Ami.
"You didn't mean to feel sorry for me?" Usagi screamed "You didn't mean to think 'Here comes Usagi, crying as usual.' You probably presumed that I broke a nail or something! I don't need your pity! None of you! You don't even know how it feels! I...I..."
The yelling subsided and was replaced by her quiet sobs. Ami's eyes glistened with her own tears and she ran from the room. Shaking their heads, Mako and Minako gazed down at Usagi's withered form on the carpeting and then turned away to comfort their other injured friend.
Later that evening, after all the commotion had died down, Makoto sat on the sofa reading a book. Just then, the phone rang.
"Hello?" she answered.
"Hi, Mako-san?" replied a deep, somewhat familiar voice.
"Yeah, that's me."
"This is Mamoru."
Mako nearly dropped the receiver. She did drop her book. "Mamoru-san...I haven't heard from you in a while."
"I-I know. How have you been?"
"Alright. And you?"
"I've been...surviving."
A momentary silence elapsed. Then Mamoru asked: "Is Usa there?"
Again, Mako nearly dropped the receiver. "Yeah, she is. Hold on a sec."
Mako cupped her hand over the phone and yelled "Usagi-chan! Telephone!" She placed the phone up to her ear, awaiting Usagi's voice. Why had Mamoru called? Suddenly, Usagi's random outburst a few hours ago seemed to make sense.
"Hello?" Usagi asked. She heard a click, knowing Mako had hung up.
"Usa."
Her heart went still for a second and then burst into a furious pounding.
"Mamo-chan?" she whispered.
"Yeah, it's me...gosh, Usa, it's been a long time."
"A year."
"Yeah."
Silence. Usagi felt her breathing become more labored. She felt like crying again.
"Listen, Usa. I think we need to talk."
"Okay."
"But in person. Can I meet you somewhere tonight?"
Usagi sighed. "Mamo-chan, tonight is...I'm not feeling so good."
"Tomorrow, then?"
"Alright. Tomorrow is fine. Say four o' clock."
"Four o' clock at the Crown," Mamoru replied.
"Okay. See you then," Usagi nearly whispered.
"Bye."
Words failed her and she hung up the phone without saying a thing.
At 4:13, Usagi hesitantly walked into the Crown. She knew Mamoru would be there already because he was never late to anywhere he went. Walking to their typical booth, she spied him sitting there, nervously bobbing a straw up and down in his glass of water.
"Hey," she said, approaching the booth.
Glancing up at her, he smiled. Her nose and her cheeks were rosy from the biting cold. She was late, as usual. Yesterday had been a shock for Mamoru. Seeing her again, for the first time in a year, had stirred up something in him that he believed had settled to the bottom of his mind for good. He felt there was so many unresolved issues between the two of them. And, he genuinely wanted their friendship back.
"Hi," he replied.
Usagi removed her coat and sat down across from him.
"You look great," he said.
Smiling slightly, Usagi replied "So do you."
Looking up, Usagi caught his eyes for the first time. They twinkled with excitement and remembrance. They seemed like a old man's eyes as he gazed upon the playground he used to revel in as a child. The way he looked at her, a faint smile on his lips, caused a small fire to ignite on her face.
Just then, a waitress arrived and asked "What can I get you two?"
Mamoru said "I'll just have a cup of coffee."
Usagi answered "A hamburger and fries. A medium coke."
Once the waitress had taken their orders and left, Mamoru stared at her and chuckled.
"What?" Usagi asked.
"You haven't changed," Mamoru said.
"What do you mean I haven't changed?"
"You still order the same thing you used to."
Brushing her hair from her face, Usagi said "Just because I order the same thing doesn't mean I'm still the same person you knew a year ago."
She hadn't meant for her response to sound so desolate and depressing, but it had. And then an awful silence followed.
Finally, Mamoru asked "So, how's Seiya?"
The name was a fist to the stomach. Shrugging, Usagi answered "Your guess is as good as mine."
Mamoru's eyes grew wide. "You're not together anymore? I'd have thought by now you two would be planning the wedding."
"No," was all Usagi could say.
"Oh, well, I'm sorry."
The waitress saved the day again by bringing Mamoru's coffee and Usagi's Coke. Usagi took a long gulp from the glass to cool her burning insides. Out of the corner of her eye, she gazed at Mamoru emptying one package of Sweet and Low into his coffee. She could never understand why he just didn't use real sugar. He claimed he like the taste better. Usagi figured Mamoru would be the kind of person to like his sweetness to come with a bitter aftertaste. Well, maybe it was time he did get his share of the bitterness.
"So, how has this year been for you, Mamo-chan?" Usagi asked, raising an eyebrow.
Shrugging, Mamoru responded "It's had its high points and its low points."
"Really?" Usagi challenged. "Tell me about the low points. Did you sit in your room and cry a lot? Did you wait for your supposed best friend to return your thirteen phone calls? Did you wonder what you could have said and did differently to make him want to speak to you again? Tell me."
Wide-eyed, Mamoru stared at her. Then, unexpectedly, he began chuckling. The chuckle rose to an all-out laugh. Usagi became even angrier.
"I'm sorry! I didn't think I was so amusing!" she whispered harshly.
"Oh, Usa. How have I managed a whole year without you keeping me on my toes?"
Usagi narrowed her eyes and gathered her things to leave. As she stood up, Mamoru grabbed hold of her wrist.
"Hey, don't leave so soon. We have a whole year to catch up on."
Glaring at him, Usagi retorted "Don't patronize me, Mamo-chan. You may think that this is funny, but I don't see the humor! You hurt me!"
Mamoru's eyes grew serious as Usagi sat back down at the booth.
"Usa, I...I never meant to...make you feel bad. You have to understand that when you told me...when you said...what you did, I thought my life was over. I was an idiot and I'm sorry."
Usagi, who had been gazing down at her hands the whole time, raised her eyes to meet Mamoru's. The sight of them, those eyes that made her think and see and feel in completely new ways, caused Usagi's heart to tremor with longing. She nodded, accepting his apology.
"You know, a year ago I just wanted to crawl in a dark corner and die," Mamoru continued. "But now that I've met Rei I feel like a whole new person. She's unlike anyone I've ever met. I mean, have you ever seen anyone with hair that black and soft? And she memorized the entire second act of 'Romeo and Juliet.' I can't even understand the language! Did you know she has a first-degree black belt in judo and karate?"
"Yes, Mamo-chan, I did. Remember, we're good friends."
"Yeah, that's pretty remarkable, too," Mamoru added. "All this time I knew you and-"
"The girl of your dreams was just an arms length away," Usagi finished. Something in her tone, warned Mamoru that this might not be the best of subjects. She was probably still hurting because of him.
"Yeah," he replied. "So, how's your writing coming along?"
Upon mentioning that, Usagi's face brightened and she started off on her recent flood of inspiration, a writing contest she had won, hopes for future works. The way she talked, how she hunched over the table chatting quietly, made Mamoru think that they really hadn't been separated for a year. God, seeing and speaking to her again reminded him of how much he had missed her and maybe even how much he had cared for her. Hopefully, they could return to being best friends again. The way Usagi laughed when he interjected a witty remark made him believe that they could.
They remained at the booth until 7:27, eating, talking, and laughing but mostly just savoring each other's company for the first time in one year.
- - -
Stay tuned for Phase 5.
