Chapter Eleven
Disclaimers: Don't sue and don't copy!
AN. Decisions of the heart are always the hardest to see; but when you take a close look, don't expect to find exactly what you want.
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"It just felt wrong! I mean there was no emotion, it was just some physical attraction type of thing. Or something—Oh!" Serena was so frustrated she could just scream. She was pacing around her apartment picking things up and setting them back down again. She didn't know what she was doing, she held no control over her unleashed emotions and her body was simply trying to find something to do with itself.
"I don't know what I did, or what I'm doing and I haven't a clue as to what to do now and I can't even figure out whether or not I like the guy, although I like the guy, I mean he's really sweet and cute and lovable, but I don't know if I like him that way and I know I don't like him enough to go around kissing him like that, and then I just left him standing there looking at me like that, and…" She finally remembered to shut up.
Darien for his part simply sat there and calmly looked at her while she threw her little tantrum and stopped pacing. He'd said exactly five words since he'd entered her apartment. "What is it this time?" And he wasn't getting any more vocal.
She forced herself to stop and look at him as calmly as possible. "So what do I do?"
He looked at her for a moment as if weighing something. "Why do I always get the relationship questions again?"
"Because I need help!" She screeched at him. He sat there looking a bit sour but thoughtful. She immediately felt bad for pouring all of this out on him again. "I'm sorry Darien." She flopped down on the arm of the chair he was sitting in and leaned against the back next to him. "I don't mean to always place all of my worldly troubles on you, but you're always so good at helping me through them. I know this isn't fair to you. You shouldn't have to go through this with me every other day because I can't think for myself."
She noticed that he wasn't going to stop her from berating herself like he normally did either. She lapsed into silence beside him wondering what she had done to deserve that cool demeanor from him. *Maybe he's just getting totally sick of me.* It was entirely possible. This whole thing was driving her crazy and she was the one living it. Darien had to be completely fed up with it by now.
She looked over at him out of the corner of her eye trying not to get caught staring at him. Still the same expression. And one that she didn't recognize on him she had to add. He didn't seem angry with her at least, but then again what if he was mad at her for always bring this up and just didn't want to hurt her by saying so? That thought jerked her into action. "Darien?!"
He looked at her a bit startled by the sudden interruption of his thoughts. "I'm sorry," she said hoping she could get him to open up and tell her what he was thinking. "I promise I won't bring this up again. I know, it's my problem and I'll deal with it."
He chucked at her a bit. "I've never known you to deal with anything on your own."
She felt ashamed of herself at his words. It was true, she just couldn't handle anything on her own. She should be able to make her own decisions and not rely on everyone else, but it was hard to. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.
"That wasn't meant as an insult."
She turned to him again, confusion written over her face. He laughed lightly at her. "I know how much you depend on people. I'll always be here for you, you know that. I just don't exactly know what to tell you, Serena. This isn't a department that I'm well familiar with you know. And in all truth you're the only person that can answer your biggest question. How do you feel about him?" He waited for a reply of some sort from her and she didn't know if she had one.
"I don't know…" She stopped herself. He was right; she was the only person that was ever going to answer that question. But she felt so tormented inside. A part of her screamed to just say that she really cared for him since he seemed to care for her. That way she would have someone there with her. But that was the wrong reason and she knew it. She didn't want to just have someone; she had to have real feelings for him.
"Maybe I do have feelings for him. I mean that impulse had to come from somewhere right?" He didn't say anything. And she was upset that he didn't say anything. *Why is he being so cold!* She continued to think for a while. "Maybe I'm trying to tell myself what I do feel. I mean relationships aren't something that I've been good at either. Maybe I'm just not being truthful with myself."
Still Darien didn't say anything to help her, or make this easier, or anything at all for that matter and it was beginning to unnerve her as much as her problems were. "Darien, please, tell me what you think."
"I can't tell you want to feel and what not to feel Serena."
"No, but you can tell me what you think." She wasn't going to let him get away with not talking to her like this.
He seemed to think quietly for a time before shaking his head as if clearing his thoughts away and looking back to her. "You have to do what's best for you. If you don't know whether you care or not that means that you care some. I guess, I'd have to tell you, to see where that leads you."
He sounded very unsure of that last sentence and she silently wondered why, but didn't press the issue. "You're right, I do have some feelings for him, I just need to find out if they're enough or not." She was silent a moment as she thought. But it wasn't about Neil; it was Darien that confused her. He wasn't acting like himself, something was wrong but she didn't understand what. Maybe he was sick of this after all. "Thank you, Darien. I really needed someone to talk to."
He smiled at her slightly in his own little private way. "Hey, what's a friend for?"
Serena once again stood on her balcony watching the city's lights twinkle on and off. Darien had left hours before. He had only given her a quick hug and whispered, "Everything will work out," to her before disappearing out her door. It bothered her that he hadn't been more sympathetic.
So she let the cold night surround her as images of two men floated through her mind. *Maybe he's tired of giving you advice all the time and wants to make you think for yourself.* That would be more like Darien, force her to do something he knew she wouldn't want to do on her own. But why this? Why now?
*Maybe he really doesn't know what to do either.* He'd said that he wasn't sure what to do for her, it was possible he just didn't want to give her bad advice. But he seemed so preoccupied. So distracted and distant.
*Maybe he doesn't want you to date Neil because he doesn't want to lose you to him!* Was that possible?!
She startled herself out of her unseeing stare and walked back inside. Could that be what he was worried about? Their conversation only a month earlier came back to her. "I don't want us to split apart. Darien, I need you…" "No, you won't someday. Until then, just let me hold you close."
Instinctively she hugged herself fiercely and swallowed the sobs threatening her. "No," she whispered to her dark apartment. "No!" she screamed to herself. She wouldn't let that happen, she wouldn't let them break apart like he had predicted. She couldn't! And she wouldn't; wouldn't let anyone tear her away from someone she cared for so much.
She mindlessly walked into her bedroom and snuggled into bed. She curled up in a ball with her pillow and tried to force herself to sleep. But as soon as she struggled against thinking of one man in her life she saw the other before her eyes. Finally exhausted her body gave out before her mind did. She fell into a troubled dreamscape where her emotions began to take over.
She found herself standing on a balcony again. Only this time she overlooked the beautiful garden and landscaping of the imperial palace. She noted with a familiarity that her dream self had that the Earth's huge domed sphere hung low in the sky above her. A warm breeze sighed around her lazily and played with her hair and the hem of her dress.
A long white gown. The skirt tapered down in waves to her feet and the small sleeves puffed up on her shoulders. The hems were covered with gold threading and the bodice was covered with rings of gold. This was her normal gown of state but tonight it had become her wedding gown.
The ceremony had finally joined her with her one true love. Prince Neil had taken her hand in marriage only that afternoon. But as she gazed lovingly up at the Earth she knew that her happiness was incomplete. Darien, Prince of Earth, and her closest friend and confidant hadn't been able to attend the wedding. But he had promised to make the venture to the moon as soon as possible in order to be there with her on this special night.
He hadn't arrived yet.
"Princess Serena?" Turning she saw Lita, Princess of Jupiter, walking out onto the balcony with her. She was a dear friend to her and a member of her court as well.
"Hello Lita. It is so pretty tonight I had to come out for a minute." She turned her gaze back to the Earth as Lita confirmed her statement. "I am worried though. Prince Darien has not yet arrived and no one seems to know where he is. I was certain that he would have arrived before now. I do hope he's all right."
"I wouldn't worry Serena, the prince would not abandon you on your wedding day. He will be here as soon as possible."
She was right of course but Serena continued her vigil where his home planet could comfort her. Lita walked back inside and she was once again alone. Somehow she welcomed the solitude. Neil would be entertaining their families and guesses and wouldn't notice her absence for a time, but she couldn't stay out here forever.
A rustling of cloth and quietly clicking footsteps caught her attention. Turning to look down the balcony's curved side she managed a glimpse of the intruder that interrupted her thoughts. A man tall and dark featured quietly walked towards her. Armor covered his frame in colors of silver, blue and black. A cape of black with red lining cloaked him with a swaying shadow behind his steady gait.
His breastplate was covered over with high collared jacket and silver lining crossing his chest. His shoulders, torso, hips and legs from the knees down were covered by the gleaming armor that she could associate only with the kingdom of Earth. And the blue sleeves and pants, the swinging cape and the ornately carved sword at his side belonged only to the Crowned Prince.
Her heart melted at the sight. "Darien!" She rushed towards him down the wide balcony's path. He looked up to see her rushing to him and his steps faltered. She quickly caught him up in a hug feeling the familiar height difference and the strength of his arms around her. "What in the galaxy kept you so long? I was beginning to worry that something had happen on your passage up here!"
She stood back to look at him. He looked tired and his midnight hair was tousled a bit more than normal. But there was a darkness to his eyes that she couldn't place. Even in the dim lighting from the hanging planet overhead she could see something in him that shouldn't have been there. "Darien? Is something wrong? What happened?"
"Nothing is wrong princess," he said in the same caring voice that he had always used with her. "I'm sorry that I couldn't be here sooner… and I'm sorry I have to leave you so quickly."
"Leave? Why?" she yelped in surprise. She didn't want him to go so soon. It had been months since she had last seen him and even then it had been short because the wedding preparations had taken so much of her time.
"Duty calls me back home Serena." He gently picked up her chin and smiled weakly down at her. "Besides, you are a wife now, you'll have plenty of things to keep you occupied."
"Occupied? Oh Darien…" She took his hand away from her face and held it in her own for a moment. "Do you know when you will return?"
He was quiet a moment before pulling her into a hug with his other arm. She silently cursed the armor that he wore that didn't allow her to feel 'him,' but she hugged him back without letting go of his hand.
"Serena," he whispered quietly. "I may not be back."
The statement shocked her very heart and she swore that it stopped beating in her chest. "What?" She was too torn to make it come out any louder than a whisper.
"We both have separate lives to lead now Princess. You have a husband and the Moon Kingdom that you will one day rule. I have a planet that will need my leadership. We just do not belong together Serena… I guess we never have."
"But Darien! Please, you can't mean that we won't see each other again. I mean we are parts of the two closest kingdoms in the solar system. We can't just split apart. Besides I care about you Darien! We've always been close. You're my best friend and the one person that I can always talk to. You can't just say that you'll never come back; you can't just leave me like this!" She flung herself back into his arms and held on tightly. She couldn't let him go; she wouldn't!
"Serena," there was a pain in his voice that she could just make out. "Serena, I'm leaving you in good hands. Neil will be a good husband to you. You don't need me anymore."
"Of course I need you!" She looked up into his eyes and knew that he didn't agree with her. "Darien, I will always need you. I care about you. That will never stop."
"I know, Serena. And my feelings for you will never change, but we will." He reached up and brushed her check with his hand.
"Then why? Why leave me like this? I don't understand." He closed his eyes unable to look into hers any longer. "Darien?"
"It's too hard Serena. I can't watch you like this when it hurts so much." She stared up at him unbelieving. Pain was reflected both in his words and in his stature. Pain that she had never seen, but pain that she knew had to be long standing. "I'm sorry Serena, I didn't mean to ruin this day for you. I don't mean to cause you any pain or worry. I knew this day would come, I had just prayed that it would be easier."
She couldn't understand what he was telling her and she couldn't comprehend what it was that was hurting him so much but she couldn't bring herself to speak either. She simply looked at him not looking at her. "I'm sorry," he whispered again.
"Serena?" A voice that she had come to love so well floated out to her. Neil must have come out onto the balcony looking for her. But she wouldn't be separated from Darien yet.
It didn't escape his notice as he looked up towards the sound of the voice. The entrance to the ballroom was far enough away from them that the curve in the balcony still hid them from view. Looking down to her he brushed her face once more with his hand and turned to leave the other way. But she grabbed his arm before he could retreat back into the shadows.
"Darien, please don't leave me. Please, tell me what I can do to keep you here. What did I do to hurt you?!" Panic was evident in her voice but she didn't care.
He turned back to her a bit surprised. "There isn't anything you can do. I'm sorry Serena, I don't mean to upset you. Please don't make this hurt more than it does."
"Darien tell me! What did I do?"
He looked at her lovingly. "You didn't do anything Serena. It was me." She didn't understand and was going to question him again when he beat her to it. "I love you Serena. I always have."
Shock gripped her heart so tightly that she didn't think she could breath. Fear held her in its grasp even though she didn't know what it was she was scared of.
"I'm sorry Serena. You've found the one that you love and one that I know loves you back. I do wish you the best Little Princess. Please remember that I will always be around if you need me. But you won't. I know you will be fine on your own." He looked back up to the path that footsteps could be heard coming from. Quickly he bent down and placed a small kiss on her check before whispering, "Goodbye my dear princess." He turned and walked away with a sweep of his cape.
Serena was left standing alone staring at the shadows that had enveloped his figure. Her mind and heart had gone numb inside her and it was all she could do to stay standing.
"Serena? Darling, what on the Moon are you doing out here?" She felt two loving arms encircle her and a gentle kiss was pecked on her neck. Only then did she turn her eyes from the blank darkness that was all that remained of the man that she had cared so much for.
"He's left me Neil."
"Who's left, Love?"
"Darien," she whispered.
"Oh. Did he finally show up? You would think if he was such a good friend he would have been here to see us commit."
She dropped her head and closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill over.
"So where did he run off to? Finally getting a life is he?"
She spun on him without preamble. "He's left the Moon for Earth again. He's left me completely Neil! He's gone and I'll manage to see him once a year for some diplomatic function or something, but I'll never talk to him like I did. I'll never actually talk to him again! I'll never hug him, or spill out what's on my mind to him, or ask his advice on anything again. Because I was too blind to see how much he meant to me and what I meant to him!"
He stood shocked at her temper and wrapped an arm around her protectively. "If you ask me it's best that you don't see so much of him. The two of you were always a bit too friendly in my book anyway. But come now, you don't have to be so dramatic about all of this. You can write the little prince and visit all you like, no one's stopping you."
She looked at him with tears glazing her eyes. How could he be so insensitive to her like this? Why didn't he understand? Darien would never have been so cold to her feelings. But now he was gone and she couldn't do anything about it!
But she had to. She had to stop him. Stop him from leaving. Talk to him and make him take back the words he had said to her. He loved her; she loved him too, just not the same way… But he couldn't just leave her like this. He couldn't! "No!" she cried hiking up her dress and running after him.
"Serena!"
She didn't even turn to look back at Neil. She didn't care, she just knew she had to reach Darien before it was too late. She ran down the winding staircases like she wore a suit of lead. He was nowhere to be seen. She finally arrived at the receiving hall where the magical powers that held the kingdoms together formed a focal point where a bridge to the Earth could be made. The gate was already open and a lone figure stood just in front of it.
"Darien!" she screamed smashing into the guardrail a floor above the actual gate. He turned to look up at her solemnly. Her breathing was labored and her heart thundered in her chest. But it wasn't the run down that caused her physical dilemma.
She was about to run down the flight of stairs to him when she felt a hand grab her tightly from behind. She turned to see Neil grasping her arm, concern written in his eyes, and she was certain that he wasn't about to let go of her. He turned to regard the second prince below them without a word in confusion. She turned as well to see Darien gazing back up to her.
He gave the pair a final look over and she could see pain in his eyes. It was almost tangible to her; or was it her own pain that she felt?
With a courteous smile and a small salute she saw him mouth a 'congratulations' and headed into the portal before she could stop him. She pulled with all of her might away from Neil as his body blended into the swirling colors of the magical pool. "No!" she cried.
"DARIEN!"
Serena snapped herself awake screaming his name and reaching out for empty air.
Slowly her eyes focused back onto the real world around her. Sweat had enveloped her body and her sheets had been torn from the bed. A corner of her fitted bottom sheet was even wrapped around her blanket's edge. Her pillow had been flung to the floor and now lay out of reach next to the wall.
Her heartbeat would not come down. The blood in her ears was the only sound she could make out. Slowly she lay back down oblivious to the state of her room. It was only then that she noticed she was shaking. Trembling all over like a frightened child.
She grasped whatever parts of her covers she could and snuggled back into them continuing her unblinking stare into the darkened room. She was quickly forgetting the details of her dream, but the emotions behind it remained constant in her mind. All she could see was that last fake smile he gave trying to cover over the pain in his eyes.
*I betrayed him. I betrayed his love and his trust. I betrayed the emotions that he showed me so openly. I betrayed him.*
She squeezed her eyes closed and let the tears come. The desperation she felt and the pain wouldn't go away. They kept nagging at her; telling her that she had brought this on herself. But she didn't want to think. Couldn't think. She simply laid there and pleaded with herself to stop this. To forget. To make that lonely feeling go away.
It didn't.
Serena let the phone ring three times before hanging up, the answering machine would be on. She glanced up at her clock and sighed. He wasn't back yet. *I should have called him before he went out jogging.* Almost eight o'clock, she would still be yawning her way through a shower at this time most mornings. But this wasn't most mornings.
Serena hadn't dared go back to sleep last night. Her body felt sluggish and drained from the lack of energy but her mind kept replaying that dream and she relived those emotions over and over. "I've betrayed him." It was the only thing she could think. Her rational thoughts were at war with her emotional ones and they weren't winning. She couldn't come to terms with the fact that it wasn't real.
She had mindlessly picked up one of her dismantled covers off the floor and wrapped it tightly around herself. She sat in her living room chair curled up in a ball rocking slightly. Tear stains marked the places where she had simply given in to the sobs that kept spontaneously coming to her. She didn't bother to dry them away.
Slowly she reached out for the phone again, pushed her rational mind to the front, and hoped again that she could do this. She dialed Darien's number slowly, analyzing every digit, and swallowed hard as it began to ring. "Hello."
She almost jumped at his voice. The same voice that she trusted so much terrified her now.
"Hello?"
She blinked the tears away quickly. "Darien?" she croaked.
There was a slight pause before he acknowledged hearing her. "Serena?"
"Yeah, it's me." She wiped savagely at her tears, willing them to go away.
"Serena. What's wrong? You sound awful. What happened?" The concern in his voice brought some of her senses back to her again. This was still her Darien, not some dream prince that told her he loved her and ran away.
"I'm… not feeling very well." She didn't want to lie to him but she had no choice, she couldn't let him see her. She couldn't tell him about this.
"Are you sick?"
"I-I… I don't know." She closed her eyes and held the phone close as if would give her some comfort.
"Do you want me to come over? Bring you something? Do you need anything?"
She curled herself tighter into the blanket feeling the loneliness bite into her again. "No, no, I'll be fine," she lied. "I think I just need to rest for a while… I didn't sleep very well last night," she conceded.
"Oh. All right. Do you want me to drop by? Maybe I can drive you home. I'm sure your mother would know what to do."
She smiled a bit at the phone. He was always thinking, always calm and rational, so unlike herself. "No, that's all right. I think I'll just stay here and try to rest. I'm sure I'll be fine by tomorrow."
"OK, if you're sure you'll be all right alone."
"I'll be fine."
"OK. Well, get some sleep then, and I'll call later to check on you. Oh, and I'll tell Dr. Benton you're out."
She sighed to herself. "Thank you Darien."
"Hey, you got it Meatball Head. Just work on getting better OK. I want my sparing partner back and in good health as soon as possible. You're no fun to pick on when you're sick."
She smiled in spite of everything. "I will, I promise."
"OK, good night then. Sweet dreams."
Dreams. Why did he have to say that? "Thanks Darien. Thanks…" She meant it too. How can just the sound of his voice make her feel so much better? Or tear her apart in a nightmare.
"Yeah sure… Just get some sleep. I'll talk to you later." He sounded as though he knew something was wrong but he didn't say anything.
"OK… Bye."
"Bye."
She waited until she heard the click as he hung up and then waited until the dial tone buzzed her mind back into functioning. She replaced the handset and bunched herself back into the chair with her blanket. She slowly slipped back into her unseeing stare at the opposite wall of her apartment until something on it found its way into her foggy mind.
She stood up trailing the blanket behind her and walked over to her desk that sat next to the little divider between the kitchen and the living room. The top of it was cluttered with various objects and papers as well as her purse and key ring. But apart from the mess stood four picture frames.
One contained a picture of her family which she had to add was probably two years old. Parents and children stood in front of their house looking like a happy little family. Another held a picture of four girls all but one wearing the dark blue uniform of Juuban High School; the last was dressed in a private school's colors of white and gray with a red bow. A third frame showed a couple also wearing the Juuban uniforms, a boy in huge glasses and a girl with short curly red hair.
But the fourth… Serena slowly took the last silver frame and held up to stare down at it as the tears welled up again. A young man with dark black hair stood with one hand in his pocket and the other wrapped around a younger girl that stood beside him holding her hands together in front of her. They both smiled sweetly, but she remembered that day quiet clearly. Even if it had been nearly two and a half years ago.
She remembered his comments on how 'revealing' her skirt had been and asked if she hadn't grown out of it a few years back. In retaliation she had snipped a comment on the pink shirt he wore and asked if it wasn't suppose to belong to an ex-girlfriend and then added an "Oh, yeah, you don't have an ex." They'd gone on arguing to their hearts content until she stumbled over a small bush growing too close to the sidewalk. The word revealing described her quite well after that.
Darien had of course laughed at her but didn't comment on the view if he'd actually seen it; which to this day she hoped he hadn't. But unfortunately someone else did. A group of three boys around her age just happened to be walking along the opposite path. And they noticed.
The catcalls were enough to make her want to crawl under that stupid little bush and hide until the next spring. *It was spring wasn't it. I remember it was the first actually warm day and I'd been dying to get out of the house. So of course I ran into Darien, literally, in the park that Sunday.* She looked back down at the picture in memory.
He had picked her up and led her away from the group with what had to be an extremely evil look because all three of them shut up and left. She was horribly upset about the whole scene but he didn't say anything about it. Eventually they'd started another argument and continued their pace towards the river's edge.
The old man that ran the photography shop waved to them as they walked by like he always did. But this time Darien stopped and asked if she'd pose for a shot. She'd been shocked to say the least, but had agreed if they each got one. So they posed for two pictures and took the long way around the park waiting the hour for them to be processed.
When she asked why he'd thought of it he'd simply said that he was having a problem with mice. At which she promptly hit him and said that she'd let him borrow her cat. It only launched them into a third bout of quarreling. But they each ended up with a picture and a negative, and eventually a five-by-seven with matching frames.
She had taken the sweeter of the two poses. They both looked normal and rather civilized in it. But Darien's was probably a more intimate looking one. He stood behind her with his arms wrapped lightly around her to cross in the front, and she stood holding up a peace sign with a huge smile across her face.
It was odd but she could remember every detail of the pictures and most of the details of that day. The time difference reflected more on her than him. Of course she had been sixteen at the time and the age difference could be seen more clearly. Darien was already twenty by then and if she were honest she would say that he was certainly as handsome as ever.
She ran a hand over his smiling face and laughed a bit at the tears that were falling slowly down her checks again. "We've really been though everything together haven't we," she said to the image. "Everything and more."
Darien stared at the computer screen thinking for the twentieth time today that is was too quiet in his office. Without Serena it just wasn't the same. But everyone got sick once in a while right? Right. He wasn't exactly buying into the 'I'm sick' excuse. He knew her too well and had seen her sick a few times and she was never one to want to suffer through alone. She should have at least said that she'd call her mother and ask her to come over but she hadn't even done that.
Something was wrong and he didn't like not knowing what.
A knock on the open door brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up to see Neil standing there with a smile pasted on his face like he was in pain. "Hi Neil," he said with the same type of look himself.
"Hi. Hey, I was looking for Serena, know where I might find her?"
"Curled up in bed with her pillow and the sheets pulled over her head." He decided his computer was more interesting than the slightly startled expression on the younger man's face.
"What?"
He laughed in spite of himself. "She's out sick today. She gave me a call this morning sounding like Death after a late night train wreck."
"Oh." He stood there contemplating the news. "Do you think she's OK?"
"Yeah, nothing keeps Serena down very long. She'll be up and back to her bouncy self in a day or two. She said she just needed some sleep, maybe she's worn down or something." He wasn't about to let on that there was something else wrong. After all he fully intended to get to the bottom of this before Mr. Perfect took a crack at it.
"Oh." He paused a moment before turning back to the door. "Well, if you see her before I do tell her to get better soon for me."
"Will do."
"All right, see ya." He walked out quickly. Darien stared after him with a frown in place.
Why exactly he couldn't say but something just felt wrong. He liked Neil; he'd said it himself. And he would probably make a good match for Serena, but somehow he found himself liking this less all the time. Maybe it was because she didn't seem to be really falling for him. All of her other relationships she'd hopped into with open arms and had been completely engrossed in from the start.
But this time she was taking her time and seemed much more resistant. He didn't understand the change but in anyone else that would have been taken as a good sign. But Serena was never one that used her head when it came to maters of the heart. She let it lead her without thought of what may happen. That was just the way she went though life, always wearing her heart on her sleeve and accepting good in everyone she met.
So why the resistance now? Neil had a good head on his shoulders and knew what he wanted from life. They got along fine and he was treating her well. What could be wrong?
For that mater what did he find wrong with him?
Darien turned away from the door and back to his computer. *If I can't find anything wrong with him why am I being so overprotective?* It was true that when Serena talked to him the day before he'd felt just a little… What? What was it exactly that he had felt?
Somehow he just didn't believe that Neil was right for her. Sure he was a nice guy and all, but Serena deserved someone better than nice. She deserved the best. But who was he to tell her what was best for her? She would have to make up her own mind, what was the best for her, and his advice wouldn't be worth anything if he tried making that decision for her. He knew it last night and he knew it now. This just wasn't up to him.
But if it was…
He shook his head and turned his attention back to the information still blinking at him from his monitor. Serena was a big girl now; she can take care of herself.
At least until he got off work.
Serena was curled up in bed with her pillow and the sheets pulled over her head. She had managed to put her room back into some semblance of order and she was still trying to get some sleep. But it wasn't working.
She felt like a lead weight. She couldn't move if she had to but her brain refused to just click off. She had managed to doze off for a while during the day but she still felt drained. She heard the phone ring once, then twice. She looked over at the clock on her nightstand and realized it was almost five.
"Darien," she whispered to herself as it rang a third time. Without a thought to her weakness she jumped up and raced for the phone. Unfortunately her chair got in the way.
Picking herself up and dragging the blanket that had been laying in it with her she crawled to the table reaching for the phone. "Hello!"
"Serena? I didn't know if I'd be waking you or not."
With a sigh she flopped back down on the floor beside her coffee table. "No, I wasn't actually sleeping."
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I've just been doing a lot of thinking today." She'd decided earlier that there was no use in hiding from Darien. He wouldn't let her get away with it anyway. And if there was ever a time when she needed him, she needed him now.
"Do I even need to guess about what?"
"I'm sure you've already figured it out anyway, am I right?"
"Well, you didn't look very sickly yesterday, so I think you're hiding yourself away for one reason or another. Oh, and before I forget, he says to get better soon."
"Thanks for the relay," she bit out.
There was a slight pause from him. "Are you sure you're all right? You really didn't sound good this morning and you're not sounding like yourself now. Talk to me Serena."
She lay there a moment just taking in the sound of his voice. He was always so gentle to her; she didn't deserve his concern. "Can you drop by? I… really kind of need you."
There was a slight chuckling from him. "Are you sure you're not still sick?"
"No."
"OK, just trying to avoid Meatball germs."
"I'll give you a germ you Conceited Jerk!" She yelled at him before she knew what she was doing.
"Well fine. See if I come over to cheer you up!"
She sobered immediately. "Sorry."
"Serena, it was a joke."
"Oh, sorry."
He laughed at her amusedly. "Give me some time to get through rush hour traffic and I'll be there as soon as I can."
She sighed, "Thanks a bunch Darien. I really own you one."
"I'll put it on your tab. Hang in there a little longer OK?"
"OK."
"Bye."
She hung up the phone slowly and pulled herself off the floor. Well, if she was going to have company she should probably get dressed. Of course it wouldn't be the first time he'd seen her pajamas. Although she could just hear the comments about her pink pajamas with bunnies on them.
Quickly she threw on a pair of leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. She pulled a brush through her hair and just put it back in a ponytail not bothering with the time it took to put it up into its usual odangos. She brushed her teeth, which she had been neglecting all day, and made her bed again. Flopping down on it she found herself exhausted yet again.
She didn't move until a knock on the door brought her back to her feet. She made her way to the door and opened it groggily. Darien walked in and shut it behind himself while she made her way to the couch needing to sit down.
"Serena? Are you sure you're not sick? You look awful."
"Thanks for noticing," she smiled weakly at him. "But I'm fine. I just need some sleep."
"You're not kidding." He walked over and sat next to her wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She fell into him without a second thought.
"I'm sorry to make you come over. But I could really use someone here with me." *Especially you.*
"No need to thank me." He pulled her closer. "But now will you tell me what's going on?"
She wrapped her arms around him and snuggled closer remembering her dream. The real Darien might not be in love with her like the other professed, but he deserved more than being just the person she turned to with problems and complaints. He deserved the same type of concern that he always showed her.
"I just don't think I can do this anymore," she whispered.
"Do what anymore?"
"Neil." *More like choosing between you and Neil.*
He was silent for a moment with one hand playing absently with her hair. "You seemed pretty set on giving it a shot last night. Why the change of heart?"
"That's exactly it. My heart changed. Or I guess it didn't change, I just realized what it was saying."
He leaned his chin on top of her head. "What did it say?"
She closed her eyes knowing that she couldn't tell him about her dream. Knowing that this once she couldn't tell him everything. "It said I should have listened to it earlier."
"I take it that means that you shouldn't have given him that second chance."
"No, I should have known after that first date that I was…" She let the sentence die before she said something that would incriminate her.
"Was what?"
"Well, that I shouldn't have been involved with him."
"What is it Serena? What is it that you don't like about him?"
She was a little shocked at the question. "Now I suppose you're going to tell me that I shouldn't break up with him."
"No, I'm not saying that. I think you have to do what you think is best. It's just that I've been thinking about this too and I can't come up with a reason for me thinking the same thing."
"What do you mean?" She sat up to look at him.
"All right, now I'm not telling you what to do or anything like that, but the longer this has been going on the less I like the idea." She looked at him curiously and he shook his head. "I don't know what it is. I guess maybe it's because you're having such a hard time deciding what you feel about him. Or maybe I just don't think he's good enough for you."
His voice died down to dull note and he didn't look at her. Which was probably a good thing considering she was in a total state of disbelief. "Not good enough?"
"I know it sounds stupid. I don't even know why I'm thinking it, but I have been for a couple of days now. Don't ask why because I don't know and I haven't found anything to point to in the guy either. It's just a feeling."
"Why didn't you tell me this last night?"
"I didn't want to influence your decision."
*Oh you influenced it all right!* "Why would you be afraid of telling me what you thought?"
"I wasn't afraid to tell you, I just wanted you to be sure that whatever you decided was what you really wanted. Are you sure now that this is what you want?"
She looked up into those stormy blue eyes. The same eyes that she had memorized so many times, but they kept changing on her. He kept changing. How could she be sure about this when she was basing it on some dream that was probably the result of too much hot fudge ice cream?
But those eyes. One more look and she knew this was right. She still felt that separation, that loneliness, that feeling that she had betrayed him by trying to care for someone else. It might have sounded stupid if she were to say it to someone else. But here in his arms gazing into a single pair of eyes that she had learned to trust, learned to drown in, and learned to love, she couldn't lie to herself. She cared for him more than she cared for Neil, possibly more than she could ever care for Neil, and she wouldn't lose him because of someone that she thought she might kind of like. She wouldn't.
She couldn't.
She fell back into his chest and snuggled herself as close to him as possible. No, she wouldn't lose him. "I'm sure," she whispered.
He hugged her tightly but didn't say anything. Wrapped in his arms she felt the same protective care that she had missed in his embraces before. The same warm comfort that she always felt. The same feeling that she had always known, but this time she cherished it just in case it wouldn't always be there.
But, if she could help it, he would… always be there… for…
Darien sat wrapped in his own thoughts for a time. When he finally looked back down at the woman in his arms he noticed that she didn't seem too lively.
"Serena?" he asked quietly. No response. He chuckled lightly at her. She had seemed extremely exhausted before and now she was totally zoned out. Well, no sense in leaving the poor sick girl on the couch.
He gently laid her head on his shoulder and tilted her so that he could get and arm under her knees. She didn't even move. *Maybe I should check for vital signs.* But she was breathing, he could feel it against his neck. *So off to bed we go! …That could really be taken the wrong way.*
He carefully picked her up and still managed to get up himself without falling over for lack of balance. He carried her into her bedroom and figured out a way to use the hand that was holding her knees to pull the covers back. Not an easy task with the other person asleep; even though she could sleep through a hurricane. If he dropped her he'd give new meaning to a rude awakening. Not to mention that she'd kill him, chop his body into little pieces, bury him in a shallow grave, and then check into a hospital for whichever body part she broke.
He slid her feet under the sheets and laid her carefully down against her pillow. "Darien." It was barely over a murmur but he heard it thinking he had waken her after all. But she simply turned her head and continued her blissful napping. Looking down at her he smiled at the sight. She seemed so peaceful, and so cute with that little smile on her lips.
Silently he covered her up and brushed some loose hair out of her face. He stopped a minute wondering when the last time was that he'd seen her with her hair down. Ponytails weren't normal with her. He knew she normally slept with it up in her 'meatballs' too. A few memories floated by.
He'd seen it down once when a member of the janitorial staff at her school mistook her for an open door when trying to empty a bucket of water. The day she wore that fuzzy pink sweater and ended up looking like a giant static ball. Then there was the day she was sitting on the bridge railing when they were laughing about something and fell over before he could grab her. OK so he'd seen her like this more than he'd thought, but it was still a rare instance.
He brushed her hair away again and leaned down to peck a light kiss on her check. What impulse implored him into that action he couldn't say; somehow he imagined he felt more like father to her now than a friend. "Good night Meatball Head," he whispered to her and slipped away from her bedside.
He walked slowly back to the door and closed it softly behind him. Standing again in the living room he dug through the things on her desk until he found a blank piece of paper and a pen. "What a mess," he mumbled to the papers. He uncovered a stack and found that two small roses lay there next to it, buried from sight by the stuff in front of them.
He careful picked them up, recognizing both. The rose he had given her for graduation had been dried and now appeared a brownish cream color instead of the white it was suppose to be. He noted with some amusement that the ten-dollar bill he had tied to it was still in place. The second rose was as perfect as the day he'd given it to her. Of course, it was also fake. The one he had snagged out of the decorations at Andrew's wedding dance.
She'd kept them.
He didn't know why but that thought brought a laugh out of him. He knew she was a pack rat and she probably still had all of her pictures from preschool, but somehow that didn't matter. She'd kept the two small gifts that he'd given her.
Darien brushed a hand over their petals still chuckling to himself. He glanced up at the picture frames that stood behind all the mess. He'd seen them there before of course but he paused to look them over. Her family: Ken, Ilene, her and Sammy. Her friends: Ami, Rei, Lita, and Mina. Her best friends: Molly and her boyfriend Melvin. …And them.
He slowly picked up the picture noting the frame that matched the one Serena had given to him for his. He smiled down at it remembering that day. Oh did he remember that day! Pink underwear and all. He laughed again. Poor Meatball Head. She didn't deserve that.
OK, so with a skirt like that, yes she did. But still, those guys were a bunch of jerks. But he had a good four or five years on all of them and not to mention size. One look and they got the point. Actually, he kind of enjoyed that. Violent tendencies didn't come to him very often, but that was one time he could justify it for her. Poor little Meatball Head.
She did seem little to him in the picture. Nineteen years old now. How did she grow up so fast? *Great, now I'm sounding like her mother!* But it was true, he would always think of her as little no mater how old she got. He would always think back to that fourteen-year-old junior higher that hit him on the head with a wadded up test paper.
She would always be Meatball Head to him. No mater what happened. No mater how long they were together.
"Five years. Has it really been that long?"
Serena mumbled something and rolled over groggily opening her eyes. She closed them again wondering what time it was but not wanting to look at the clock. She snuggled back under her covers only then realizing that she was wearing a sweatshirt in bed.
She snapped up in recognition as the events of the following evening clicked back into her brain. She had fallen asleep on the couch with Darien…
Darien.
He must have carried her in and put her to bed without even waking her. Granted she was famous for being able to sleep through a hurricane, but still! It said something that she had fallen asleep basically on top of him but she hadn't gotten any the whole day she was alone.
Glancing over she looked at her clock and nearly jumped out of her skin. A quarter after eight and she was still in bed! He might have put her to bed but he forgot to set the alarm clock. *If he gripes at me for being late today I'll kill him!* She stopped with one foot out of bed and stared at her bedside stand. Sitting next to her clock was a note with the words 'Don't Panic' written on the front. Carefully she took it and opened it recognizing her own stationary.
'Dear Meatball Head,
By the time you read this I will probably be at work. Yes, I had to go in early today anyway. I'll explain later. I understand if you want to stay home today too, but if you're up to it give me a call and I won't make you take the subways out. But get some sleep! Trust me you can use it.
Don't worry about last night. I just stuck you in bed and you dropped off to dreamland. Anyway, take care of yourself and I'll see you whenever.
Darien.'
She laughed at the little note in her hands. He was sweet to her; most people would have left her on the couch. And then that spring would have come out and attacked her! Visions of 'Attack of the Killer Couch Springs' began dancing in her head. The boyfriend who left his girlfriend on her couch when she fell asleep in his arms. He would have covered her sweetly with a blanket and kissed her goodbye never knowing that—"
"Man I am schizo!" She moved to get up and then looked back down at the note. Get some sleep. "Maybe I will." She hopped back into bed and bundled herself back up, note still in hand. "Good night Darien."
- - -
@}->-- "The creative mind plays with the objects it loves" -Carl Jung.
@}->-- "The center of every man's existence is a dream" G. K. Chesterton.
