Sea of Sorrows

by Zazreil


I walked beside Heero down the long narrow hallway and tried to ignore the smirking ensign behind us. I was finding this dual life too hard. I had never expected to face Heero while wearing this mask and I didn't know if I could continue to carry the charade.

It was agony watching him take the abuse of the guards and pretending it didn't matter to me. That I didn't care, that all that mattered was how well he could pilot the Mercurius. That I wasn’t worried…worried that … Ah, did Heero understand? Or did he think…really think me a traitor, siding with OZ? How could he believe in me when I could barely believe in myself?

Ten more minutes, just a short walk and he would be back in his cell and I could pretend he didn’t exist and that nothing mattered but the mission. But even that small peace was denied me. We had just rounded a corner when I heard Heero’s footsteps falter. From the corner of my eye I could see him lag behind and I turned, fearing that he would try to escape and I would have to…instead I stood and watched as that damn, fool ensign held a gun to Heero’s head and kneaded Heero’s testicles from behind.

The ensign was lascivious of that there was no doubt, but there was more going on here than simple molestation. I was being tested. I should just have ignored the ensign’s little performance, but Heero couldn't defend himself. If he could, he would have taken the bastard out, but if he did, I would have to shoot him. I no longer was sure I could bring myself to hurt him but I knew I couldn’t continue to watch this and stay sane--I had to do something.

"Ensign Coupre!" I ordered, "I want my dinner and have no time for this. Release the prisoner! It’s time he returns to his cell."

I kept myself still, mask in place, my eyes never wavering as I held the ensign's eyes. My place was uncertain here. There were enough that suspected me and doubted my loyalty and there were those who were merely envious. If any of them could prove I was showing the prisoners sympathy -- I could well be joining the prisoners in their cell. I could see the bastard thinking about it, then deciding that this time he would obey.

As he re-holstered the gun, I wondered if he had any idea how foolish he had been to let a weapon get that close to Heero Yuy. But when he put his jack booted foot on Heero's ass and kicked him towards me, I knew he hadn’t. Heero sprawled forward and nimbly I stepped back. It was the right attitude to prefer to let him to fall on his face than spoil the crease in my uniform, but my heart was breaking. I looked toward the ensign, "Pick him up!" I snapped in command. "I have dinner with Lady Une this evening and have no desire to have my dress uniform less than impeccable."

It disgusted me to see this filth touch the boy that had thawed out my heart and filled my life. My only consolation was that if Heero believed in me, I knew he would understand. He would expect me to do this, to do my duty.

I stared him down until he snarled and grabbed Heero by the ever-present green tank top yanking up brutally. The fabric that had taken so much abuse over the past three months tore away at the seams. As Heero fell forward again, I caught a glimpse of his eyes. A blue as brilliant and sharp as a sapphire and just as hard, they held barely disguised hate and I could only hope it wasn't for me. He was purposely being a dead weight. Why? I didn't understand. He was usually sullenly cooperative. Yet he wasn't pulling any tricks, and making no attempt to escape. What did he want?

My expression did not alter, as I watched the ensign drop the torn shirt with a small curling smile. He licked his narrow lips and dug his thick fingers, like white worms, into the rich dark silk of Heero's hair. The muscles under the skin of my face twitched and spasmed, my jaw ached from the need to remain impassive and I felt sure that any moment this mask would shatter and all my pain would be there for the world to see. Coupre was deliberately pushing us both and I had no doubt it was under orders. This type of vermin rarely took his own initiative.

He yanked back Heero's head brutally so that the golden column of his throat was pulled taut, defining tendons and muscles with erotic vulnerability and pulling his gun slid it against the side of Heero’s neck "Want a piece of this, Sir? We could share." He slyly tempted, "Ya’ know Lady Une won't always be here."

"Is she aware of this?" I let my voice carry the slightest hint of amusement.

"She's a diplomat and highly placed, she'll return to earth. And unless you plan to go with her, you'll be staying. There are people I know that could help you," he hinted.

I knew what he wanted, but I couldn't say it. I wouldn't let him touch Heero that way. There was however, an alternative. "A point ensign, but I have too much respect for the skill of these pilots to risk my life for a moment of pleasure. However..." my voice dropped and I let it rumble out of my chest like a lion's purr, "if we lock him up...?"

It was a gamble. Heero was beautiful, but I was easy. I hoped I judged the slime right. His eyes crawled over me like maggots. I dropped my head and lowered my eyes. Catherine said that my hair reminded her of a picture she had seen of an old movie star who used to peek out of a wave of curls at the audience. She had used her hair to seduce and I would do the same.

I could see him wavering between Heero, lying between us in mouth-watering abandon and myself. I was rather at a disadvantage as I was wearing far more clothing than Heero. I wanted desperately to look at Heero but I didn't dare. I was as much afraid of what I would see as well as how Coupre would interpret it

He still hesitated. Heero was too tempting and too vulnerable. Smoothly muscled golden skin marked with pale white lines. I knew those lines intimately, they were scars, whip scars and they excited the worm. He was more aroused by having an unwilling victim than a willing partner and that was one aphrodisiac that I couldn't overcome.

"Omae o korosu," I heard a voice dead of all emotion whisper and despite myself I felt my eyes turn to Heero. I had to know. His head was down but he was slowly rising to his hands and knees. If I believed in a god I would have prayed then, prayed to keep Heero down, prayed that he would not add to this creature’s lust with his defiance.

Coupre's jack-booted foot came down brutally to stomp on the back of Heero's neck, but Heero wasn't there. I had forgotten how differently we had been trained. I knew how to kill and how to subdue, but Heero only knew how to kill. His arm came up in one fluid motion as he rose from the floor, sliding between the ensign’s legs and grabbing hold with all of his tremendous strength, he pulled, ripping outwards.

Strength alone would not have the devastating effect that Heero's hand did, as it tore at Coupre's crotch.(1) I was so shocked that I didn't even dodge as Coupre reflexively pulled the trigger of his gun and the bullet creased the side of my arm. My hand went to my gun as his long keening scream began and Heero letting go of his bloody crotch dropped him to the floor. There was a click as I cocked the trigger of my gun, waiting for any move Heero might make and wondering how the hell was I going to talk my way out of this one, when the soldiers, who I was sure were running this way, showed up.

"Pocket!" was Heero's only gruff word as he moved to the wall and stood in the standard pat down position. I wish I had the time to admire the strength of will he must have had to put himself willingly in such a helpless position, but the OZ troops were here -- too quickly, I noticed, as I stared defiantly into Lieutenant Nichols’ face. I held his eyes calmly and said,

"Ensign Coupre tried to kill me, do you know why that would be?" This was my best hope. The angle of the security cam and Heero's speed would disguise whether Coupre or Heero had acted first. It was important to turn the situation to my advantage as quickly as possible. It was obvious the guards were trigger-happy and any wrong move would have Heero and I facing a hopeless barrage of bullets. I was hoping that whatever Coupre had in his pockets would help and not hinder the fantasy.

"Do you expect me to believe this farcical tale?" Nichols sneered.

"You don't need to believe it," I replied. "The security system has it on record." I motioned to the camera. "I am only surprised that the prisoner bothered to interfere and save my life."

As all eyes turned to Heero's back, I hoped I hadn't made a mistake, but I wanted to search Coupre's body here and now.

Nichols’s nostrils flared as he faced Heero, "Turn him around."

Roughly the guards yanked Heero over, knocking him back against the door. They didn't bother to search him. In nothing but spandex shorts two sizes too small and old beat up gym shoes there wasn't any room for concealment.

Heero tilted his head and said in a dry dull voice, "I would have been blamed for his death and that would be the excuse needed for my execution"

While their attention was on Heero I patted down the bastard. He was barely conscious but in such pain that he didn't notice me. I didn't want to think of what Heero must have done to cause his pants to be soaked with blood. It made me cringe. I may be a Gundam Pilot but I am male enough not to want to be emasculated that way. As I quickly searched the pockets, I wondered idly if Heero could teach me and if he even would.

Four things caught my attention in the mess of personal miscellany and lint, I found in the ensign’s pockets. The first was a RAMDISK, 1500 MEG and no bigger than my thumb that had to be something Heero stole. I bet Coupre didn't even know Heero had slipped it into his pocket. The next was a tube of lubricant. The bastard had come prepared and I wondered why he had bothered, unless he had thought he wouldn’t have gotten in without it. Then there was a credit chip for more money than any ensign should have and an airlock code card. Well now I knew what he planned to do with our bodies.

I tossed the last two items at Lieutenant Nichols’s feet. Airlock code cards were classified Security Level Yellow. They could override all commands from the control consoles. In the wrong hands – an airlock code card could open a ship or colony to the cold vacuum of space. Still, they were necessary; needed for disasters, repairs, mutinies and other emergencies. An ensign was security clearance violet at best, only Red and Orange were higher security clearances. He had to have gotten this from someone and it had to be an officer. I knew it, Nichols knew it and we both knew who.

I stared at him silently, letting the calm knowledge of what he did roll out from me like a wave. It was in neither of our best interests to pursue attack and I wondered how long Coupre would live. I doubted if he would see morning.

"Take the prisoner to a cell and call a medic for him," the Lieutenant ordered crisply and then added, "You had best get to sick bay as well." He motioned to my injury."

"Lieutenant," I asked before he could leave, "May I use your COM-link? Lady Une needs to be informed as to why I will be late"

Having Lady Une contacted while I was here would keep the wrong version of the story from reaching her. Nichols wasn't happy about it but was willing to make the compromise. His tone was deferential when he spoke to her but his conversation was short, succinct and to the point.

With that out of the way I was more than ready to leave, my arm was aching, I was certain I was carrying confidential information in that RAMDISK that I wanted to get rid of quick and I wanted--no, needed to talk to Heero

I motioned with my gun and Heero, with a slight look, stepped in front of me; his eyes as flat and blank as a dead fish. I would have rather have him hating me than have such dead eyes. It was as if he had lost something of himself

There was no reason to speak as we walked along the corridor, nothing we would say to each other could be said here, the guards were too close and the security cameras too prevalent. When we got closer to the cells there was a blind spot I had found. There, with a few steps, we could disappear into the maintenance closet. Sadly it had probably been used by other guards and other prisoners in the past for less savory purposes. As we rounded the corner, I motioned Heero to the left, his eyes narrowed as he shot me a suspicious look. He knew damn well his cell was ahead and not to the left, but he turned as I directed.

I had no idea what I would say when I went in there. I would probably keep to business, though there was so much more I wanted to ask. As it turned out, Heero took control. I had barely swung the door closed when a numbing blow hit my wrist and the gun went flying as I was slammed up against the door. Heero's hot lithe body pressed me back, his hand slipping through my bangs, gripping them tightly and forcing my head down to the right height, as his mouth blazed across mine, bruising and devouring. I was stunned. This was not my submissive lover of earth, there Heero almost seemed diffident. Now he was fierce.

"Shimatta! Nan da kor'ya! Were you out of your mind!" He snarled in my ear, his breath like a brand against my skin as his mouth worked hungrily at my throat above the stiff Oz uniform collar. His strong hands were tearing the jacket open, buttons popping and flying to hit the walls with a metallic ping before falling. "Have you any idea how afraid, how angry I was! He told me what he was going to do to you. That TEME! He told me how he was going to use me to KILL YOU!" Heero was shaking as he took captive my mouth again, his tongue thrusting deep to claim me.

I didn't know if it was anger, fear or desire, I only knew I loved him and would give him anything he asked of me. I opened my mouth to giving him full access, not caring who should come in, who might see. Though I suppose part of me was still calculating the odds and decided the risk was worth it. But space knows, my dress uniform would never be the same. He had pulled the heavy jacket down to my elbows, still partly buttoned, it caught my arms fast to my sides. I whimpered, wanting to hold him so badly, for so long and now when I finally had the chance I was caught.

I heard him groan at that little sound. Early in our love making, I learned how much those soft noises pleased him. He hadn't changed, that simple whimper set him on fire causing him to roll his hips against mine. I wished to hell he would pull these damn uniform trousers down. The material was so thick and so stiff I could barely feel him.

He was torturing me with pleasure, after the initial wildness his hands had slowed. Now without removing the T-shirt I wore beneath the stiff uniform jacket, he ran his nails lightly over my nipples, the teasing tickling sensation so pleasant and so damn unsatisfying. His mouth ran around the curve of my ear as he pressed close to my left side so that his hands could easily tease my chest while he sucked on the lobe.

"Bakayarou," He murmured in a voice thick with passion and tenderness, "Why did you do something so foolish? Why did you offer yourself to that kustotare?"

"You told me that it was ok for a person to follow his feelings," I said, more than a little breathlessly, my nipples beneath the fabric of my shirt hard and swollen, as aching as my organ.

"Nani?" He questioned, but it was clear his mind had drifted elsewhere too, as his fingers played with my zipper sliding it up and down in a dangerous caress. Part of me savored it, part of me hoped he'd be damn careful. I didn't relish the thought of being caught in my zipper.

His fingers slid into my trousers as his hand moved up and down, the damn belt was still buckled, as he refused to free me, preferring to tease me through the opening of my fly. Then I felt his fingers slip into the opening of my briefs and I was lost. I pleaded shamelessly, begging for him to release me but he pretended not to hear, though I knew from the way his eyes narrowed and the blue grew as dark as endless night sky that he was enjoying my reaction to this sweet painful pleasure.

"Tell me your feelings, Trowa," he demanded "Tell me!"

That was a surprise, but then this whole encounter seemed surreal. Heero had never before asked me what my feelings were, even when we had first made love in Italy he had never asked. He told me to act on them but never asked. I turned my head toward his, my mouth seeking his lips, to let heart speak for me.

"I love you" the words were the barest whisper as our mouths almost met.

But he pulled back to ask, "and Quatre?"

I wanted that kiss; I wanted it more than anything but I knew he would know if I lied. "I think so. I guess. I don't know. Quatre, for all that he is kind frightens me. He would consume me."

There was a soft laugh at my response, his eyes seemed rueful for a second. "I understand," he nodded and somehow I really think he did.

His mouth came down softly on my own after that. There was no need for more words but the whispers of each other’s name and the sighs of pleasure we made. I take that back…"Heero take this damn uniform off me already! Or I will be the first teenager to die of a heart attack caused by sexual frustration!"

That made Heero, laugh. Laugh so hard that he sank to the ground pulling me after him. I was pleased that I made him laugh. I don't think I ever really saw him laugh before. He pulled me in his arms as his laughter died down, unbuttoning the jacket completely.

"We probably won't have this chance again," he said softly. "I wanted to make it something special something we could remember and hold on to."

I leaned back against him cradled between his legs, some of the pain of my arousal had worn off with his amusement, but my nipples were still tender, full and swollen, rising off my chest sharply in the cool air. He slid his hands down my chest, avoiding them to trace the taut muscles of my abdomen before unfastening the belt and button holding my pants closed. Open now, he continued to stroke downward, stopping just before the elastic of my under-wear. All the time his mouth nuzzled my neck and ears, his teeth nibbling on my flesh then moving occasionally to capture my mouth. I reveled in how different this was from all our other joinings. He had been so passive letting me take the lead, touch him, use him. For the first time I was sure he wanted me. A shiver went through me as the thought, that this time, maybe this time I would know what it would be like to feel his strength as that thick powerful organ pushed into me.

His strong hands slid up my stomach kneading the muscles deeply. I moaned softly and sighed, holding nothing back, knowing how important breaching my reserve was to him. I wanted to roll over and take him beneath me but this time was so rare that I gripped his thighs to control myself and tossed my head as those strong fingers worked up my chest and then lightened their touch to the faintest of feathery touches. They traveled over my rib cage in odd unexpected patterns brushing close, but never on my aching nipples. I cussed him a little for that as I twisted my body against him trying to bring my chest in contacted with those teasing hands. Suddenly Heero grabbed my aching nipple and plucked sharply. It was painful, but it was a sensation so intense I found myself calling his name in a scream before I could stop myself. His hand clamped over my mouth, muffling the sound and in a shaken voice said, "This won't work." I had a sudden flash of worry that he would call it all off, when he turned me around to face him. His hands slipped down my sides, counting ribs till they came to my pants, which he finally slid down my legs pulling them off with my briefs. It felt so odd and decadent to be lying in my open jacket; my T-shirt pulled up to my armpits and nothing on below but my socks. Shamefully exciting.

Heero had already wriggled out of those tight shorts and his thick manhood reared up, oozing slightly. I had never seen him this aroused, this fast before and I was thrilled it was because of me. I was nervous too, suddenly my throat felt tight. His length was shorter than mine but he made up for it with thickness. His was not a smooth straight shaft, it was a bit crooked and lumpy and thick. I knew I would feel every change in its surface. I wanted him so badly and yet, it was an awesome tool to handle in what would be the first time, any one, much less Heero ever had me that way.

"Did you grab the jelly," he murmured.

That made me start, "You knew it was there?"

"Didn’t I tell you to check his pockets?" He teased his tone dark with a hint of mocking humor.

"I thought you meant the other items," I commented wryly

"Those too."

He must have caught my expression then for he gave a short laugh and nuzzled my neck.

"Let me give you something else to think about," he purred as his mouth went to work on my sensitized nipples. He pushed two fingers in my mouth, when he felt me began to pant "Suck, suck until they’re juicy," he ordered in a way that made my knees weak. It was one way to keep from screaming in pleasure so I gave them my most fevered attention.

Sometime later when I thought his mouth would drive me out of my mind, he rose over me and covered my mouth in a kiss, a kiss that became more desperate as I sought reassurance, as I felt his fingers slick from saliva and lubricant push slowly inside of me. He used them to work me gently, spreading and loosing the muscle. I was in heaven and in hell, as for a second he would press on a spot that shot pleasure through my stomach and groin and then pull away before I could ride the rising crest. He removed his hand and I groaned, lifting my hips to follow it and earning a quirked smile. He pulled back and slid his hands up the back of my legs to lift me upwards. I felt the head of his organ nestle between my cheeks as he began to press in. There was a slight burning sensation, but none of the pain I had expected. Heero had taken good care to prepare me well.

I began to pant as he entered, I felt so full, so stuffed as he pressed inward his eyes holding mine with his mesmerizing gaze. It made me wiggle a little sending sudden bursts of pleasure through my groin and traveling right up the center of my body to my throat. Heero bit his lip sharply to keep from crying out and then kissed me hard. From then on every movement was caught with kisses and it was a good thing for had we not, half the moon base would have ended up watching. As it was we were probably too noisy. I knew I should worry about it, but all I could think of was Heero deep inside of me, Heero throbbing and crying out. Heero's name when my body was wracked with pleasure and I felt him spill within me.

We lay panting in each other’s arms and I listened with a smile as my lover cursed himself for not treating my wound sooner, it had only been a crease, but it looked worse than it was. Time was too short thought and I knew I had to take him back. Though I hated the thought it couldn't be avoided. I straightened up my uniform the best that I could and prayed that I would meet no one till I got back to my room. Cameras I could trick, I knew every angle and every bit of their timing.

I was sad to leave Heero, but anxious to put the mask safely back in place. I opened the door, only to have Heero slam it shut and look into my eyes his burning fiercely with cobalt fire. "Promise me! Promise me! You won't be foolish like that again! Promise me you won't scare me again!"

That was the one promise I couldn't give, so I kissed him softly and shook my head no. For a moment I thought his face would crumble then it was a mask, not much different than mine, dead and distant. "Let's go," was all he said.

When I returned to my room I cried.