Heero drummed on the steering wheel, hesitant to enter the house. He thought back to earlier that afternoon, just after he left Trowa. He had meant to return to his own office and gather his lecture notes, but ended up standing outside of Wufei's office. Before he realized what was happening, he had knocked on the door.
"Wufei, can I ask you a favor?"
"Of course. What's up?" Wufei asked with a smile.
Heero grinned. "Nice."
Wufei mock-grimaced. "Quiet you. Maxwell's slang is contagious." His face turned serious as he noticed Heero's grin fade at the mention of Duo's name. What's on your mind?"
"Do you think you could take my one o'clock class? I have something I need to do."
"No problem. Is everything okay?" Wufei asked, dark eyes concerned behind his glasses.
"No, but it will be. This is something that can't wait any longer."
Wufei nodded, his expression worried. "I am here if you need anything."
Heero smiled gently. "I know, and thank you. That means a lot to me". He clasped a hand on Wufei's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.
Wufei returned the smile and waved him out of his office. "Go, do what needs to be done."
With a firm shake of his head, Heero brought himself to the present. He'd made his decision the moment he left Headquarters, and he was determined to see it through to the end. He knew that he was right, but that didn't make what he was about to do any easier. He needed to be strong, no matter how many second thoughts were running through his mind. This was something that needed to be done, and there was no room for self-doubt.
The walk up the driveway had never seemed longer. Heero stopped and looked up at the window that was in his bedroom. He wondered if they would ever share that room again. With another sigh, Heero continued up the driveway and paused outside the door, keys dangling from the lock. "I can do this…I can do this…" He took a deep breath and went inside.
Duo leaned against his jeep and stared up at the house. `Man, this sucks. I can't believe it's come down to this. There was once a time I craved Heero's words, his thoughts, and now...I don't want either. Is this the end? I don't want it to end. I want us to be the way we were… before we messed this up.' He remembered the advice Quatre had given him just before he left for the day.
"Duo, I'm going to be honest with you. This is going to be very difficult for the both of you. Thy key is to listen...hear what he's telling you. Patience is also important too. Give him time to voice his thoughts, all right?"
He turned somber eyes to the living room windows, noticing a shadow moving inside, and a sad smile flitted across his face. Things would never be the same after today. Duo pushed away from the jeep and made his way up to the house. He paused outside the door, keys in his hand. "It's now or never." He whispered as he went inside.
"Heero, are you home?" Duo tossed his keys and cell phone on the little table by the door, taking note of Heero's phone sitting in its charger and his keys lying neatly next to it. "Guess you are." He loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt as he walked to the bedroom. He saw Heero's uniform hanging neatly on the valet, his holster and gun in their case. No Heero. Duo wandered through the halls, peeking into open doorways.
"Heero? Where are you?" Duo walked into the living room and found Heero sitting on the couch, a white note card held loosely in his hands. He noticed the card, and his heart lurched. He knew at that moment that this was not going to end well.
Heero looked up at Duo, his expression sad and wistful. "I was just remembering when we moved in here."
Duo smiled gently, looking around the living room. "Yeah, it was a great time."
"Do you ever look back at those times and wonder what went wrong?"
"I have been doing a lot of that lately." Duo confessed, running a hand through his bangs.
"So have I. I...um...don't know where to start." Heero said softly.
Duo moved around the couch and sat on the coffee table. "How about from the beginning?"
Heero took a deep breath and began in a soft voice. "I...I wake up every morning grateful that we survived our childhoods and those thrice damned wars. You are my partner...in every sense of the word...and my reason for living; but lately, things have been...strained between us. The tension is so thick, it feels as though I could reach out and touch it."
"It has been pretty strained between us."
"Duo, things have been very different between us for a very long time. Don't you see that?"
"I kept thinking that if I refuse to acknowledge it, it won't be real." Duo whispered.
"That's how I felt, too. Things have gotten worse. We have not been able to solve any of our problems, and they grow more complicated every day. I'm tired of fighting with you. I'm tired of waking up in an empty bed every morning. I hate this!" Heero said sharply.
Duo leaned back on his hands and sighed. "I wake up every morning in a motel room, cold and exhausted. I stay up nights thinking about you and what has happened between us. I hate walking into work and past your office without saying hi. I hate leaving alone. Do you think this has been easy for me?"
Heero sighed. "No, of course not. You...you could have stopped by my office. I wouldn't have ignored you. Why do we keep fighting like this? It hurts...so much."
"I don't know." Duo rubbed at his temples, feeling the beginnings of a headache. "I want to make this..us...work."
"So do I..." Heero trailed off.
Duo stared down at his feet. "Are...are we fighting because of the marriage thing?"
"Partly. There are other things too."
"Could you tell me why you're so against it?" Duo asked. In all the arguments they'd had about the subject, he'd never learned Heero's reason for disliking marriage.
"Could you tell me why it means so much to you?" Heero countered.
"I asked first."
"Fine." Heero sighed. "I'm not against it, Duo, I'm just not ready for that level of commitment. I'm secure with our relationship the way it stands. Why do we have to make our private life public?"
"It's not like we're giving people an invitation into our bedroom, Heero." Duo said in an exasperated tone.
"But it gives people something to ask us about. I don't like talking about us and our home life with strangers." Heero sighed. "Why does this mean so much to you?"
"It's not the ceremony, but the feelings behind it. I want the world to see that in you, I have found the person that makes me whole, the person who makes me feel good about myself. I want the world to know that in you, I have found my soul mate."
"We are soul mates. A ceremony won't make it more real than it already is."
"I want what Quatre and Trowa have. Is that so hard to understand?"
"No, it's not, but you need to realize that we aren't them. Quatre and Trowa have their own problems. They aren't perfect and neither is their marriage. I know how much you want a marriage and children, but I'm not ready to give that to you. You're pushing me too hard, and you aren't giving me any room to breathe."
Duo smiled sadly. "We aren't going to resolve this, are we?"
Heero twirled the note card in his hand. "I was going to give this to you and leave, but I changed my mind. I'm not sure of anything at this point. All I know is that I can't live my life like this." "You were going to leave?" Duo looked into Heero's eyes for the first time, and saw the tears glistening there.
"I...a part of me still wants to leave. I love you. God, I love you so much, but I just can't do this anymore."
Duo reached out and wiped away a tear. "I never wanted to make you cry. I am so sorry.....I can't do this either."
Heero nodded and numbly handed Duo the note card. He stood and laid a hand on Duo's hair before he went into the study. With a final look at Duo, he closed the door.
Duo stared after him, tears filling his eyes. He turned the note card over and read the simple script: "I'm sorry. I love you." He blinked back his tears and slipped the card into his pocket.
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