Author's Notes: This is the arc that ate my life! I have tormented so many people...you know who you are...with various versions and pieces of this story; I am forever in your debt.
Dedications: Cristina and AJ: Thank you for letting me embarrass you by forcing you into this plot and asking you to think as the main characters. The emotional development and character quirks exist because of you, and I can never thank you enough.
Sunshine...thank you for everything you have done for me. The encouraging words and the patience with which you have dealt with my ramblings is nothing short of saintly. I could not have done this without you, and you are forever my Muse.
Hawkie-kins: Thank you for all you've done.
"Can this day get any worse?" Heero pushed away from his desk and leaned back against the black leather chair. He'd been in his office since seven that morning and he was contemplating jumping from his first floor window and making a break for freedom. Heero's mind was far from planning lectures, his half-scribbled notes lying forgotten on his desk. He hadn't been able to focus on anything; thoughts of Duo distracting his fragile concentration.
Heero tossed his pencil on the desk with a sigh. `It's no use, and I'm not going to force myself to work.' He mumbled, running his fingers through his mused hair.
He glanced at the wall and found Trowa's schedule. `I have to get out of here.' He slipped his cell phone into his pocket and left. Five minutes later found him standing out side of Trowa's office, listening to the deep voice of his best friend. He glanced inside, saw him on the phone, and stepped back into the hall.
"...Hey, how's your day been? Good. Just thought I'd call and give you a little break...I could, but calling you is more fun...Have you seen Duo or Heero? I'm worried about them...Something...ugly...is going on with them… Distant? Have they said anything to you? I hope they know that they can come to us, but we can't push them...Will I see you at home? I know, I hate Wednesdays...Cat do me a favor and leave your work in your office. I want to spend as much time with the twins as possible...What about the Ramos file? Still work...Promise? I love you...Bye." Trowa hung up the phone and shook his head with mild amusement.
Heero rapped on the door and smiled. "Got a minute?"
"Sure, come on in." Trowa grinned. "I'm just finishing up a few things in the Akatsu file." He turned back to his laptop, slender fingers flying across the keys.
Heero entered and looked at his choices for seats: a straight backed chair, Trowa's desk, or the floor. He opted for the floor and arranged himself into a comfortable position. His gaze occasionally flicked to Heero, who had taken a seat on the floor. Heero's arms were resting on his knees, his gaze on an empty corner of the office. Trowa knew that Heero would talk when he was ready, so he continued with his work.
Twenty minutes later, Heero sighed and lifted his gaze. "When you and Quatre married, I knew my life was going to change. Believe me when I say, no one was happier for you than me. Seeing you so at peace with yourself has been wonderful."
"It hasn't always been rosy, but I wouldn't change it for all the world."
"So let me ask you this: when was the last time you were unhappy?"
Trowa leaned his head on his hands. "What's this all about?"
Heero looked away and sighed, face set in a frown.
`Oh, we're going to be here a while…' Trowa walked around his desk and sat next to Heero.
"He wants a ceremony." Heero finally said, breaking the five minute silence.
"Ah, I see. What do you want?" Trowa asked, looked at him over the top of his rimless glasses.
"Not that. I'm not ready for marriage—at least, not yet. Duo doesn't understand."
Trowa shifted, tucking his long legs beneath him. "Why? What doesn't Duo understand?"
"Duo wants us to be like you and Quatre. He thinks you two have an ideal relationship."
Trowa snorted. "Yeah right. He should see Quatre first thing in the morning...groggy and grouchy. We have our fights and disagreements, too. We're far from perfect."
"That's what I've been trying to impress upon him." Heero murmured. "Duo also wants children, and that's something I'm not ready for either. I'm still trying to learn how to be me; I don't need the added worry and responsibility of trying to be a good husband and father."
"Take it from someone who knows...those are both difficult roles to fill."
"How do you do it? It's just so hard…"
"It hasn't been easy. Sometimes it seems like..."
"...one uphill battle after another."
Trowa nodded. "Yes, exactly."
Heero sighed. "I don't know…I can't find the right words…"
"Take all the time you need." Trowa smiled and shifted again into a more comfortable position.
"Thanks." Heero rested his chin on his knees with a sigh.
Without looking at Heero, Trowa asked, "Do you love him?"
"I...yes..." Heero answered softly.
"You don't sound too sure of it."
"I do love him…."
"When was the last time you said it—and meant it?"
"Almost five months ago."
Trowa blinked in surprise. "Is that how long you've been fighting?
Heero nodded sadly. "We fight all the time—over stupid things! We call a truce, but it only lasts a few hours." He dropped his gaze and spoke softly. "To answer your question, yes, I do love him, but I don't think it's enough to marry him. I can't give him what he wants."
"I know this is hard for you...have you thought about separating? Perhaps time apart would clear your heads and give you a fresh perspective on things."
Heero shook his head. "It hasn't. We separated two months ago and he moved into a motel near the house."
"Why didn't you say something?" Trowa frowned.
"I thought I could handle this on my own. I didn't want to burden you with my troubles. Besides, when Duo left, you were on a mission and Quatre had his hands full with the twins."
"So? You'll never be a burden to me, Heero." Trowa reached out and placed a hand on Heero's arm.
Heero's lips quirked up into a tiny half smile. "Thanks." He fell silent again as he gathered his thoughts. "Duo and I have drifted apart." He said after a few minutes. "It was like we were two strangers living in the same house. His voice softened as he continued. "Would…would you think I am a horrible person if I told you...that I want to leave...leave Duo...that I've been thinking about it for a month now?"
Trowa's brows furrowed. "Why would I?"
Heero ran a hand through his hair and growled in frustration. "I don't know. I think I'm a horrible person for even considering it. I… Duo and I deserve better than this. We deserve to be happy, to be with people who love us as much as we love them. I'm not happy and I haven't been in along time. And God, as awful as this sounds, when I think about leaving Duo, I feel...better. Something changed between us and everything feels different."
Trowa shifted again, drawing his legs up to his chest, resting his arms across his knees. "When did you notice?"
Heero looked at Trowa, unsure of how to answer. "I…I think it began right after your wedding. Duo started dropping hints about getting married. I kept avoiding the issue until I finally told him that I felt what we had was like a marriage, and that I wasn't ready for anything so...final. I think that was my biggest mistake."
Trowa winced, but remained silent.
"I think he interpreted my words wrong." Heero continued. "I eventually want to get married, but not now. I'm not ready. Being with Duo, living with him, loving him, waking up in his arms...that's enough for me. I don't need a wedding or anything to…crystallize my relationship with Duo. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him."
"`Wanted'? Something else has changed, hasn't it?"
"I'm not sure..." Heero paused. "I don't think…I feel the same way anymore."
"Heero…" Trowa whispered in surprise. "When...when did you start feeling this way?"
"The day after he moved out. The house felt so calm…and I felt so guilty for thinking that way. Still don't think I'm a horrible person?"
Trowa shook his head. "No, I don't. Confused, perhaps, but not horrible."
"I want to leave."
"You're not asking for permission, are you? You know I'm not going to agree with you."
Heero glared at him. "What do you think I should do?"
"Don't leave. Take the rest of the day off and go home. Talk to him."
"Damn it, Trowa! I'm tired of talking! Nothing I say gets through to him!"
"I know, but yelling at me won't solve anything."
Heero sighed. "Sorry." He mumbled.
"Don't worry about it. So, tell me, what do you think will come from your leaving?"
Heero leaned back against the wall. "Peace of mind? Honestly, I don't know."
Trowa turned his head and locked gazes with Heero. "Don't leave him. Leaving Duo would be the biggest mistake you could make."
Heero broke the gaze and turned away from him.
Trowa sighed. "Just think about it, ok?"
"I will, I promise." Heero glanced at the clock. "I have a class in ten minutes. Thanks for listening." He rolled to his feet in one smooth motion.
"Anytime, Heero. You know that if you need anything, Quatre and I are a phone call away." Trowa stood and stretched.
"I know, and thank you." Heero said, straightening his uniform.
Trowa smiled and pulled him into a hug. Heero made a small protesting sound before he returned the tight embrace. He pulled away and smiled, waving over his shoulder as he left.
"Good luck, Heero." Trowa whispered to Heero's retreating form.
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