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PIKACHU SUCKS A COCK

This is absolutely the most bizarre, disgusting, and depraved piece of writing (not even literature!) that you will ever read. We must seriously warn you that this fanfiction by Chibi X and General Slaughter is really, REALLY fucked up. Read at your one risk

SCENE I

(Out in the wilderness of Poke-land or whatever the fuck it's called, Ash, Misty, and the Brock are camping out. As Ash gets undressed and prepares for bed, Misty crawls into his tent.) ASH: Misty?! W-what are you doing in here? I'm just about nekkid! MISTY: I know. That's why I came in here, silly. ASH: M-misty... MISTY: Ash, ever since we dropped out of elementary school--er, I mean COLLEGE, to go become Pokemon Masters, I've wanted you so badly. ASH: C'mon, Misty! Even though we are of the legal age for consent--meaning we can fuck in this story and the guys that wrote this won't get arrested--I won't give in to your temptation. MISTY: What?! Why the fuck not? ASH: Pikachu wouldn't be very happy if he found out I was getting it from someone else. MISTY: WHAT?!?! You and that yellow rat are up each other?! (Ash smacks Misty upside her bitch head.) ASH: How dare you?! Pikachu is more than a rat, you whore! Far more! You take that back, slut! (Suddenly, Pikachu himself walks into Ash's tent, angry to see Ash with--gasp--a woman!) PIKACHU: (Angry.) Pika! Pikachu! ASH: Pikachu! It's not what it looks like! Misty was just leaving. MISTY: Yeah, I was-- PIKACHU: PIKA!! Pika-pik! MISTY: Fine, I'll fucking go. (Misty leaves Ash and Pikachu alone in his tent.) ASH: Whew! Good thing that "girl" left, huh, Pikachu? PIKACHU: Chu! ASH: Oh, okay. I'll get the gimp mask on and fetch you the handcuffs and your whip. Just a sec, Pikachu! PIKACHU: Pika! Pika-pika-pik! Chu-chu! ASH: Alright. I'll call you Pikalini, then, since you ARE a fascist dictator. But why name yourself after Benito Mussolini, fascist dictator of Italy from 1922 to 1943? Why not after Hitler? PIKACHU: Pikachu! (Pikachu smacks Ash for questioning the supreme authority of Pikalini.) ASH: I-I'm sorry, master. I deserve a stern whipping. (Pikachu handcuffs Ash to a pole, bends him over a chair, and begins to whip Ash's bare ass like never before. Elsewhere, the sex-starved Misty crawls into the Brock's tent, in which the Brock is laying, half-asleep in his sleeping bag.) BROCK: Huh? Is that you, Misty? I can't see because I never open my eyes. MISTY: Yeah, Brock, it's me. BROCK: Somethin' wrong? MISTY: Well...sorta. (Misty crawls into the Brock's sleeping bag.) BROCK: What?! Misty, I don't know about th-- (Misty kisses the Brock--with plenty of tongue! Her hand drifts down the Brock's body into his boxers, where she makes a startling discovery.) MISTY: Eep! Uh, Brock... BROCK: Yes, Misty? MISTY: Why do you have a cunt AND a dick? BROCK: What's wrong? Is my cock crooked or something? MISTY: No, it's just that your penis is accompanied by a vagina--you're a hermaphrodite! BROCK: Really? Hmm, I thought everyone was like this. MISTY: Eww! You gay fuck! BROCK: I guess that's why my mom told me to never EVER take my pants off in front of anyone. MISTY: Yeah. Maybe. Uh, listen--this has been fun and all, but I really gotta get to sleep. I'll see ya in the morning. BROCK: G'night, Misty. (Misty leaves the Brock's tent and goes into her own. Still aching in her nether-regions for some hot sex, she rummages through her backpack for her dildo, but to no avail.) MISTY: Dammit! I can't find my dildo and I REALLY need some cock. Jerkin' off just ain't gonna do it. (Misty desperately searches for her sex toy and accidentally knocks a Pokeball out of her backpack unleashing the full fury of...Psyduck!) PSYDUCK: Psy! MISTY: Hmm... Maybe I can get Psyduck to please me. He's my only hope! If I don't get laid tonight, I'll go crazy. (Thus, Misty goes down on Psyduck, possibly the most annoying Pokemon ever!) MISTY: Oh! Oh, god! Fuck me harder, Psyduck! Right there, baby. Right there. OOHHH!! ASH & BROCK: Quiet down, god dammit! PSYDUCK: Psy?!

SCENE II

(After Pikachu whips Ash and anally rapes him with a lead pipe, Pikachu goes back into his tent. He looks at a picture of Benito Mussolini on the wall and salutes it, a single tear streaming down his cheek. Now, dear readers, Pikachu will tell us of his life and his transformation from normal Pokemon into a fascist dictator and leader of Team Rocket. Psst! That's called "dramatic irony," because you, the reader, knows that Pikalini is the leader of Team Rocket, but no one else does. Don't you feel special?) PIKACHU: Pika-pika! Chu! Pika! Pik-pik-pikachu! Pikachu! [Translation: "I was born just outside of Pallet Town, the son of a socialist Pikachu. Largely self-educated, I became a schoolteacher and socialist journalist in order to educate my fellow Pikachus in the ways of the world. Later, I was named editor of 'Commies!,' the Socialist party newspaper in Pallet Town. I was eventually expelled from the Socialist party because I was opposed to Pokemon Master training, which I dubbed as 'imperialist and depraved.' I started my own newspaper in Pallet Town, 'The Pokemon of World,' which later became the cornerstone of my Fascist movement.

"In turbulent Pallet Town after the initial Pokemon craze, myself and other Pokemon founded the Pokemon di Combattimento in the tradition of my idol, Benito Mussolini. This nationalistic, antiliberal, and antisocialist movement attracted much support from Grass- and Normal-type Pokemon and took its name from the 'fasces,' an ancient symbol of Roman discipline. Growing rapidly in popularity on account of resentment toward the greedy and impotent government, fascism spread into the countryside, where my black-shirt militia won support from Psychic- and Fighting-type Pokemon and attacked the Pokemon League and its Pokemon training gyms. Opportunistically, my fascism shed its initial republicanism, thereby winning sympathy from all other Pokemon types and, finally, the terrorist organization Team Rocket.

"When my Fascists threatened to march on Celadon City, Professor Oak invited me to form a coalition government. By the end of the year I had transformed the countryside into a single-party, totalitarian regime. In this new 'corporative state,' employers and workers were organized into party-controlled groups representing different sectors of the economy. The system preserved capitalism among Pokemon and expanded social services, but abolished free trade unions and the right to strike.

"Adopting an aggressive foreign policy, I conquered the area surrounding Cerulean City. This won me acclaim in almost every sector of the Pokemon populace. My popularity declined somewhat, however, after I sent troops to help Francisco Manko (Get it? Franco and Mankey make Manko! My mom thinks I'm funny...) in the Pokemon civil war, linked my regime to that of my idol Mussolini's, enacted anti-Jewish and anti-Farfetch'd laws, and invaded Albania.

"In my next move, I decided to expand my empire into the realm of humankind. Seeing as how Pokemon were oppressed and treated as slaves by their human masters, I chose to affiliate myself with the terrorist organization Team Rocket. By mutually combining our assets, I and Giovanni, leader of Team Rocket, made strategic strikes against human governments. Eventually, I grew tired of Giovanni's influence in Team Rocket affairs, so I orchestrated a coup. After tying him up and murdering him by shoving a large metal rod so far up his ass that it caused brain damage, I seized absolute authority over Team Rocket. Now, I will soon begin my master plan to bop the Man--I mean, my master plan to gain total dictatorship over the entire world! So speaks Pikalini!"]

SCENE III

(This scene opens up in the cabin which the members of Team Rocket--Jesse, James, Meowth, that's right!--call home occasionally. Jesse is looking at different china patterns and is picking out invitations to her wedding with Meowth. Yes, she's getting married...to an animal!) JESSE: Meowth? Oh, Meowth? Where the hell is that scummy little fuck? Last I heard, he and James were going somewhere...hmm... (Jesse looks around the cabin for her beloved Meowth. She hears strange sounds coming from the bedroom of Team Rocket's resident fag, James.) JESSE: What the fuck is James shoving up his ass this time? I'll go check it out. (Jesse opens the door to James' room only to find Meowth giving him anal sex.) JAMES: (Sniffing a rose.) Haw-haw-haw, Meowth! You're going to have to do better than THAT if you want an orgasm out of me! MEOWTH: Alright, James! You asked for it and you're gonna get it! (Meowth then takes Jesse's Arbok--recently stolen--and shoves it head-first into James’ anal cavity. Jesse, content no longer to watch her partner and her fiance go at it, angrily storms into the den of homoeroticism and bestiality.) JAMES: Oh yeah, Meowth! That's more like it! MEOWTH: It's squirming. I know you like it like that, James. JAMES: I'd prefer children to be up there but I can deal with it-- JESSE: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?!?! MEOWTH: What do you mean? JESSE: I mean, you're shoving MY Arbok up James' ass! Get that thing the fuck out of there! Did you forget that we're engaged to be married?! MEOWTH: (Pulling the Arbok out, deeply concerned for Jesse's feelings.) It's okay, Jesse, I can hit it both ways. JESSE: M-meowth? How could you? MEOWTH: Jesse, you know I love-- JAMES: Uh, Meowth, my ASS is running on empty. How about a fill up? (Meowth takes a mallet and...shoves it up his ass, what else?) JAMES: Haw-haw-haw! You get better every time. JESSE: Meowth, this is just sick. I don't know if I can still marry you after seeing this. MEOWTH: Jesse, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. JESSE: Even more than shoving shit up James' ass? MEOWTH: (Hesitantly.) ...Yes. JESSE: I'm glad to hear it, Meowth, but I still don't know...there's so much for us to get through now. JAMES: If I may interject, the key to a successful marriage is anal sex--and lots of it. There's nothing I like more than a good ol' dick-up-the-ass! I mean, sure, shoving stuff up my ass is great and all but nothing beats a boof! JESSE: I'm going to kill you James. MEOWTH: Jesse, you CAN'T kill him! I tried parking a Mack truck up his ass but he just took it and did that gay laugh of his. JAMES: Haw-haw-haw! What laugh is that, Meowth? JESSE: God I hate you, James. And, Meowth, there are other ways of killing people than just shoving objects up their asses. MEOWTH: There are? JESSE: Yes, try shooting them in the fucking head. That's what I'm going to do to James! MEOWTH: I dunno, Jesse, James is kinda fun to have around. His silly antics have amused us for years. JESSE: No, they haven't! Remember that time when we ended up knee-deep in the shit with those lawyers because James fucked all those orphans up their asses? JAMES: Ah...memories. I can barely recall that sexual offense. JESSE: It was two hours ago! JAMES: Oh. No wonder my dick is still hard. JESSE: You fuck! I'm gonna kick your ass! (Jesse then pulls out a lead pipe, while Meowth brandishes his nunchuks, and the pair proceeds to beat James within an inch of his life.) JAMES: Haw-haw-ack! This sucks! MEOWTH: Damn straight it does, buttfuck-boy. Take this! (After the severe beating, Jesse and Meowth decide to try and pull together the pieces of their shattered lives.) JESSE: Anyway, let's get out of here, Meowth. We have a lot to talk about. MEOWTH: Aww, dammit! I was just getting warmed up, too. (Later, in a trendy cafe which Jesse frequents, she and Meowth discuss in which direction their relationship is headed.) MEOWTH: (Sipping a cappuccino.) I really don't see what the problem is. JESSE: You don't?! You're fucking cheating on me...with a man! MEOWTH: So? James is just meaningless sex. It's not like I'm gay or anything. I still get a hard on from looking at you, Jesse. Like that time you were wearing the strap-on! JESSE: Meowth! That was disgusting! MEOWTH: Just kidding. I mean, I'm a bisexual Pokemon. Is that so wrong? JESSE: Yes! MEOWTH: So it's wrong for me to venture into homosexual experimentation, but what about the time you and that slut Misty ate each other out and then went to it with the dildos? JESSE: You asshole! I was drunk, and besides, I thought she was you. MEOWTH: (Patronizing.) Sure you did. JESSE: Seriously, Meowth, if we're still going to go through with this wedding, I want you to swear that you will NEVER cheat on me again or engage in any kind of homo- or bisexual activities, unless I'm participating, too. MEOWTH: (After contemplating for a while.) Okay, Jesse. I'll do it for you. JESSE: Good. Now, why don't you show me how much you love me. MEOWTH: Uh...you want me to buy you flowers or some such shit? JESSE: No! I want to go back home and have kinky sex! MEOWTH: (For no apparent reason at all.) Banzai!

SCENE IV

(In the forest outside of Veridian City, some kids are busy hunting Pokemon so that they, too, can become Pokemon Masters.) BOY 1: Hey! Look over there! There's something moving around in the bushes. GIRL 1: Wow! It could be a Ratatta! GIRL 2: Or a Magikarp! FAT KID: A Magikarp? Dumbass bitch! (Suddenly, the children hear a sweet-sounding melody emanating from the microphone of the Pokemon singing sensation--Jigglypuff!) JIGGLYPUFF: Jigglypuff jiggly-y-y-puff…jigglypuff jiggly…jigglypuff…jigglypuff…jigglypuff jiggly-y-y-puff… (Then, from the nearby undergrowth emerges that dastardly Jigglypuff, microphone in one hand and his mighty sack in the other, ready to kidnap the children…and molest them!) JIGGLYPUFF: Ahoy! These be some fine childrens’ arses to rape! I'll just put 'em in my sack and take 'em back to my evil lair. Hmm…fatty here's gonna provide some great entertainment. (Jigglypuff licks his lips. After collecting his day's worth of children, Jigglypuff takes his sack over his shoulder and drags them to his cave which serves as his molestation lair. While walking, Jigglypuff sings.) JIGGLYPUFF: (Singing.) Getting' me some children / Gonna touch some penis / Rape 'em up the ass and / Drive them home! (Eventually, the brave Jigglypuff tames the wilderness and brings the children--still in the sack--to the safety of his cave, where he proceeds to empty the children out of the sack and shove his microphone and marker up their asses and cunts.) JIGGLYPUFF: Alright, ya little fucks--listen up and listen fucking good! I am the master here, you may refer to me only as "massa." Got that? I am the master and you are the niggers. BOY 1: Massa? What's a "nigger?" JIGGLYPUFF: It's what you are, coon! Shut yer negro mouth! (Jigglypuff takes a bucket of KFC and throws it out on the highway. The boy, unable to resist the lure of the fat-fried flesh with eleven herbs and spices--like any stereotypical black person--runs out into the highway and gets run over by a speeding car.) GIRL 1: J-jigglypuff…you just killed him. JIGGLYPUFF: Yeah? Don't just stand there, cooze! Dispose of the body. (After the children get rid of the incriminating evidence which would lock Jigglypuff up for a long, long time, Jigglypuff gets ready to give those children what they want. No, not a ride back home, a rape up the ass! First, he takes the first little girl and shoves a marker in her vagina. Then he takes his microphone to the backside of the second girl. Now, it's on to the fat kid. Jigglypuff jumps down the fat kid's pants.) JIGGLYPUFF: (From inside the pants.) Jiggly! Jiggly! FAT KID: Jigglyp--er, massa, why are you tickling my testes? JIGGLYPUFF: Shut your mouth, lard-ass! It's fat people like you and your kind that are making this world hell to live in! (After a few more minutes of in-the-pants action, the fat kid--unable to contain himself--lets loose a wave of bodily fluids on which Jigglypuff is hanging ten.) JIGGLYPUFF: Whoo-ee! (Bizarre and illegal sex acts such as this continue for some time, until Jigglypuff decides that it is time to return the tykes to their homes. Jigglypuff piles the three survivors into his trashy car and drives to their quaint suburban homes.) GIRL 2: You'll call me, right, Jigglypuff? JIGGLYPUFF: Yeah, I always return my calls, baby. (Winks.) (Then, at the fat kid's house.) FAT KID: I had a great time tonight, Jigglypuff--I mean, massa. Let's do it again sometime. JIGGLYPUFF: Sure thing, but remember--don't tell your parents about this. Now, go on, get outta here. (Jigglypuff smacks the fat kid's ass then drives off back to his cave. This day's work has ended but tomorrow is another day, full of brand new adventures for Jigglypuff. Fight on Jigglypuff! Fight for your right--to rape some children!!)

SCENE V

(After that horrible display, we must know turn our attention back to Pikachu and his slave, the ever-faithful Ash Ketchum. Ash watches while Pikachu whips a helpless Bulbasaur into submission.) PIKACHU: Pika! Pika-pik! ASH: That's right, Pikachu--I mean, Pikalini! Show that bitch who's boss! BULBASAUR: Bulba...bula...saur... (Pikachu continues the punishment with his riding crop. With one mighty whip, Pikachu snaps the weakened Bulbasaur's back.) ASH: Shit! What the hell did you do, Pikachu?! PIKACHU: PIKA!! ASH: Uh, sorry... I meant to say, uh, "If you don't mind telling me, what transpired in reference to the Bulbasaur which was receiving stern corporal punishment at your hand?" PIKACHU: Chu. ASH: (Under his breath.) Whew. Good thing I got out of that one without a dildo up the ass. (Pikachu hears Ash's smart remark and proceeds to shove a dildo up Ash's ass. What else were you expecting?) BULBASAUR: Bulba...fucking...saur... ASH: Aaugh!! Pikachu! Please stop…that Bulbasaur needs our help. PIKACHU: Pikachu!! ASH: Uh… (While Ash passes out due to the incredible strain on his sphincter, Misty and the Brock rush in to see the injured Bulbasaur.) BROCK: (Souding dramatic.) Guys, maybe we should stop this. MISTY: Of course we should, you dumb, hermaphrodite fuck! That Bulbasaur's back has been broken by the baneful beating it received by that buttfucker Pikachu! (How's that for alliteration? Who says we can't fit real literary techniques in these fanfictions?) ASH: Ungh...please help... MISTY: The Bulbasaur! We have to get him to a PokeCenter! ASH: Dumb bitch...I meant me... (Misty goes over to Ash, who is still weak and injured because he mouthed off to Pikachu, and kicks the little bastard in the face.) MISTY: Bitch, am I? I'll show you a bitch--right upside your head! ASH: ...shit... BROCK: Guys! We have to get to a PokeCenter on the double. You guys lead the way. ASH: Why should we? I'm the injured one! BROCK: Because--in case you haven't noticed, genius--I never open my eyes and, thus, cannot see where the hell I'm going. ASH: Why don't you ever open your eyes, Brock? MISTY: 'Cuz he's a fucking slant, that's why! BROCK: At least I'm not some tight-ass white bitch with a stick up her rear. MISTY: You should talk, you goddamn Nip! Japs like you are fucking obsessive about studying and all that shit. Compared to an Asian, a white person looks like a Spic! ASH: Waitaminute! Aren't we all Japanese? We all speak Japanese, we all live in Japan, so why the hell aren't we all Japanese? MISTY: Damn, Ash, you're a dumb shit. If you haven't already realized that Japanese people fill their animation with white people because they understand that the blonde-haired, blue-eyed white person is the universal template for beauty and perfection, then you've been living in fucking fairyland. BROCK: You mean universal template for violence and ignorance. If you look at any history book, the whole thing is filled from cover to cover with wars fought by white people against other white people. It was only until the late nineteenth century that Western civilization infiltrated Asia and corrupted Japan to the point at which Hideki Tojo was allowed to become a fascist symbol of Japanese oppression over other peoples. MISTY: Well said, Brock, but you're forgetting a person by the name of Genghis Kahn. He was the one who took his "Golden Horde" all across Asia into Russia, indirectly causing the cultural stagnation which allowed Russia to become overrun by bastard Marxism in the style of Lenin and that awful Stalin character. BROCK: Good point, but for every Asian psychopath you can name, there are another hundred European tyrants. MISTY: Oh, really? But you're forgetting that European civilization has produced almost every cultural, intellectual, social, scientific, political, and economic advancement the modern world enjoys. ASH: Shut the fuck up! Both of you! This is ridiculous. You're arguing about whose civilization is superior--when it's obviously Western civilization--while this Bulbasaur is dying. PIKACHU: Pika-pik! Chu! MISTY: I guess Ash and Pikachu are right. We'd better hurry and get this Bulbasaur to the nearest PokeCenter. (They fearsome foursome get their Pokemon pal to the PokeCenter in Fuschia City, where they check in with the resident Nurse Joy.) NURSE JOY: I can't believe you let this Bulbasaur get so hurt before bringing it here! This is the kind of irresponsible Pokemon training that makes me mad! MISTY: Shut yer fuckin' mouth, ya cooze! NURSE JOY: Hey! That is really uncalled for, young lady. BROCK: (Blushing.) Uh…heh, Nurse Joy, you sure are purty. Huh-yuck! ASH: Damn, Brock, you sound like a fucking hick. NURSE JOY: Ash! Please don't use such fucking language here in front of these injured Pokemon. And, by the way, thank you, Brock, but I don't swing that way. BROCK: What?! You mean…you're a dyke? NURSE JOY: Well, I prefer lesbian but--yes. MISTY: Oh yeah? You think that's hot shit? Well, I used to be a prostitute. ASH: Really? MISTY: Yep! I've sucked just about every dick in Vermillion City. BROCK: Whoa…that's pretty fucked up right there, Misty. But, then again, it's not like I can say that I'm totally surprised. MISTY: Bastard! NURSE JOY: Hel-loo! Lesbian transsexual over here! ASH: What the fuck?! You're a transsexual, too? NURSE JOY: Yes. That's what I was trying to tell you dipshits before that red-headed whore interrupted me. BROCK: Well, you've got my attention, Nurse Joy. Tell on! NURSE JOY: Why, thank you, Brock. It all started when myself and the other Nurse Joys were about 14 years old. You see, I was born a boy, unlike all the other Nurse Joys, which made me feel like an outcast. When we were in our early teens, the other--girl--Nurse Joys would experiment sexually with each other. I was so jealous that they never let me join in, because they had all converted to lesbianism by the time they were 15. They were pure dykes and would never let me join in on any lesbian sex! It sucked! BROCK: So, what did you do? NURSE JOY: Isn't it obvious? I went to Professor Oak and got a sex change operation. ASH: He does sex changes? NURSE JOY: Of course! He's a professor, isn't he? So anyway, I came back home--now a girl--to my fellow Nurse Joys, who accepted me with open arms. To this day we still have at least one lesbian orgy a week. MISTY: Wow. Even I'm amazed at that. My sisters can only manage one orgy per month. It just wears them out too much. BROCK: Your sisters are lesbians? MISTY: Oh, yeah. Didn't you know that? ASH: Oh the subject of lesbian orgies, how's my Bulbasaur doing, Nurse Joy? NURSE JOY: Oh, your Bulbasaur died while I was telling my story, Ash. Sorry. (Ash falls to his knees, tears streaming down the young boy's cheeks, and cries out for his long lost Bulbasaur.) ASH: Nooooooooo!!! (Suddenly, Pikachu, angry from being ignored for all this time, sneaks up behind Ash, sticks his finger up his ass, and zaps the Pokemon Master-in-training.)

SCENE VI

(Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu are walking through Fuschia City. They notice a disturbingly large amount of disco music stores and male hairdressers, even for a city the size of Fuschia City. Also, every store seems to have a rainbow-colored flag hanging in front of it, as well as having signs which say, "Approved by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance.") ASH: Wow! This city sure is gay-friendly. BROCK: Why do you say that, Ash? ASH: Well, you know, all this disco music--which gay people like--and rainbow flags--a symbol of fagism. MISTY: Fagism? ASH: Yeah! Y'know, the state of being a fag. BROCK: Bet you know all about that, eh, Ash? ASH: What?!?! MISTY: Well, your voice is done by a woman in the American dub of "Pokemon." ASH: Shut up! At least I don't say "eh" like some stupid-ass Canadian--Brock! BROCK: I'm a Canadian? This must be my day for surprises, eh? ASH: There you go again! Fucking Canadian, lumberjack, French-speaking bastard! PIKACHU: Pika pik! MISTY: Hey! What's that?! (Misty is referring to the gigantic Doduo which is ravaging the downtown area of Fuschia City. It is stomping on people and knocking over buildings, much like that "Godzilla" fellow those Nips are so fond of. Our fearless adventurers go and find some guy that's running away to try and shed some light on this catastrophe.) ASH: Hey! Gay dude! Can I ask you something? GAY GUY: Well, in case you dickheads haven't noticed, a giant Pokemon is ravaging our beautiful, homosexual city and I'm trying to get the fuck out of its way. ASH: So, can we ask you the question we had? GAY GUY: Oh, sure! Go ahead. ASH: Okay. What's up with the giant Doduo attacking everyone? GAY GUY: What?! You guys don't know? You see, Fuschia City is 87% gay and there is a militant straight minority which seeks to overthrow the homosexual hierarchy. Since all the intelligent people are straight, such as scientists, philosophers, professors, doctors, etc., they are able to genetically engineer gigantic Pokemon--such as yon Doduo--to destroy we of the fagish persuasion. MISTY: Whoa. That's heavy shit. BROCK: Yeah. Let's go find these--these "straights" and show them why it's not good to destroy cities. ASH: Okay...but what if it's a gay city? BROCK: It's still not right, Ash. Instead, you could just send all those filthy fag-asses to concentration camps and let honest, hard-working heterosexuals move in. MISTY: Y'know, Brock, those last two things you just said make absolutely no sense in the context of each other. BROCK: Yeah? Well, here's another thing that doesn't make any sense: Violence to women! (The Brock then beats Misty until she starts coughing up blood. Then, they all go and find the straight headquarters. When they finally arrive at the straight HQ, called the Straights 'R' Us, they knock on the door, whereupon a panel is opened on the door, through which a straight soldier looks.) STRAIGHT GUY #1: What's the fuckin' password, bitch?! ASH: Uh...I dunno, "Gays suck?" STRAIGHT GUY #1: Oh. Okay. Well, come right on in, brothers and sisters in straightness. (They enter the Straights 'R' Us HQ, which is adorned heavily with heterosexual propaganda.) BROCK: Wow! This place is fucking cool! What's this t-shirt say? "AIDS--Blame it on the Fags." Damn straight. MISTY: Brock, but I have AIDS--as well as just about every other venereal disease known to man, and some that aren't--and I'm not gay. BROCK: Whatever, ho! (The Brock then bitch-slaps Misty and kicks that whore in the stomach.) ASH: Brock? Why do you keep beating Misty’s ho ass like that? BROCK: Because she’s a ho--that’s what she gets for being a ho. MISTY: (Cheerfully.) Exactly! STRAIGHT GUY #2: Okay, brothers and sisters, let’s begin our meeting. Our mission for this week is to assassinate the faggot-ass mayor of this faggot-ass city, Urassis Itchee. BROCK: Fuckin’ A--beeyatch! STRAIGHT GUY #2: I’m glad you’re so enthusiastic about our mission, brother in the straight path. BROCK: Well, I try to do whatever I can to help people to become more open-minded about alternative lifestyles--even if they are filthy fag lifestyles. STRAIGHT GUY #3: What the fuck?! Are you supporting the way of those--those abominations? ASH: Uh…of course he isn’t! You see, Brock is a little...well, he’s a little fucked up in the head, so you really can’t hold him responsible for his actions. STRAIGHT GUY#4: I’ll show you responsible for your actions, you little fag-lover. STRAIGHT GUY #2: Jesus loves everyone...except for the gays. (Just as the warriors of heterosexuality close in on our three Poke-adventurers, the gay police suddenly raid the straight safe-house and begin shooting at the heteros.) GAY POLICEMAN #1: Fuck all you straights, muthafucka! How you like these cock-shaped bullets in your asses, bitches?! GAY POLICEMAN #2: Fuck all straights!! (After all the straights are brutally murdered, except of course for our three brave heroes, they stand with the gay police in a bloodstained warehouse that once was the headquarters of the Straight Resistance, with nothing to do but pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.) GAY POLICEMAN #3: Hey, youse guys, these dead bodies’ll make for some good fuckin’, eh? ASH: Hey, Brock! This faggot guys talks like a stupid nugget...just like you! BROCK: I’m not a Canadian, God dammit! ASH: Shut your lumberjack mouth, you fucking ass. MISTY: Well, I don’t care about Stephanie McMahon! I only care about the WWF Title! BROCK: What the fuck? MISTY: You call that goddamn title shot? The Rock was the damn referee! (As Misty--seemingly afflicted with Tourette’s syndrome--goes on yelling out shit, a trash can flies through the air, knocking her out.) ASH: Misty! Holy ass on a stick! BROCK: Whoa! There’s gay puppet porn over there! ASH: Hey...this trash can has a big, red “R” painted on it. This means that Team Rocket is responsible for murdering the woman that I love! The only answer to this is genocide! I’ll kill all of you Team Rocket fucks, so help me God, and I’ll make you pay! BROCK: (From far away.) Hey, Ash! Check out this puppet porn, man--it’s cool shit. ASH: Puppet porn? I’m there, dude. (As the two men leave the bleeding and not-dead-yet Misty to regain her senses, Pikachu stands in the shadows, watching from afar. He grins and rubs his paws together, knowing that the upcoming battle will be in his favor.) PIKACHU: (Evilly.) Pika...pika...chu.