Loss
By: Elizabeth Smith
He loves me. I know he does. He promised to protect me forever, didn't he? He follows me everywhere, no matter what I do. He's strong, but I know he would cry if I left him. He's sweet, and perfect, and wonderful. Not too smart, but that's okay. I can deal with that, I guess. I have enough brains for the both of us. So what if he doesn't understand me. Who cares if I don't know if I love him or not. He's always there. With all the chaos in my life, he's steadfast. He'll always be there for me. Admittedly, I created most of the chaos myself, and I like it, but… He's safe. While you-- You… You're danger incarnate. I can't read you, I can't understand you. Sometimes I think I do, but…I'm never sure. I thought I loved you. I think I love you. I don't know. But I'm pretty certain that's because I don't want to. Cuz I know if I lose myself to you, I'll get hurt. And I don't care if that's selfish, I don't care if true love is not wanting to hurt you and hurting myself to save you, I don't want to hurt again. Anymore. Still. So I'm going to ignore how my stomach jumps every time you touch my hand. I'm gonna forget all the times I fell asleep watching you smile at me across the fire. Because I know it was all cuz you're my best friend.
Right? Right? All those times you smiled at me, that was just because you're my friend. All the times I made you laugh, that was just cuz you were my friend, right? Even though no one else makes you laugh. But I'm gonna let it go. Cuz I can't be sure. I don't think I love you. I don't. But… What if you do love me? What if you're not just my friend? I felt like this about him at the very start, too. But it faded in very little time. Too little. If I hurt him, if I make him cry, if I take a change and jump towards you, hoping you'll catch me-- Will I just make you cry? Would you even catch me? I'm so afraid to fall. And I hate myself for being afraid. I'm just going to hurt you. I will, you know it, I know it… So… If I'm going to hurt everyone by trying to find the one who'll make me sing, and probably never find him, why try at all? Why hurt so many and accomplish nothing? So I'm… I'm gonna make sure it's me I hurt. Only me. No one else. Because that's not a hurt look you just shot me when I pulled away from your side, is it? No. No it's not. You didn't just sigh softly when I tried to talk to him instead of you, did you? No. No, you didn't. I'm only hurting me. Right?
Eternal Loss
Yeah. Sure, I'm okay. I'm fine, I'm happy. I miss you. What's going on? I thought I could take this, but… The smiles you used to give me… you're giving them to her. The laughter only I heard, I never hear it anymore. Unless she's making you laugh. And it hurts so bad. What's so great about her? She's so sweet, she's so nice… she's like a perfect me to the extreme. None of my greed, none of my selfishness, none of my noise, bad manners… It's not fair. How come she's perfect? I'm stronger than her. I'm more talented than her. But she cares more about you. She risked her feelings for you. I don't love you, I didn't even tell you… She did. She's so much better for you than I am. Now you don't even notice me. I try to make you laugh-- it's empty. He wants forever. He loves me. He's throwing it all away for me. If I take him, I'll never be able to bring myself to drop him, it would hurt him too much now… Am I ready for forever? No. But… I'm lost without someone. I need someone. I can't fare alone anymore. I used to, I could have before… Before you. Now you don't love me anymore… and I need someone to. So I guess I'll hurt more. But if I bury it deep enough, I won't notice. Forever's not so long, I guess. Forever is only until I die. Not too long, don't you think? Only… only the rest of my life…. I won't think of it like that. Forever is abstract, forget about forever. Only now. I miss you so much… we never talk anymore, you always want to be left alone with her… You don't talk to me at midnight anymore. ….I might love him. I'll try, at least. I feel safe with his arms around me-- is that the same thing? I miss you. Hello, forever.
Continued Death
Hm? Oh! It's you. Hi. Yeah, I guess. We broke up a while ago. He tried to kill himself. It's my fau-- It's been years, hasn't it? Wow, you haven't changed a bit. You look amazing. No, I'm serious! You do. So how's… How's she doing? Three kids? Really? Name any after me? No? Ah. Didn't think you would… Tenth anniversary, really? Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. Yes, really! Come on, would I lie to you? I haven't changed that much. Why would I lie to someone I miss so mu-- Any girls? One? …She sounds lovely. Red hair, really? …She could have been mi-- How about the boys? Oh? Really? You must be very proud. They sound wonderful. Visit? Me? Oh, no, I couldn't-- No, I couldn't-- I just couldn't! … Sorry. I'll be seeing you. Yeah. I love you too.
Wait… …I think I missed something.
