All
in the Name of Friendship
Part 5
By: Elizabeth Smith
Lina watched Pierce Brosnen execute his famous phrase, rolled her eyes and
munched on some popcorn. She hadn’t seen the first six…five…eight… how
many of the damn things were there? Bond movies, but she hoped they had gotten
worse after time. She certainly was praying now that the fanatics hadn’t been
hooked by this kind of plot.
Why the
hell did I let myself get hooked into this, anyway? It sucks! Lina looked over
at Zelgadis, who didn’t seem to have a problem with it. She sighed. If we were
renting this, it would be one of those flicks that you’re apparently supposed
to turn the sound off and watch the…scenery. She sighed. Zel and his weird
tastes. I don’t see what’s so great about this guy in the first place.
Pretty? Hah! Even Xellos could out-pretty him! Admittedly, Xellos looked almost
as pretty as Zel, but that was beside the point. The point is, this movie sucks.
How old is this guy? Thirty? He has wrinkles! This is supposed to be sexy? And
my god…what was up with Harrison ford getting sexiest man of the year?
He’s…he’s…old! Forty, at the least.
Lina was
obviously not watching the movie. When her mind started turning to things like
people magazine, she was bored. Lina couldn’t care less about popular
celebrities or styles, so when she had reached those it was pretty clear she’d
gone through all the alternatives. She snorted. “Of course.” She said in a
not quite whisper, “Of course. He gets the brand new bubble thingie that could
have no purpose whatsoever that I could see, but it’s the EXACT thing he needs
when he gets up in the Himalayas, or whatever. Mountains anyway.” She sipped
her drink. Well, not so much sip, as gulped it down.
Lina
wanted to be perfectly clear on this. Maybe then the movie might make sense, and
therefore may have a chance at being worth watching.
“And the
guy just invented it, right? Ahead of time. Without knowing that he’d be in
the himalayas. Mountains. Whatever. Right?”
“Right,”
Zelgadis replied, trying not to notice her. She always did this. Tragic romances
had her in tears for the majority of the movie. In Titanic, for example, she was
crying the second the iceberg hit. In the comedies, she laughed her ass off,
making sure to bring over an authority or two who would politely ask her leave.
She would cheerfully tell them to shove it and continue laughing. Except for the
bad ones. Then she would make snide remarks. But they were just snide little
asides that actually made the thing more funny.
Action
movies, where the plot was supposed to be the sex and the fighting, made her
into the most sarcastic bitch he’d ever met.
“So,
this just happens, by pure accident, to be just the thing he needs for this one
time, am I correct?”
Zelgadis
sighed. “Yes.” He had forgotten a while ago why he ever took her to movies
in the first place.
“And he
never gets stuck with the snow stuff while he needs something in the desert? Or
has a special, compressed thingie of water in the middle of a lake?”
“No.”
Zelgadis tried to ignore her and concentrate on the movie.
“Right.
One hell of a lucky guy, isn’t he?”
“Yes.”
They
watches the movie for a while. Well, Zelgadis watched the movie, Lina picked at
the weave of the cloth seats and ate her raisinettes.
“Oh,
come ON.”
Zelgadis
sighed. “What is it THIS time?”
“That!”
Lina pointed to the bonds-eye-view through x-ray glasses at the bar. In other
words, the imaginative camera angles of women in underwear with guns tucked into
the elastic waistbands. And other places. “There is no way that would
happen.”
“What,
the x-ray vision?”
“No
stupid, although the vision wouldn’t show the underwear at all, just the bones
and the guns, but… say, what if one of those girls is pregnant?”
Zelgadis
didn’t even try to follow her train of thought. “Come again?”
“What if
one of them is pregnant? He could mutate one of their kids. I thought he was
supposed to be the good guy?”
Zelgadis
sighed. It was the kind of sigh you get from a husband who comes home and finds
out his wife bought yet another pair of shoes, this one in coral pink instead of
blush pink. “What do you want him to do, Lina? Give out lead aprons to all the
women in there?”
“That’s
not my point. My point was, in the first place, that the girls have all those
guns tucked in their underwear. Number one, in dresses that tiny, skimpy, and
practically painted on, they’re so tight, how the hell are they going to reach
them? I mean, half of ‘em have the guns in the top of their pantyhose.”
Lina
snorted. “They’re gonna have to hike their dress up around their ears to get
at ‘em. Oops, never mind. Some of them seem to be doing quite a good job of
that already. Jeez, and bond is certainly giving the audience a god view.
Considerate of him.” Zelgadis ignored that remark.
“Anyway,
my second point is, how the hell are the girls supposed to hide the damn things
under those dresses? I mean, I can’t manage to hide my driver’s license in
my bra without it showing, much less a hand gun!” She snorted derisively.
Zelgadis decided she snorted way too much. “This is completely screwed up.”
Zelgadis
contemplated doing what was going through his mind at the moment to his best
friend, confidante, trusted companion and all around wonderful and loved person.
No, it wasn’t worth the jail time.
Besides,
the movie theatre would never get the bloodstains out of the carpet. “Oh, and
now They’re suddenly in bed. What is this, the third time? With separate women
each time?”
“I think
it’s the second.”
“Name
one woman he meets that he doesn’t screw. This does not include the extras.”
“The
lady that tried to escape in the balloon.”
“I’m
sure he found a way while they were falling.”
“Lina…”
“Seriously!
Ewwww, what do people see in him? Oh yeah, I wanna see him naked from the waist
up, whoo boy. He looks like he glued a carpet to his chest--”
“Lina!”
Zelgadis hissed, turning to her. “Would you let me watch the movie??”
Lina
started and winced. “Sorry, sorry. I’ll let you suspend your disbelief for
now…”
“Thank
you.” Zelgadis turned back to the picture.
“Suspend
by the neck…”
“Lina!!”
