Disclaimer: Erm... guess!
Warning: POV, reference to rape, yaoi, sappiness. And BIG character bastardzation! (except Duo-chan...)
Rating:PG-13
Author's Note: Just this little thing that was in my head. I didn’t write any other GW thing except for SM related stuff. I got fed up, I guess. So, here’s something new. It’s short and pointless, but I hope ya like.
Ja na!
My Letter to You
I think I was about thirteen when I first realized what kind of effect I had on people around me. I think that that’s when I first noticed how they looked at me, with those hungry eyes. I would walk into a room and suddenly people turned into caged animals, about to set out into the wild and devour. Devour me. It was then when I realized what kind of power I had, and that I could use it to my advantage. I knew that they wanted me, and I knew that I could use them to have my way.
I was thirteen and a half when I lost my virginity. I don’t even remember who it was; all I know is that he was one of the personnel working around the training camp. Since that day, I had had many others. Word spread out quickly around the base, and I became the ‘stress relief factor’ for all those who were interested. Well, all those who didn’t mind people knowing that they were fucking a thirteen-year-old boy.
The first time, it was quite painful. Not to mention that it was done against my will. He just grabbed me while I passed by a dark corner, shoved me against the wall and that was that. I was so shocked, I couldn’t even think of fighting him. Once I realized what had happened, I beat the living daylights out of him. I was so angry... but then, then I thought to myself that if I could make people do such things, maybe I could somehow make the best of it.
I learned quickly how to use my newfound ‘power’. I learned how to move right, how to slowly push my hair out of my eyes, how to show more of my body in each and every movement. I would do something, see how they reacted, and so I learned. I got so good, apparently, that I was able to seduce people without even trying. I would just look their way and I could see their pants getting tighter.
Most of the time, they would come and ask my permission. I suppose they knew what would happen to them if they wouldn’t ask me first. If they agreed to my terms, then they got what they wanted. Pure and simple. That way, we would both benefit from it. Sometimes, they would come into my room, uninvited, but I didn’t mind. I fought and I resisted until the terms were settled. I didn’t ask for much, so don’t get me wrong; I didn’t use them more than they used me. Most of the time I would ask for simple things- nothing more than a hot meal, a warm blanket for the cold nights, some soap, maybe even a brush. Sometimes, if I knew how desperate they are, and that they would be willing to give anything to have my body, I would be brave and ask for something like new shoes or cloths. It was the only way for me to get those kind of things.
So I guess you can say that I used my sexuality to get along in life. I was a way for them to relieve their stress, and apparently, I was good at it too. They didn’t mind if sometimes I was bruised and battered, bones shattered and broken. Even if I didn’t look at my best, they couldn’t care less. Not as long as they could stick their dick up my ass. That’s when I got the best ‘rewards’, when I let them have me even if I was injured.
It sounds bad, I know. It was disturbing for me at times, but I learned to deal with it. I think it’s because I always believed that after the training would be over, so will this nightmare.
Boy, was I wrong.
The first one to take notice of me, when I came down to Earth, was, to my great surprise, a girl. It was the first time I’ve ever been with a girl, and it was so strange for me. But she had asked, and I, as usual, let her. And was THAT one big mistake! She didn’t leave me for a second afterwards. She thought that because I gave her my body, we were bonded for life. I just did it so I could have a safe and warm place to spend the night in, for I knew that OZ forces were looking for me all over the place.
She spends day and night looking for me. I have no more use for her now, there’s nothing she can give me. I tried to tell her that, but she insisted that there was more between us. I never understood what more meant. I never had more.
A few weeks into the war, my status as ‘the base’s whore’ changed. I no longer had control over who, what, where, how and why. Suddenly, I found that I could no longer have power over what they did with me. My body was used, countless of times, like I was nothing but a toy, but I got nothing in return. Nothing but the pain, that is. The only thing they gave me that was of some help, was the chance to live. But that meant nothing to me. After being fucked by a bunch of drunken OZzies for hours on end, who will want to live? I did it because I knew it will help me complete my mission, but I didn’t plan to live afterwards.
I guess that that was part of the reasons I tried to self-destruct. But that only brought more pain. And more of those kind of cases when my body was used like it was nothing but a cheap sex toy. And what hurt the most was, that I knew those people. They weren’t just faces, they were supposed to be my friends, or at least my comrades.
It was Trowa who had me first. I woke up after about a month of dark and cold oblivion, only to find myself lying on his bed. I was sore all over, my body weak and burning with pain; pain I related to the damage inflicted on my body due to the self-destruction of my Gundam.
Trowa was really nice to me. He was a good friend and he nursed me back to health. That’s why I refused to believe that the pain I felt inside, in my lower body, was caused by him. But I knew that pain, and I knew that no self-destruction could cause it.
My suspicions were confirmed when one night, while we were on the road to Sicily, he crawled into my sleeping bag and fucked me ruthlessly until daybreak. I was too weak and tired to protest, and so I gave up on fighting him and just embraced the horror, thinking I should have seen it coming. I concentrated only on controlling the pain as he pounded into me over and over, calling out my name as he came.
He had called me ‘Angel’. What a joke, eh? Me? An angel?
I asked him why he was calling me this. I knew I was far from it. His answer was that during the time I was unconscious, he didn’t know my name, and so he decided on calling me Angel. He said he wished for nothing more than to see my eyes once again. He said that one look into my eyes and he was lost, he just had to have me. I tried to avoid eye contact with him since that day, but as usual, when he asked for it, I gave it to him. After all, I owed him my life, even if I wasn’t happy about it.
But it didn’t end there, you see. I think the worse part of Trowa’s betrayal was when one night, we were caught in some roadblock. Some OZ soldiers were making routine check on cars, and our truck wasn’t carrying any simple merchandize. They knew what we were hiding, and chances are, they would have told on us. But Trowa took care of that, you see. I remember that it was late at night, and I was lying on the front seat of the truck, my head on Trowa’s lap as I was dozing, after hours and hours of hard, um, work. The soldiers, they saw me lying there, and neither Trowa, nor I missed the looks in their eyes. The deal was, they can have me for the night, and we can go freely. I tried to tell Trowa that I wasn’t up to it yet, but I guess that he was right; there was no other way. He waited in the truck while they did whatever they wanted with me, and then in the morning he came, picked me up, placed me in his lap again and then we were off. I’ll never forgive him for that.
I guess the one who shouldn’t have surprised me, but did manage to do so, was that OZ commander, Zechs Marquis. He invited Trowa and I to a battle in the artic. I guess you know what else happened there. If it wasn’t Trowa, it was that blond. If it wasn’t one of them, it was some other guy on the small base. I was only there for three nights, but that was enough. When we battled, it was after such a rough night... I was too sore to actually fight. It was hard, and if that girl from before wouldn’t have interfered, I think I would have surely died that day.
Things like that happened often. It was always when I least expected it. Just when I thought it was safe to bring my senses down, maybe have one, just one, goodnight sleep, someone would crawl out of the shadows and claim me. But the most shocking betrayal, was when the one to claim my body, was no other than Chang Wufei. I had figured that he didn’t go that way. I had figured that he was straight. I thought he had more honor in him than that. But I guess even someone like Chang needed the means to relive himself of his stress and aggressions.
It was on the moon base. We were both captured and imprisoned in some dark and cold cell. He was under a lot of stress, I guess. He needed a way to let out his frustrations and aggressions, and I was there, lying impassively on the floor, just waiting for it to happen. I needed to blow off some steam as well, and so, I let him. I thought that maybe after I’ll let him do whatever he wanted with me, let it all out on the sake of my already trampled body, it will be over and he would leave me alone.
But as usual, I was way wrong. He needed more. I would be lying in the dark, after the OZzies would let us out of one of their ‘interrogations’, and then suddenly, he would grab me, strip me, and before I had the chance to fight him off, he was already slamming into me. He was rough, he was really rough. One of the toughest I ever had. And those damn OZzies beating the shit out of me earlier, didn’t help either.
That’s when you came. I remember, he was just about to grab me again, and I tried to pull away. He chased me all around the dark room, when suddenly, the door opened and you, erm... crashed into the room. Wufei backed off straight away, making it as if we weren’t playing cat and mouse about a second before. I guess he didn’t want anyone to know what happened in that room.
I wanted to just die when I saw your beaten body being thrown into the room. My heart clenched painfully and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I suddenly felt something I never felt before. My face turned crimson red and I had to force myself to keep breathing. I was torn between the urge to rush to your side and help you, and between that smothering feeling that made me want to bury myself somewhere and die. I felt so ashamed. For the first time in my life, I felt shameful of my actions. I felt dirty, tainted, unworthy of anything. I hated myself just then. I hated my body. I hated everything I EVER did. I hated everything about me.
And it’s all because of you. My angel. You are the real angel between us. So pure... so beautiful... so unlike me. You’re the only one I ever felt anything for. And at that moment, I felt like crying, for then, and only then, when I saw your bruised and bloody face, I realized that I loved you.
I had also realized, that I don’t deserve you.
I tried to stop my awful habits of giving my body away. I really did. But fate, as it seems, won’t allow such a thing. There had been other cases, and I will be lying if I said that I had no control over them. I gave my body away like it meant nothing, and like the cheap whore that I am, I did it only to get something in return, or to pay back a favor. I had nothing to give people, but that, you see?
After we escaped the moon base, Quatre and I came down to Sank. And that girl, she was still there. She had promised to look for the missing Trowa and she gave us sanctuary. She said I owe for that much, and she was right, I guess. I figured she had learned that that was the only way she could have me- give some and have some. I let her have my body twice, in return for her actions. I also gave it to Quatre. He didn’t really ask for it, but he was devastated after what happened to Trowa, and I knew he needed to find comfort. I offered him, and he took it. It was sort of different with him; I think that I was the one to do most of the stuff. He really needed it. I gave myself to him three times, one for each time he had saved my life in the time between the moon base and then.
The last to have made such a deal with me was that Colonel, Treize. I got Epyon in exchange. It seemed like a good deal at the time, you know? But Epyon proved to be more than I could handle. I never understood what he wanted me to do with it. I find it hard to believe that it was all he had to offer in exchange of my body. But he was my last, I swear. I never gave myself to anyone since then. I rather have died than give myself to anyone ever again. And I owe it all to you, my love. My Angel, you had made me see that maybe I was worth something; maybe I was something more than just a body that screws and fights. You treated me like no one EVER did. You never asked and you never took. I can’t begin to explain to you how much I appreciate that. You’re the only one who had never made me feel like an object or a toy. And once I realized that, my love for you only grew stronger.
I guess I’m writing you this, because I feel like I owe you an explanation. I’ve done you wrong, and you cannot believe how bad I feel for doing so. I feel like I stabbed myself in the heart. Mere words can’t explain to you what I feel. I was never very good with words. I wrote this so maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to understand why I did what I did. Maybe you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me one day.
I never spoke of my past to anyone. You’re the only one who knows of it. You know my dark secrets, my past, my sins. I can’t keep anything from you, but I guess that I did, didn’t I? I left you. I kept my love from you. But I do love you, please don’t think otherwise. The problem is, that you told me you feel the same.
You told me that you loved me.
I don’t understand why. Why would you love me? You can do so much better than me, Duo. You deserve so much more. I am unworthy of your loving, angel. I am unworthy of your grace, your touch, your smile... anything. I was so surprised that you didn’t try and claim my body. You were always so gentle with me, so caring. You touched me in a way no one ever did. I think that I could feel your love through your touch. You are the only one who had ever touched me with love. I knew passion, lust and desire. Cruel, hot and burning desire, but I never knew love. I never made love to anyone, and then, then you offered me your body. I would have taken the offer, I think, but then you told me that it was your first time. You wanted us to be together for the first time... you wanted me to be your first lover. I’ve been a first to many, but never was I called a lover. I’m a ‘stress relief’, remember? And I couldn’t fight the tears as I told you that you would not be my first. You looked so hurt just then; I wanted to kill myself for hurting you. Again I was filled with shame and self-hatred.
See, I’ve lusted for you, Duo. My body ached for your touch. I’ve been yearning for it for so long... ever since I first laid my eyes on you. Ever since I was swept into those purple depths of your lively eyes.
But I didn’t want you to think that that’s all I wanted. It wasn’t. I was so happy to see and feel that it wasn’t all you wanted either. I was so glad we decided to wait, to take it slow. I really was. But last night... last night... I was in need to feel free of stress. I turned you into my ‘stress relief factor’, a term I hated all my life. I did to you what I hated most about what people did to me. I took your trust and used it against you. I forced myself on you. I don’t want you to think of it in any other way. It was all my doing, my fault, not yours. You didn’t bring this on yourself. I know you must think that you wanted it in some way, that you deserved it, that this is what was coming, but it wasn’t. I used to think so too in the beginning. But I was wrong, and so are you.
I hurt you, Duo, my angel. I hurt you. This is why I left. I left because I couldn’t bare the thought of seeing you hurt. The mere possibility of hurting you again, has brought me to this decision. I love you, Duo. I love you so much. I love everything about you. I love you for loving me. And I’m sorry. I truly am. I don’t think it’s enough to just say that I’m sorry, but that’s all I have to offer you. I told you before; I haven’t much to give you. I have only my love, but you probably don’t want it anymore. So I leave you with these few small things- this sorry list of excuses, the deepest of apologies, and... my thanks. Thak you for loving me for the short while that you did.
I’ll love you forever, Duo.
Goodbye.
* * *
I was angry at you at first. No. I think I was more like shocked at first. But then I got angry. Real angry. I don’t even remember what I screamed at you. It was so long ago... I just remember that I kicked you out of the house. I remember you weren’t wearing anything, but you didn’t ask to come back in. I know you stood by the door all morning, but you didn’t ask or said anything.
I really don’t remember a lot from that awful morning. I just remember that I woke up next to your nude body. My ass really hurt. Your arms and legs were locked around me, and I was really scared when I found out that we were both naked. See, at first I thought that it was normal, I mean, it wasn’t the first time we slept in the same bed. But then, when the headache cleared away from my fuzzy mind, I remembered. I remembered how drunk we both were, and I remember me asking you what you’re doing when you threw me on the bed.
Most of all, I remembered the look in your eyes as you pounded into me. I’ve never seen you like this before. You looked so... not you. Not the kind and loving Heero I knew. That feral look in your eyes... that wasn’t you.
I would have given myself to you willingly, if you had asked. Heero, you must have known that! You always said it wasn’t time yet, that we should wait, that there’s still much time... But I was willing. I don’t understand why you did that all of a sudden. What changed, that you suddenly had to do this to me?
That’s why I got so mad at you. I remembered the startled look on your face when you woke up after my fists crashed onto your body. I hated you so much just then! I wanted to hurt you as bad as you hurt me. And you just lay there and took the blows. Your face... I remember now. You looked like you weren’t even feeling what I’m doing to you. Like my fists were nothing more than feathers descending on your body. But your eyes... did you really think I couldn’t read them? Your eyes... They looked so sad and haunted. And when I pushed you off the bed and forced you out the door... I remember, you looked like you were okay with it. That you didn’t care. But you did. I remember that look you gave me; it was there for only a second, that forlorn look, and it would have broken my heart if I wasn’t so damn fucking mad at you!
You used me, you bastard! You used me! I was furious for days. I couldn’t care less when I looked out the window a few hours later, and you were gone. I wonder where you went off to, in your naked state. It was nightfall and you didn’t come back. I got worried. I always get worried about you, you ass. Even if I’m totally pissed off at you. I always worry. I told you that day, when the war was over, that I’d never let you go. That I’ll always be there for you. I wanted to protect you, to take care of you. I knew you wouldn’t do it yourself.
I went looking for you, but found no sign. I came back to our room and that’s when I found your letter. I threw it away at first. I knew you left me, and it made me angry again. You promised you wouldn’t leave me! You said that you would not let me go either! But you did! You fucking asshole! We could have gotten through, we always do! You must have known that! Sure I was angry, but did you think it was enough of a reason to throw what we had away???
I got even angrier with you. That letter lay inside the garbage can for nearly a week. It was only when Quatre came over with some comfort food, that I opened that letter. He was about to take out the garbage when I remembered the letter was there. I couldn’t just throw it away without reading it first, even if I didn’t like what it said. Quatre just gawked at me as I rummaged through the trash and retrieved it.
And you know, once I found it, I suddenly didn’t feel like reading it anymore. Let you rot in hell, that’s what I thought. I put it away in some God forsaken drawer, and tried to move on with my life.
That was exactly one year, three months, one week and four days ago.
Last night, I finally read it. I don’t know what came into me. That letter was calling me, beaconing me to come and read it. I missed you so much... you left nothing of yours behind... what you did leave, I threw away. That letter was all that I had left. When I touched it, I wanted it so much to be you... I missed your scent... you touch... your rare and precious smiles... So I read it. After one long and useless year, I read it.
Now I see, that I was the fool. I guess that there’s a good reason for you calling me a baka, eh? I can’t say that I approve of what you did to me... to us... but I can say that I understand it more. I understand you more. And Heero, I think I am very much able to forgive you. I miss you so much... I love you so much... we can fix this, don’t you think? It’s not too late... please come back to me... we can get through this, we always do.
I’m writing this letter now, and I still don’t know where you are. But I’m gonna find you. This letter is gonna get to you, or my name isn’t Duo Maxwell. You’ll be back, I just know it. You owe me that at least. If not to stay, then come only to tell me so. I’ll be waiting Heero.
You said forever, Heero. I plan for it to be much longer than that.
Come back to me, angel,
Duo
OWARI
Hmm... that was pointless... Oh well, you read it, not me... -__-;;;