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I Love You Too Much
Part One ~ Part Two ~ Part Three
Willow's eyes are pools of pure evil. Black as tar, no whites at all, and the glow of Hell's fires flickering deep within. They reflect the two gleaming blades spinning in the air before her. Her beautiful fiery hair has gone black, and her beautiful sweet face is a mask of madness and rage.
The glittering blades are ready to kill. Is that why I am here? Partly, I suppose.
The blades streak through the air at Willow's command, bury themselves in vulnerable flesh, and slice deeply. Blood flows over stone and freshly dug earth. Willow screams.
No! Those eyes aren't my Willow's. Not really.
That's why I'm here.
It's not just that I deserve to die. I need it, with every atom of my being.
I know what I've become. More black magic than human. I know I can't go on. I also know what the world is like, and I cannot let it exist for me anymore. I will not.
The question is... will she be waiting for me?
If anyone ever went to Heaven, she did. I'm not sure I'll be so lucky. But Hell can't be worse than this. I hope Buffy and Dawn find the courage to make the same choice.
And so I shed my final tears on her gravestone, bare my wrists, and do my final spell.
I scream her name. Did I think the razor blades wouldn't hurt because they're driven by magic? It's agony!
My blood flows into the outlines of the letters. "Tara Maclay."
The pain doesn't go away for many long minutes. But now I'm lying on the ground, feeling nothing. Waiting to be taken to her. Or taken to Hell.
"No, Willow..."
I smile. "Tara..."
She's kneeling in the grass in front of me, crying, but so beautiful!
"Tara... baby... don't cry, baby... we can be together now..."
"No, not now. Not like this, Willow. Just be still. I told someone to call an ambulance. Just hold on, darling."
Oh my God!
"Tara!"
"Buffy." Her smile is so sad. How can she be here? She's buried, shot to death with a stray bullet! I lost her and Willow! But... she is here. I run to hug her.
And right on through. She looks solid, but the wound at her heart is fresh... "You're a ghost? Oh, Tara...!"
"I guess that's as good a word as any." She smiles slightly.
"Willow..." I begin, unable to put into words what has become of my best friend, Tara's lover. Tears begin rolling down my face.
"I know, Buffy. That's why I'm here. My soul can't rest, and it's because of her. She's turned to evil because of me, and I have to put a stop to that. Somehow."
"She won't listen to anyone, Tara. Not me, not Dawn... I think the Willow we knew is gone. She's a killer now. I don't think I can stop her!" I sink sideways onto my bed, weeping uncontrollably for my lost friends. And for my sister who loved them as parents. Tara sits beside me to offer comfort, but she can't touch me.
Her tears spill but they pass right through me. She shakes her head. "She's not gone. Or I wouldn't be here. Buffy, Willow is in the hospital. She tried to kill herself. I'm going to go to her. Do what I can. You should too... just be careful. I don't know how to make her herself again."
I stare at the ghost in shock. "Is she going to be all right?"
"I hope so. Or I'll never find my rest. I need that, Buffy... you have no idea" She starts crying again, and I want to put an arm around her but I know I can't. "I don't even want to be alive... I've left this world... I just want to move on to whatever comes next. And wait there for my Willow. I know we'll be together again one day."
My heart breaks for Tara. I know what Heaven is like. She deserves to be there. But even more, she deserves to be alive, wrapped in Willow's love.
"Buffy... I don't know how much time I have. Should I... should I see Dawnie?"
Dawn hasn't spoken since Tara died. She hardly eats. She doesn't even cry anymore. "Yes. I think you should. I think she needs to say goodbye."
Willow. Tara. Willow. Tara. Willow. Tara. Willow. Tara.
I love you guys! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Buffy's going to have to kill Willow. I just know it. And then she'll be with me and Tara. In Heaven.
I took every pill in the bathroom. Then I put the bottles back. Nobody can know until it's too late.
"Dawnie..."
I smile at her. "I'm here, Tara. Willow is coming soon."
"Dawnie, I don't know how much time I have here, but I want you to know I will always love you. And I will always love Willow. I am so sorry to leave you."
"It's OK, Tara. It's better this way. Being alive sucks."
Her eyes fall on the note by my bed: "I'm sorry, Buffy. It's not your fault. I'm going to be with Mom and Tara now. If you have to stop Willow, it's OK. We will take care of her. I love you. Dawn."
"Dawn? What did you do?!"
I tell her, and she vanishes with a flicker.
"Tara? Tara!? Come back! Tara! Willow! I love you guys!"
The door bursts open and Buffy picks me up. Without a word, she races down the stairs with me.
Buffy kisses Dawn's forehead, and then Willow's. We're waiting to see who wakes up first. If it's Willow, I've got to get to her before she does anything crazy. She could hurt herself or someone else in the blink of an eye. She's as evil and powerful as ever. Even unconscious and bandaged, her black hair frames a face twisted in pain.
Dawn's eyes flutter open first, pale and woozy. Buffy breaks down in tears hugging her sister. "Dawn! Oh, Dawn!"
"Buffy... Tara..." She looks around. "Willow!" She stares at me. "What's happening? Are you back? Tara?" Her voice rises into a squeal of anguish as her eyes fall on my chest and the gaping hole.
"No. I'm a ghost, Dawnie. I'm here to save Willow and then I'm going someplace else. But you can't come with me. Buffy and Willow need you."
I notice Willow begin to stir. I don't know what to do for her.
I guess all I can do is love her.
Tara is kissing me. Her hand is on my breast, over my heart which shouldn't be beating anymore. Even with my eyes closed I know her touch. Baby. Baby, I love you.
On instinct I send a surge of energy through my veins, especially to the stinging pain in my arms. And I am healed.
I open my eyes. Tara isn't here. I'm licking my own lips. My fingers are on my left breast.
But she is here...
I feel her inside me. I feel her love. Tara!
The feeling passes and suddenly she's standing by the bed... a hospital bed... "Tara! You're hurt!"
"No, Willow. I'm gone." I reach for her hand but my fingers pass through her. She's gone.
"I'm meant to be somewhere else Willow, but I can't leave you. Not like this." She looks at the black hair draped over my pillow.
"Tara, I need you! I can't live without you!"
"You have to live, Willow. I can't live anymore. But you can. Live for me, Willow. Live for both of us. Stop and remember who you are, and be yourself. You're not evil. Put your powers away. Be happy again one day."
"I'll never be happy... I love you, Tara..." I break into sobs that shake my entire body.
"I love you too, Willow," she cries, ghostly tears merging with the blood on her shirt. "Wherever or whatever I am, I will always love you. You make me complete."
I notice Buffy nearby, and Dawn in the next bad, watching us with wide eyes.
"Now let go, Willow. Feel my love and let the magic go."
Dawn is sick. I rise and go to her, putting my hands on her chest.
"No, Willow," Tara says sadly, "No more magic. Dawn will be fine. You have to stop now. Not just for me. For yourself."
"Willow," whispers Dawn, her voice breaking, "Stay with us. Don't do any more magic."
I turn to my dear, sweet Tara. "You're here just because of me."
She starts to cry even harder. "Yes, I think so. I can't let you become evil. You're too good, and... I love you!"
"If I turn back now, you'll be gone again!" I should let her spirit go. She should be in Heaven... but I'm not sure I can let her go.
"Yes, Willow. I'm here because I need to be... but I'm not of this Earth. I want to be with you so much! But even more than that, I want you to be good. The way you're meant to be."
She flickers and disappears.... and then she's inside me again. I feel her will on my body, and I let her move me. I watch my own hand rise to stroke my hair, my tear-dampened cheek. Once again, I know Tara's touch. Once again, I am loved.
And I let go. Because she's right. This isn't who I am.
The hair she's stroking turns from black to red at her touch, and I am filled with loss. But also peace.
Willow keeps reaching for my hand out of habit, but there's nothing to grab. I walk with her–inside her sometimes–and we share the unbearable pain in our hearts. Our souls are bound together so completely that I can see inside her. I can tell the black magic is gone from her. Eventually we're back home, back in the room we shared for so long... and then shared again for one final, beautiful, passionate night.
"Willow, I don't think I'll be here much longer. I've done what needed to be done. Will you... will you make love to me? One last time?"
"How?" she asks, her voice hoarse with crying.
I let my apparition fade and slip into her body. I don't try to take control, I just relax in her warmth and love. "Touch me, Willow."
She puts her hand on her face and caresses me. Down my neck... her neck. Unbuttoning her dress. Teasing me with her fingertips. And then removing the dress entirely. I move her head to look in the mirror at her naked beauty. She slips her fingers through her lovely red curls and touches me in the place that brings us closest of all. She teases me to the edge and then holds back. I gasp, then cry out her name, and my own voice emerges from her mouth. Eventually, she brings me across the line to ecstasy, and we feel it flow though us both.
I lie back on the bed and we catch our breath. Two souls in one body. Then it's her turn. I take control of her mouth, and kiss her from within. My tongue circling her lips. My hand touching her, yet I feel it too. And very slowly, very gently, I bring her to the same peak she brought me. It's the most wonderful moment we've ever shared.
We cry.
I leave her flesh and curl up on the bed beside her. We almost touch, but that would spoil the illusion.
She doesn't want to sleep away our last moments together, but she is drained from the magic she had built up within her. Her eyes keep flickering shut.
"It's OK, Willow. Sleep. Sleep and wake up and live your life. We'll be together one day."
"I love you," she whispers. "Always."
"I know. And I love you." My tears may not be physical, but they hurt just the same.
As she drifts into sleep, I feel myself slipping away as well.
I awaken slowly, painful memory returning. My heart destroyed as utterly as hers. A loss I cannot bear, even though I promised I would.
"Tara," I mutter softly. "Darling..."
But she's gone, and I have to face being alive. I have to face waking up like this, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.
I wander out into the hall and knock on Dawn's door. Nobody there. It's almost eleven AM. Buffy's door.
"Come in."
I sit down on the bed beside my truest friend and cry onto her shoulder. She cries onto mine. "She was wonderful, Willow. None of us will ever forget her."
"Is Dawn OK?" I sniffle.
"She will be eventually. I spent some time with her. She's crying again at least."
"She's not in her room."
"She must be downstairs."
I go downstairs to find her playing cards.
With Tara!?
"Tara!" I cry. They look up, both smiling, and I rush over to my lover, almost throwing my arms around her. But I hesitate.
She shakes her head. "Not gonna work. Here..." she vanishes and I feel her in me. Our souls merge in love for a moment. And then she's back on the couch. "Good morning, darling!"
"You're still here!"
"I woke up early. Watched you sleep. But eventually I came downstairs. You know you still blow bubbles in your sleep?"
Dawn makes a face. "Gross!"
"I think it's cute!" laughs Tara. She stands close. Not being able to hug her is torture. But knowing she can share my body in an instant makes up for a lot.
"I thought you were gone..." I say, not knowing what to think. Not daring to hope.
"I thought I'd be moving on too, once you let go of the magic. But it looks like you're stuck with me! This is where I belong. It's not the time for my soul to move on. I can't leave you." She smiles tearfully.
"Why?" I ask, tears of joy welling up.
"Because I love you too much."
~ Continue to Part Two ~
If you enjoyed this story, try Nowhere Far Enough. What if Willow used black magic to force Tara to come back to her after their breakup? Willow/Tara fans may also enjoy Witch's Faith. This is my most complex Willow/Tara plot: a Faith/Willow/Tara love triangle. Willow/Tara subplots also figure into CV (Faith/Buffy) and my Dawn series that begins with I Have Never Been to Boston.
From Willow and Tara's first conversation, in "Hush:"
Willow: "I'm nothing special."
Tara: "Oh, but you are!"From their final conversation, in "Seeing Red:"
Willow: "Hey... clothes!"
Tara: "Better not get used to 'em."
Willow: "Oooh... yes, ma'am!"Willow's clothes were ruined by her soulmate's life blood shortly afterward.
Living Without Tara is a community offering support to fans of Willow's eternal soulmate. Quotes, photos, and mutual discussion. Willow/Tara Happy Endings: I'd like to start a collection here of links to happy endings for Willow and Tara. Send them on over!
I would be grateful if you would give me your comments and rate my stories in my Guestbook, or email me. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know.)
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