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illustrationillustrationCV-5

Another follow-up to CV-1.

 

 

I am going to scream. Actually scream.

Buffy's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and the best. Worst 'cause being locked away from the world already brought me close to killing myself some days.... and being locked away from her is ten times worse. Best 'cause I want something more than I've ever wanted anything in my whole life. And I have it. Buffy's love. Buffy loves me. Buffy loves me. I can get through a hell of a lot on those three words.

Thank God she said it first. It would have been months, maybe years before I got around to saying it myself. Before I let myself think it even. But I would have sooner or later. And then if she had said it back, I'm not sure I'd ever have believed her. Not deep down. But she said it first. She took the gamble. She meant it. It took me days to convince myself she really meant it. And surprise, surprise... so did I! Why did I think I had to be straight? I was so sure, but I can't think of a single reason.

If I could be out of prison, but not have Buffy, I'd choose to stay locked up. For years. Forever. Not an option anyway. I've served two and a half years of an eight-to-fifteen sentence. Parole in eight? Maybe so. I'll be in my twenties or thirties when I get out... doesn't even seem real. May as well be in here for life. Buffy said she'd be locked up with me if she could. I believe her.

And now, after a month and a half, my first actual lover is going to walk through that door to be with me.

Probably.

She's only ten minutes late. No big deal.

I am going to scream!

Things are going to be different this time. Last time was like a weird dream. I wasn't in control. I didn't know how to act or what to do, or even what to think about it all. It was the worst sex I have ever had, and Buffy got even less out of it. It's a memory I'll always treasure.

But this time, Buffy is going to get the Faith Experience. No hesitation, no confusion. After weeks of mushy love notes and gazing into her eyes through bulletproof glass, the time has come for passion.

You better believe I have some stored up!

Crunching gravel outside. Oh, Buffy, even I don't know what's in store for you tonight, but it's gonna be pretty damn good!

The footsteps go away again. Nobody at the door. Come on! Where is she?!

Tingling in my calf muscles. It's familiar, but when did I feel it before?

Holy shit. That's what I feel when I'm going into battle. That's how worked up I am. I need to slay vampires or have sex, preferably both. But not in that order.

More steps on gravel. Not going to pay too much attention this time. One of the guards is just pacing around probably.

The lock! The latch! She's coming in!

"Buffy!" There is no oxygen in my lungs. I am pure electricity, coiled to spring on my lover–or into battle with an evil monster.

It's neither.

"Ms. Summers had a family emergency," the guy tells me. "You can stay out here if you want, or you can go back inside."

My throat is too dry to speak. That's lucky, or this is when the scream would come out. "Family emergency" means Slayer stuff. She's canceled some mini-visits before, but never a CV!

This guard isn't a bad guy. He can tell I'm freaking out. "She should be here in two or three hours. It's up to you."

She's coming.

"I'll wait here."

Two or three hours. That's about midnight! Damn it!

 


 

I try practicing kicks and blocks to let off some steam. Useless. If she ever comes, she'll find I've gone stark raving mad.

The hands of the clock don't even move. Feels like I've been lying here for years, but it's only been four hours. Not two. Not three. Four. It's one AM. In eight hours, if she shows up, she'll have to leave again. For two more months, maybe longer. It's not fair!

I am frozen. A statue of ice. In a trance of rage and lust and the instinct to slay. I am a human bomb. If I did scream like I need to, I'm not even sure I'd hear it.

I sure didn't hear the door open. I don't know who's there, since I never turned the light on when night fell.

"Faith? Where are you?" The light comes on and Buffy is here! Her clothes are torn and bloody, but I don't think it's her blood. She's gorgeous. "I'm so sorry I'm late, there were vampires at... well, there were vampires." I stare at her for a long time before I snap out of it. Breathe.

"Buffy!"

The smile I dream about. "Don't I get a hug?" She steps over to the bed. I'm tucked under the blanket.

It occurs to me that she's come straight here after slaying. She'd be horny even she hadn't gone months with no sex. And the smell of vampire dust on her clothes is driving me wild myself. "Why don't you come get one, B?"

She pulls the blanket away and gasps. I'm naked. Her eyes are wide with hunger for me. And that's just how I like it. I take her hand–we're both trembling–and pull her to me for a kiss she won't soon forget.

But before our lips even touch there's pounding at the door, and she turns toward the sound.

"Ms. Summers? There's another emergency with your family. Your sister says you need to come home. Hit the buzzer when you're ready to come out."

"No..." she whispers. I am speechless. Months of waiting, and now nothing. "Oh, Faith...."

"Go, Buffy," I croak.

But she's going to get that kiss first. I pull her to me and take her tongue into my mouth.

Some time later, we separate, gasping for breath. My arousal is plain to see, and her scent betrays her own. I guess that was just a kiss but it was better than any sex I've ever had.

Without a word, she's gone. Soon she'll be risking her life fighting God knows what.

Now I'm screaming.

 


 

No word from her for days. She could be dead. I'm hardly eating.

I'm always afraid for her when night falls and I know she's out patrolling. Slayers don't live long, unless maybe they're locked up in prison.

I wish I could help her. If I was with her I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. As it is, I can't even know if she's OK or not. If something happened to her, I wouldn't even know it until Willow or Xander thought to write to me, or schedule a visit to tell me to my face. Or maybe the prison would take a call for me for something like that. I'm not sure. But if Buffy... died... then Willow and Xander might very well be dead, too. Would I ever know what had happened, or would I just rot here year after year, wondering where my Buffy went? Like I'm wondering now!

I guess someone would probably survive, and eventually they'd contact me. Maybe Anya or Tara, or even Spike. The Key wouldn't contact me, that's for sure. Dawn's the one I fear the most. She's right there in Buffy's house, every night, and everyone trusts her. I bet she can take any shape she wants, and who knows what other powers she has. The scariest thing is, I have no clue what her true intentions are. No–scratch that. The scariest thing is that the act is so perfect. I can see how Buffy could be taken in, thinking Dawn really loves her. I catch myself giving her the benefit of the doubt occasionally, and that's not good. If I'm the last person who knows Dawn is a potential threat, then that's a responsibility I take seriously.

She could have killed Buffy already. It was her that called the prison, wasn't it? Or maybe not. Willow could have pretended to be family just to get a message through. No way to know. I hope Buffy's OK! I hope they're all OK.

Of course, mail takes days to get here, so she could have written the next morning that all is well. She knows I worry if she doesn't at least write a few lines every couple days. If I don't hear from her today, I'll be really worried.

The line moves forward and I approach the mail station, praying for a note.

A postcard from Buffy. She's alive. Or at least, she was three days ago. Big trouble in Sunnydale, but all taken care of now. That's my Buffy! My legs are weak. I'm so scared for her. I wish she wasn't the Slayer!

Hell, she's not the Slayer. I am. She was the Slayer before Kendra. Now she's just a Slayer. If I wasn't in here, she could give it up. She's died once–no twice–already, and now it's my burden. She should be safe and I should do the patrolling. But I'm in here. And she'd never give it up anyway.

I can't help comparing Buffy to Mom. Buffy loves me, cares what happens to me. She's happy to be around me. She can tell what I'm feeling and doesn't make me hide it. She trusts me and I trust her. She will always be there for me no matter what. She even remembers my birthday!

All completely unlike Mom. I told Buffy all that in my letter, the one that said I loved her too. I can tell Buffy doesn't want to replace my mother, but she pretty much has. I guess Buffy has enough of that pressure, since she thinks she has to be Dawn's mom. And Buffy herself doesn't have a mom anymore. I wish I could have Buffy's mom myself. But just having Buffy makes up for a lot.

I don't miss having a father, 'cause I never had one in the first place. But all my life I wanted Mom to notice me, care about me, be proud of me. Not hate me just for being in her life.

But she did hate me, and if she's alive, she always will. She doesn't even know I'm in prison. She doesn't even know I'm the Slayer, although I tried to tell her. She just slapped me for spewing nonsense and making her head ache. I could have hit back. Really hit back. I was Faith the Vampire Slayer and I loved my new powers. But instead I ran and hid in my room, just like when I was Faith the Nobody.

I hate her, too, and I don't want to. I just want to forget her. Put her out of my mind and my life and never go back. Close the wound. That's why I don't like to use my last name, or even tell people what it is. I don't want my Mom's name attached to mine. I'd rather just be Faith.

Now that I have Buffy, I feel like maybe I can finally forget my Mom. I don't think of Buffy as my mom, or my girlfriend, or even as my best friend. She's bigger than all of that. She's Buffy. Our relationship began through the prison glass, and that's where it has been for weeks and weeks. But even so, it has grown so fast it's scary. So fast it makes me wonder what will happen to our relationship in a year, five years, ten.... I'm afraid it will just burn itself up and be gone.

I care more about her than I care about myself. That's a new one for me.

I miss you, Buffy!

 


 

A week since our one-minute CV, and she hasn't been able to come see me until today. I'll believe it when I see her sitting in that seat. I'm not getting my hopes up ever again. She's not late yet, anyway.

Eight to eight-twenty AM. That's the only time we could get without waiting for another day. So after a late night patrolling, she had to get up early to drive here.

Assuming she survived patrolling. Oh, God, I can't deal with this.

She's alive! She's here! She's exhausted. She's beautiful! How many more weeks before I can kiss her again? Hold her in my arms so tight that nothing can hurt her? Another two months!

I masturbated all night, practically, after she left last week. At first I couldn't come at all, and then when I could, it brought no relief. I wanted her as bad as ever. I'm not used to having my heart getting involved where sex is concerned. It's a powerful combination and I'm completely at its mercy.

Eventually I gave up and turned on the light to write her a letter. A very explicit letter. I'm sure some of my suggestions weren't practical–I have never made love to a woman–but it's the thought that counts. Nothing explicit in her reply, but I do believe she enjoyed my letter plenty.

Buffy says she's just filled out her CV form. I filled mine out the day after last time. She quietly whispers through the phone that she's been bugging Willow for some intimate advice. Considering where her fingers have been, she really has no reason to be blushing like that! I guess talking about it is harder than doing it. Well, better that than the other way around!

But Willow was too shy to be much help. So Buffy went to someone even more shy. Willow's ex, Tara. Tara sounds like she has a big heart. She was really embarrassed about it, but she answered everything Buffy asked. And Buffy's been secretly paying Willow and Tara back for helping her out: she's trying to get them back together. She thinks they both want it and they're both afraid to say it. I hope it works out for them. It sounds like Dawn is trying to get them back together, too. Maybe she just has something planned that needs their combined power. But it almost sounds like she just... cares. Sometimes.

Buffy says she just can't picture Willow doing the things Tara told her about. Well, whatever Tara told her, I plan to let Buffy experience it first hand ASAP. Which unfortunately means two months.

Time's up! She'll bring Willow and Xander by next Friday. Sounds like they all had one hell of a battle, and they can tell me all about it. Wish I could have been there.

As I'm being led back to my cell, I hear her screaming my name from far away through the halls. I try to stop and hear what she's saying but the guards jerk me forward and it's no use.

I do my work on the assembly line, eat my brown slop, and do my afternoon exercises. What was Buffy yelling about? I'll never know until a letter can reach me!

When I get back to my cell, there's a yellow card in the little cage by the door. My heart leaps: I know it's the date for our next CV.

Two days.

Two days? It can't be!

But it is. They counted last week's CV as canceled due to emergency, so we got the next open slot!

Oh, Buffy. You are going to be in for it.

You have no idea.

 


 

She's early for once!

They locked me in here a half hour before nine, like always. Only this time I won't be waiting alone until she gets here. Somehow they let her through early. And I don't feel quite prepared yet.

She's not dressed for slaying this time. Short skirt and low-cut jacket. "Wow, Buffy... you look good enough to... You look good."

"You're not looking so bad yourself. Decided against the naked thing this time?"

"Didn't want to jinx us, B. But that's easily achieved." I demonstrate. She drifts towards me, speechless.

She kisses me tenderly and I respond with equal restraint. Her hands on my naked back gradually drift lower while mine on her waist creep up.

I am about ready to lose all control, but she's just slowly kissing my neck, so I hold back. One hand on her breasts, inside the jacket but outside the shirt.

Her hands caress my sides and she kisses lower. Her breathing is uneven, and I think she's just as worked up as I am.

"Buffy," I gasp, "are you taking it slow for my sake?"

"I guess so," she mutters between kisses on my upper chest.

"Stop it... it's killing me..."

She straightens up, looks me in the eye, and gives in to her lust. Her hands are all over me during an incredible kiss, and I grind myself against her hip.

Somehow she ends up pressed face-first to the wall with her hands on the metal beside her and her skirt and underwear around her ankles. I press my body close behind hers and reach between her legs from behind with my left hand while my right hand rests on hers. We continue to kiss with her head turned sideways to me. But soon she's unable to kiss, and I end up licking at her face as she grimaces from the full force of my love beginning to blossom within her flesh.

I pay attention to her needs, so that I don't meet them too quickly.

With a sharp cry, she convulses, inside and out. I support her weight as her legs buckle.

"Ah... I... ohh..." she is dazed, unable to speak and staring at me in astonishment. I lead her to the bed, smiling proudly. She's the only woman I've ever touched, and it's nice to know I have some talent.

There's not much to say that my fingers haven't already made clear, but I want to say the words. "I love you."

"Oh... I love you... too... Faith." She's catching her breath gradually.

I help her out of her shoes and top, and we cuddle. Then she begins licking my neck.

"Have you been reading my letter, again B?"

"Faith," she says between licks, working lower, "I don't think most of the things in your letter are physically possible." It's true, I was letting my imagination run away a little when I wrote that last one. "But yes, I have read it many times. It was very... inspiring."

She's worked her way down to my belly and I lift my legs back, relishing how vulnerable and exposed I am. Her face is close to somewhere it has never been before, and I hold my breath in anticipation. But all I feel from her is her breath.

"I don't think I'm quite ready for... that... yet," she says. "You're beautiful, and I want to... but I think I'd like to try it another time."

I am disappointed, but using my mouth on her in the same way would freak me out, too. "Sure, B. We'll get to that another time."

Instead, she does something with one finger, so gently I can barely feel it.

But it becomes wonderful.

 


 

For the second time in my life I've woken up nude in Buffy's arms. Me, who can't stand sleeping with someone else in the room, much less the same bed.

I'm on my back and she's straddling my thighs with her head on my chest. She's almost totally under the blanket but I can see the tangled top of her head. I feel her hot breath over my heart. I place my hand on her head, outside the covers, and hold very still, watching her sleep.

Eventually she begins to nuzzle me, and I'm not sure she's really awake until she finds my nipple. We begin to make love very slowly, a nice change from last night's frenzy.

Eventually, we climax together–for the first time ever–gazing into each other's eyes.

We roll apart and hold each other's shoulders lovingly. We talk a little about things Buffy thinks we'll do, places we'll go, when I'm free. She always insists on talking about the distant future. That's deeply painful to me, making it harder to live through the here and now. It makes me feel hope for a time that's too far off to even consider. But it's important to her, so I usually go along.

Eventually we just end up staring at each other and smiling contentedly. A long time passes with no need for words.

"Faith, there's something I was thinking..." Buffy says after a while, becoming all timid and nervous.

"What is it?"

"I'm not really ready to talk about it I guess."

"OK." I give her a squeeze, but secretly I'm worried. I think she doubts our future just like I do. If so, I'm not ready to talk either. It's too soon to talk about the end yet. This is still the beginning.

"But I think I better tell you. I'm afraid I'll just have to let it out before our next CV, and I don't want to talk about this through the glass."

Oh, Buffy. Please, don't do this yet. Let me believe this is forever. Just for now. "OK, What's up, B?"

"Faith, I was hoping... I mean..." she's twisting the corner of her pillow and avoiding my eyes. "Well, we've known each other for years... sort of... and we know each other now... and I like knowing you... and you... what I'm trying to say... I want... um, Faith... will you marry me?"

I slump against the wall in shock. "What?" Did I just hear that?

Her voice is even tinier the second time, but she said what I thought: "I want... I want you to marry me, Faith."

I just blink and stare. I feel sick and I probably look it, but Buffy's not looking at my face anyway. This is way too weird. Can't think. Can't breathe. Can't marry her, that's for sure.

"Buffy," I say hoarsely, "that's a sweet thing to say... but we can't get married."

"Yeah, we can. If you want to, I mean."

"Buffy... do you know what you're saying?" She can't be serious. I guess she's one of those girls who is into marriage... but even so, it's not the kind of thing she'd say if she really thought about it.

Finally she looks up at me. "Yes, I do know what I'm saying, Faith. I'm saying I want to be with you forever. I'm saying I'll stick with you through prison, for six years or sixty, and then one day I'll take you home. I'm saying I want to wake up every morning and look into your eyes for real instead of in my mind. I'm saying I want to know you're safe and happy, every day. And if you're not, I want to fix it. I'm saying I want to live through the worst of life and the best, with you beside me. I want to care for you when you're sick. I want to laugh with you, cry with you, make love to you. I'm saying that if I'm lucky enough to grow old, I want to do it with you. I'm saying I'll be alone forever if I can't be with you. I'm saying I love you more every day and I always will. That's what I'm saying."

My breath catches in my throat. I don't deserve half of those beautiful words, but she means them. And I know why she wants this. She knows I'm afraid she won't wait for me to get out of prison. This is the only way she knows how to promise that she will wait. But it's not something she can promise, no matter how much she wants to right now.

I stroke her hair and wipe a tear out of the corner of her eye with my thumb. I let my own tears flow. "Buffy, that means so much to me, you have no idea. I think you know I feel very strongly about you too. But getting engaged isn't going to help anything."

"What do you mean?" I can tell she wanted a "yes," and hugs all around. She's crushed. Poor Buffy! How can I make this easier?

"Buffy, if you and I are going to end up apart... if we're not going to make it until I'm free... then being engaged won't change that. It will just get my hopes higher and make the end hurt worse when you find someone else." She's getting mad, and I don't want that. "I'm not saying that will happen, Buffy, but it could, whether we're engaged or not."

"No, it couldn't! I am not going to find someone else!" I envy her. She's able to convince herself of that.

"I know, Buffy, I really know how much you love me. But with me in here, we don't have much of a future ahead of us. Can you honestly say for sure that five years from today there's no chance you'll have someone else in your life? Someone you love, who you can actually be with? Can you even say you've given up on Angel totally? You said yourself that Dawn has been all over you about making things work with Angel."

"I will never turn my back on Angel. We were more than friends once, and we always will be. He's one of the people I love most in the world. But I have never felt for anyone what I feel about you. So yes, Faith, I am sure there won't be someone else!"

But she said things like that about Angel once. That was "forever," too. I almost say it out loud, but I hold my tongue.

"I know why you want to believe that, Buffy. I want to believe it, too. But that won't make things work out how we think. Promising to marry me some day won't make it actually happen."

She's furious. Oh, God. She meant to do something nice and instead we're having our first fight. I don't want this visit to end like this. And I really don't want our friendship to end like this. I couldn't live through that.

"That's not what I meant, Faith!"

"What?"

"I wasn't going to promise to get married. I'm ready to promise a lot more than that."

"More?"

"I'm ready to marry you now. Before you get out."

Wow. I'm speechless again. She really thinks we'll last until I'm free. I want to think that, too. But this doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I wouldn't be doing either of us a favor to pretend this is a good idea.

"Buffy, I don't think you can marry me while I'm in prison."

"Yes, I can. I asked."

OK. There's no way I can make this easy for her. But it's best for both of us in the end. I just have to turn her down.

"Buffy, the answer still has to be no. It means a lot to me that you asked. But I'm so far from being ready to think about something like that... Maybe, after I'm free, if you still want me, I'll be able to think about something like that."

Her jaw clenches and her eyes water.

"Buffy, marriage just doesn't mean that much to me. I know some women are into that, and that's fine, but it's never been something I planned on. If I was ever going to be anyone's wife, I'd be honored to be yours. I do want to be with you when I'm out of here. You know that. Just not that way. And I can't set myself up to believe we'll be together when we just don't know what will happen! Marrying me could be the worst mistake of your life if you meet someone new next year. You'd end up regretting it and so would I." I'm starting to cry pretty hard now. "And, Buffy, Slayers don't live very long. I'm so scared that you won't be around when I get out of here! I want whatever time we can have, and I don't want to think about the future! If you think that's silly, you try spending fifteen years in jail!"

"I guess I shouldn't have said anything." She's hurt. Worse than that. She's mad. Really mad. Because I won't believe her that nothing will come between us. Well, she's just put a lot of pressure on me, too! I think my feelings make as much sense as hers, and she should respect them.

"Buffy, is that how this works? You pop the question, and if you don't like the answer you get mad at me?"

"No, I get mad at you because you don't take my feelings for you seriously! You think I haven't thought this through! And you don't believe me when I say there won't be anyone else!"

"I'm sorry, Buffy, life is not a fairy tale! I hope things work out, even if I'm in here for the full fifteen years, but if you're asking me to be sure they will... well, no, I'm just not! You and I both should know better than to be sure that something good will last." Now I'm starting to get pretty mad myself. I guess I was just supposed to go along with this on her terms, no matter how I felt about it myself.

"Faith, I'm not trying to predict the future, I'm trying to build the future. With you! If you can't see that, then I guess you're right, marriage doesn't mean much for you."

"Buffy! You want me–and that's great, really–but you also want this ideal of marriage that I can't buy into. Do you still want me, if you can't have both? Because if what you really want is me.... then getting married is not what's important!"

"You think I'm just trying to squeeze you into some childish wedding fantasy? I'm trying to make a promise that I think you need as much as I do!" She jumps out of bed and starts getting dressed.

"That's right, Buffy, I need it! But no piece of paper is going to be that promise! I can't have that promise! All I can have is every day with you that I can get, and if that somehow turns to forever, it's more than I deserve. But you're asking me to give up being prepared to lose you. I can't do that Buffy! I can't believe it will all work out, just because I want it to. I can't kid myself." I get dressed myself.

"Well, I withdraw my proposal! Sorry to be so silly and thoughtless!"

There's a knock at the door. I can't believe we fought all morning, and now it's over!

"Buffy! Please, can't things just stay like they are?"

She's too pissed to speak. She reached out to me with all her heart and I slapped her back. But I'm right. And she should know that it doesn't mean I don't care.

Louder knocking.

"Buffy, please, don't leave this way!" I try to hug her, and she lets me, but it's forced. She still has nothing to say to me. I've really hurt her. I start to cry again.

The door opens.

"Buffy, will you come back? Buffy?" She steps out without looking back. I call out as I'm being led away. "I love you, Buffy, please, say you'll come back! Maybe I'll marry you! Let me think about it! Come back next week and we can talk about it some more!" I'm crying so hard I can hardly breathe.

And she's gone.

I can't work today. I tell them I'm sick, and I just stay in my cell and cry. We didn't eat much dinner last night, and no breakfast at all, but I skip lunch anyway. I may have lost Buffy forever. Lost her because I was afraid of losing her. I think of the wonderful things she said to me when she proposed, and I know I won't give her up easily. I want to run to her house and pound on the door. But there's nothing I can do except write to her.

In the afternoon, while I'm trying to decide what to say when I write, a blue card is dropped into the cage by my door. That's not for a CV. Those are yellow or white. Blue is for a regular short visit.

She's canceled next Friday's visit. She was going to come by with Willow and Xander. Canceled.

Wait... she's rescheduled for Tuesday. Three days from now. I check the box to accept, and put the card back in the cage.

We've hurt each other, something we both promised never to do, but it's not all over between us. Not yet.

I still can't stop crying. Maybe Tuesday it will all be over.

I skip dinner, too.

 

Continued with "CV-6"

 

 

I would be grateful if you would give me your comments and rate my stories in my Guestbook, or email me. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know. Further "CV-1" sequels are planned.

FAQ: The details of the conjugal visit thing are completely imaginary, not from experience, and may be quite inaccurate. I have never actually had a conjugal visit with a Vampire Slayer. I would, however, certainly consider it. Incarcerated Slayers may inquire here.

If you enjoyed this story, try Witch's Faith. Feeling rejected by Tara and Buffy, Willow finds herself helping Faith get out of prison–and falling in love. When the dark Slayer's plots turn deadly, Willow must betray someone she loves. But who will she choose?

Willow felt very exposed. "Thanks for leaving me my socks." Everything else she had been wearing was now in shreds scattered to the four walls. Faith's passion had been downright scary at times. There had been no question who was the natural predator and who was the willing prey.

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