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A stealthy shadow lurks around the corner. I lower my voice further. "Nothing yet?"

"Not a word, B! No news is good news." I can hear her barely-concealed desperation over the phone. Can she hear mine?

"So we're still on for tomorrow? Thank God!"

"Wouldn't miss it, B! Gotta love that slow prison bureaucracy." For a month her lawyer's been scheduling hearings and filing briefs... trying to get her reclassified as a juvenile offender. It sounds like her lawyer can probably pull it off, too. But we've had our fingers crossed that we'll get this one last CV before the decision is made. Sitting across a table holding hands is all we'll have if that happens.

"You know what's coming, don't you, darling?" I murmur in my most seductive tones. "First, I'm going to give you a hug good enough to last us ten years." Could be longer than that, even... but probably less if she gets reclassified.

"That's some hug, B." Her voice is wistful.

"It will be. And then I'm gonna give you a kiss to last ten years, too." I try to sound lighthearted, but I know this last–maybe–CV has become just as important to her as it has to me. Almost too important to think about. I half expect that the pressure will dry us right up and we won't even be able to orgasm when we try to make love for the last time.

"And then," I continue–but the shadow in the hall catches my eye again. "Hold, on Faith, Dawn's snooping again!" The shadow vanishes and I hear soft footsteps disappearing upstairs. She's crazy about Faith, about the pair of us–just like she is with Willow and Tara. Not a day goes by that she doesn't dream up some new and impossible way to get Faith out early. But sometimes I need a little privacy! Once I'm sure she's gone, I continue with the R-rated portion of my plans for tomorrow night.

Silence on the other end. Sound of swallowing. Yeah, I've gotten to her! "Oh my God, Buffy..." she says slowly, "Does your sister know you talk like that?!"

"Me? Oh, please! Shall I read from your last letter?"

"Sure," she says mischievously, "maybe a little!"

 

---

 

She said I didn't have to come for the daytime visit, since we've got our CV tonight anyway. I'll only end up waiting around for half a day until then. But I already asked for the day off work, and I want every minute I can get with her. No matter how many times I make the eight-hour round trip to see her, it's still worth it every time.

I enter the room and my heart leaps... You'd think I'd get used to not having glass between us, but I don't. I want to squeal and jump across the table! But I have to settle for a little of the squealing... jumping on her is strictly not allowed! Time for that tonight. I take my seat across from her and clasp both of her hands. Something's different about her today. Somehow she looks more beautiful then ever, if that's possible. Her big dark eyes look even deeper. Maybe just from anticipating tomorrow night? Yet she's oddly silent.

One thing I notice... she's wearing yellow instead of orange. "Hey, what's with the snazzy yellow..." my voice trails away and my silly grin goes with it. "Oh..." I say, feeling like I've had the wind kicked out of me.

She nods and forces a tight-lipped smile but doesn't answer. A tear rolls down her cheek. Her lower lip trembles just slightly.

We just stare at one another, not speaking, not moving. Our eyes slowly fill with tears.

Eventually I whisper, "I'm here, Faith. I always will be. Right here. For as long as it takes."

"I know you will, B," she replies hoarsely.

We're digging into each other's hands hard enough to draw blood.

 

---

 

We're learning the true meaning of imprisonment now. No more CVs, no more nights together, no more hugs. We didn't even get our last CV. It's actually harder to visit Faith at all now... her life is suddenly scheduled from dawn to dusk, and she can't just pick an empty time-slot on the visit board, she has to get permission to change her schedule. Same as I do at work, really. So we can't see each other on short notice anymore.

And the only person in the world with the legal right to see her without a table in between is her heartless bitch of a mother in Boston. We kid about making me Faith's guardian instead. Don't think our marriage would help with that, even if her mom would do the paperwork! The wedding's in her prison file even if the government doesn't recognize it. The ironic thing is, if the government did recognize our marriage, she'd have been automatically rejected for juvenile status. So things sorta worked out. I guess.

"Did you have your big talk with your lawyer?" I ask. "What's the deal now?" Dawn and I both lean forward on the visit table, hoping for some kind of good news.

She shrugs. "So far so good. If I keep on behaving myself it's practically a sure thing I'll get parole after eight years. Five years from now." Her voice gets quieter. "Still sounds like forever, huh? But the max is twelve years from now. As a juvy that's probably not gonna happen. Looks like I might be seeing daylight before I hit thirty after all!"

There's something so utterly depressing about those words coming from a nineteen-year-old girl. "But what about sooner, Faith? Isn't it possible to get parole even sooner than eight years now?"

Faith's face falls even further. "My lawyer's looking into every little loophole. She's good at what she does. But the thing is, to get out sooner because I'm a juvy... I'd pretty much have to go back home."

"Back... home? To Boston? To your mother? She'd never take you!"

"Exactly. And even if she would, she wouldn't impress the parole board much anyway. Plus I'd never go back East with you here. I'm better off now than that! And I know you couldn't afford to move even if the Hellmouth didn't need you."

I'm starting to panic. It looks like we gave up CVs just so she'd have a better shot at serving eight years instead of fifteen. But I need her now! I need some hope! "That can't be it, Faith! There has to be something we can do! I'll do anything Faith! I'll adopt you! I'll pay your mom to give you up! I'll..." I trail away, looking around at the flimsy bars and fencing around us.

She shakes her head. "There's nothing you can do, B. Having my lover adopt me would really not impress the parole board. And as for the other.... well, I know we like to kid about it, but think of Dawn and your friends. I dream of it every night, but that's all it is. A crazy dream." She knows I'm thinking of breaking her out. We could do it easy. Slayer strength and speed. Hide out in some new city, slaying together and sharing our love. Maybe even hide in Sunnydale. Find a nice sewer hideout. But it could never work. Would Dawn hide too? Would we have to say goodbye to our friends? Would we get caught? Would they?

"Besides, B... it's right that I'm here. I want to be with you when the law will let me, but I have to believe that being in here is right and fair. Otherwise why did I do it to myself? You don't deserve this, Buffy, but I do."

Like hell. But I won't argue about that. I won't make her regret turning herself in. That would be too cruel. And if she hadn't, would we be together? Somehow I feel like we would, like it's fate. But who knows.

"What about CVs? When is that possible again?" I'm grasping at straws, my eyes watering. Dawn's are too, but Faith has decided to be brave. She's wearing the same tough smile she had way back at the beginning, right before I told her Kakistos had come to kill her. Right before she broke down and started packing to run.

"Don't hold your breath, B. If I'm in long enough, maybe. But not as a teenager. Not a chance. And I got lucky getting a female CV partner once... twice would be a miracle! No place has more gay sex under one roof... but you'll find plenty of bigots in charge."

I can't speak. She takes my hand. Dawn puts her hand on my shoulder. And by sheer force of will I keep myself from crying. That would be too much like blaming Faith for deciding to go for the juvenile thing. I will not make her sorry for her choice.

Thank God for Dawnie. She always begs to come with me to see Faith, and she's on a mission not to let us be too sad. Not that she doesn't break down and cry herself from time to time, but I have yet to see Faith too depressed for Dawn to get a smile out of her.

After a few minutes of silence, my sister opens a paper bag, leans across, and hands Faith a bouquet of flowers. I see my wife's smile, and I figure we'll get through today. And tomorrow? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

"One of everything," says Dawn. "Nothing died off! You were so right about not using a whole ton of fertilizer! And the stuff Mom left growing is doing better too! We're good aren't we?"

"We sure are. When do I get to see it all?" Faith smiles wider. I find a smile too.

"I'm gonna take pictures again but I didn't have time yesterday. Major homework."

"Tell me about it!" Faith complains. "I thought I wouldn't have to go to school, since I got my diploma before. No such luck! They have other classes for high school graduates, and I have to take three at all times. Honestly, they treat juvenile offenders like children!"

"Well," I remark, "you two teens don't know how good you have it. Just wait until you're adults, and there's more to worry about than classes and homework!"

Faith gives me just the dirty look I was fishing for. But Dawn rolls her eyes. "You mean like slaying?" Oops. Didn't mean to open that argument again! "Faith," she says, "don't you think I'm old enough to go on patrol with Buffy sometimes?"

Faith looks at Dawn thoughtfully, then at me, then back at Dawn. "You know, Creature, I think you're tougher than you look. If you're careful, I think you might be ready for a little minor patrolling. After all, Buffy, you can't keep her out of trouble... trouble will come to her. Maybe she ought to learn to fight back."

How did I know she was going to side with my sister? Dawn looks at me triumphantly and I flash my wife a dirty look. Time to change the subject! "So, Faith, what classes did you decide on?"

Faith sighs. "Auto Repair, Building a Web Page, and Karate. At this rate," she continues, sarcastically, "I'll be able to do any job in the world by the time I get out of here. No doublemeat hell for me!"

"Karate..." I say, "you're kidding, right?"

Faith shrugs. "It'll be cake. Won't even have to try. Like I need all these classes! I'd rather train more. Or work. Make money. Don't have as much need for a lawyer now... I could actually save up, and give you some money for things. Pull my weight in this family!"

"That's sweet, Faith, but we'll get by. You don't need to be paying bills for a house you can't even be in!"

"Oh, I see, so what happened to it being my home, too?"

"Your home, yes... our bills!" I take a brochure out of my bag and hand it over. "See? Your home, your bathroom... you have to help us pick the tiles. The old ones are getting all cracked, and Xander's going to redo it for us."

Faith smiles, looking at the tile choices. Dawn and I have each circled our favorite. It's a good thing Faith has learned to look forward to the future, because that's all we have now. Not much left of the present for us.

"I like both," she decides, "I could definitely do my business staring at either one... but I think I'll have to side with your choice, Buffy. Dawn's is nice too, though. And number six is nice, did you see that?" She hands the brochure back, pointing.

Dawn seizes the moment and changes her pick. "Yes, six is pretty! I like six too."

I look back and forth between them. I wish Faith were coming home before Dawn goes away to college... but at the same time, I can see major potential for being ganged up on! Well, number six is fine, and I want whatever Faith wants. "Six it is!"

Dawn heads out to waiting area early. She always wants to make sure we have some time alone.

I rub my wife's fingers between my hands. Such lovely, talented fingers. I dream of them often. "How are you doing, honey?"

"Five by five." Forced smile.

"That bad?" Force one back. "Me too."

We sit in thoughtful silence. No tears, no smiles.

"I've been watching our wedding tapes, Buffy. I sign up to use the VCR when I can. It was so beautiful! But I just don't think I can watch it anymore. It will kill me."

"I know, baby," I say, quietly. "Dawn and the witches and I started to watch it. I had to stop it. I'm not going to watch it again. Not without you."

"We'll watch it together one day."

"Yes. We will." I sigh. "I wish... I wish you could just kiss me."

"I do, Buffy. Every time I close my eyes."

 

---

 

"OK, Faith, she's right here...." My sister hands me the phone with a worried expression. "I think something's wrong," she whispers.

"Faith? Darling? Are you all right?"

I hear her sniff like she's been crying. "Yeah."

"Five by five?"

"Pretty much.... It's just... This is so stupid."

"What? What's stupid?"

Silence.

"Faith, what is it?"

Her voice breaks when she speaks. "I'm hungry." I hear her crying.

"Hungry? What.... I don't understand..."

"I'm hungry, Buffy! Every minute of every day. It's driving me crazy!"

I'm speechless. She sounds like a lost little girl. I want to run and hold her and... and fix whatever is wrong! "Don't they give you regular meals?"

"Yeah. But now I'm a juvy there's a damn dietitian controlling everything I get. She said I was eating way too many calories and she cut back my food. I lost a little weight so she increased it. Now my weight is stable so she won't let me have any more. But I'm a Slayer! I can live on this... but I never stop feeling hungry!" She's sobbing now, and I can tell this is something she's been keeping to herself for some time. "Do you know what it's like to be hungry all the time? It's like being a little kid again, when my mom wouldn't feed me right for weeks at a time. I tell the dietitian I'm always hungry and she says it's my head! Damn it, Buffy, I'm stuck here for years and I can't take another week of this!"

She must really be hungry. That has to destroy your morale. "Oh, Faith!"

"Can you bring me food, Buffy? I don't think they pay attention to that, as long as I eat it with you and don't bring any back with me. Most people don't get as many visits as I do, so I bet they don't bother tracking whether people bring snacks."

"Of course I will! Poor darling!"

"Protein and calories. As much as you can bring. You don't know how much it would mean to me."

"I'll bring something tomorrow, I promise! It may not be great, I have a little demon thing going tonight, but I'll pick something up on the way."

"Thanks, Buffy. Sorry to make such a big deal out of it. I feel so stupid even asking. It's really been getting to me lately."

"You should have said something sooner, Faith. You don't have to hide anything from me."

"I know. I just don't want things to be harder for you than they have to be."

"I'll bring something to eat every time I come. I promise. And so will Willow and Tara. I have to go now... will you be OK?"

"I will be tomorrow, B. Thanks. Now you better get slaying. And be careful. Go out there and kill something for me!"

"I will, honey! Bye. Love you!"

"Love you back. Bye."

I hang up the phone and Dawn materializes again with questioning eyes. "Is Faith OK?"

I sigh. "She's just hungry. They're controlling her diet more now. They're feeding her like a regular person instead of a Slayer."

She thinks about this. "I'll make something for you to take! What does she like?"

"It's a school night, Dawnie. You need your sleep. I'll get something on the way there."

But my sister gives me a look, and I can tell she's not going to back down. "Well," I say, giving in, "She wants protein and lots of calories. Maybe peanut butter sandwiches? Not too many, she has to finish them during the visit."

"You go patrol, I'll take care of Faith," she says firmly. "And you'll see, I'll be just fine staying up late." I don't miss her sidelong glance. That was another little hint that I should let her come on patrol! Not gonna happen.

I hit the streets, and I slay four small but truly nasty demons, plus the usual crop of vamps. My wife would be proud.

The house is dark when I return. A big tray of peanut butter brownies is cooling on the table.

 

Continued with "CV-12"

 

I would be grateful if you would give me your comments and rate my stories in my Guestbook, or email me. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know.)

If you enjoyed this story, try I Have Never Been to Boston. Dawn sets out to say goodbye to someone she loves–but who she knows never even existed!

I miss her so bad. I need to see her again. Say goodbye. But she's not real. So here I am, to make that sink in once and for all. I have to see with my own two eyes that she never lived. That she never loved me. Because even I didn't exist.

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