"If brains were a crime you'd never do time." -Star Jones on the View

"First you do it, then the next guy does it, and before you know it, a body goes under, and there is floating carcus stuck in the filter....IT'S NOT YOUR TIME!!"-Jim Carrey as Lifeguard

"I...I just died in your arms tonight...it must have been something you saiiiiidddd....I want my money back. Yeah well we don't have it...we blew it...we blew it hard!"-Will Ferrell & Horatio Sanz as Wedding Singers

"Hi, I'm in Delaware..."-Wayne

"Chocolat was choco-gay and a choco-waste of my choco-money."-Jimmy Fallon

"F...U...C...NO!!!!"-Tim Meadows in Jingleheimer Junction

"Get off the shed! I will douse you with gasoline and light you on fire!"-Will Ferrell

"If we're gonna sing let's not half ass it guys. This may be grandma's last birthday. Is grandma gonna die? She will if you don't nail it this time."-Will Ferrell

"Dick Cheney...you are now in the Axis of Evil. He's always in a different building, or flying in a different plane...what's up with this guy?"-Will Ferrell as President Bush

"Jerry Louis answered..half of his hand..and he wagered..the other half."-Will Ferrell as Alex Trebec

"Who are you? I played a little minor league ball in the 80s. I've got rolling papers if you've got weed..."-One of the baseball players that came into Chris Kattans room

"Captain Gingersnap...why don't you return my calls? Captain Gingersnap...bossing everyone around in your captain's suit..."-Will Ferrell on Dog Show

"Not now Mr. Bojangles...maybe I'm gay and maybe I'm gay."-Will Ferrell on Dog Show

"I drive a Dodge Stratus. You can't talk to me like that!"-Will Ferrell

"Can you know the mighty ocean? Can you lasso a star from the sky? Can you say to a rainbow 'Hey, stop being a rainbow for a second?' No! Such is Mango."- Mango

"What's your favorite planet? Mines the sun. Harry the sun isn't really a planet. Hell, planet or no planet, when that baby burns up we'll all be dead."-Will Ferrell as Harry Caray

"If you were a hot dog would you eat yourself? I would. I would cover myself in ketchup and relish and wash myself down with an ice cold Budweiser."-Will Ferrell as Harry Caray

"My hero...."-Cheri Oteri on Weekend update

"Let me sleep in your bed. I promise to wash the sheets. Let the poor boy sleep in your bed. Please, don't make me wash the sheets. He's a clean boy, wash your own damn sheets! Let me move in with you,come on I've already slept in your bed."-The Herlihy Boy

"I am the beholder....parts 3 and 4 had a lot less frisbee players in them."-Goth Talk

"I had to work a double shift at Cinnobun today."-Azrael Abyss

"I think my whore is dead!"-Chris Kattan on Old French Whore

"I'm Gumby damn it!"-Eddie Murphy as Gumby

"Little kids walk around and pick up pieces of broken glass. We're just giving the kids what they want."-Ernest Mameway

"Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."-Michael Jordan

"I’ll take The Rapists for $500!" --Darrell Hammond

"...Then I heard seven tiny splashes and went, 'No!' 'No!' 'No!' 'No!' 'No!' 'No!' 'No!'"-Well Babies Tragedy

"Whom does the prime minister prefer? Tinky Winkey, Dipsy, Po, or La-La?"-Will Ferrell

"In my diet you can't eat any bread or starch products. Can we eat pizza? No pizza! So we can have cheese pizza. No you can't have bread. So then we could have some dough with cheese and sauce. That's pizza!"-Morning Latte

"Get in the cage!"-The View

"He'll cold cock ya!"-Morning Latte

"Do I look like a horse's ass to you?"- Will Ferrell

"That would be swweeeeeeeeet!"-David Spade on Geek, Dweeb, or Spaz

"His kids are the extra kind of chunky that you know they're gonna grow up fat."-Will Ferrell

"I'm so mad, I make little race cars out of my poop!"-Steve Buscemi (Mad Tea Cup Party)

"I'LL SMACK YOU IN THE MOUTH! IM NEIL DIAMOND!"-Will Ferrell

"Dick Cheney, you are now in the Axis of Evil."-President

"Yea I have all the time in the world!" "::cough::" "oh...actaully Beverly I should go, one of my patients is being a real knob job." "excuse me?" "yea, that was him. You know how it is Beverly..whats that? no, he doesn't look like that, close though. He's looking at me right now. His fat sweaty face sucking in air like a dying fish. You should see him. Between you and me, I'd like to stomp on his head until my feet are covered in brains." "ummm we can hear you!" "at least his wife has a big enough ass for a nice romp in the hay. Alright, well talk to you later Beverly. goodbye. Sorry about that I was just subscribing to some magizines." -Dr Will Ferrel with his patients

"Your baby is a witch!" "What? No! thats impossible!" "yea...sorry..I couldn't think of anything good. The truth is, we misplaced your baby." "YOU FONDRUK!" "Is that an actaul curse word?" "I..think so. When did you misplace him?" "It was right after the delivery. I went out to grab a bit to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer, went to a bo deans concert, and son of a fondruk if I didn't leave him at the concert hall. Thank god they had him the next day in the lost and found. Then I just flat out lost him!" ~ Dr Will Ferrel and his patients

"Tiger would swing these little plastic clubs around two and fro all the live long day." "My first conscience memory is my father crazy glueing these little plastic clubs to my hands. He had this crazy look in his eye and his hair was all messed up." ~ Tiger Woods and his Dad