Right now I am babysitting and watching the television, which is an EXTREEMLY rare occurrence. I have the damn noisebox. And I’m getting depressed. I’ve been feeling slightly upset with myself anyway, and there is nothing like television to fuck with your self image. For some reason, there is nothing on any channel other than VH1 and MTV. I’ve seen the Jennifer Lopez video three times in a row now, and an interview with her. All I can do now is feel bad about myself. I know my body is not as good looking as that, and its disappointing. I hate feeling disappointed in myself. Oh great, Christina Agullera just came on. She looks like a hooch, but she still has an amazing body. I at least know my standards are unrealistic, but this is the norm I hold myself against. Damn it, I don’t measure up to this standard. If Jennifer Lopez has an average body, and I am supposed to be exceptional in every way, and I can’t measure up to the AVERAGE obviously I am a shitty person. It doesn’t help that despite my accomplishments, and despite my brains, being female I am still mostly judged on how I look. Oh great, now Butterfly by Crazytown is on. I’ve been bummed lately because I’ve been living the life of Tantalus. Every time I find someone I want, I can’t have him or her, but they are just BARELY out of my reach. I see them all the time, and that just rubs salt into the wounds. I love moral, kind, intelligent, and slightly repressed men. Since moral is first on that list, in great big letters, I constantly find men who think I am beautiful, but will not do anything with me because I’m still a minor, even though I am legally above the age of consent. At the time of this writing I have 9 months to go until I turn 18. I know this is not a direct slap in my face, or a rejection of me. I still feel inadequate, like I was rejected and not my situation. Age is arbitrary anyway, its not like a few months are going to make a major difference in who I am as a person, one way or another. I can wait. Still, it’s been a lonely couple of years that “haven’t really mattered” in the long run, even though they were hard to get through. And while the other side of 18 isn’t going to be any different than this side, I can always pretend. I know I am going to have to get more comfortable with loneliness, as its not going to change, and I’ve just got to get a firmer grip on it. Oh well, I just want someone to think of me the way that Butterfly thinks of a woman. How very typical, I just want love. How typical, I am not going to get it. Damn. Well there is nothing quite like a music video to make one feel shitty and inadequate. And people wonder why I killed my t.v.
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