One of the major issues in Polyamory is the jealousy bug. Usually the first question that comes out of a persons's mouth when they hear about polyamory is “Don’t you get jealous?”. Of course poly people get jealous, and anyone who says that poly people don’t get jealous because we’re more evolved not only is full of shit, but spent too much money on EST-type training. Jealousy isn’t something that has to rule you. It’s not something you can simply decide not to feel, but it is something you can deal with. Fear and jealousy are usually emotional masks for other feelings-it’s a sign something is wrong and you need to take a closer look at what’s currently going on. Some introspection and quiet time goes a long way when it comes to dealing with jealousy, and you have to have open two-way communication with your partner to deal with it effectively.
Being polyamorous does not mean you are immune to jealousy, it just means that you deal with it.
Dealing effectively with jealousy is not easy. The only way to deal with it in a healthy manner is to communicate what's going on with your partner, and come up with a way to deal with it, if it's through support, going slower, or just listening to your partner talk about what's going on inside their hearts. It is a simple thing, but not easy to sit and listen to your partner explain why they feel jealous. It can feel like a full-out attack on you, and it is HARD work to sit there and not fight back, or try to defend yourself. Keep in mind that your partner isn't atacking you, they are trying to be heard. I deal with this by patting myself on the back for doing a good job at a hard thing, mirroring my partner’s communication, making sure I’m actively listening, and reassuring my partner it’s okay to say what they need to say. Communicating is hard work! It’s not easy to tell someone you love honestly what they are doing that hurts you. It is a lot easier to sit quietly and get more upset, seethe because they don’t love you enough to notice what’s going on. Mind-readers are in short supply on the dating market, sadly, so unless you got lucky, open and effective communication is your best bet.
There is a lot of information out there on active listening, mirroring what people are saying to make sure you really understand them, and communicating effectively. Not all of them are relationship books. I strongly recommend that you go to workshops, read some books, take some seminars, whatever you have to do to get this information. The ability to communicate effectively is one of the most useful skills a human can have.
I’ve only been in one monogamous relationship my entire life, and that one has the definate possibility of being a poly relationship. After a lifetime of introspection every time the green-eyed monster bit, I've gotten to the point where I don't feel jealous anymore. For me, jealousy was always the mask to cover feelings of insecurity. I have a pretty deep emotional need to be the best of the best. I was a gifted child, in all the advance placement classes, and I am painfully competitive. If I can’t be the best at something right away, I have no interest in it. Loosing makes me see red and work even harder. I have a hard time admitting, even to myself, that I feel insecure. Jealousy was an easy way for me to not deal with my feelings of insecurity, a way to bypass admitting to myself that I was terrified that someone I loved would leave me for someone else because I wasn’t good enough. At this point in my life I don’t dwell much on jealousy. I feel it, acknowledge it, and then dig deeper to see if I’m feeling insecure. Most the time, that takes care of the jealousy issue, although that brings up another, trickier issue. How do I effectively communicate with my partner that I am feeling insecure, and what can they do about it? Simply venting isn't effective communication, although that can help a lot sometimes. How can I deal with this in a way that is healthy, and strengthens the relationship?
I’m not a terribly high maintenance woman. I don’t demand a lot of dinners out, a lot of money spent on me, or that my significant others drop all their friends and social activities to spend more time with me. The only way that I am high-maintenance is that I need a LOT of reassurance, and when I'm not getting enough I am a lot more prone to feeling jealous and insecure and in general, I get pretty weird. I am convinced that, if given the opportunity, my significant others will forget about me, not want to be with me anymore, and after I spend however much time and energy pouring into them and taking care of them, they will leave. I have this issue, I am aware of it, and I deal with it to the best of my ability. Having issues doesn't give someone the right to trample over their partners, but it does make the love-relationship thing a bit pricklier.
Issues also show up after every disastrous relationship. I've been cheated on. The Evil Ex said, on multiple occasions, that poly meant "Do whatever you want", and no amount of logic on my part could change his mind. Partners before him had cheated on me. I noticed that I started feeling a LOT more insecure, and actively asking for reassurance, about the time that the Evil Ex started cheating on me. I never got that reassurance, but I'm pretty sure that some time, in the future, when I do get told that I'm still important to someone, they still care about me, find me attractive, think I'm smart, and want to be with me that I will have very little problem with it.
I have a bit of a possessive streak (in the same way Rush Limbaugh is a bit conservative), and whenever a partner takes of on a date or starts showing interest in another person I get a emotional shock of “HEY! That's MINE!” Usually distancing myself from the situation and cooling down a bit helps. The root of that one is about the same as jealousy- I don't want to be replaced by the new shiny person. New Relationship Energy is threatening, especially if you don't get that mound of reassurance.
I guess the best way to reassure a partner like me is to spend some extra time, not even a lot, romancing them. If you need some ideas, here are things I am pretty sure would work for me. I’m not sure exactly how to reassure a guy, but this is where I would start.
None of this will work if you only do it before you want to get laid. But, if you do this sort of little thing consistently it makes a huge difference in the quality of a relationship. It’s like maintaining a car, every so often you have to put in gas, change the oil, change the air filter, and wash it. If all you do is drive it, pretty soon it won’t work. It's really hard to deal with feelings of jealousy in a productive fashion that is beneficial to yourself and the relationship when you don't have that extra bit of affection directed towards you. When there is another person involved, it's really easy to feel like you’re being left out.
Jealousy happens in every relationship, especially a poly one. You have to let your partners know, and deal with it in a productive fashion. Never feel guilty for feeling jealous. Feelings happen, it’s how you deal with them that matters. If you recognize that jealousy is going to hit, and try to come up with supportive ways to cope with it, it will make things go a lot smoother.