Receptionist from HELL

I love my job, but there is one thing that makes my life HELL during the week. I sit right next to the receptionist, who happens to work part time for Satan, as a Secretary Sent to make us Suffer. I have no idea how she manages to keep her job, really. The only thing I can figure is that she has pictures of the boss having sex with a monkey. And the worst part of it is, I sit RIGHT NEXT TO HER. All day, every day, six days a week I cannot escape this obnoxious parody of an efficient employee.

I work in something similar to a brokerage, and she is incompetent on the phone. She is rude to the people making incoming calls, drops calls, and generally can’t find her ass from a whole in the ground. If she manages to finally piss someone off, that can cost us twenty grand every time she does it, minimum. I’ve had people call me back who have complained about it. At our office, we are required to wear business casual clothing, and while I don’t have much of a business wardrobe she shows up in torn tee-shirts that show off her cleavage, baggy jeans, and other clothing that shows off her many tasteless and unimaginative tattoos. I used to work as a receptionist in a law firm, and she would get fired in half an hour, tops. She doesn’t know what the hell she is doing and it reflects negatively on our firm.

She has a computer at her desk, that she does NOT need and has no clue how to use. She is always bitching about her stupid computer. Computers are only as smart as the people using them, honey. READ A GODDAMN HELP MENU EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. I’m one of the few tech people in the office and she is constantly screeching for me to come over and fix the damn machine. And the only thing she does with it is download and play music videos. Really, really BAD music videos. I like rap and hip-hop, and even a little bit of pop. She listens to the absolute WORST shit currently being produced. If it screams “Manufactured Band with No Talent but lots of Cleavage and/or Nice Sexy Asses” she loves it.

One day she downloaded every Brittany Spear’s video ever made, and then sang along with all of them for 45 minutes. She was doing it off-key to piss another person off, but I have pretty good pitch and it was just earsplitting. During the few blissful moments of non-singing her mouth was still making noise, mostly about how hot Brittany is because her tits are so perky. She’s 21 years old, and Brittany Spears is just at her level. Brittany is also one of the better artists she listens to. She listens to this crap all fucking daylong.

I brought a pair of headphones in for her but she refuses to use them, because she doesn’t like them. Probably thinks they will mess up her hair or something. It certainly couldn’t be because they would make it harder for her to answer the phones professionally, because she doesn’t do that anyway.

She whines about EVERYTHING. On top of the "stupid" computer, Candy drags up more petty bullshit drama than anyone else I have ever met. 90% of it she creates for herself. She was an hour and a half late from lunch and crying the second day I was there. Why? Because she hadn't paid her car payment in three months because she TOTALED HER CAR, and the bank took all of her money out of her account so that she couldn't pay her rent. She got an early paycheck from the boss and then WENT DRINKING. One of her friends got sent to jail for violating his parole, and she blamed his girlfriend for being a stupid whore for not telling her. Now, I’m sure that after her live-in, long-term boyfriend went to JAIL the first thing on her mind was YOUR feelings, sweetie. After all the whole world revolves around YOU.

She whines for hours about paper cuts, earaches, and hangovers. She’s going to just DIE because they are all so painful. She’s had a damn kid, she should know what pain is, and look up “stoic” in a dictionary so she might have a clue. Oh wait, that would require basic literacy skills! And knowing what the fuck a dictionary is! I have never seen an adult woman cry and simper damn much in my life. I swear her adenoids have calluses, otherwise her nose would shoot off of her face from the pressure of all that whining. She has to be a spoiled single child brat from an smothering parent. If I did an fraction of the pity-party nasal “fix it for me” crying as she does when I was SIX my Mom would have kicked the hell out of me and then told me to do it myself. Oh, I wish her Mom had made her self-sufficient! I guess I will have to sigh put up with it until whine someone saves her.

She also starts shit with the other employees. We are expanding like mad, and we have anywhere from ten to twenty new people a week. Candy spent two days strait telling ANYONE who would listen that one of the new girls is FUCKED UP because she wears granny panties. How does she know that? Because she could see the panty lines through her skirt, and there is just SOMETHING WRONG with anyone who wears granny panties. First, there are four women on the floor in my office including Candy. Virtually everyone else is a single guy, and the only reason they aren’t a insane bunch of ass-pinchers and boob grabbers is because my boss would kick their ass if they did. I have stopped bending over, however, from paranoia. This new girl is cute, and the last thing she needs is all of them thinking about her panties. Second, what the HELL business does Candy have picking on and making fun of the new girl? And, about something stupid like her underwear? It’s petty, childish, and potentially hurtful.

I have yet to talk to a single one of my co-workers that actually think she’s a decent receptionist, even the ones who ‘like’ her (a.k.a. kissing her ass so she won’t drop their calls). Thankfully, someone in the office moved and gave me a stereo I can play in my cubicle. I listen to classical music all day long, and when her nasal shrieking starts getting louder, I just turn it up. I’ve gotten high fives for putting up something to combat her shitty music, from people who hate classical. The person who had my desk before I did hates her with a passion, and I can see why. He didn’t have a CD player.

On the other hand, since I have something to drown her out with my days have gotten a lot better. If she would just stop dropping my calls, and start being a professional, perhaps I could start forgiving her for the Brittany Spears incident…

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