And not in that uber-flexable yogic sence, either.
At one point or another, I think everyone has sat down with a cold drink and contemplated death. You have to wonder how you are going to die, and what goes on in the afterlife. I believe in reincarnation, so the afterlife one isn’t an issue for me. However, my life has been a mixed blessing so far, and nothing in my life or about me is absolutely normal, so I know I am going to die in some unbelievable and spectacular way. Going in my sleep quietly just does not seem like an option. The goal for this list is to hit 100.
ways in which i will expire.
George Clooney replaces my heart with a baked potato
I drown in a sewer pipe
I get trampled by fat biker men rushing the bar for two for one virgin daiquiris and cosmopolitans.
I’m taking a leisurely walk through park, and get mauled to death by marauding squids.
While getting laser hair removal done in my butt crack, I happen to fart. Between the highly combustible fart and the laser, I kill myself and the technician in a Chernobyl-type explosion.
Lethal pie in the face stunt at child’s 6th birthday party puts an abrupt end to my career as a party clown
In a desperate attempt to save itself, my own small intestine chokes me after listening to self-published poetry in a coffee shop for three hours. (dedicated to the memory of Douglas Adams)
Some hot chick from Boulder convinces me to tie myself to tree in protest of logging. The logging bastards start in on the tree anyway. I narrowly escape the chainsaw to have the ungrateful tree squash me flat, all without ever getting any from the hot Boulder hippie chick.
Freak, yet fatal, ass fat liposuction accident.
I find myself trapped in a B-rated horror film. Instead of doing something smart, like running, I stand there and scream while eaten alive by zombie vampire lesbian werewolf people from Planet X.
While trying to figure out how zombie vampire lesbian werewolf from Planet X people have sex, my brain goes on strike.
It’s not fair. If you can’t survive one little bullet to the head and you are OUT of the gene pool.
I find myself in a peaceful eucalyptus forest. Caught in Koala riot. The koalas want representation in Australia, a cut of some of the profits people make from those annoyingly cute Koala Dolls, and higher quality Koala porn. The Australian National Guard mistakes me for a rioting Koala and shoots me.
The people in a nearby trailer park get all the jokes I have been telling about them and start revolting (but, you say, they are already revolting!).
I am out playing a live-action game of Vampire: The Masquerade. I am complimenting a person on their full-finger claw ring, and a challenge starts. He throws scissors, and instead of poking me in the eye, with the long metal pointy ring he impales my brain-meats. Humped by the Garou playing Metis. ( if you don’t play White Wolf games I apologize for the lame reference.
The hate mail I am bound to get from this page hits me all at once, and boom! voodoo curse. My heart explodes and I die.
I finally get to go to Paris, and I see an incredibly annoying mime following some lady. I start imitating him walking down the street and won’t knock it off. He realizes how annoying it is and in a fit of rage, beats me to death with a baguette. You hear, on the evening news, “Obnoxious American gets beaten to death by a French mime wielding a baguette.”
End up stuck on a deserted island. Have ten thousand spoons when all I need is a knife. Alanis Morrisete comes to airlift me off the island, and lands on me. Death by Morrisete-squish.
I choke on my own vomit after being forced to watch Smokey and the bandit 6,000 times.
I try the cooked noodle in one nostril, out the other trick. I manage to impale my brain on a limp noodle.
I go to a nightclub downtown. I show up with a troop of my friends. We eat, drink, and check out guys together, in a group. We are going to the bathroom, and I get separated from the heard...lions JUMP OUT AND EAT ME. After a moment, all is quiet again in the savanna that is the nightclub.
Desperately trying to escape the mall after some sadistic friend told me it would be fun to go, a girl named Tiffi sprays me with a bottle of acid instead of the foul smelling goop she was supposed to squirt me with. I get to hear a cute "whoops" before I die.
Fatal knee in the groin.
I get decapitated in the French revolution.
my lipstick gives me the kiss of death. (my makeup does not seem happy.)
We're Up to 25!
After watching That 80’s Show, someone gags me with a spoon and accidentally chokes me to death.
overdose on haggendas
My brother finds out that I tried to sell him on e-bay and I will meet my maker.
A twitchy vegan cracks after eight months of their new healthy lifestyle, decides I am the other-other-OTHER white meat. But I tasted so nice with some good white wine and fava beans.
While playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends, the incredible lame-ness of it all overwhelms my senses. I pass out, and land face-first in the dip. Death by drowning in French Onion Dip. My family sues Frito-Lay.
Neck broken in the vicious, hard-core mosh pit of an awesome Backstreet Boys concert.
