[ Note ]

This is not the original version of the fic. It's my attempt of recovering it since the original version I wrote was lost. Computers are not reliable. I cannot emphasize that enough. Believe me, I was so pissed, I even got out my mother's meat cleaver, ready to bash this brand new computer into a million, billion bits. I was beyond heated. I apologize if this fic sucked. Trust me, I truly am sorry. I really liked what I had going the first time around when I sat down to type. It was so, so, so much better. The words were just flowing and the beats of KISS and Lee Soo Young's songs were just feeding me the next lines of the fic. But it was all lost when my computer decided to malfunction and be an obnoxious bitch. And so now this version is a lot shorter than what I had originally written. Once again, sorry. Enjoy what I've got here and of course, feedback, comments, suggestions and questions are welcomed.

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Because I'm a girl, I'm automatically labeled as a useless gossling. I was condemned to be something stupid and worthless. I'm not anything to anybody.

I'm a girl.

I'm a jinx.

I'm the middle child, a daughter. I was born to a middle class family; my parents worked in factories and my older brother died not too long after I was born. He was five. I had learned to take on all responsibilities for the ups and downs of the family, meaning all the unfortunate and bad things that happened. I was told over and over again, I'm stupid, dumb, a new monkey breed with a hard skull. I never made it to school because of that. I was duped to believe I was too dumb to even be considered for school. I was in school for a month before my parents showed up, withdrawing me. They explained to the administrators I had problems, learning disabilities. Moreover, I was too dumb to accept anything that's taught to me. I remembered the teachers stared at my parents as if they were the ones with problems. They did.

Me.

I'm a girl.

"Sooyoung's a very bright child. There's nothing wrong with her," the principal pointed out. He had shown my grades to my parents and he seemed to be confused.

My parents didn't care. They were illiterate. They didn't care for grades. They wanted points, numbers. They don't care for comments or little Korean characters that stood in place of a full hundred. They didn't understand the grading system of the schools because they never went to school themselves. They weren't satisfied and insisted I was wasting their money.

The principal frowned. "I don't see how. She's wonderful. She's far more advanced than everybody else in her class. All the teachers have told me she's always the first one to understand a new concept that's taught to the class. I don't see how she's wasting your money or that she has learning disabilities." Then he turned to me. "Don't you like school, Lee Sooyoung?"

I wanted to jump up and down and nod. However, I turned to glance at my parents. Their menacing eyes and scowls frightened me so I didn't answer. I could only stare at my principal and remain quiet. He was waiting and I could tell he knew I was afraid of my parents. He saw their expressions. He knew.

"I don't see the need to withdraw."

"She's too good for the school," my mother snapped.

The principal's mouth fell open.

"Like you said, she's so smart, I think we need to find her a better school. We'll get a transfer."

I pleaded the principal with my eyes. I knew what was to happen. They had no plans of taking me to another school. They wanted to take away my only love. Time away from home only brought comfort and relief to me and they were denying me the comfort. I'm not smart; I'm not too good for the school. They wanted to take everything away from me. Everything everybody could have. As always.

There was nothing else the principal could say. He knew. I had appeared in school with massive bruises and scars and everybody saw them. They knew. But there was nothing they could do about it. They knew if they interfered, the only one that's to suffer was me. They wouldn't be wrong. I was the one.

Because I'm a girl.

Soon my days of schooling was gone and I was ordered to be home all day. I was to watch my younger brother, Soowon, who's now six and I'm eight. He attends school. The same one I was in a few years ago. I was to take him to school and bring him back. Cook, clean and wash for him. I was to help him. He's not at all bad, just playful. He had a way of charming people with his smile, this big fat smile. I'm happy. Whenever that smile appears, I could only smile along. He's the only one that could bring smiles to everybody's faces. I was once caught smiling along with my brother and my mother slapped me.

"What are you smiling at?! Go get some more soup for your brother! Can't you see he's done?!"

That was another thing. I wasn't allowed to dine with the family. I was to eat leftovers and most of the time there wasn't any. Soowon consumes a lot and my parents constantly overstuff him. I had to stand aside and wait for their commands: they needed more rice, soup, whatever. I had to clean after them and if anything went wrong, their natural reaction was to start beating me. I had grown used to it. To have them not beat me is like a person without eyelashes. It's a weird comparison but it's true. I suppose beating me comes with the package.

Days have gone on all the same. It was routine. They beat me until I bleed but that's hardly a point for them to stop. The only time they ever stopped was when they were hungry or tired. And that's hardly. They were always angry, not once were they ever tired. Soowon was opposite. He's always whining and crying. He slept a majority of the times and ate the other times. He was doing poorly in school but that didn't matter much to him nor my parents. As long as he had enough sleep and enough to eat, nothing else mattered.

His teachers called home and I was responsible to deliver the message. It was the principal. A parent-teacher conference was required. Soowon was falling behind.

"Oma," I whispered when I took her coat and things from her. She sat down on the couch to play with Soowon while I poured her a cup of tea. I told her about the call from school and waited for an immediate reaction. Sure enough it came.

She splashed the steaming cup of tea at me, causing most of it to get on Soowon, making him scream with pain. I yelled just as painfully as the liquid scorched my already pink skin. I hurried to help clean off the hot tea off Soowon but my mother shoved me away. "Get away from him, you evil thing. Look at what you've done!" Once she calmed Soowon's cries and wails, she turned to me with her pair of deadly eyes. She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and started scratching my face. She slapped me several times, making my head turn this way and that. I was dizzy and by the time she got through with me, I was already on the floor. I had blacked out and when she saw there was no need to continue, she stopped and took Soowon to out to eat. My father must've gone with them because when I came to I was left alone.

I got up and went to the bathroom to see the damage.

I couldn't see myself.

There were scars all over my face and it was caked with dry blood. I winced, triggering immediate pain. I released a small cry. I wanted to scream and yell like Soowon but I couldn't. The pain was unbearable. I wanted to scratch away the hot burning sensation. My face was bruised and swollen, my hair in a wild mess.

I did look like the devil.

I managed to clean myself up with whatever I could. The stinging pain was unmerciful. It teamed with my mother against me, hurting me like wildfire. It was burning and burning. Slowing eating away the flesh on my face. I tried hard not to scratch myself; I tried even harder to ignore the burning sensation. It was hard. I cleaned up the mess my mother left behind in haste, picking up the broken pieces of her cup. The tea was close to drying up on the floor, there were still tiny spots gleaming on the floor. I dried the floor and took out the trash. Since there wasn't a need to cook dinner, I didn't bother. I wasn't hungry anyway.

The nice auntie next door waved to me but paused once I raised my head. I saw her eyes grow wide as she hurried to her door and threw the latch up. "What happened?" she asked. She hurried over to me and placed a gentle hand upon my face. "Your mother hit you again?"

I nodded. I looked around for signs of my parents.

"Where did she go?"

I didn't answer. I knew better than to answer. I could only tell her with my eyes.

"She went out with your brother?"

I nodded again.

She looked around and took me by the hand. I pulled back and motioned I had to get back home and she reluctantly released her grip on me. I ran home and slammed the door, hoping my parents wouldn't be home till really late. About five minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. I looked up, wondering whom it would be.

"Who is it?"

There was no answer.

I got curious and slowly pried the door open. It was the auntie. I opened the door wider and invited her in. "What are you doing here?"

She led me to the couch and patted for me to sit next to her. Then she took out several bottles and started applying the contents to my face. It was then I realized she had come over with ointments and medication. She was trying to ease off the pain. She did everything she could in a quick manner, she knew if she didn't leave before my parents got home, I'd be in for more trouble. "Tell your oma I'm looking to borrow her needles if she asks. The ones I had broke."

I nodded as the auntie finished up. I walked her to the door and thanked her. It was hard to believe anybody was treating me so kindly. She was gentle and warm, somebody I would want as my mother. She made her exit as I went back to the kitchen to clean up. Just as I had hoped for, my parents arrived home with Soowon asleep in their arms, later that night. I had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for them. I got up and took their things and waited until they went to bed before going to bed myself.

I only slept for about four hours when the first ray of sunlight touched my eyes. I had to wake up and prepare breakfast. I checked on Soowon and patted his head. He was sleeping like a curled up porcupine. He was still a sight to watch even when he's sleeping.

I repeated the chores I had learned to memorize in a timely order. I prepared what I normally did and waited for the time to pass. It was soon for them to get out of bed and I went to wake up Soowon. He woke up with a raging fit, crying and wailing for me to leave him alone. That eventually woke up my mother and she stormed in and smacked me upside my head. I didn't offer any explanations, they weren't valid. When she demanded for an answer I pointed at the clock. That silenced her. She immediately picked up Soowon and cleaned him up for the day. She cooed him the whole way and for the first time, she didn't hit me as much as she did every other day.

However, her loud shrieking filled my ears once she saw what I cooked for breakfast.

"WHERE'S THE NOODLES?! You can't expect Soowon to eat that!" she bellowed.

I was confused. Soowon ate the same thing they did every morning, why wasn't he able to eat it today? I didn't ask and hurried to cook him a bowl of noodles.

"Get out! You'll just poison him and kill him, you ungrateful brat!"

I retreated to my room and waited for more commands. Then they left. My father had told my mother he would take Soowon to school and she left for work, leaving me behind to clean their rooms. My face still ached and it wasn't any better than yesterday. The school called again and I took down the message. I told them to call back later at night, hopefully that way my mother wouldn't think I was lying.

There was nothing else for me to do and so I took a small nap. It was nice having to sleep peacefully without constant fear and worry of doing something wrong. I woke up right around the time to leave. I got up and got ready to pick Soowon up. I got to the school right when he was coming out. We held hands as we walked home, passing by a small corner store. He stopped and asked me for candy. Just my luck, I didn't bring any money with me. Not like I get any, but occasionally I found loose change when I cleaned. I shook my head and explained I didn't have money. He started screaming and fussing. The people that passed by stopped to glance at us before moving on.

I ignored Soowon's behavior and dragged him home. "I'll get it for you when we get home."

But I never got it for him.

My parents were home earlier than usual and they were apparently waiting for us to arrive. When they saw Soowon's tear stained face, they questioned him.

"Nuna," Soowon wailed. He pointed his fat finger at me. "Nunaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

They turned to me with their wild eyes. He didn't even get to finish telling them the whole story and they pounced on me without a second's consideration. My father handed the beating board to my mother and they cornered me. They snatched me up and waved the wide wooden stick in my face. I had my eyes squeezed shut as they began whacking me. The splinters. I had tried so hard to block them from my memory bank but it was impossible as they dug into my skin. I wanted to scream and cry but that was not permitted. I wasn't allowed to cry when I get beaten. I heard my mother yell at me, my father curse me up and down, and my brother laughing.

This was punishment.

Because I'm a girl.

"What did I do to deserve this? Huh?! What? Why did I even give birth to you? I knew it from the moment your brother died, you were evil! You evil, evil, evil thing! Now you want to destroy your younger brother?!"

The whacks came harder and faster. The hot, agonizing pain sunk in. My arms, my legs, my whole body was burning. I was numb. My mother was breathing hard as her hair became wild. Her face was dark, clouded by red anger. My back was stiff as another stiff smack came down on me.

I felt myself collapse, the world slowly diminishing right before my eyes. Before I closed my eyes for a brief moment, I felt somebody lift me high into the air. When I opened them I found myself in my father's hands. I was poised well over his head.

I knew what was to happen next.

But I couldn't protest.

It happened all too fast.

He hurled me into the corner, my body slamming against the pale, white walls. I winced as more hushed tears sprung to my eyes.

Soowon laughed merrily as I watched with my hooded eyes in from the corner I huddled in. They patted his head affectionately and I watched my mother kiss the top of his head. It was then when they took him to the kitchen to show them the cake they had bought for him.

It was his birthday.

I found no strength to stand. If they called for me, I wouldn't be able to move. I couldn't take anymore of the beating so I willed myself to stand. But all the energy I once had was gone. I felt my life drain from my limbs, my body. Just as like the blood that's leaking everywhere.

They left me to die.

All because I'm a girl.

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