NEW$$JOURNAL

Feb.03/02
This is how you remind me of how i really am.. this
song by Nickleback is really good... it reminds me
of a lot of my past relationships.. I think that w/
out risk there is no gain. and my whole life is
about risks. my friend joke around that i have
balls of steel.... and thats what i like to think
too.. but a lot of the time i have to push myself
to do things... like swallow my fear and just move
on. i guess being an emotional powder keg isnt good
at the best of times.. Rick called me at 5 am..
then he denied it.. i didnt get the call b/c i
turned my cell off... but i have call display..
anyways.. i talked to him and he was acting decent
supposedly he's been holding one of my bra's
hostage. anyways.. he says he's giving it back
and that he wants to see me.. which is odd in
itself. I guess im not good at breaking peoples
hearts.. b/c i dont like this bizness at all...
i talked to ste for a good few hours tonight...
i was amazing.. i know that at the very least he
and i will be good friends at the very least.
Signing C

Feb.02/02
Well well, i've resurected my online journal. Its
been a very long time since i've written in an
open forum. It feels weird to be allowing people
into my private world again. A lot has happened in
the last year. Cheryl(bear) is married, she just
had her baby, a girl named harmony. I was with a
guy for more than 4 months.. so i beat my past
relationships lengths by a month and a half..
He pretty much hates me now, even tho he still
wants me back. I just dont know how i could trade
a true passion for someone with companionship...
big mistake.. honesty is always the best policy.
I just moved back to gabe and i am living with
with friends until next week when i move into my
own room with some nice people on the south end.
i am trading garden work for a room and board. it
will be kinda cool :)
Barb is the lady and she says she wants to get into
bee farming. sweet huh? well.. i always like
learning new things.
Stephen and i are talking a lot more.. but i still
get upset sometimes when i think about how far
we were and now we're back at being friends.
Hopefully this trip to england in the summer will
will be my chance to make things better. He thinks
that i only want him b/c he's the only one who
ever got away... Thats not the case at all..
anywyas.. with 5 classes, too much work, and no
life to speak of.. im pretty much a zombie.
signing off C

OLD JOURNAL

Jan 28th 2000~~ Well as sinful as i am.. i am
stuck in rut of my own making... i am wanting a
job.. but it just doesnt seem to be happening.. i
have been called shallow multiple times in the
last couple of days.. i am getting realy annoyed
about that.. its driving me nuts.. only b/c there
is some truth to it.. i mean.. i am NOT that
shallow. .but i guess in some ways i am.. FRICK>>>
total honesty SUCKS ASS... since my friends dont
like to be named on the net... i will use intials
or made up names for them... it seems the best way
to deal with that problem.. ok, bear seems to be
having a lot of good news lately, and altho i know
it sounds really bad i am waiting for the big
crash to happen.. things go well w/ her and her b
friend for a bit then its the big problems... and
V DAY is approaching.. if they break up i dont
want to be the one to pick up the pieces.. i know
it sounds bad.. but there it is!!! i havent talked
to RAPHAEL in weeks... it seems to be good for
me.. i havent had to deal w/ all the crap he puts
on me... hmm nor have i talked to the latest
heartbreak for awhile.. seems that girls w/ big
racks in the same town win out over girls w/
eccentric workings.. what should i expect.. ??????
i dont know.. the treehouse idea i have is taking
over my mind.. its so much fun.. and of course my
need for POCKY.. yum yum ... feh.. FEH.. ok,
enough for today.. signing off.. ~C~



Feb .01hmm... got a poem from ... lets call him,
scotsboy..ok so i was going to put him on ignore
for icq then i get this super sweet e mail, and a
poem.. my weakness ..so then i am all mushy, and
plus i cant seem to stay mad for long.. i know i
know.. its pathetic, but its my life so what can i
expect??? haha.. i am in a weird kinda mood today
not in a funk, just feeling kinda mischevious.. i
have had some really good photo ideas, but i have
no subjects.. soooooooo.. i am subjectless w/ some
really kickn' ideas.. soon.. soon i'll have some
prey.. talking to some guy on icq that happens to
be a rugby player from uvic.. and since rugby is
my obsession i am intrigued.. not to mention that
he is 6'5.. i know i know.. whats w/ the whole
height thing? i dunno.. its just that it will take
a majorly intrigueing guy to get me to go back to
shorties.. Got my pocky fix.... so all is good in
that area!!! I spent the weekend at home w/ the
fam.. it was ok.. i just hate all the noise and
commotion that is constantly there... i have come
to realization that what i need isnt merely love
its adoration.. yup adoration.... newest thing is
vintage porn.. its highly fascinating.. to see the
differences b/t old porn and new porn, i find it
mostly artsy not sexual at all.. but i guess art
and sexuality are tightly entwined... icq is the
funnest thing for me right now and learning
gaelic.. its highly interesting.. no one seems to
get why i love scotland so much.. its ok tho.. i
dont expect people to.. like most great minds i am
rarely understood!!!!!!!!




Feb.02
like any good friend who is begged, i went to
Nanaimo yesterday to spend the day w/ bear...
ooook.. sooo.. i really didnt want to go.. and was
really pissed off about going.. but then.. as i
finally fell asleep, at around 3 am, i hear, HEY
some little bastards are breaking into my car....
so.. yeah .. some guys 3 to be exact stole my
friends cd's 53 of them.. and she is rightously
pissed off... so i have had little to no sleep as
yet... so.. i am heading off to bed reall shortly,
had dinner at my moms today as well.. talk about
guilt trips, supposedly my g-pa doesnt think i
like him.. well , not to be mean but big whupty
do.. he has never been there for me. .so why
should i beg for the scraps of affection he wishes
to throw??? i am not going to start now..
regardless.. i think family were put on this earth
to make you appreciate your friends more.... i got
PB back.. i dont even feel a shred of guilt.. he
is so sweet looking and even if Raphael wants him
back..a too bad i say.. after all the crap i dealt
w/.... i deserve pb more than he does.. i think of
it like a divorce .. i got the teddy bear and he
got to move on.... :) sounds fair enough to me..
my eyes are starting to burn so its off to bed i
go.. i took the ferry back home tonight and saw
the most beautiful sky.... i will dream of them
while i hold pb close to me :) NIIIIGHT !! signing
off ~C~




Feb.03 unhappy, not writing... ~C~



Feb.04 I missed yesterday due to my laziness.. and
FRUSTRATION in my attempts to download CRUCIAL
music... frick FRICK makes me pissed off just
thinking about it... talked really late w/.. lets
call him.. mr.niceguy, sometimes i wonder if i am
more harsh w/ some people than others.. or if i am
just a bitch in general????? who knows.. .
regardless... i like chatting w/ him.. so.. i
dunno.. something is gonna have to change.. i
volunteered at the recycling center today .. it
was soooooooo much fun... i did my first bail
whahahahahha... the poooooower... :P anyways.. it
was cool meeting some artsy/literary people too...
we are collecting from the publishers this
friday.. which is cool..... i am very excited!!!!!
why do wet dreams always come at crazy times???
had a doozy last night but the person in it must
stay anon.. *LOL* it was a good time.. too bad i
cant get as much action when i am awake.. haha...
the museum is hiring. .as is the youth newspaper..
FRICK FRICK.. i really want to work at both
places.. i hope the gods that control my life cut
me some slack for once.. there is a film school on
galiano island..i REEEeeALLLy wanna go... but
being broke.. i dont know if it will
happen????!!!!!! anyways anything i am leaving
out????? o... Leeshie is coming back today :)
company.. someone to talk to.. :P oh.. i was
admiring my breasts last night.. i must say i like
them.. 0_o nothing new otherthan that.. signing
off ~C~



Feb.05 Well, i just figgured out WHY i have been in
such an irrational and really pissy mood of late
PMS.. are you a guy? and dont wanna hear bout it??
then FUCK OFF :) WOW i feel better now.. i went to
the recyclers today.. and i got two new cool
sweater vests.. yes i am becoming an old man...
tommorrow is the rugby.. i am pumped up...
european cup finals.. so i will be watching
that.....my mind is a jumble of thoughts... i just
keep thinking that my life hasnt amounted to much
up to this point.... i dont really accomplish
anything and live a pretty lame existance.. i have
been slacking since i have been back on the
coast.. i have to get my act together.. i feel
chunky.. need to work out.. so. .tommorrow is the
beginning of my diet.. time to get this chunky
thing over w/... then i can not walk.. but strut
*LOL* cramps are the devil.. its easy to hate all
men at this time.. infact its a good thing i dont
have power or i'd have them all rounded up and
beaten.. i am sitting here wearing my jeans, a
green t shirt my new vest and a green bow tie.. i
look like a crack victim.. its ok.. no one needs
to be alarmed.. i am just feeling moody.. ok,
enough for today .. signing off ~C~




Feb.06 I said when i first did this page that i
am a sinner.. well its true.. today.. i have felt
wrath, extreme amounts of it infact.. i have felt
envy and of course.. lust was in my dreams last
night.. as per ALWAYS *LOL*... tired.. and
annoyed, pretty much sums up how i am feeling
today.. i watched rugby today.. i must say that
Dad is damn cool... he let me watch it even tho
his hockey was on.. i felt really bad.. but he was
doing computer stuff so it made it a little
better.... i really lovedt the game today and cant
wait to watch the next one on Sunday.. its the six
nations cup.. excited doesnt even describe the
half of it.. THRILLED is more apt.. time to go for
now.. might right more later?? i dont know..
signing off ~C~
PART 2---->today has been a rollercoaster day..
boredom has taken over my soul and threatens to
strangle me.... i feel like my eyes are there but
they dont see.. i am listening to my new fave
song.. "everything you want", by vertical
horizon.. its the best song.. you should have a
listen to it....
Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
Chorus
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
Chorus
But you'll just tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway P
ast the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
Chorus
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know
this is totally my song.. i feel these words
course through my soul.. tearing at it.. making me
think.. music like this is priceless.... i have
felt that way.. i have felt like i needed them to
complete me.. or that they tell me that i am all
that they could want.. but i am not.. sad isnt it?
does anyone out there have any answers? advice?
songs???? e mail me.. give me some help.. i dont
know anymore! nighty night ~C~


Feb.07
Do the words tired as hell mean anything ???????
i am tired.. and i am up so that i can help edit a
friends english paper.. a paper that hasnt been s
ent to me yet.. and i am hoping that it is send
soon.. or i will be really pissed off.. well..
actually.. mildly annoyed really. but still..
regardless... i had a really rough sleep.. this is
basically for yesterday, but i didnt have time...
sooo. my mom talked to yesterday and insulted me
some more. but what else is new??? she tries to be
all nicey nice but she is a bitch.. humm...
niceguy made me feel way better earlier in the
evening.. not having a job is soo depressing.. i
feel like such a slack ass.. and am tired of
having no money to my name.. its sad.... and
FUUUUUUUCK.. i am tired of it!!!!!!signing
for "today" ~C~



Feb.08 SHite.. .thats what life is.. i WAS chatting
w/ someone . and for no apparent reason they went
offline w/ out saying bye.. well.. i am sure it is
just some kind of icq error.. i am FAR too cute to
be abandoned.... or thats the theory.. i was
really mad at first. .but these things happen.. :P
so. to make myself feel a bit better i downloaded
a SWEEET song.. wahahah.. its by some twink guy
band.. but the lyrics kick some azzzz... hahaha
ex.i like the way your making me move, i like the
way you make me wait.. when i make up your mind
you'll be coming home w/ me.. (something like
that)!!!! *LOL* i am loving it... this is one of
those songs that inspires me to dance around my
room naked.. *LOL* it brings back memories of
rez.. cranking out the stereo and dancing around
my dorm room naked.. jumping on the bed.. dancing
on my desk top.. haha.. the fun i had.. or just in
my hot pink g string *LOL* that was fun too
200,001 that is the number scotsboy told me that
it takes to fill up a pool w/ cum.. hmm.. well
thanks for the answer.. i was curious about that..
he is sooo cute .. i miss talking to him.. but
thats what happens when you drift apart.. just
like that song driftwood he sent me.. bleh.. i am
stoked.. no bad stuff in this entry.. w/ good
tunes. who can be down?? Not this swinging bod..
so.. i had a dream last night.. very nice one..
why wont guys taste their own cum? but they'll
want a girl to taste her own?? hmm. .weird..
regardless.. woooooohoo.. it was a good dream.. i
need to go out soon.. to the bar.. or something ..
get pissed .. havent done that in a long time..
and go dance my bootay off.. *LOL* maybe put on my
whore red lipstick.. and be sexually suggestive?
*LOL* hmmm sounds like it could be fun... borrow
one of d's leather collars.. my red net shirt..
could be fun!!!! who knows.. might watch hackers
tonight.. yum yum.. he is sooo hot.. *LOL* i'd do
him in a red patent leather dress anyday.. anybody
out there who is reading this and has any fetishes
that they'd like to share.. e mail me.. *L*.. i
need something to entertain me.. but no porn pics
please.. i have enough of my own *L*.. signing off
~C~



Feb.10 i didnt do my journal yesterday.. didnt feel
like it.. had a rough couple of days.. no call
back from the job i wanted. .so i was ultra
depressed.. but thanks to mr.niceguy and of course
nigel. things were made a lot better.. then.. i
was extremely nervous.... i was tired.. but i
really wanted to talk.. so i pushed my fatigue
aside. it was really worth it.... humm...
mr.niceguy is a great person....its amazing how
many cool guys are out there.. it gives a person
hope about finding a decent speciman.. no pun
intended.. haha.. i just downloaded a new song..
its called beautiful..
basically goes... if i was beautiful like you i
could get away w/ murder.. etc etc.. then but that
will never be.. cause i am not beautiful like you,
i'm beautiful like me.. i like this song.. its
cool.. i feel that way a lot.. what is beauty?? i
find beauty in the oddest of places.. if someone
could take my brain and stick all of the mental
images i pick up daily onto a cd rom.. i'd be a
billionaire.... i stubbed my toe really bad
today.. it was bleeding and still hurts.. frick..
OOOWWIE>> no one to kiss it better either.. no one
to kiss anything better haha... god i am a sick
fuck.. regardless.. tommorrow its recycling pick
up and i get to help again.. we're going to some
publishers on the island here....i think that guys
are more into spanking than they like to admit.. i
get asked about it sooo much.. its kind of a
musing.. i had one guy BEG me to talk to him
today.. but he was waaaay to strange for me.. too
perverted too.. now isnt that a rare
experience???? :P hmm what else did i want to say
today? oooh.. right. trying to start my own zine..
but.. i dont think i can do it.. i am too weak..
maybe i can.. i dunno.. ok.. enought rambling for
tonight, signing off ~C~



Feb.11 Hi... today has been a good day.. i
suppose.. i had fun volunteering at the
recyclers.. i am in the process of reading some
alteranative publishings that i snagged from the
recycle bin.. i am pretty stoked about it.. looks
cool.. i am still jobless.. good thing i am not
homeless.. *LOL* humm.. what else>>> not a whole
heck of a lot.. going to do more recycling stuff..
jules is coming over to see leesh tommorrow.. so
thats coolio.. i wish that i could understand
anime.. it would make things so much easier.. and
maybe it would bring leesh and i closer.. i feel
like an outsider a lot of the time... no boys in
my life.. its kinda lonely on this end... i miss
gyobam.. and its shitty feeling so solitary.. at
least i have my mind..and yes..thats slipping
too.... FUUUUCCCCKK>> *L* but hey things could be
a lot worse.. ic ould have long toe nails.. or
something equally as gross.. ok.. i think its time
to get my room tidied.. well leesh's room.. that i
co habitate in... if anyone has any good ideas for
creating work.. or anything drop me al ine... no
porn shit please.. i have thought about it already
*LOL*.. i am not porn star material....NIIIITE!!!
p.s: if you are a rugby player who wants a
valentine for v day? drop me a line especially..
cause i have no one now.. signing off ~C~




Feb.15 WELL,WELL,WELL... its not OFFICIALLY not V
day anymore.. whooo hoo.. now i will write the
journal entry for yesterday.. v day..the day of
depression and angst that culminates all year and
its giving fruition on that one day .... V DAY...
yup.. its a day when people buy flowers,
chocolate, and other things for their loved ones..
and then they shower them w/ love and all that
kind of thing.. sniffle..but i guess i did have a
valentine.. and ICQ valentine.. but it was nice
nonetheless... it was nice having someone who
cared enough to do that for me... i talked to lots
of people on v day.. got some nice e mails...
thanks to everyone who cheered me up.. especially
mr.niceguy, very sweet....of course talked to
mr.uvic too.. interesting talk.. as per usual..
who wouldve thunk that i can actually get along w/
someone who LIKES PE crazy huh? well, i ahve been
away for a couple of days. i will fill in the
details tommorrow no time tonight.. NIIIIITE ~C~




FEB 16/2000 ok ok... i said i'd fill in on my
weekend adventures.. but i cant.. cause i dont
really care.. haha.. except for the fact that
chers' puppy (a guy) thinks i am homophobic.. do i
have suck someones cunt before people will get off
my case??? shallow and homophobic.. right.. the
world can just kiss my lily white ass as far as i
am concerned.. i still no job.. i am getting
really tired of the unemployed scene.. its no
fun..
Well.. its been an uneventful week.. as per
usual.. BUT the job thing seems to be getting a
bit better.. i mean.. its not as awful as i
thought at first.. i suppose *LOL* hmm... i have
no life really lets face it.. but i have been
talking to a lot of actually really nice people on
here of late.. its not often that i meet so many
cool people in one week.. but yes.. i have.. !!!!!!
and of course (we now have pet type names) didums
is great to talk to .. i really look forward to
our talks.. and i have been asked out to dinner a
couple of times this week.. its really sweet that
so many people seem to appreciate me on some
level.. altho.. lets face it.. a great number of
guys are just out as bear would say " to get their
dicks wet"... hmm.. its ok tho.. i just need some
nude models bear said she'd do it.. which is
cool... B also said he'd do it.. but..i dunno.. i
need more subjects.. its hard to find people who
are comfy in their skin tho.. regardless.. i
havent written in this for days... and yesterday i
was ranting on chat w/ this nice guy .. lets call
him.. humm.. scuba boy..(just cause)ranting and
venting about Raphael.. evil.. evill..... i talked
to scotsboy and he's happy w/ the big rack girl..
which is ok.. i just wish that things had been a
little different.. but its like all of a sudden..
i am ok w/ being alone.. eeerie.. i thought i'd be
in pain forever.. but it being w/ myself doesnt
seem like such a big punishment.. i have a new
fave song... its by MACY GRAY... its called I TRY
and for kicks.. here's some of the lyrics
here is my confession.. may i be your possesion..
boy i need your touch your love kisses and such..
w/ all my mind i try. .but this i cant deny.. i
play it off but i am dreaming of you.. i keep my
cool buy i am feeling.. i try to say goodbye and i
choke.. try to walk away and i stumble.. my world
crumbles when you are not near...
i am getting obsessed w/ this song.. i LLOOOOOVER
it its swweeet.. the cologne romance by ralph
lauren is such a sexy fragrance.. i smell it and i
want to rape someone.. i cut out a sample from
this mag and hung it by my bed.. uuuuhhh.. *LOL*
if only life was that good when i am awake.... i
have been volunteering at the recycling center ..
which i really like.. its so much work.. but lots
of fun too.. mr.uvic is in sisco for a week.. i am
so envious.. i have never been anywhere.. but oh
well :)it could be worse.. monday is the beggining
of my training.. sniffle.. good bye all the things
i love.. like.. pocky... and ice cream.. and all
forms of chocolate.. i bid you good bye.. waaaah..
ok.. enough whining for now.. lots of time for
that later.. my web site is getting a bit better..
still needs a bunch of work tho.. thats for
sure!!!!! it will come tho.. well, signing off for
now.. might come back on later .. ~C~




Feb.20 WEEEEEEEEEELL.... i got a tutoring job
today.. YIIIPPPPPE its only once in awhile.. but
HEY.. its better than what i have been doing.. a
big fat NOTHING>> :) SO, i am going to build a
green house.. i will help dad w/ his cold frames
and i will grow vegies and maybe strawberries as
well.. :))))) i am so excited.. its a project for
me to work on.. i dont know exactly how big i want
it.. its going to be a spring/summer time project
tho.. we'll see how it goes! i am so pumped.. and
i am going to apply at some green houses here on
the island as well!!!!!! wooohoo.. (get some tips
for my own operation) this is going to be sweeter
than chocolate hahaha.. ok.. enough peppy
ness ..... i am also constructing a new bag for my
purposes.. and i am going to start some
photography.. right now money is my only
problem... frick.. oh well i will get a job and
start earning :) i cant wait.. and of course.. GYM
likes my t shirt ideas.. either this will be a
great thing.. or i am being scammed but i
genuinely think that hes just a really nice guy..
one of few these days.. I'll finish this later..
~C~




Feb.21 WEEEEEEEEEELL.... i got a tutoring job
today.. YIIIPPPPPE its only once in awhile.. but
HEY.. its better than what i have been doing.. a
big fat NOTHING>> :) SO, i am going to build a
green house.. i will help dad w/ his cold frames
and i will grow vegies and maybe strawberries as
well.. :))))) i am so excited.. its a project for
me to work on.. i dont know exactly how big i want
it.. its going to be a spring/summer time project
tho.. we'll see how it goes! i am so pumped.. and
i am going to apply at some green houses here on
the island as well!!!!!! wooohoo.. (get some tips
for my own operation) this is going to be sweeter
than chocolate hahaha.. ok.. enough peppy
ness ..... i am also constructing a new bag for my
purposes.. and i am going to start some
photography.. right now money is my only
problem... frick.. oh well i will get a job and
start earning :) i cant wait.. and of course.. GYM
likes my t shirt ideas.. either this will be a
great thing.. or i am being scammed but i
genuinely think that hes just a really nice guy..
one of few these days.. I'll finish this later..
~C~




Feb.24 TODAY HAS BEEN TOTAL MOTHERFUCKING
SHITE>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ok.. now that that is out of
the way.. here are some kick azz lyrics that are
for today..
I would swallow my pride I would choke on the
rhines But the lack thereof would leave me empty
inside I would swallow my doubt turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing Want to put my
tender heart in a blender Watch it spin round to a
beautiful oblivion Rendezvous then I'm through
with you I burn burn like a wicker cabinet chalk
white and oh so frail I see our time had gotten
stale The tick tock of the clock is painful All
sane and logical I want to tear it off the wall I
hear words and clips and phrases I think sick like
ginger ale My stomach turns and I exhale So Cal is
where my mind states but it's not my state of mind
I'm not as ugly sad as you Or am I origami Folded
up and just pretend demented as the motives in
your head I alone am the one you don't know you
need take heed feed your ego Make me blind when
your eyes close sink when you get close tie me to
the bedpost.
thats right.. i am a fucking bitch.... and i am
tired of feeling guilty.. and worrying about
hurting the nice people in life.... we should
round up all the nice people, w/ all the beautiful
people and just scream at them until we feel
better... ok.. that is harsh.. but i tire of this
shite.. i am a shallow person i guess cock
swinging commando.. thats what i want.. somoene
who grunts, slaps my ass and doesnt cry a lot.. is
that too much to ask for ?????????? maybe i should
just become a dyke and suck CUNT??? i dont know..
i am bloody tired of rules, codes of conduct..
ultimatums.. people who think they know what
sucess is.. i am tired of my addiction to HC>..
its like i dont have one and i get a migraine all
day... building my green house is going to be
good.. UNBC FUCKED ME OVER once again.. and my
damage deposit is only 50$ out of 200$.. but once
again.. i have to bend over and take it up the
ASS.... none of my supposed friends from PG have
called... its reading break so there is no
excuse.... i am going to do my nude photography..
but i just want to do it w/ strangers.. i dont
want anyone to see my work but me... but it doesnt
work that way... i am going to write a rant book..
and i am going to sell a million copies.. just b/c
i CAN!!!!! people will read my book just b/c its
fucked up out of morbid curiosity! i went out w/ B
for a movie.. and my EX friend JAMES WILSON AKA
COCKSUCKING BITCH saw me and opened his big
mouth.. my mom calls me to interogate me.. he
needs to get a life.. i know he doesnt have one ..
inbetween sucking cocks and masturbating.. there
is nothing wrong w/ masturbation.. unless you are
so FUCKING PATHETIC that thats all YOU"LL EVER
SEE!!!!!! i hope he breaks his wrists and has to
go w/ out.. DTJ is cool as ever... i love talking
to him.. we have so much bloody fun.. haha.. its
surprising that he's american.. didums is cool
too.. now.. scuba boy is nice.. but i feel like a
tard.. i always say hi first.. from now on.. he'll
have to talk first.. it seems like i am always
interupting something.. bleh.. and of course
mr.uvic... he is still in frisco.. hope he's
having tons of fun... tomorrow is volunteering at
the recyclers.. that will be fun.... i cant wait!!
i am already feeling better.. now that i am
getting this down.. so.. new things include..
Green house construcion/planning
designing T shirts logos
Clothing designs
building dad's cold frames
tutoring
going on "dates"????????
THINGS I HATE TOdAY
nice people
men in general
"cutesy people' yeah you know who you are!!!!
talking about SEX
feeling tired
JAMES THOMAS WILSON!!!!
LAME PEOPLE ON ICQ
ok.. now that felt good.. aaaah...
i am in such a bad mood still..
FUUUUUUUUCK>>>>
congregations of
ideas, forming
disturbing tranquility
mind fucks
filled w/ no completion
mental orgasms of rarity
unfulfilled , muddled
condition-- not symptom
thats all for now.. ~C~




Feb.25 HEEELLLOO>> yeah i am back.. yesterday was
a shitty day from the bowels of HELL!!!!! and
today... well things dont seem so bad.. i have
been downloading sickeningly sweet songs.. about
love.. blah well.. its been an interesting day to
say the least.. i had a good chat w/ gail.. as per
usual.. she is sooo cool.. i really like working
w/ her... she doesnt get mad when i babble my
talk.. :) hmm.. whatelse??? i think she should be
getting paid more.. there's another piece of my
wisdom.. and of course i was talking w/ jay and we
wanna be smurfs... and we wanna live in smurf
land.. sounds good to me.. oh yeah.. some CUNT was
on scotsboys puter today.. i assume it was the
busty bitch.. i am suprised he took her home..
musta been a first.. ok.. enough anger.. zen..
zen.. *L ok..thats not working either....
regardless.. Dad is so cute.. haha.. we are
building the cold frames this weekend or at least
weed wacking.... guys who grunt that is the latest
joke.. haha... blah blah blah.. thats for all the
people that try to tell me how to talk... everyone
who doesnt like me.. can kiss my lily white
ass.. :) i have been stressing today a bit.. just
cause i am feeling kinda anty social lately... but
i am sure i'll feel better later.. cool lyrics of
the day..
you make me come... you make me complete.... you
make me completely miserable, byt Lit.... sweet
huh?? ok.. enough for now.. might come on later..
~C~




FEB .27/2000 It has been brought to my attention
that i only write negative things in my journal..
WEEEEELLL>> lets write something else today. cause
it was a really good day!!!! we looked at the yard
and we basically decided where my greenhouse is
going.. yippeee.. .we didnt build the cold
frames.. but we are going to some time this week..
then my green house will get underway.... I also
discovered that the balcony that i thought was
broken isnt.. and that its safe to walk on.. that
is great news.. i am going to make it my
summertime hang out.. its big enough for me to
sleep out there.. it will be great.. i can sleep
under the stars when its warm enough.. and i am
going to stick plants out there i think i am going
to make it my creative center.. but that wont be
happening til the summer. when its warmer out..
but i think its going to be a great place to read
my books, write and generally have quiet.. its
going to be sweeeeet.. i am going to ask Dad
persmission to paint it.. :) its going to be
great.. i have decided i really like the phone....
haha... besides that.. not much else is new.... i
guess the word is out that i went on a date w/ the
nice guy.. and he drooled on me.. it was pretty
ucky.. but hey .. you live you learn.... he is a
nice guy... just nothing is going to happen.. ok..
well this is good night.. signing off ~C~




March.02 hmm.. today has been a day of mixed
emotions.. and basically i wanted to beat the
living fuck out of my puter.. just cause i am
really frustrated.. the images i see in my mind
are never shown on my screen, no matter how hard i
work, no matter how much time i put in.. people on i
cq who like to give me their fucking lame assed
opinions on my page.. like i give a fucking
shit??? haha.. thats a joke.. obviously i dont ..
or i wouldnt write half the things i do.. and i
dont care if people cant read the font at the
top.. its a font I like. .so .. there!!! i have
found the perfect relationship song.. i know.. i
fall in love w/ a new song almost everyday..
well .. whats wrong w/ that???? and her name..
oi.. perfect this is .. "There you go, by PINK"
hey don't come around talkin' 'bout that you love
me cuz you loved those bitches before me I don't
wanna hear that you adore me and I know that all
you're doin' is runnin' your mind games don't you
know that game beats game so your best bet is to
be straight with me so you say you wanna talk,
let's talk if you won't talk, I'll walk yeah it's
like that I gotta new man, he's waitin' out back
now what? what you think about that? now when I
say I'm through, I'm through so basically I'm
through with you what cha wanna say? had to have
it your way, had to play games now you're beggin'
me to stay CHORUS: there you go, lookin' pitiful
just because I let you go there you go,
talkin' 'bout you want me back but sometimes it
be's like that there you go, talkin' 'bout you
miss me so that you love me so, I let you go now
look at you, there you go please don't come around
talk about how you changed how you said good-bye
to what's-her-name all it sounds like to me is new
game and I know I was right when I said I'd be
much better off without you had to get myself
around you cuz my life was all about you so you
say you wanna talk, I don't say you wanna change,
I won't yeah it's like that you had your chance,
won't take you back now what? what you think about
that? now when I say I'm through, I'm through so
basically I'm through with you what cha wanna say?
had to have it your way, had to play games now
you're beggin' me to stay CHORUS repeat don't you
wish you could turn the hands of time don't you
wish that you were still mine don't you wish I'd
take you back don't you wish that things were
simple like that, oh! didn't miss a good thing
till it's gone but I knew it wouldn't be long till
you came runnin' back missin' my love, there you
go CHORUS repeat
this song is classic of guys and their load of
shit.. they want what they cant have, then when
they realize what they really need. its gone..
*LOL* i love this song and feel its an anthem for
all break ups :) all the power to the girl pink..
not only is her name my fave color this girl has
the female equivalant of brass balls :) Today
wasnt a bad day per se.. it was just one of those
days where i accomplished nothing and really felt
it.. i talked to gyobam tonight. .and it felt
really good, i miss her terribly.... i started
crying.. i couldnt help it.. she is the one person
who really understands me.. and in my world that
is a rare thing, kudos to my bear.. who's b friend
came home like she said he would.. i had my
doubts.. i wish her all the best when she moves in
w/ him.. :) see?? some things do work out!!!my biz
idea is floating around and i really appreciate
all the help that lippy-boy gave me.. i am going
to edit his papers for him since he has been such
a peach.. always something sweet to say...of
course mr.niceguy(didums) is nice as ever making
me feel better.... and mr.uvic.. so very sweet....
god knows i love my rugby players... and of
course.. *LOL* rent (hah) whom makes me laugh my
ass off.. and not forgotten.. scuba boy.. who is
the funniest (bitch? J/K) on the face of this
earth.. and to him i say.. watch out for the thin
ones who turn fat.... i went on a tangent and
started ranting again.. boy i do that a lot..
about things today.. tomorrow i am planting some
seeds.. yup.. got the mini greenhouse planter to
stick on my balcony.. til i get my real greenhouse
up.. :) i am so excited about it.. today i
embarked on an old journey.. dancing naked around
my room.. now.. i dont do it often anymore.. but
once in awhile i let it all lose.. haha.. and
yes.. i am such a skippy, i didnt deal w/ b aka
the drooler.. i guess i should call or something..
but i really dont want to.. even in the hell i
reside .. a hell of my own making.. i am at least
up one thing i wasnt before.. being alone is ok
now.. i am so worried now.. if i am not in a
relationship it wont kill me... leather chaps..
*LOL* i dont know where that thought came from..
but boy i want some now.... red, leather chaps..
yum.. *LOL* god i am such a sick fuck.. its ok
tho... rc cola.. that topped the list of weirdness
i think.. or the guy in the patent leather red
dress.. hahaha.. regardless.. i bid you good night
~C~




March.07 things i HATE, people who say they will
call and dont, people who expect me to entertain
them and be perky all the fucking time.. i am not
some clown.. i know that people assume that i will
forgive them no matter how much they hurt my
feelings, but its not so.. i am tired and angry
right now! i planted some seeds today that is
good, but right now i dont give a flying FUCK.. i
dont care about anyone today.. its a day for me..
or was supposed to be.. i am going tutoring.. w/
out my dinner.. cause it never got made which is
fine.. i hope i dont PASS OUT when i tutor.. we
are writing his draft today.. its going to be a
big conflict i can tell.. he doesnt want to do it
and who can blame him? i mean its a shitty report
that probly is too advanced for kids in his grade
anyways.. how trite people are.. i am tired of all
this shit.. i am trying to get my life in order..
its just taking a long time...things i am tired of
include guys only being interested in the fact i
masturbate, like sex (even tho i never get any)
and guys in general.. if it wasnt dark i'd go
fucking run til i got all this anger out of me..
lucky kid i am tutoring.. he gets to work w/ me..
i am going to have to snap out of it.. cause it
wont be fair to him if i am in a pissy mood...my
personal quote for tonight "guys were born w/
dicks instead of brains", yup.. thats the quote..
i'll finish this fucking entry when i get back
from tutoring.... BAAACK... ok.. so i have calmed
down a lot.. i was royally pissed off earlier..
but now i am ok.. not much else to say.. i chilled
once i got to tutoring.. and the kids were good..
so alls well that ends well i guess.. night.. ~C~



March.08 (yes i wrote the date wrong) .. OK..
so.. i was in a bitchy mood today as well.. i know
i know.. its like... when isnt she in a bitchy
mood?sigh... i dunno.. i just dont feel
appreciated right now.. i am getting really
lonely.. ok.. its OK to be alone.. that i accept..
but i would really like to have someone to hold
right now. as lame as it sounds there it is.... i
am trying to be happy for this entry.. but i
really feel like crying to be honest.. scuba boy
called tonight, that made me feel pretty
thrilled.. we have so much fun when i talk errr...
when WE talk.. and of course mr.allpro called for
about 5 min... i am happy that the blonde is
working out... i should go to bed really soon, i
need to catch some sleep... i have decided to
start a bonsai.. but i need the equipment.. that
is really expensive.. maybe someone will buy me
some for my b day???? yeah right... i am already
starting to dread that day.. alone on my 20th... i
know that its going to end up like that.. oh
well.. what can i expect.. tomorrow is the
beginning of my new diet.. yes i know. i have said
it a billion times.. but this time its for real..
i have grown tired of me.. so its time for a
change.. before i go insane..... as i sit here
wearing my retainers contemplating my life or lack
thereof.. i wonder if i am one of those people who
will never find someone who really loves them.. i
know this is a lame thing to be thinking at almost
1 am.. on a wednesday night, but hey.. i am the
queen of lame.. so i guess i am allowed to...i
think people who commit self mutilation do it b/c
they are tired of themselves.. i mean obviously
its kinda wacko to do.. and ends up scaring you
forever.. but.. i can kinda understand... when i
was younger and thought.. who would really miss me
if i just ended my life.. who would really care...
i thought.. fuck everyone else.. i have stuff to
do here.. so suicide isnt an option.. just like
masturbation, suicide is a taboo topic.. like if
you think about it.. or talk about you, are either
trying to gain sympathy, or you are weak... well
fuck that.. i dont even know what the purpose of
life is.. if there is one.. if i will find it.. or
if maybe this is some kinda joke that aliens are
playing on us.. like puppets on strings.. dancing
to a tune.. i dont know anything right now.. my
insomnia is coming back.. and i am scared
shitless.. i dont have anyone to help me w/ it..
no darryl to talk to for hours, no friends at u
niversity to help me.... i cant help myself....
if anyone has any ideas on this shit... or any
suggestions on how to stop being lonely, or
anything productive to say... feel free to e mail
me.. and no porn please.. i have my own so thanks
but no thanks! if you are e mailing to ask me
about how i masturbate.. or what i look like..
feel free to fuck off :) signing off ~C~




March.09 ok.. i said i'd start the most recent
ones at the top.. god i am fugged up.. i didnt
even do it right.. FRICK>> oh well... today was a
GREAT day!!ok i was tired and felt pukey .. but
hey it was still great.. someone called me about a
job thats right.. and the people who run it are
very cool... even if things dont work out.. at
least i met some nice people here on Gabe.. so..
tomorrow is my first day.. its a trial run.. i am
lucky they are giving me a chance considering i
have no past experience . well. except self taught
stuff.. so i spent a couple hours perusing their
site.. checking it out.. looking at html and hex
coding...i gave them my site to look at.. christ..
i was walking down there when i realized what i
had done.. i am such a dumb fuck.. oh well.. at
least they thought it was amusing.. i have
volunteering at the recyclers then i have to go to
work.. yippeeeee... i am just so thrilled that
SOMEONE called from my sign.. that was my first
response.. i tutored today.. the kid is driving me
nuts.. he isnt doing his work.. this project is
going to take us forever and a day to do.. FUCK..
oh well.. i am doing my job.. and thats all that
matters.. its his choice if he wants to do bad..
not mine.. altho.. i have tried to inspire him to
learn.. for all the good it does me..i think that
Dad is impressed that i am trying to hard.. even
tho i am super nervous....like.. the sick feeling
of nervous.. blah.. oh.. i had chicken dogs w/
onions for dinner.. yum....tomorrow.. i am going
to have a full but i think great day!!! <----
wow.. exclamations.. HAHA... hmmm.. if i could be
any inanimate object.. i'd be pb.. my bear.. cause
he is super cute.. and mishappen.. and i love him
lots.. and i know that someone would love me that
much.. :) G'NITE ~C~




March.10 hmm.. still dont know about the job...
they havent called back.. they asked me if i knew
ftp.. and i got mixed up and thought it was
something else.. :( so now i bet they think i am a
total tard... oh well... something else will come
up i am sure...scuba boy has been calling me.. i
really like talking to him we have a lot of
fun.. :P mr.uvic seems to be really busy.. or
perhaps just disinterested.. which is fine i
guess.. doesnt matter much anymore.. i have been
brooding all day... thinking non stop.. this is
how my insomnia starts...i see visions of my own
biz dancing in my head...then i see the futility
of it... i dont feel understood.. perhaps all
people feel this way at one point or
another...sometimes i wonder if i push people
away.. just so that they dont reject me first..
seems like a pattern lately...any thoughts?
suggestions.. e mail me.. ~C~




March.12 *sings* ... wanna put my tender heart in
a blender watch it spin around to a beautiful
oblivion.. rendezvous then i'm through w/ you...
haha i love this song.. it rocks my universe.. be
beack later.. ~C~



March.13 .... no call from the job.. guess that
pretty much clinches it... nothing i can do.. just
be kinda sad.. my biz plans arent going anywhere..
i am filled w/ self doubt.. and trepidation..
talked to Roy today... might as well use his real
name.. and it just makes me feel so empty.. things
have changed.. and there is no going back.. just
the feeling of loss.. that lingers on days when i
am alone.. and feel the loss...i think that i am
losing myself.. or maybe i just havent actually
found myself.. who am i? i dont really know ....no
matter how many phone calls i get.. how many times
people tell me compliments.. i still dont think of
myself in these terms.. love.. the unatainable
fleeting feeling of europhia .. gliding. .. on a
cloud of security.. knowing that people care..
feeling accepted.. all of those things that i dont
feel.. abandonment.. insecure.. unwanted.. those
are feelings that poke through my skin.. like
shards of glass. scratching.. but never really
finding the point of entry.. was it b/c my father
only visited once every two years.. or that my own
grandmother fractured my nose.. was it b/c i grew
up too fast... was it b/c my family are all either
dry or wet alcholics.. is it b/c food is my
crutch? or b/c i fear my own freedom?i tire of
this image i portray.. this thing.. i have
become.. someone i dont know when i brave looking
in the mirror... i see my family .. i see
cowards.. liars.. people who betray for petty
reasons.. i see myself striving for myself.. for
the person i want to be.... when times were there
worst at university this song by lauryn hill got
me through..
here goes...
Everything is Everything Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be After winter, must
come spring Change, it comes eventually (2x) I
wrote these words for everyone Who struggles in
their youth Who won't accept deception Instead of
what is truth It seems we lose the game, Before we
even start to play Who made these rules? We're so
confused Easily led astray Let me tell ya that
Everything is everything Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring Everything is
everything I philosophy Possibly speak tongues
Beat drum, Abyssinian, street Baptist Rap this in
fine linen From the beginning My practice
extending across the atlas I begat this Flippin'
in the ghetto on a dirty mattress You can't match
this rapper / actress More powerful than two
Cleopatras Bomb graffiti on the tomb of Nefertiti
MCs ain't ready to take it to the Serengeti My
rhymes is heavy like the mind of Sister Betty L.
Boogie spars with stars and constellations Then
came down for a little conversation Adjacent to
the king, fear no human being Roll with cherubims
to Nassau Coliseum Now hear this mixture Where hip
hop meets scripture Develop a negative into a
positive picture Now, everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be After winter, must
come spring Change, it comes eventually Sometimes
it seems We'll touch that dream But things come
slow or not at all And the ones on top, won't make
it stop So convinced that they might fall Let's
love ourselves then we can't fail To make a better
situation Tomorrow, our seeds will grow All we
need is dedication Let me tell ya that, Everything
is everything Everything is everything After
winter, must come spring Everything is everything
Everything is everything What is meant to be, will
be After winter, must come spring Change, it comes
eventually
so.. there you go.. a great song.. w/ real
meaing.. not only does lauryn hill express herself
in such a succint beautifully worded way.. she has
the voice beyond any that exists.... tireless
hours of nothing are upon me.. never ceasing..
only increasing to deny me.. that which i enjoy
the most...words are in my head .. jumbles of
words.. trying to escape....i am going for now..
might be back later.. tutoring tonight.. (my oonly
income at the mo)... so... yeah... ~C~




March.14 MORE OF TODAY well ok.. sex is a topic
that lots of guys talk about w/ me.. and yes.. i
get all girly over emotional.. but i have had some
really good convo's w/ some great people of late..
like scuba boy.. who i think is one of the truly
nicest guys on the planet.. but can still be a
bitch and make me laugh my pants off.. and of
course i i appreciate all the compliments i've
been receiving lately.. my ego needs teh boost..
my icq has been acting up lately and messages have
not always been getting through... i have had lots
of .. I HATE YOU NOW messages and finally found
out why.. DAMMED icq... so... life isnt as bad as
it seemed earlier ~C~ (bad) ------> March 14..
guys who just want to get their dicks wet...
yup... offers of indescretion.. mingled w/ hints
of intimacy.. words of comfort offered to sooth g
uilty minds.. i receive these things a lot..
perhaps its my cynical mind, my need to
masturbate, that i share these things, i guess i
bring these situations onto myself.. the feeling
of hurt is one that floats around my soul..
there.. waiting.. to resurface... my need for a
special companion burns in my heart... but no one
is to be found.. perhaps my lot is to be alone..
and i should just do what my brain tells me..
instead of my emotional being. ~C~




March.15 .... being able to go up to a guy and
ask for his number... wow. that would be great..
scuba boy tells me that he manages to get girls
numbers all the time... i am impressed!tired of
being lonely.. thats on the top of my hate list
today.. and... yeah... my diet has officially
started.. i wish someone would ask me out.. just
once.. and be able to go out for fun.. just hang
out.. and not worry.. i need to find somoene who l
ives close to me.. my ideas are formulating.. i
think right now.. i just need to live and stop
worrying about 2 months down the road... i think
that everyone needs to feel adored.. and.. i need
that right now... ok.. enough.. i am getting
really depressed writing this.. bye ~C~




March.17 ... havent written in awhile.. just been
having a lot of thinking time... sb thought his
truck was stolen.. but it was only towed due to
parking tickets.. haha.. it was the wackiest story
i have heard in awhile.. we had a good talk tho..
he is so funny.. i already miss talking to
didums.. i feel guilty.. but what can i do? .. not
a whole lot...i was out of the masturbation saddle
for a couple days.. but i got my groove back..
thank the lord...tomorrow is another "fun filled"
day of anime... yippe.. ha.. hey.. someone had a
wet dream about me.. and yes.. i am flattered...
maybe other girls would be offended or even
grossed out, but no i!(even tho he wont tell me
details) you all know that song by the divynles???
haha.. yeah you do.. its so funny.. haha i am
listening to that... i have decided that i am not
going to concentrate on that whole "love" thing
right now.... just have friends and have fun
spending time w/ them.. i think its for the best..
a good friend told me that i need to just be young
and not stress. i think he is right.. anyways..




March.18 ... havent written in awhile.. just been
having a lot of thinking time... sb thought his
truck was stolen.. but it was only towed due to
parking tickets.. haha.. it was the wackiest story
i have heard in awhile.. we had a good talk tho..
he is so funny.. i already miss talking to
didums.. i feel guilty.. but what can i do? .. not
a whole lot...i was out of the masturbation saddle
for a couple days.. but i got my groove back..
thank the lord...tomorrow is another "fun filled"
day of anime... yippe.. ha.. hey.. someone had a
wet dream about me.. and yes.. i am flattered...
maybe other girls would be offended or even
grossed out, but no i!(even tho he wont tell me
details) you all know that song by the divynles???
haha.. yeah you do.. its so funny.. haha i am
listening to that... i have decided that i am not
going to concentrate on that whole "love" thing
right now.... just have friends and have fun
spending time w/ them.. i think its for the best..
a good friend told me that i need to just be young
and not stress. i think he is right.. anyways..




March.17 ... havent written in awhile.. just
been having a lot of thinking time... sb thought
his truck was stolen.. but it was only towed due
to parking tickets.. haha.. it was the wackiest
story i have heard in awhile.. we had a good talk
tho.. he is so funny.. i already miss talking to
didums.. i feel guilty.. but what can i do? .. not
a whole lot...i was out of the masturbation saddle
for a couple days.. but i got my groove back..
thank the lord...tomorrow is another "fun filled"
day of anime... yippe.. ha.. hey.. someone had a
wet dream about me.. and yes.. i am flattered...
maybe other girls would be offended or even
grossed out, but no i!(even tho he wont tell me
details) you all know that song by the divynles???
haha.. yeah you do.. its so funny.. haha i am
listening to that... i have decided that i am not
going to concentrate on that whole "love" thing
right now.... just have friends and have fun
spending time w/ them.. i think its for the best..
a good friend told me that i need to just be young
and not stress. i think he is right.. anyways..




SB back again!!! ~C~ isn't to happy with me having
access to her journal HA HA... deep inside, she
does!!! oh the secrets I hold, that only
Victorians want to know...I think that the best
way to a womans heart is through her ice cream...
goes to show what i know about women. ~C~ is a
cool chick... i'm not sure what concernes her
about me writing here. Perhaps that I will go on
and on about nothing and just piss the people off
that actualy enjoy reading this... and yes I do
call her too much. ~SB~ March 19th.. i call you
too
much, sb..told me that ..after he wrote in my
journal for me. *LOL* i cant tell how drunk he
was.. but i assume he was kinda out there.. very
cute tho.. i dont think i have had any sincere
compliments like that in a long time.. its weird..
but it is hard to accept them w/ humbleness and
grace.. its so easy i think fo ra lot of people to
say.. no.. thats not true.. but i think there are
times, you just need to say thanks and appreciate
it.. talked to Roy.. i dunno.. sometimes i
wonder... funny thing.. i was standing in the
kitchen w/ leesh and she says... hey you cold? and
i say.. a bit. my feet are.. and i look down and
my nipples were all hard... *LOL* i just smirked
and said.. i am not cold, just in a
constant state of arousal.. HAHAHAHAHAH... that
fixed her little red wagon.. but it took me like 5
min to figgure out what she was talking bout.. i
am such a dork...i watched the griz game cause sb
said he'd be there.. but i didnt see him....i went
out for lunch.. it was nice... i am crocheting my
blankie.. which is kinda fun :) its a rainbow of
mixed colours.. that are kinda coo.. haha.. i like i
t.. it will keep me warm :) since i dont have any
warm bodies to keep me comfy and warm at night :P w
ell, gotta go.. more company over today.. soo..
no more puter for me.. ~C~




March.20 .. as i sit here crying into my
keyboard i realize that being alone is the
crappiest feeling in the whole world.. and why do
i push people away when i really want to talk to
them??? PMS is the name of the game today folks..
i am not bitchy when i get pms.. i am emotional
tho.. i start crying a lot.. at dumb things, and i
have to apologize to sb. he knows why... and i
feel lonely and i hate this.. song of the
momentthat i love and think is the best one..
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special...
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here? I
don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

nuff said... ~C~



March.21 Song for today....
How does it feel to treat me like you do?
When you've laid your hands upon me
And told me who you are
I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me, how do I feel
Tell me now, How do I feel
Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They'll turn away no more
And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today
I see a ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortunes
I'd be a heavenly person today
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now, how should I feel
Now I stand here waiting...
I thought I told you to leave me
When I walked down to the beach
Tell me how does it feel
When your heart grows cold
March.21.. ok.. so.. another infatuation dies a
slow agonizing death.. BUT its ok.. i can move
beyond my need to strive for the unattainable....
not the biggest of deals really.. but good to know
how things are before one grows too attached to
someone...today i didnt do much.. just tutored..
but it was a pretty good day i'd have to say..
nothing terribly dramatic happened. the cramps
arent so bad.. and my 20th b day is rapidly
approaching.. there was mention of a.. gasp.. b d
ay party ARRRRRGGGGGHH>>>> no way.... no
parties... no celebrating the unwanted date..
sometimes i wish my mom had just bagged it..
FUUUUCK!!!!!!!oh well.. tomorrow is going to be a
fun filled day of gardening and working on the
master site... ok.. stuff to do.. ~C~
April.01.. 20 days left.. FUCK.. oh yeah.. people
dont change.. jaden is such an anally retentive
little bastard.. and i REALLy am mad about people
how talk about me behind my back.. these people
suck ass... so i had to leave uni cause of bad
grades.. but hey... lets just omit the fact that i
had a serious medical problem for my last
semester.. and the fact i wasnt sleepign and
depressed.. BUT hey.. who wants to hear the REAL
story???? no one.. cause that isnt interesting...
read this... You shut down when you're upset - you
basically just said that, and you give the silent
treatment in arguments - you don't deal with the
problem head on - we all don't to some degree,
you're big on avoiding it - look at the problem
you had dumping that guy.. ok.. now that was
annoying.. but i am glad we got some stuff cleared
away.. just gave out some good advice.. and got
some nice compliments in return.. emotionally
tired.. lonely and feeling unloved.. night.. C
April 02
well.. i had a good day today.. i gardened got
something done.. and called the job. .and they
havent started interviews yet... but they are
happy i called.. they said it was a good thing to
show i was interested.. so that is cool.. and what
else?? hmm..
my friend from uni called last night cheered me
right up.. had some really good convo's of late..
like i said yesterday.. resigned to the idea of
being alone for a while.. there are worse things..
rugby is on.. so
must go.... C
April 03
well well well.. its another day tutored.. and had
an ok time. .got paid yupppeee.. and my plants
are finally sprouting.. i am really impressed..
havent talked to sb in days.. wondering if i was
splooshed in favour of a bus girl.. *LOL* blah..
oh and i have a bitch.. officially.. but its a
shame its an online one.. but i have him in
training.. its really fun...i think being in
control is good!.. oh.. some poetry i wrote
today.. thought i'd add it on here

  sorrowful lust 
traces of graciousness
   masked by the authority 
coupled with tender
      affection
           of deeds
             unknown


whips 'n chains may brake my silence
but spanking never hurt me...


       cackling fires 
   blaze
       through lifes indifferent
shadows
      causing doubt 
in depths of 
           salvations... soul



causal indifference
     completes my indecision
          lust
met and sought 
    denial shadows 
all determination of craving

NIGht.. C
April 04
ok.. i really think i was sploooshed now.. its
like.. day 5.. :( spllooshed.. ME.. oh well.. not
much i can do about it.. anyways.. had a good day
today.. and tutored.. it was so cute the kid asked
me to go to his class on thurs. to watch his oral
presenation ... isnt that adorable???? got some
sick e mails.. eewwwww. nearly puked.. but i still
had to look.. its like a car crash.. anyways.. not
much else new.. so.. night C
April 05
ok.. i guess i havent been splooshed.. talked to
sb today.. nice i guess.. i dunno.. even tho i
admit that i really liked him before.. i have to
distance my feelings a bit.. i mean obviously we
are only friends.. but i have to think of us as
permantnet "just friends" we'll never be anymore..
getting into that mentality takes some work.. but
i think i can do it.. even tho i know he has been
sick and busy.. my feelings were still hurt b/c we
hadnt talked or even an e mail saying what was
going on.. christ.. whats my problem??? its not like i
own him.. or that we even have a
relationship of any kind beyondicq.. god. i have
slid right into the realm of lameness not that i
didnt have a foot in the door already...went out
to breakfast at allegro's and i went to the
library.. no books i wanted to take out tho...
recyclers was fun i spose.. found a nice red rugby
shirt.. and i got paid from tutoring.. i have been
mocked for liking rod stewart. .but i dont really
care what other people have to say...

BROKEN ARROW
(Robbie Robertson)


Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around


Do you feel what I feel

Can we make it so that's part of the deal

I gotta hold you in these arms of steel

Lay your heart on the line this time


I wanna breathe when you breathe

When you whisper like that hot summer breeze

Count the beads of sweat that cover me

Didn't you show me a sign this time


Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain
T
here he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning my whole world around, around


Do you feel what I feel

Do you feel what I feel

Ah can you see what I see

Can you cut behind the mystery

I will meet you by the witness tree

Leave the whole world behind


I want to come when you call

I'll get to you if I have to crawl

They can't hold me with these iron walls

We got mountains to climb, to climb


Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow

Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain

There he goes moving across the water

There he goes turning  my whole world around

turning my whole world around

turning my whole world around

turning my whole world around

i really like this song a lot.. its sweet... so..
on this note.. i'm off.. C

April 06
today was a good day :) all around i had fun
and i feel pretty good. went to town and visited
bear and we went to the gym, worked out for a
couple hours,went for a car ride.. i really like
doing that..had a good dinner. a taco salad.. and
we went out again.. she dropped me off .. came
home.. went onlinedid my training session for
today.. got a message fromsb.. :) he is a good
guy.. and talked to didums.. andbruiser and all
the other cool people on my list.. got the
necklace bruiser made me :) its great and..yeah..i
am off to bed.. night all :) C
April 07
why do people say things to you.. just to hurt y
ou? and see your reaction?? i dont understand...
i was always taught that if you show your hurt
then people will just come back for more. its
rapidly
approaching the evil day.. 2 weeks
exactly.. i found out i didnt get the job.. and it
really bothered me.. but there isnt anything i can
do.. i still want the post office job.. but who
knows?? i am feeling like such a loser.. yesterday
was such a good day.. and today.. crap.. i guess i

just need to listen to some good music and
forget about liking people (being in denial about
it) and all of the other crap.. they are
teaching belly dancing here on gabe.. i think i
might sign up... might be fun... who knows.. ???
doing gardening tomorrow i think.. fuck.. MOTHER
FUCKING.. grrr.. ok.. i'll finish this later..
when i am in a better mood. (hopefully)
April 08
soooo.. last night went to bears... stayed
overnight.. and watched t.v til 5 am.. we went out
today and just drove around.. it was fun... going to bed..
night.. C