I wish he'd hurry and come back to end my suffering. Maybe then the nightmares would end. Oh. how greedy the heart is. There is 2 sides to everything, including the heart. I want nothing but the best for him. I want him to be happy and enjoy life but then again I wish things wouldnt work out with his gf and that is the wish that is winning this battle and tyring to take over my heart. I can tell, especally in my dreams each night. Just beucase hes no longer with his love doesnt mean he'l come to me, give me a chance. That he'd instead fall for me but n my dreams thats the case and I'm so happy. Happniess I havnet felt for so very long. Happss I'd forgotten existed once, what seems like an eterinty ago. But its not happniess I feel when I awake. The tears arent those of happiness at all. I'm losing this battle. If he was her isnt together anymore when he returns he'll be in so much pain like I was, yet again what seems like an eterinty ago and seems ever lasing. My heart,in reailty, craves for his pain. My heart still thinks that he'll be mine after a short time and he'd be happy with me. This is want causes me much pain. I wish he'd hurry and end this, I need to know that everything is ok, that they're still together. Its so hard to bare all this.And again I am alone.
I love him, but I must only from afar. I cant be like this. This greed is sin if any truly exist. For this I hate myself. I hate myself for not being stronger, I hate myself for giving in.
June 26 2005