
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowlin owes the
characters, I’m just borrowing
Chapter 1:
From Past to Present
Professor Hermione Granger made her way
to the Great Hall through the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardy. She was running a bit late and the corridors were already deserted.
Most students and teachers were already in the Great Hall having breakfast.
This was her second year as Potions
teacher at Hogwarts. After her seventh year she gone to the Wizard University
of Scotland, were she had graduated four years later, magna cum laude. Her
major subject had of course been Potions.
After graduation she had briefly
wondered what to do with her life now, but then Dumbledore had send her an owl,
asking her to become Potions teacher at Hogwarts. She had been surprised to say
the least, but agreed to see him. Over a cup of tea in his office he had
explained the situation to her.
Voldemort had still not been defeated.
True, he had kept a low profile for quite some time now, but that only
increased Dumbledore’s worries. “I believe that he is still forming allies and
making plans”, he explained to her. “Eventually he will unite his allies and
followers and strike with one major attack, attempting to conquer our wizarding
world. When that time comes, I need the best wizards and witches to stand up
against him. And that is why I need you on the post of Potions teacher at
Hogwarts”.
It was needles to say that she was
flattered, even honoured by his offer. Still, one thought tugged on her mind.
“What about Professor Snape?” she asked.
Dumbledore had smiled over his spectacles
and said, “I believe it is time to appoint Severus to position of Defence
Against the Dark Arts teacher”.
And so she had become Potions teacher at
Hogwarts. She loved being back at her old school. The atmosphere in the Great
Hall during dinner and breakfast, the wonderful castle with it’s moving
staircases, the four-poster bed in her room and working alongside the people
she had respected a big part of her life, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall,
Filius Flitwick, Hetty Sprout and Severus Snape.
Her friends Harry and Ron had been
ecstatic when they heard she’d become a teacher. Harry was an Auror now. The
training had been very hard, but the further he got, the more he had become
convinced that this was what he wanted to be. He was engaged to Dunya Tonks,
Nymphodora’s youngest sister. Tonks (she still wouldn’t allow people to call
her by her first name) had married Remus
Lupin. They had a one year old son called Sirius.
Neville Longbottom had become an Auror
as well. He worked a lot together with Harry. Ron worked for the Ministery of
Magic on the department of Magical Sports. He thoroughly enjoyed it. Standing
in the shadows of others for the most part of his life, he was now at his best
at a job he was good at. Her frequent owling with Ginny kept informed at the
latest developments of his love life. Apparently he was currently dating a
Veela.
Hermione entered the Great Hall, which
was buzzing with noise. Hundreds of students chatting over homework, the next
Quidditch match or the next Hogsmede trip. Hermione sat down at her usual place
between at the Staff Table, between Hetty Sprout and Filius Flitwick.
“Did you sleep well dear?” Filius
inquired, while he filled his plate with slices of bread and bacon. Hermione
had often wondered how such a tiny man could eat such enormous amounts of food.
“I did, thank you”, she answered him.
Next to Filius sat Albus Dumbledore. His beard was even longer and there were
more lines in his face. ‘He’s getting old’, Hermione mussed, while buttering
her sandwich. But he was still the only wizard Voldemort had ever feared.
Next to Dumbledore sat Minerva
McGonagall. She had been her tutor during her first year of teaching. Her
experience and advice had helped Hermione to become a capable and respected
teacher. Apart from being her teacher and colleague, Minerva had also become a
good friend. She was not only a very wise and powerful witch, she was also
extremely funny. A side Hermione had never known when she was a student.
Next to her sat Professor Charlie
Weasley, the Care of Magical Creatures teacher. Hagrid had left Hogwarts. He
had married Olympe Maxime and worked now for the Ministry of Magic as a contact
person for the giants.
Next to Charlie sat Severus Snape.
Hermione sighed inwardly. During her last year at Hogwarts as a student she had
asked Snape for extra potions lessons in order to achieve outstanding marks.
Reluctantly he had agreed. During those private lessons he had never given her
a compliment, not even when she had the potion exactly right. He had always
been cold an full of criticism, telling her were she could improve herself. In
the end her hard work had paid off well. Her Professors at Scotland University
had been impressed by her knowledge of potions.
Although Hermione never had loathed
Snape as much as Harry and Ron had done, she had never liked him either. Until
that event at the end of her fourth year, when she had seen him… After that the
fear had gone and was replaced by deep respect.
During her years at Scotland University she
had come to appreciate what he had taught her. And her feelings had changed
from respect and admiration of his skills into something more. Could it be
love?
Then she had meet him again at Hogwarts.
His attitude towards her still hadn’t changed. At first he had been suspicious,
but she had proven to him that she could handle her students and teach them how
to brew potions. Slowly his suspiciousness had subside. But hid attitude never
changed. He was polite to her, but also cold and distant. Very Snapeish.
Throwing a glance at her watch, Hermione
saw that it was five minutes for nine. Hastily she shoved the last bit of
sandwich in her mouth and headed for the dungeons.
Chapter 2;
Severus Snape made his way to his living
quarters at Hogwarts. He placed his books and parchments on his desk and sat
down in his armchair by the fire. Today
had been one of those days.
The third year Gryffindors had been
buzzing with excitement because their first Hogsmede trip was due next weekend.
He’d ended up taken fifty pints from Gryffindor. Minerva McGonagall would not
be pleased.
Then he had spend two hours trying to
get the fifth years’ Hufflepuffs up to OWL level. If any of them would pass
their exam with an ‘acceptable’ he swore to himself, he would laugh out loud in
the Great Hall.
To top it all he’d found out during the
afternoon that this years first years’ Slytherins were the stupidest students
he ever had misfortune to teach.
Sighing deeply he sat back and closed
his eyes for a moment. Deep down inside him he knew that he wasn’t in a foul
mood because of his students. True, they had been annoying, but they had been
annoying for the past twenty years.
The real reason for his anger was of
course Voldemort. After Voldemort had risen for the second time, now nine years
ago he had spend five years working as a spy for the Order of the Phoenix.
Attending to Death Eater meetings, pretending to play along. But after five
years Voldemort had suddenly disappeared again. He had retrenched to Albany and
no-one knew what his plans were.
For three precious years, life had been
quiet, almost peaceful. No more Death Eater meetings, no longer acting as a
double agent. The Dark Mark on his arm had faded. And he felt himself unwind a
little, just a little.
Until a year ago. One night the Dark
Mark on his arm had burned fiercely again. Voldemort had summoned his Death
Eaters. He had apparated on his side immediately and so did the other Death
Eaters.
Voldemort had told them he had a plan.
He would not give many specific details, but he promised them that a year from
now, he, Voldemort would rule the Wizarding World.
Of course he had immediately contacted
Dumbledore, who had taken the news with resignation. “I’ve been expecting
this”, he told him, “the final battle will come soon”.
From that day on, Death Eater meetings
were held on a regular basis again. He attended every single one of them,
passing the information he learned to the Order of the Phoenix.
The meetings became more and more
horrible. Voldemort was on the edge, going almost insane with his thirst for
power. Violence had become a standard part of every meeting. Severus felt that
the constant strain was demanding it’s toll. He was tired of the war, tired of
the fear. For as long as he could remember he was fighting against Voldemort.
He felt as if half of his life has wasted away already and that he was running
out of chances to live the life he truly wished for.
There was also another thing that was
bothering him greatly. Every time he let his mind wonder he saw the vision of
two big, hazel eyes.
Hermione Granger…
She had become Potions teacher after he
had became Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. She was an excellent Potion
brewer, he’d made sure of that personally. He had given her extra lessons in
her seventh year. Of course he hadn’t been kind or supportive. She was a
Gryffindor after all and he had to pretend to dislike Gryffindors. But he had
been able to stimulate her to achieve her full potential and in the end she
had.
What she never knew was that he wrote a
recommendation letter for her to the Wizard University of Scotland,
recommending her in the highest praises. He had felt an odd sense of pride when
he heard that she had graduated with top marks.
Then she had come to teach at Hogwarts.
He had got the shock of his life when he saw her after four years. She was no
longer a schoolgirl. She had grown into a young, very attractive woman. The
first evening he had been unable to take his eyes of her.
Afterwards he had scolded himself
inwardly. ‘You fool! You are at war. You have an obligation to the Order. There
is no room for stupid, lovesick behaviour. And even if there wasn’t Voldemort
to worry about, have you taken a good look at yourself in the mirror lately? She could never possibly be interested in you!’
From that evening on he had worn a cold
mask whenever he was near her. At first he worried about her. Would she be able
to handle her classes? But due to the fact that Minerva McGonagall was tutoring
her and that she was one of the most talented witches that had ever attended
Hogwarts, everything went fine.
She teached the students according to
the same high standards as he did. And he loved her even more for it.
Chapter 3:
Words Like Daggers
Hermione let out an inward sigh of
relief when the fourth years Slytherins left her classroom. Thank Goodness that
was over! She didn’t have any troubles with her classes. Only this lot.
Apparently they seemed to be under the impression that they didn’t have to
listen to a Muggle- born Professor. They had become more and more rude and
uncontrollable over the past few weeks. She had taken points from Slytherin,
gave out detentions and talked sternly to the class, but it hadn’t worked. Now
there was only on option left. She had to talk to the head of Slytherin House.
* * *
Severus was just about to start on his
dessert when a large, black owl dropped a letter in front of him. Leaving
dessert for what it was he took the letter and made his way down to his living
quarters. Sitting down on his armchair he unfolded the letter and began to
read.
Snape,
It may have escaped the notice of other Death Eaters, but you are not
clever enough to fool me or my son.
You are unfaithful to the Dark Lord. You are not as loyal and committed
as you ought to be.
Take this as a warning, you might want to take a little more effort in
serving our Master or you suffer the consequences of your lack of loyalty.
Lucius Malfoy
Anger bolted up inside. How dare he? How
dare this filthy, big headed piece of scum
interfere with his plan?
He knew perfectly well that Lucius
Malfoy didn’t suspect anything about his double agentship for the Order of the
Phoenix. It was just his way of egging him on, making him feel uncomfortable.
Malfoys jealousy and spite was another reason he had become to dread the Death
Eater meetings.
And apart from that, in a way Malfoy was
dangerous. If he pointed out to Voldemort that he thought he was being
disloyal, Voldemort was bound to take more notice of him and that was precisely
the thing he tried to avoid. Fresh waves of fury washed over him. He felt he
was at the end of his strength. He had given everything he had to give to the
Order and still it wasn’t enough. People asked more of him, they were pushing
him on. The burden on his shoulder became almost impossible to bear.
A knock on his door made him look up.
“What?” he snapped. The door opened and Hermione walked in. Another wave of
fury hit him. Because of Voldemort, because of this whole ordeal, he had to
conceal his true feelings for her. Even this bit of private happiness was not
allowed.
The anger and most of all the grief over
his wasted life rose from his stomach to his throat, forming a big lump. It had
to come out, it needed to be released and he took it out on the closest person
present.
“What is it?” he asked again, cold fury
clearly in his voice.
“I’ve wanted to talk to you about the
fourth years’ Slytherins”, Hermione said tentatively.
The timid tone of her voice angered him
even more, it didn’t suit her. “What about them?” he snarled.
“They are out of control”, she told him,
“their behaviour is rude and disobedient. I’ve given them warnings and
detention, I’ve taken housepoints, but they just seem to think they don’t have
to listen to a word I say”.
“And that’s why you’ve come whining to
me for”, he scolded at her. The anger was pouring out of him like hot lava, he
was barely aware of what he was saying. “Don’t you think I have more important
things on my mind?
Where are your brains, stupid girl? If
you can’t control your class, then don’t be a teacher! You should be strong and
consequent, instead of a weak, wailing child. But then again, I should not have
expected more from a Mudblood!”
A ringing silence felt between them.
Hermione had gone deadly pale. She felt she was shivering all over her body and
she fought her tears back. She was not going to cry. She would not give him the
satisfaction of seeing her cry. She merely said, “I can see now were your
students got their attitude from”. And with those words she turned and left.
He wanted to do something. Call her
back, apologise, but somehow his body refused to take orders from his mind. He
stood there motionless, watching as she left the room and shut the door behind
her. Then he sat down in his armchair and buried his face in his hands.
Chapter 4:
Hermione spend a long, bothered night
lying awake and reliving her encounter with Severus over and over again. When
the fury of his injustice and harsh response had subside, she allowed room to
her feelings of grief.
She thought he respected her, that he,
after all those years proving to him that she was capable and trustworthy, saw
her as an equal. But the events of this afternoon had proven how wrong she was.
He still saw her as a silly schoolgirl, incapable of teaching. And what hurt
her even more, he didn’t see her as a witch. Mudblood… the mere word made her
insides burn with anger. From the first day she had come to Hogwarts she had
known about the attitude of Slytherin House towards Muggle borns. Part of the
reason why she has worked so hard all these years and had been so keen on
receiving high marks was because she wanted to prove to them that a Muggle born
witch was worthy of studying magic.
And besides the anger and the grief a
feeling of uncertainty began to rise inside her. Was Severus right after all?
Should she have dealt with the class on her own? Had it been wrong asking him
for help? Was there any truth in his accusations? Did she make him lost all
respect for her by this one movement? The thought of him no longer respecting
her made her stomach clench. His approval, his regard meant so much to her.
After what she saw of him in her fourth year…
* * *
Flashback
Softly she made her way to the Hospital Wing. It was a day after the
events of the Triwizard Tournament. Harry was still in the Hospital Wing,
recovering from the shock. She almost couldn’t breath as she thought of what he
must have gone through. She wanted to be there for him.
Carefully she opened the door of the Hospital Wing. Then she heard
voices. Madame Pomfrey was in a right state. “Merlin’s beard Severus! What… ?
This is worse then I ever…”
Severus Snape was lying on a hospital bed. His black robes were torn and
his face was very seriously beaten.
Unable to tear her eyes apart from the scene in front of her she watched
how Madame Pomfrey removed the clothes from his body. The state of the rest of
his body was even worse. Blood and cuts covered him, his chest was almost one,
large open wound. His head was on the pillow and his eyes were closed.
Madame Pomfrey began to heal him and she heard stuffed moans coming from
him. She gasped involuntarily. Suddenly he lifted his head and opened his eyes.
He looked straight into hers. Two black pools, filled with pain.
Quickly she shut the door.
* * *
That image had stayed with her for
months. Later she learned of what he had done for the Order. He had been
regularly beaten and tortured, but is was never as bad as on his first night
back. Voldemort had almost killed him, testing his loyalty until he almost
broke. Punishing him for his betrayal. Her hate had vanished and was replaced
by deep respect for the sacrifice he had made.
Hermione turned to an other side for
what must have been the thousands time that night. She dreaded the morning. How
would he act around her?
* * *
Hermione wasn’t the only one who had a
bad night sleep. Severus didn’t even bother to go to bed that night. He sat in
his armchair watching the flames in the fire. The argument with Hermione had
gone in a blaze. He didn’t even remembered what he had said to her. He
remembered vaguely calling her stupid and weak. What stood clear in his mind
though was that he had called her a Mudblood.
He cringed every time he thought of it.
How could he have done it? The only person he cared for more
than life itself. He had scolded her, insulted her and probably hurt her
in the worst way possible.
Feelings of guilt and self disgust
washed over him again and again. How could he have done this to her? And how
was he ever going to make up for it? He knew that the anger that he had kept
inside for so long was bound to come out sometime. But why did Hermione have to
be the one he’d taken it all out on?
Why hadn’t he been able to control his
anger? ‘She will never look at me again’, he thought desperately, remembering
her pale, hurt face and the tears in her eyes. He cringed again and a fresh
wave of guilt hit him.
At least there was one thing he could do
for her. He was going to shout so hard at the fourth years Slytherins that
afterwards they wouldn’t dare to blink in her class without permission.
Chapter 5:
The next morning, Hermione continued to
stare at her plate, during breakfast. She had dared to steal one glance at the
former Potions Master, but saw that he was
just his old, distant self again. ‘He doesn’t even care’, she thought
outraged. ‘He has probably forgotten all about it’. She wished she was that
lucky. His insults still rang in her ears. She felt ashamed and furious every
time she thought of it. ‘But I will not let him know how much he has hurt me’,
she thought determinedly, fighting back her tears, ‘he will never know’.
Meanwhile, Severus was moving his food
around on his plate, unable to eat and desperately trying to maintain his
normal composure. He didn’t dare meet
Hermione’s eyes, afraid of the loathing he would undoubtedly see in them. He
simply wished he could relive the past twenty- four hours again. Abandoning all
pretence of eating he got to his feet and left for his class room The fourth
year Slythterins were the first class this morning. And they were about hell to
pay.
* * *
Hermione opened the door of her private
quarters and dropped her bag in the corner. Walking over to the fire she
started to brew the potions for next days class.
When she had first came to Hogwarts as a
teacher she had asked for the possibility to brew her potions in her own rooms.
She preferred working in her own environment above working in her teachers
office.
The last two weeks had been terrible.
She had tried to avoid Severus as much as possible. Breakfast, lunch and dinner
were turning into a daily torture. She felt the stress of this whole ordeal was
beginning to ate her from inside.
A knock on the door made her look up.
“Come in”, she called out. The door opened to reveal Minerva McGonagall. She
hadn’t changed much since Hermione had been a student. She still was a very
powerful witch and a highly respected teacher. “What can I do for you,
Minerva”, Hermione asked.
Minerva waved her hand absently. “I was
just passing by to see how you are doing?”
“Oh…”, Hermione said, taken aback, “I’m
fine, everything is going smoothly, as usual actually…” She fell silent under
the elder woman’s piercing gaze.
“What’s really going on, Hermione?”
Minerva asked kindly.
Hermione shook her head, “It’s nothing
really, it’s just… it’s…”
“It’s Severus, isn’t it?” Minerva
finished for her.
Hermione looked at her in surprise. “How
did you know that?” she asked softly.
“Well”, Minerva answered with a tiny
smile around her lips, “Charlie Weasley has been complaining. He says it is
almost impossible to breathe, while sitting between the two of you, lately”.
Hermione flushed. “We had an argument,
she explained.
“About what?” Minerva asked.
“Ther fourth year Slytherins were
behaving pretty badly”, Hermione told her. “I went to see Severus to speak to
him about it, but he got angry and said that I had to deal with my classes
myself”.
“Or, in other words, he took his bad
temper out on you?” Minerva asked with raised eyebrows.
“Sort of”, Hermione shrugged.
“You know”, Minerva said slowly,
choosing her words carefully, “it has been my believe for some time now that
Severus is carrying a burden beyond his strength. I think his work for the
Order is getting to much…
I don’t think you should take anything
he said personally”.
“Maybe you are right”, Hermione said
quietly. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that Severus had called her a
Mudblood. Knowing Minerva, she would be furious. It felt like betraying him.
But it was exactly why she felt that this whole argument was personal. She
didn’t believe it was just Severus cracking under the pressure. It was Severus
showing his true feelings. Showing how much he disliked her.
* * *
Severus stared out the windows of his
office. It was November now and the grounds around Hogwarts were covered in
white snow. The lake was frozen and students were skating on it.
He looked at a small figure, walking
towards the Forbidden Forrest, wearing a thick black cloak and a red scarf.
‘Hermione…’, he sighed deeply. Their relationship was like the weather. Frozen
cold. He knew he had to apologise to her in order to make things right. If he
could ever make them right. He had no idea what to say to her. The only way he
could make his apology sound convincing was if he told her about his feelings.
And that was the last thing he wanted to do. He would not been able to stand it
if she laughed at him, or worse, pitied him.
If only… If only there was no Voldemort.
If only there was no twenty years of age- difference between them. If only he
was not a Death Eater… Summoning all his courage he made his way down to the
Entrance Hall and waited for her.
Hermione walked inside the Entrance Hall
and saw Severus standing there. She decided to ignore him and walk pass him as
soon as possible. But his voice held her back. “Professor Granger, may I have a
moment of your time, please?”
She turned to face him. “Certainly,
Professor Snape” and followed him to a silent corner.
He noticed that snowflakes dangled in
her hair and a few of them even caught in her eyelashes. He found them highly
distracting. He wanted to gather her in his arms and tell her how he felt about
her. Suddenly all those reasons that had held him back the past year and a half
didn’t matter anymore. All he cared about was her. All he wanted was to be with
her.
But somehow, the words, exactly formed
in his mind would not come out of his mouth. All those years of concealing his
true emotions for the people around him were asking it’s toll. He was a true
Occlumens. He could not speak out his feelings. He briefly remembered telling
Harry Potter once that those who were unable to control their emotions and
expressed them were weak. Now he found himself weak for not being able to
express them.
In an odd voice that didn’t quite sound
like his own he said, ‘I would like to apologise for my behaviour a fortnight
ago. I realise I may have harsh with you and you would be pleased to know that
I have spoken to the fourth years”.
It sounded lame and insincere, even to
his own ears. Hermione’s expression was unreadable. “Thank you Professor
Snape”, she said only and left.
‘He didn’t mean a single word of it. He
was just put up to say this. Probably by Dumbledore or Minerva”, hammered it
inside Hermione while she made her way to her private quarters. ‘He might as
well have said nothing’, she thought, tears streaming down her face, while she
sat down on the bed, ‘this has only made things worse’.
And Severus felt the same way.
Chapter 6
Turn to You
Pain shoot trough his entire body. Blood
dripped from his face on his robes. Carefully he took of his mask, wincing in
pain. It stuck to his wounds, because of all the dried blood. The wound at his
side was he worst one. He had pressed his hand against it on the way back to
the castle, to prevent it from too much bleeding His insides still burned from the curses, his
bones were still shaken. All he wanted was to lie down on his bed and sleep.
This Death Eater meeting had been the worst since the time he came back nine
years ago.
Malfoy had talked and the Dark Lord had
tested his loyalty. It had demanded all his strength to keep his defences up,
to keep his mind clear from dangerous thoughts. To hide his true identity to
Voldemort. So he had not been able to fight of the curses. Each of them had hit
him hard, leaving him shaking in pain, more dead than alive.
A wave of nausea overcame him as he
entered the Entrance Hall and he stopped
form a moment. He knew he needed medical treatment, or the wound would get
infected. He was half way to the Hospital Wing when he suddenly stopped dead in
his tracks. He had forgotten. Poppy was away. She had left the previous day to
visit a relative. It was in the middle of the night, the castle was dark and
quiet, everyone was asleep. A feeling of desperation washed over him. He felt
so tired and weak.
Then a thought flashed through his mind.
Hermione… she would be able to help him. She was a wonderful Potion brewer and
she knew enough healing spells to cure him. But as soon as the thought had
entered his mind he dismissed it. Hermione wouldn't want to help him. Not after
what he had done to her, after the way he had treated her. Maybe he could take
care of the wound himself and get some sleep. Suddenly he felt dizzy and the
corridor started to spin in front of him. He waited until it passed. There was
no other choice left, he had to see Hermione, or he would drop unconscious on
the cold corridor. He only hoped she would understand.
Slowly and difficulty he began to make
his way upstairs. Her private chambers were on the second floor. After he had
become Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher his office had moved to the second
floor were the Defence Against the Dark Arts class was. But his living quarters
were still in the dungeons. As a result, Hermione lived on the second floor and
had her office in the dungeons.
After what seemed an eternity he reached
her rooms. Summoning his last strength he knocked on the door, praying she
would wake, praying she would open, because he didn’t have the strength to move
anymore.
Just as the door opened another wave of
nausiosness hit him and he leaned against the doorframe for support. Vaguely he
noticed that she was wearing silk pyjamas in a deep red colour. He tried to say
something, but the words somehow didn’t came out.
Hermione’s eyes widened in shock as she
looked at his beaten form. Then comprehension dawned on them. Without saying a
word she wrapped an arm around his waist. He allowed some of his weight to lean
on her shoulder. She guided him through her living room to her bedroom.
“Lie down”, she said softly, the first
words she spoke since his entering.
“Blood… everywhere…” he groaned with
difficulty, “your sheets…”
“Lie down, Severus!” she said a bit more
firmly this time. He gave in and lied down on the bed, sinking his head into
the pillow, allowing his limbs to relax a little. Her bed was still warm.
Hermione sat down beside him and carefully took of his robes and shirt.
When his wounds were revealed she stared
at them for a moment. “Death Eater meeting?” she asked.
“The Dark Lord wanted to test my
loyalty… they stabbed me first… the other Death Eaters”, Severus began
hoarsely. “Then he… the Dark Lord… cast the Cruciatus on me… I fell… they
kicked and beat me… but nothing serious…”, he closed his eyes, trying to shut
the images out.
“Cruciatus on an open wound”, Hermione
repeated. Quickly she checked the cuts and bruises on his head and arms. “You
are right, the wound on your side is the most serious”.
She took her wand from the nightstand
and cast in quick order and diagnostic- spell, a sedative- spell, a cleansing-
spell and a bandage- spell. “I need to brew a Potion that will decrease the
effects of the Cruciatus Curse”, she told him, “I’ll be right back”.
She left and he assumed she had gone to
the dungeons, but then he heard her moving around in her living room. ‘She must
of have a workstation here’, he thought. The effects of the sedative began to
work. He felt better now that the blood and most of the pain was gone. ‘But how
did she know about the Death Eater meeting?’ he wondered, ‘and how did she know
Death Eater meetings could result in… this?’
After fifteen minutes she returned,
holding two goblets. She placed one of them on the bed stand. Then she helped
him sitting up and supported his back. Carefully not to spill the Potion he
drank it. Then he lied back again. He felt his insides calming down. The
burning of his bones slowly decreased.
“We’ll have to wait a few more minutes”,
Hermione said softly, “then I will be able to cast the healing spells”. He
nodded to her. She placed the empty goblet on the bed stand and sat back on the
bed again. She watched him for a long moment, then she asked. “How often does
this happen?”
“More and more often”, he told her,
unable to lie to her, “the Dark Lord is becoming insane”. On seeing her shocked
expression he added reassuringly, “It’s not this bad every time, but yes,
violence is more and more part of the meetings”.
“How can you stand it”, Hermione asked
horrified.
“It has to be done”, he answered simply.
“Hermione”, he paused for a second,
realising he had just called her by her first name for the first time, “How did
you know about the Death Eater meetings and the… violence?”
She smiled sadly at him. “I saw you.
After you came back from that first meeting, nine years ago. I wanted to visit
Harry, but when I walked into the Hospital Wing… I saw you. And I realised what
you had done”.
His eyes widened in surprise. “You really
were there”, he whispered softly. That memory that had been plaguing his mind
for the past years, not knowing if it was a memory or a dream. “I thought I’d
you saw there, but I didn’t know for sure…”
“I was there”, she repeated softly.
He reached out and grasped her hand.
“Hermione”, he began, “you should know, when I yelled at you two weeks ago…”
She pulled her hand back and silenced
him gently. “Not now, Severus”, I need to heal you first and you need to
sleep”. She took her wand again and started to utter spells. She healed his
broken ribs, closed the wound and healed the cuts and bruises on his face.
After she was sure she had healed all his injuries she took the other goblet
from the nightstand. Helping him to sit up again, she brought the goblet to his
lips. “Here”, she said softly, ‘it’s an Dreamless Sleeping Potion”. Gratefully
he took it and soon he felt exhaustion and sleep overtook him.
The last thing he saw before he fell
asleep was Hermione, sitting close to him, watching over him as a guardian
Angel.
Hermione watched the face of the
sleeping man in front of her. He had suffered so much. Again. She had been
shocked beyond words when she had opened the door. She had expected anyone,
except him. She had expected anything, but not the state he was in. Hate washed
over her as she thought of the creature, she would not call him human, who had
done this to the man she loved. Cruciatus on an open wound…It was a miracle he
had survived. And then he had made his way back to the castle, hurt and alone.
Minerva’s words came back to her. “It is
my believe for some time now that Severus is carrying a burden beyond his
strength”. How could anyone possible endure this all? How could he have endured
this for the past nine years? She felt guilty for every bad thing she had ever
said or thought about him, now she fully understand how dark and full of pain
his life was.
Another feeling grew inside her. Joy. He
had come to her. When he was hurt and in pain he had come to her for help. She
knew perfectly well that if Poppy had been here, he would have gone to her. But
still, when she had been unavailable, he had turned to her. She had not lost
all his respect. Even if she had made a mistake in turning to him for help with
her classes.
She checked the wound on his side. It
had healed well, the curse had not effected it. And thanks to the Dreamless
Sleep Potion he slept peacefully. ‘How can he stand this’, she thought again.
They had kicked and beat him, but he had said it was nothing serious.
Voldemorts’ violence must be normal for him. His chest was covered in small
scars and another rush of hate towards Voldemort washed over her again.
‘Now he knows I have seen him that
night, nine years ago’, she mussed while covering him with the blankets. She
had never known for certain if he had seen or recognised her that night. He had
never made any indication that had. She would never forget the look in his eyes
then. So full of pain and sadness. Like the whole weight of the world rested on
his shoulders. The same look had been there tonight. He was indeed carrying a
burden beyond his strength.
She sat down on the side of the bed
again. She would stay awake tonight, making sure he was all right.
* * *
He woke around seven o’clock the next
morning. It took him a few seconds to realise were he was. Then the memories
came rushing back to him. The Death Eater meeting, the curse, turning to
Hermione, Hermione taking care of him… Then his eyes focussed on the woman
sitting on the bed in the same position as the night before.
“Did you stay here all night?” he asked
incredulously.
“Yes”, she answered only. Then she
asked, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine”, he replied truthfully, “a little
sore, but the pain is gone”. He looked around him for a clock. “What time is
it?”
“A little past seven”, she answered.
He tried to sit up. “I need to get
dressed. I have a class to teach at nine”.
She pushed him firmly back in the
pillow. “Don’t even think about it”, she said sternly. “You will take the day
off, your body needs to recover”.
“I can’t”, he protested, “I can’t draw
attention to myself like that, people will begin to suspect…”
But she interrupted him. Leaning
forwards, she looked intently in his eyes and said, “Severus, you came very close
to dying last night. You need to rest”. Then, as if recovering her senses, she
looked away shyly.
How could he refuse anything if she
looked at him like that? “All right”, he gave in, “I’ll rest today. But I have
to talk to Dumbledore”.
Hermione smiled at him, “I’ll send him
to you on my way to breakfast, but first I will get you something to eat”.
She left the room and Severus watched
her going. It felt almost surreal. He was here, in Hermione’s bed and she was
taking care of him like nothing had happened. As if he never had scolded her. A
few minutes later she returned. She had changed in her teachers’ robes and
carried a tray with food. She helped him sit up and placed the tray in front of
him.
“I’ll go and tell the Headmaster what
happened last night”, she said and attempted to leave. He got her wrist just in
time.
“Hermione…”, he began with difficulty,
“I… I want to thank you. You saved my life last night… If it wasn’t for you…
thank you”.
She looked briefly in his eyes, but
avoided his gaze then. “You’re welcome”, she replied softly and left the room
quickly.
Slowly, Severus began to eat. Maybe
things hadn’t change after all.
He had just finished his breakfast when
the door opened again and revealed a worried looking Albus Dumbledore.
“Severus, how are you doing?” he asked hurried.
“I’m fine”, he reassured his oldest
friend. In a half smile he added, “Hermione took good care of me”. Albus looked surprised for a brief second.
Then he pulled a chair next to bed and sat down. “Tell me what happened”, he
said gravely.
“The Dark Lord told us his plan”,
Severus began. “In a fortnight he will strike in a double attack, both against
the Ministry and Hogwarts. He has finally gathered all his allies, the
Dementors, the giants, a number of vampire’s, dark wizards from Albania and
Transalvania, some creatures like goblins and a few dragons. And the Death
Eaters of course.
He will divide them in two armies. The
first army will attack the Ministry of Magic. He will feed Lucius Malfoy
Polyjuice Potion, so he will take the form of the Dark Lord. He hopes and
counts on the fact that Fudge will ask for you assistance. As soon as you are
gone, he will attack Hogwarts with his second army. I am ordered to give
Minerva and Filius the Draught of the Living Death, so they will not be able to
defend Hogwarts.
You will of course return to Hogwarts,
and there he will wait for you, ready to kill you”.
An amazing change had come over the
Headmaster of Hogwarts. The twinkle had left his eyes, the skin of his face had
gone pale and the lines on his face deepened. He radiated cold fury.
"Where will the second army wait before the attack?” Albus barked.
“Inside the Forbidden Forrest”, Severus
told him. “The Dark Lord will be there too”.
“Where are you posted?”
“At the Ministry of Magic, my job is to
make sure no-one will get out of the Ministry alive”.
“We will divide the Order in three
armies”, Albus said determined. “One of them will assist at the Ministry, the
other will defend Hogwarts and the last one will attack Voldemort in the Dark
Forest”. Then his face softened. “What happened to you then”.
Severus shivered as if the mere memory
caused him pain. “After the Dark Lord told us his plan… Malfoy said that he had
to make sure that all the allies were really on his side… that there were no
traitors…” He paused, closing his eyes for a second. “The Dark Lord asked who
he’d meant and Malfoy answered he doubted my loyalty… so the Dark Lord felt it
was necessary to… test my loyalty… That’s all there is to tell, really”.
Albus reached out and squeezed his
shoulder. “We are greatly in your debt, my friend. If it was not for you, we
stood no change of winning this war”.
Severus appreciated what the man said,
but could not believe him. Once he had been a true Death Eater and in a way he
still was. Nothing he did could ever make up for that.
“I think I should go back to my own
quarters”, he said to change the subject. “I need to clean Hermi… I mean Miss
Grangers bedroom… there’s blood on the sheets”.
“Let me worry about that”, Albus spoke.
Carefully he helped the younger man out of bed. Severus felt dizzy for only a
second, then the room became solid again. Albus inspected the wound on his
side. “She has healed it very well”, he said amazed, ‘I must confess I did not
know that she was such a capable healer”.
“Didn’t you?” Severus replied, “Hermione
can do anything she sets her mind on”. The moment the words came out he bit his
tongue, especially when he saw the surprised look in Albus’ eyes return. ‘Well
done, Severus’, he scolded himself, ‘expose your feelings to the Headmaster’.
Albus made no further comment and helped
him to the fireplace. Using floopowder he brought him to his own quarters.
“Go directly to sleep”, he instructed
Severus. “Poppy will be back this afternoon, I will send her to check up on
you”.
Feeling oddly fatigued from such a short
walk, Severus made no complaint. Climbing in his bed he closed his eyes and
drifted of to sleep.
Chapter 9:
A week passed. Severus noticed the
wounds healed quickly and nicely. Of course this only increased his love for
Hermione. Poppy Pompfrey had been extremely pleased. “Finally someone who knows
their way with healing spells!”
He had not seen much of her over the
past week. Only at breakfast, lunch and dinner in the Great Hall. But then
there were always people around them. He simply didn’t have the time to talk to
her alone. Besides his teaching, planning strategies for the final battle had
taken up all his time.
But at night, when he lay down in bed,
trying to sleep, the memories of the events of last week rushed back at him.
She had helped him, without hesitation, without asking questions…She had not
only cured his wounds, she had also watched over him when he slept, she had
given him a potion that made sure he had been able to sleep…
How was this possible? After what he had
said to her, after the way he had treated her? How could she possibly care for
him? ‘Maybe she doesn’t’, he thought sadly, ‘she loathes me still, it’s just
Gryffindor nobility’. But even if he lived to the age of Nicolas Flamel he
would never forget it. A single, good memory to store and to treasure. After
all, he only had very few.
* * *
Students left the dungeons, talking
enthusiastically. It had been the last class of Friday afternoon and that meant
weekend. Hermione smiled and closed the door behind them. But quickly her
expression sobered. What she wouldn’t give to be as careless as the students
were. But she wasn’t. Great danger hung over them, the final battle was now
unavoidably near. Within a week, everything she held dear could vanish, be
destroyed by evil in it’s worst form.
Dumbledore had summoned all the teachers
in an urgent meeting, one day after Severus’ Death Eater meeting. All the
teachers knew about the Order, many of them even being members of it. The
atmosphere was tense, but determined. “We are prepared”, Dumbledore had told
them gravely, “it might not be an easy fight, but we stand a chance, we can
win, if we are willing to sacrifice ourselves for our world”.
“Some things are worth dying for”,
Charlie had said. “It’s something Sirius Black said eight years ago, when my
dad was in St. Mungo’s, injured. Bill told me later”, he explained later to
her.
Hermione focused her attention back to
the pile of parchment on her desk. Lessons would go on as long as possible.
‘One of the thing we are fighting for is Hogwarts education after all”, Minerva
had said crisply. Hermione sorted the parchment. Essays that still needed to be
corrected… already corrected essays…, here it was. The lists of Potions’ scores
of different houses. To be given to each Head of the House. That meant a visit
to Minerva, Filius, Hetty and of course, Severus.
* * *
She had saved Severus for the end.
Carefully she knocked on the door and waited until he called “Enter”.
“Slytherin’s scores in Potions”, she
told him, holding up the parchment.
“Thank you”, he replied, taking the
parchment from her hand and placing it on his desk.
There was something about him. Something
in the way he walked, something in the way he looked. And it caused her to
worry. He looked troubled, as if he dreaded something. Of course there was the
final battle, but this was different. “Are you all right?” she asked tentatively.
He straightened his shoulders. “Yes, I’m
fine. Why do you ask?”
‘Well, at least he didn’t start yelling
at me’, she thought and replied, “It’s just something in the way… you look
tense… that made me wonder…”, she faltered under his intense gaze, “never
mind…” Why wasn’t she able to speak to him? She could talk anywhere, about
everything to everyone. But the words failed her the moment she looked in his
eyes.
“Are you sure you all right?” she asked
finally.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’ he wondered,
‘why is it you who can look straight through me?” Unable to keep it from her,
he answered softly, “The Dark Lord has summoned me, there is another Death
Eater meeting tonight”.
She gasped in shock. “Oh Severus, no,
not already?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I can only
guess what he wants this time, hopefully he will tell us more about the plan”.
“Are you in any immediate danger?” she
asked up front.
“I don’t think so”, he replied,
“usually, the Dark Lord leaves you in peace for a while after he has attacked
you. I believe I am quite safe”.
“As safe as you can get with an insane
Dark Lord and twenty-eight Death Eaters”, Hermione muttered sarcasticly.
She looked up in amazement as she heard
a soft chuckle coming from him. He was smiling. For the first time, in front of
her. It changed his entire face, made his eyes velvet warm. She felt her heart
skip a beat.
“Hermione, don’t worry”, he said softly.
“I’ll be all right. The Dark Lord can’t risk killing me tonight, he needs me
for the battle”.
“Just be careful”, Hermione asked
urgently. “We need you much more then him”.
“I promise”, he said simply. They stared
at each other for one moment, then Hermione turned and left his office.
Chapter 10:
Hermione looked up from her book for
what must have been the thousands time that evening. She simply couldn’t
concentrate. She must have read the last page eight times already and still she
had no clue what it said. She was actually nauseous with fear. How would it go
tonight? Would Severus be all right? What would Voldemort do?
He was only half recovered. She knew his
wounds were mending well, but if they would torture him again tonight… she
shuddered involuntarily. If they did, he would not survive it. And she couldn’t
bear the thought of losing him, not if he didn’t know…
She knew for sure now. Months of doubts,
disbelief and fighting had grown into acceptance: she loved him. More than
anyone she had ever loved, she loved this man. Severus Snape. The cold,
sarcastic Potions Master. The man who had made her life miserable from the
moment they had met. But also the man who carried such a heavy burden. The man
who could look at her with so much sadness and pain in his eyes that she wanted
nothing more then to wrap her arms around him and comfort him. The man who
would sacrifice his life, willingly and without doubting for something he
believed in. The man who would sacrifice his soul if he had too.
And also the man who would never love
her back. The man who saw her merely as a colleague and a former student. He
would never take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her too. He would
never be hers. He would never let her near him.
But that didn’t stop him from worrying.
She couldn’t help it. Her stomach clenched every time she thought of what he
must be going through. The fear caught in her throat and the tension made it
impossible for her to sit down.
* * *
‘It had not been that bad’. That was all
he could think about when he made his way back to the castle of Hogwarts. Of course,
the Dark Lord had been beside himself. His speeches had bordered on insanity.
Unforgivable and dark curses had filled the air, but not personally directed to
anyone. And he had been clever enough to avoid them. The Dark Lord had given
some more details about the attack, which good be of great use for the Order.
He would have to relate them at the meeting of next Sunday.
Slowly he made his way up to the castle,
past the Entrance Hall and the Great Hall to the dungeons. The castle was dark
and deserted once again. This was the part he hated most. Coming home without
anyone waiting for him, being there for him. For so long he wished for someone
who’d be there for him, someone who cared about him. The loneliness was what
made his burden heavier than anything else.
Once this wish for someone had been
vague. A person without a face, without an identity, just someone who was
there. Now this person had a face. Hermione. How he wanted her to be awake. To
be able to talk to her, to tell her about the events of the night. To know that
she had thought of him, had cared for him. But it was impossible. He might as
well wish for the moon to care for him. She saw him only as her former Potions
teacher, a Death Eater and a person incapable of feeling. She would never care
for him, she would never love him. She would never be his.
The castle was dark and deserted, the
dungeons were cold. There would be no-one waiting for him. Certainly not
Hermione.
He rounded the corner and walked inside
the corridor that would lead him to his personal quarters. Then he stopped dead
in his tracks. The door of Hermione’s Office was open and a soft light was
spreading inside the corridor.
Walking carefully, without making any
noise he came closer until he could look inside. What he saw caused his breath
to catch in his throat. Hermione was sitting at her desk, wearing pyjamas,
(Black silk this time, he noted) and a deep red dressing gown. Her hair was
down and felt around her shoulders. She was correcting papers, illuminated by
the soft light of two candles standing on her desk. The candlelight made her
features even softer and gave her hair a golden glow. He stood there for a
while, simply watching her. Then he snapped out of his trance. It was not
possible. She could not be here because of him.
He stepped inside her office, announcing
his presence by asking, “Hermione… what are you doing here?”
She almost jumped out of chair.
“Severus…”, she stammered, “I didn’t hear you coming”.
‘Way to go Granger’, Hermione scolded
herself inwardly, ‘you’ve waited for him all night, and when he finally comes,
you don’t even notice’.
She heard him answer her in his deep
voice, “My apologies, Hermione, I did not mean to startle you. But why are you
here? It is far past midnight”.
‘I needed to finish correcting these
essays”, Hermione answered, looking everywhere except straight at him.
He rose his eyebrows at her answer, “And
in order to do that you choose a freezing office in the dungeons in stead of
your own quarters?”
She blushed as red as her dressinggown.
“I…” She began to stammer, but realised it was useless. ‘I’ve never been able
to lie to him’, she thought with resignation, ‘and he has probably guessed it
by now, giving that my face is a red as the Gryfindor banner’.
“I wanted to see if you were all right”,
she finished in a small voice.
He could have kissed her right there.
She was waiting for him. “I’m all
right”, he reassured her.
“How did the meeting go?”, Hermione
asked, coming closer towards him.
“It was not as bad as I expected”,
Severus admitted. “The Dark Lord is becoming insane with his thirst for power.
This night even more so. This insanity makes him dangerous, but it could also
create a weak spot in his defence. We can only hope for that”.
“He did not torture anyone?” Hermione
asked, still looking anxious.
“He threw curses around”, Severus
admitted, “but only those who were so unfortunate to not duck soon enough got
hurt.
It went fine, Hermione, really”, he
reached out and grasped her hand. He was shocked at how cold it felt. “You’re
frozen!”, he exclaimed, taking hold of her other hand too and rubbing them warm
between his own. “You need to go back to your own, warm quarters”, he told her,
“if you stay here much longer, you’ll get sick”.
She smiled at him. “I’m not made of
sugar, Severus”.
“But still”, he replied, “come I’ll walk
you back to your quarters”.
“I know how to find my quarters, sir”,
she retorted.
“I’m sure you do”, he answered with a
half- smile, “but it’s past curfew”.
Together they made their way to her
personal quarters. Outside the door they said goodnight, but he paused for a
moment. “Hermione, thank you for waiting for me tonight. I meant a lot to me”.
Her smile was so warm it could easily
melt away all the coldness that was bottled up inside him. “You’re welcome.
Sleep well, Severus”.
“I will”, he answered and watched her
going inside.
“I most certainly will”, he muttered to
himself as he made his way back to the dungeons again.
He did sleep well that night. His sleep
was filled with dreams of her. Of her smile. He woke the next morning, feeling
more rested then he had in a long time. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, or
stop looking at her during breakfast, lunch and dinner. Could it be possible? Could
there be a chance? That she loved him was out of the question. She was young,
beautiful and intelligent. She had her whole life in front of her. It was
impossible that she would have feelings for an old man and a despicable Death
Eater.
But still, their might be a chance of
their friendship. She might care enough for him to call him her friend. It was
the first time since she had came to Hogwarts to teach that he dared to hope
for this. A friendship would be more then he had ever hoped for. And he would
bury his other feelings deep inside him. She would never know. He would be
content just to have her as his friend.
If only. If only he had not yelled at
her three weeks ago. If only he had not called her a Mudblood. Their friendship
never had a change if that stood between them. There was only one thing to do.
He had to apologise and this time more convincing then the previous time. Even
if there was not a change of friendship, he needed to get it off of his chest.
He needed to tell her, to convince her that he had not meant it.
After dinner he made his way to his
living quarters when he saw her, emerging from her office. It was now or never.
“Hermione”, he began hastily, “there’s something I need to say to you”.
“What is it?” she asked worry and wonder
in her eyes.
“When I yelled at you three weeks ago…”,
he saw her face fell. The expression on her face closed and her eyes became
cold. Forcing himself to carry on he continued, “I want you to know that I
didn’t mean any of it. I was angry because of a letter Malfoy send me and I
took it out on you. I know that’s no excuse, but I never meant to hurt you”.
Hermione felt the tears sprang to her
eyes. Why did he have to bring that up again. She had thought, hoped that he
had put it behind him. That she had managed to win his respect back.
“I know I lost your respect by coming to
you for help…” she began, but before she could finish her sentence he
interrupted her.
“Hermione, you could never lose my
respect. You were perfectly in your right by coming to me and I should not have
lashed out to you”.
“You called me a Mudblood”.
“I should not have said that and I am
terribly sorry for it”.
“No, you were right”, Hermione replied,
turning away from him, “I should deal with my classes by myself, I should not
have come whining to you…”
His heart clenched painfully, suddenly
realising how seriously she had taken his insults. He couldn’t bear to hear her
putting herself down like that, knowing that he was the cause of it. Then he
became aware that she was still talking.
“…you have more important things on you
mind. It was foolish of me…”
The next second he had grasped her
shoulders, pulling her towards him, bringing his face only inches from hers.
Startled by his sudden movement and strong grip, Hermione watched him with a
mixture of fear and wonder in her eyes.
“Don’t say that”, he begged softly, his
voice just above a whisper, “It was not your fault. I was angry and I took it
out on you. You had every right to talk to me about them. Don’t let what I said
to you get to you like that…”
It was only then he realised the mistake
he had made. She was too close. He could feel the warmth of her body, could
smell her perfume. He felt his guard slip. He could not, would not longer fight
it. Desperate to convince her, he cupped her face between his hands and kissed
her.
Time stood still. The world around him
faded. All he could think of was her and her lips against his own. His hands
dropped and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closely against
him. Deepening the kiss, he became vaguely aware that she wasn’t pushing him
away. Her hands had moved up over his chest and linked behind his neck.
But when he heard a soft sigh coming
from her throat his senses kicked in. He pulled away so abruptly she staggered
backwards. Unable to look at her, he turned around and left.
As soon as he could he made his way to
his quarters. Once inside he walked straight to his bedroom and sank down on
his bed. What had he done? What in Merlin’s name had he done?
* * *
Hermione watched him leave, his robes
billowing behind him. She stood there completely petrified, the feel of his
kiss still on her lips. Slowly she made her way back to her private quarters,
without paying attention to her surroundings. Once inside she leaned against
the doorframe, breathing heavily. She could still smell him, he smelled of
herbs and feel his arms around her.
She caught her vision in the mirror. Her
cheeks were flushed, her lips were bright red and her eyes were huge. “He kissed
me”, she muttered to her reflection. Slowly she sat down on the couch, tucking
her feet below her. For many minutes she simply stared into space, without
actually seeing anything, reliving the encounter in the corridor again and
again. “He kissed me”, she muttered again. ‘You’ve kissed each other’, her
conscience told her dryly, ‘you did not lack in response Granger’.
* * *
Severus still sat on the bed, his face
covered in his hands. “You fool”, he muttered to himself. “You complete and
utter idiot. You’ve ruined everything. All your changes on building a
friendship with her are gone, destroyed because you could not hold back”.
He fell back on his bed watching the
ceiling, emotions of anger, selfdisgust and despair washing over him. How could
he have done that to her? How could he have grabbed her like that? How could he
have betrayed her trust like that? She would never look at him again. He had
been given one change. One change to make up to her and he had ruined it beyond
expectations.
But he could still feel her in his arms.
She had fitted perfectly, like she had belonged there. Like they had belonged
together. He would treasure the memory forever. One memory for the prize of a
lost change. There was only one thing he could do now. He would stand back,
keep distance between them. Stay away from her. Make this the less uncomfortable for
her as possible.
The Meeting
Grimmauld Place was packed. Even after
the death of Sirius, the Order used it as headquarters. The place hadn’t changed
much over the past eight years. It still was a dark, ghostly house filled with
various dark creatures. Hermione looked around her. They were all assembled
now. Hagrid and Olympe, filling almost half the room, even more so then usual
since Olympe was pregnant. Harry and Dunya were present and also were Ron,
Neville, Luna Lovegood and the entire Weasley family except for Percy. The old
crowd was there as well, Moody, Lupin, Tonks, Kingsley, Fletcher, Arabella
Figgs and even Aberforth Dumbledore. A lot of teachers were present as well,
Filius Flitwick, Minerva McGonagall, Hetty Sprout and Enya Sinistra. And
Severus of course.
Severus… She hated herself for thinking
about him, even on a time like this. After that wonderful kiss, things had
taken a turn for the worse. He was now more distant than ever. She had barely
seen him over the past two days. He took his meals in his own quarters and
ignored her when he could not avoid her presence. She had spent two nights
lying awake, thinking. Why had he kissed her? And why had he left without
saying anything? Why was he avoiding her now? Had it meant anything to him?
She feared he had guessed her feelings.
That she had betrayed them in some way. Maybe he pitied her, or maybe he had
wanted to check if his assumptions were true. Well, if that was the case, he
had his answer now. Her response at his kiss had made her feelings for him
painfully clear.
She shook her head determined. She would
not think of it anymore. There were more important things to think about at this
moment. She stood up and made her way to the kitchen. She helped Mrs. Weasley
pour coffee. “I’ll bring this tray in, dear”, Mrs Weasley said, ‘will you come
with the rest?” Hermione nodded and continued pouring. After Mrs Weasley had
left Harry and Ron entered.
“Hey Hermione, how are you doing?” Harry
asked jovially.
“I’m fine”, she answered smiling, “just
a little nervous about the battle”.
“Same here”, Ron admitted, “Dumbledore
reckons this will be the last one. We have to win”.
“We will win”, Harry said confidently.
“You still like teaching then?” he asked, changing the subject.
“Yes, very much so”, she answered.
“Those students are lucky”, Ron
muttered, “I’ll bet you’re a friendlier Potion teacher then old Snape ever
was”.
Hermione felt the anger rise inside her.
“Don’t be stupid, Ron”, she snapped, “Professor Snape is brilliant and if it
wasn’t for him, we would never stand a chance in this war”.
“Maybe’, Ron replied, slightly taken
aback, “but he’s still a greasy git. He always was and he always will be”.
Slamming the coffee kettle down with an
almighty force she turned to Ron, her eyes blazing with anger. “You have no
idea what you are talking about, have you?” she hissed, her voice low with
anger. “You have no idea what he has been through. You don’t know a thing. You
don’t know what he suffers to win this war, you don’t know what sacrifices he
has made. You don’t know him at all!” She paused to catch her breath, her heart
beating furiously in her throat. “You don’t know him at all”, she repeated
softly.
Harry and Ron both looked absolutely
dumbstruck. Without saying anything else Hermione picked up the tray and walked
from the kitchen to the livingroom, never noticing the tall figure, clad in
black outside on the corridor.
* * *
Dumbledore told them about the plan. The
attack would come on Wednesday. A group of Death Eaters would attack the
Ministry of Magic. It was suppose to be a surprise attack. “But it’ll be the
Death Eaters who get the surprise”, Shackerbolt Kingsley said grimly. Members
of the Order will be inside the Ministery at the time of the attack, ready to
defend.
“Who will be at the Ministry?” Molly
asked. Dumbledore pulled out a piece of parchment and began to read, “those who
will defend the Ministry are: Olympe, Dunya Potter, Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Fred and George
Weasley, Nymphodora ‘Tonks” Lupin, Shackerbolt Kingsley and Aberforth. Severus
will enter with the Death Eaters, but chance sides as soon as they are inside
the Ministry.
Hermione watched his face closely, but
saw no emotion whatsoever on his face.
“But the core of the Death Eaters will be in
the Forbidden Forrest”, Dumbledore continued. “Malfoy and son, Lestrange,
Grabe, Goyle, Rockwood and so on. Voldemort will be with them too. A group of
us will meet them inside the Forbidden Forrest”.
“Another surprise”, Kingsley muttered.
“That will be”, Dumbledore continued,
“Hagrid, Harry, Ron, Neville, Luna, Alastor and myself”.
“It’s sounds like a rather small group”,
Ron said tentatively.
“Not really”, Moody replied. “It’s
difficult to move inside the Forrest, we cannot sneak up on them with to many”.
“Besides, were not alone”, Hagrid added,
“We got support of lots of creatures. Some centaurs, the thestrals, even
Aragrog is on our side”.
“And what about Hogwarts?” Arthur asked.
“We will also defend the castle”,
Dumbledore answered. “It is not unlikely that some Death Eaters will escape the
Forrest and attack Hogwarts. But Minerva, Hermione, Filius, Hetty, Enya, Poppy
and Lupin will be there to prevent that”.
He looked around the room and smiled
suddenly. “We will win this battle. We have to win it to ensure the safety of
our wizarding world. We will fight to the last man if necessary, because a
world reigned by Voldemort is no world. Think of that when you see them coming.
Think of everything you hold dear, think of you loved ones. Think of the
children of the future, for they are worth fighting for”.
Tears sprang to Hermione eyes as she
made a silence wish.
Chapter 13:
Somewhere deep inside him, he knew he
was not going to survive this attack. Somehow his life ended at Wednesday. He
knew there would be no life after that. Severus sorted out his possessions. The
Dark Lord had summoned all the Death Eaters on Monday afternoon. They would
prepare themselves for the battle. Albus had granted him the day off. He
finished his will and cleaned away some of his possessions. He looked around
his quarters. This had been his home for the past twenty- five years. Deep down
inside he knew he would not return here.
His thoughts drifted to the previous
night. To Hermione. She had defended him in front of Harry and Ron. He could
still hear her voice. “You don’t know what he has done! You don’t know him at
all!” He had fallen in love with her all over again, right that very moment.
Wanting to do nothing more than to burst into the room and take her in his
arms. When he had heard her words he’d thought that his heart would burst with
joy. She did not hate him. After everything that had happened, she still held
him in high esteem.
If only he could tell her, if only he
could tell her that he loved her. Suddenly the thought of dying without her
ever knowing how he truly felt about her became unbearable. He sat down behind
his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. Slowly he began to
write, picking up speed as he went along. He felt like he was pouring out his
heart, all the love he had felt for the past years flowing out the quill in his
hands. Finally satisfied he sat back and waited until the ink had dried. He
placed the letter in the drawer of his desk and scribbled a short note to
Albus. Then he changed into his Death Eater robes and dissillusionated himself.
It was time to go. He looked around his
quarters one last time and then closed the door behind him. There was only one
thing left to do. He had to see her one last time. One memory of her to take
with him before he went to hell. Slowly he made his way through the corridor to
her classroom.
For reasons he had never understand she
always left the door of her classroom open. He watched as she walked between
the student’s desk, encouraging or correcting them as they brew their potions.
He tried to memorise every detail of her appearance and of the sound of her
voice. He stood there for minutes, watching her, saying an unspoken farewell.
“I love you, Hermione”, he mouthed silently. Then he turned and left.
* * *
He had not come to breakfast or lunch.
He wasn’t there at dinnertime. That was not unusual. He had skipped all the
meals in the Great Hall for the past few days. But when she heard he had not
been teaching that day she got worried. Something was wrong. Something was
unmistakably wrong.
Hermione made her way to Minerva’s
office. The elder witch was sitting behind her desk, correcting papers. She
smiled as Hermione entered the office. “Hello Hermione, what can I do for you?”
“Do you know why Severus has not been
teaching today?” she asked carefully.
Minerva’s face sobered. “He had to leave
today”, she told softly, “Voldemort has summoned all the Death Eaters this
afternoon. They are to stay with him until the attack on Wednesday”.
Hermione turned as pale as a sheet. “He
has left…?” she stammered, her voice hoarse, “but when…” Unable to hold them
back she felt the tears starting to run over her face.
Minerva came to her feet immediately.
She pushed Hermione down on a chair and pulled out a handkerchief. “There
there”, she said comforting, “It will be all right”. She sat down behind her
desk again and regarded Hermione from behind her square spectacles.
“You care for him, don’t you?” she
asked.
Hermione nodded, angrily wiping the
tears from her face. “I love him”, she confessed.
Minerva looked slightly taken aback. “I
didn’t know your feelings ran that deep”, she answered slowly, “I suspected for
some time now that there was something going on between the two of you, seeing
how upset you were about your… disagreement. But I never thought… For how long
have loved him?”
Hermione smiled sadly. “I saw him return
from that first Death Eater meeting, when I was in my fourth year. Something
changed then. I guess I realised for the first time what he was doing really,
what he was sacrificing. I began to respect him and then in my final year he
gave me extra potions lessons and I came to respect him even more, I started to
admire him… and then, when I came back to Hogwarts to teach… I realised that I
loved him and had loved him for a long time”.
“And Severus”, Minerva asked
tentatively, “do you know if he returns your feelings?”
Hermione felt the tears sprang back in
her eyes again. “He doesn’t. He sees me as a colleague, nothing more. Perhaps
he knows how I feel about him… I haven’t exactly concealed that from him…”, she
added bitterly.
Minerva frowned for a moment. “I’m not
sure about that. After all, he came to you after that last Death Eater
meeting”.
Hermione shook her head, “only because
Poppy was away”.
At that same moment the fire roared and
the head of Albus appeared into the flames. “I need to talk to you, Minerva”,
he said urgently.
“I’ll be there immediately”, Minerva
replied.
Together the two witches walked to the
door. ‘We’ll talk about this later”, Minerva promised. Hermione nodded. In the
end she felt glad she had told her.
Chapter 14:
Wednesday came. Hermione spend the whole
night tossing and turning. She was worried about Severus, she worried about
Hogwarts, she worried about her own safety. A knot of fear started to build in
the pit of her stomach. Tonight everything would change. Maybe for the best or
maybe for the worst, but it would change.
A small owl delivered a short note from
Severus at breakfast.
Lessons continued as usual and she felt
the fear grow. Unnoticed by the students, members of the Order of the Phoenix
arrived at Hogwarts. They went to the Staff Room, planning and preparing.
Finally dinner came. She kept glancing
at the empty seat at the Staff Table. ‘Where would he be? What was he doing?
What if Voldemort found out that he was a spy?’
Dumbledore too was absent. He was at the
Staff Room. Minerva had taken his seat. After dinner she rose to her feet and
asked for silence. “Tonight Lord Voldemort and his followers will attack the
Ministry of Magic”, she began. A gasp of shock and horror waved over the
students. “Voldemort is hiding inside the Forbidden Forrest at this very
moment. Tonight will be the final battle. Either Voldemort will be defeated or
he will take over our wizarding world. But we are prepared. We can fight him
and we will win”.
She paused for a moment and Hermione
looked at the pale and scared faces of the students. ‘They all look so young
now’, she thought.
“I know you are afraid”, Minerva
continued. “We all are and there is nothing wrong with that. But we must not
let our fear take over. You are safe here at Hogwarts. We will do anything to
protect you. You all will remain here in the Great Hall, under the guardiance
of the Head- boy and girl. Listen to them and to the prefects. Do as they say
and stay close to your own House. As long as you’ll follow their instructions,
you are safe”.
Hermione and the other teachers rose to
their feet. “Don’t worry too much”, Minerva concluded, “We will win this
battle”.
After leaving the Head- boy and girl in
charged the teachers made their way to the corridor. There they were
accompanied by Remus Lupin.
“All right”, Minerva called out, “Pull
out your wands. On my mark… one… two… three… now!”
“Pretecterio
Guardus!” they all yelled.
An invisible shield emerged around the
Great Hall. Minerva stepped forward and tried to touch the door. She was hurled
back with such force, she landed several feet away from the door on the ground.
“The wards are up”, she said dryly,
getting to her feet. “Let’s go outside. You know where you ought to be. Make
sure you are always able to see each other!”
They made their way outside. Hermione
held her wand in front of her. She walked a hundred feet from the Entrance
Hall. The field in front of her was lighted by the moon. On her right was
Minerva, in front of the Entrance Hall and on her left was Remus, near the
greenhouses.
She glanced at her watch. 18.50. The
attack on the Ministery had already began. Again she wondered about Severus.
She knew that as soon as they had put up the ward around the Great Hall, Harry,
Dumbledore and the others had gone to the Forbidden Forrest.
For an hour nothing happened. Hermione
looked behind her through the windows of the Great Hall. She saw students
sitting closely together. A sudden noise from the Forbidden Forest made her
look back. Shadows were emerging from the forest. Slowly the forms became
clearer. More and more dark creatures came out of the forest towards the
castle.
Hermione clenched her hand tighter
around her wand as she saw three Dementors advancing on her. ‘Happy thoughts’,
she thought, ‘think of happy things… Severus smile… Severus kissing you…’ The
Dementors glide closer and the air around her froze. An hand as cold as ice
closed around her throat. ‘You’re happiest memory…’ Then her vision became
blurred and without a warning she heard a voice:
“Where are your brains, stupid girl? If you can’t control your class,
then don’t be a teacher! You should be strong and consequent, instead of a
weak, wailing child. But then again, I should not have expected more from a
Mudblood!…” Severus’ voice scolding at her…
Severus… suddenly the image of his face
came clear in her mind, his dark eyes piercing through the haze…
“Expecto
Patronum”, Hermione cried. An enormous, silver otter shoot from the tip of
her wand and attacked the Dementors, who fled.
Shaking slightly Hermione looked around
her.
For a second she watched in admiration
as Minerva took five wizards single- handed. Rapidly transforming from witch to
cat and back again she hexed them and she seemed to be everywhere at once.
Hermione watched as three wizards felt to the ground and stayed there
motionless. Suddenly one wizard grabbed Minerva from behind and pointed his
wand at her throat. But Minerva kicked behind her and the wizard screamed in
pain. He and the other wizard threw themselves at her.
Then out of nowhere to enormous spiders
jumped on them and pulled the two wizards off of her.
She whirled around when she heard a
scream behind her. Remus was lying on the ground, his wand pointed in front of
him. A bat-like vampire hung over him, bearing his teeth. Hermione ran towards
them while crying: ‘Petrificus Totalis!”
A flash of silver hit the vampire who looked behind him. In the mean time Remus
had transfigured his wand into a ivory knife and stabbed it right into the
vampire’s heart. The vampire disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.
The fight seemed to go on for hours and
hours. Hermione received a severe cut on her head when she was hit by a giant.
For a moment she thought she was going to die there. And had it not been for
Remus quick reaction, she would have.
“We’re even now”, he said as he pulled
her to her feet.
But at midnight it became quiet. No more
creatures emerged from the forest. “I think it is over now”, Remus said,
walking towards her. Slowly other teachers joined them. Hetty Sprout was
carried by Enya Sinistra and Madame Hooch. And Filius hair and beard were
completely burned.
There were no sounds coming from the
Forbidden Forrest. “I wonder how it’s going there”, Remus said softly.
“Shouldn’t we go in, see if we can
help?” Madame Hooch suggested.
Minerva shook her head. “Albus
specifically told me not to do that”, she answered. “We should go inside and
check on the students.
They walked back into the school again
and removed the wards form the Great Hall. When they entered they were greeted
by the voices of hundreds of students.
“We don’t know a thing yet”, Minerva
told them. “We fought creatures from the forest, but we don’t know yet of Voldemort
is defeated”.
She pulled out her wand and teapots
appeared everywhere. “Poppy, take care of the injuries”, she said quickly, “the
rest of you need to check on the students, see if everyone is all right”.
Hermione healed the cut on her head herself
and walked around the Great Hall, comforting and reassuring various students.
Suddenly the door of the Great Hall
burst open and Albus Dumbledore entered. His robes were torn, his beard was
burned and he had lost his glasses. Minerva walked up to him slowly. “Albus?”
she asked, her voice hoarse with tension.
The Great Hall held there collective
breath… Then he spoke the liberating words:
“Voldemort is defeated. He is dead and
so are most of his followers. He will not harass us any longer”.
It was like Dungons’ Fireworks exploded.
Students were laughing, cheering and crying all at the same moment. To
everyone’s surprise Minerva ran into the Headmaster’s arms, crying and laughing
and holding on him for dear life. Hermione felt tears of happiness roll over
her own cheeks. But still she was worried. How was Severus? How was Harry? She walked towards Dumbledore. The other
teachers gathered around him as well.
“Everyone is all right”, he told them.
We suffered no casualties. Some are seriously injured, but not life
threatening. They are in the Hospital Wing. Poppy if you would…?”
“Of course”, the witch answered
immediately.
“I need to go to the Ministry”,
Dumbledore continued. “I need to see how things are there”.
Nervous energy filled Hermione. It was
not over yet. At least not for her. She could not rest and rejoice in the
downfall of Voldemort before Severus was safely back at Hogwarts. She needed to
do something. “Could you use my help?”
she asked Poppy.
“Certainly”, Poppy answered and together
they walked to the Hospital Wing.
Chapter 15:
Harry was one of the more seriously
injured ones. Luna too was in a pretty bad condition, having broken both legs
in several places. Alastor Moody had lost his magical eye and Hagrid and Ron
both had various bruises and cuts.
“It was a pretty rough fight”, Harry
told her. “Voldemort was so surprised when he saw us coming. We could take
advantage of that for a couple of minutes. But then the Death Eaters began to
fight back. And there were other creatures with them. Vampire’s, giants and
Dementors. For a few moments it looked like we weren’t going to survive and
then Aragog and his children came, guided by the centaurs. They really were
amazing. They killed a lot Death Eaters and scared away all the dark
creatures”.
“Who killed Voldemort”, Hermione asked
quietly.
“I did”, Harry replied, “Dumbledore
fought with him first, but Voldemort kept saying ‘you can’t kill me… you know
you can’t kill me’. And then I took over and I could kill him. He threw the
Cruciatus at me a few times though. But in the end I killed him. After all, I
was destined to do so. But Dumbledore had already worn him out a great deal. If
it had not been for him, I would not have been able to do it”.
“You were never meant to do it all on
you own, Harry”, Hermione said, smiling softly.
“I know”, Harry answered, squeezing her
hand, “I always had people around me. You and Ron and the Weasleys and
Dumbledore of course and McGonagall and the other teachers and Hagrid and
Sirius and Remus… I could go on for ages”.
Hermione smiled sadly. She knew that
what Harry had done was amazing. He had defeated Voldemort, the darkest wizard
of this time. She also knew that he had had a hard time. Life had not been easy
on him. He had lost his parents and his godfather, he had felt lonely, because
he was singled out… But still, there were always people who cared for him. She
thought of Severus. He too had suffered greatly, but he had to suffer in
silence. Without close friends around him who supported him. She knew
Dumbledore and he were close and she had tried with everything in her power to
be there for him… but still. He had carried most of his burden alone. And
tonight he had been alone too, surrounded by people he despised.
After this war was over, Harry would
receive credit for what he had done. He was The Boy Who Lived and would be The
Man Who Victories. But what about Severus? Would people ever stop seeing him as
a Death Eater?
“Hermione are you all right?” Harry
asked, “you looked miles away”.
“Yes, I am, sorry”, Hermione answered.
“I’m just worried about our people at the Ministry. I hope they are all right”.
“Yeah, me too”, Harry nodded, “have you
heard anything about them?”
Hermione shook her head. “Dumbledore has
gone to the Ministry. He should be back any second”.
“But you need to rest”, she continued,
handing him a bowl of Dreamless Sleeping Potion. Harry drank it and soon felt
asleep.
Hermione walked back to the Great Hall.
It had emptied. The students must have been send to bed. Then she checked the
Staff Room. Most teachers were still there.
“How’s Hetty?” Filius Flitwick asked,
looking sadly at the remains of his hair in the mirror.
“She’ll be fine”, Hermione reassured
him, ‘the effect of the curse is wearing off”.
She sat down on a chair in front of the
window and gazed outside. Then she felt a hand on her arm.
“Albus will be back soon”, Minerva said
softly to her, “and Severus is coming too”.
At that moment the door opened and Albus
walked in. His face was grave. Hermione felt her heart sank.
“At the Ministry is everything all
right”, Albus told them. “The Death Eaters did not manage to enter the
Ministry”.
“Are there any casualties?” Minerva
asked.
“Most Death Eaters are killed”, Albus answered.
“Our side has suffered a couple of injured ones and one of us has died”.
“Who?” Filius asked.
“Severus”, Albus replied sadly, “the
Death Eaters killed him when they found out that he was a spy”.
The room started to spin in front of
Hermione’s eyes. Severus dead? How could it be possible? She had dreaded this
all along, but now it had happened she could not believe it. He was gone. She
would never see him again, she would never hear his voice again. And there was
so much she had never told him. So many things she still had to say…
Only one of them had died. The irony of
it brought a lump to her throat. Only one… and it had to be the man she loved
more than anything else in this world. They had killed him, he had died
surrounded by people who he hated. Had hated.
Slowly she rose and moved a few steps,
not knowing were to go. “He can’t be dead…” her voice sounded strange to her
own ears, not like her own. “I need to see him, he’s not dead…”
Hands held her back. Minerva pulled her
in a comforting hug. “I’m so sorry, Hermione”, she whispered, “I’m so sorry”.
With burning eyes, Hermione disentangled
herself and turned back to Albus. “Take me to him, I need to see him. He’s not
dead”.
“Hermione”, Albus gently grasped her
shoulders. “He’s gone. I’ve seen him. He really is dead”.
“I want to see him”, she whispered
urgently, “please…”
Albus shook his head. “They have
tortured him Hermione, he looks terrible. Don’t go looking at him. Remember him
as he was”.
An image of Severus’ beaten body, like
the last time he had returned from a Death Eater meeting being tortured came in
her mind. She saw his lifeless body on the ground, covered in blood, his eyes
closed… A sob escaped from her throat.
“No… Severus”, she moaned, tears finally
starting to ran down her cheeks, “Please… not Severus…” She was crying fully
now. Trembling all over her body she felt how Albus wrapped his arms around her
while she cried, great sobs racking through her body. She whispered his name
over and over again, while the tears continued to flow. He was truly gone. The
man she loved had died and she would never see him again.
Chapter 16:
When she opened her eyes she thought for
a few precious seconds that she had dreamed it all. That he was not dead. But
then reality came back to her. The battle, fighting on the Hogwarts grounds.
And then Albus returning from the Ministry, telling everyone that Severus was
dead…
Minerva was sitting beside the bed,
looking at her with a worried expression. “How are you feeling?”, she asked
softly. Hermione shrugged her shoulders, unable to form a honest reply. She
looked around her, but her vision was blocked by curtains around the bed.
“Where am I?” she asked finally.
“We took you to the Hospital Wing”,
Minerva told her. “You didn’t stop crying, it got worse and worse. We gave you
a potion so you would be able to sleep”.
“I’m sorry about the trouble”, Hermione
answered, looking away.
“Don’t be stupid”, Minerva snapped. Her
expression softened immediately. “Hermione, you’ve lost someone you love… that
hurts. That hurts a lot”.
Fresh tears rose to her eyes at
Minerva’s words. Hermione didn’t even try to hold them back. Once again Minerva
pulled her in a hug and allowed her to cry. “It’s all right honey, let it out”,
she whispered softly.
Later that day Hermione was released
from the Hospital Wing. She returned to her living quarters, feeling like a
stone was placed on her stomach and lump of ice had formed in her throat. She
walked inside her bedroom and sat down on the end of her bed. Then she realised
that Severus had been here. He has slept here, the night he had come to her for
help. The thought of never seeing him again hit her again in full force.
She thought of going to her Office. But
then she remembered how she had waited there for him and a fresh wave of grief
washed over her again. Every spot, every room here in Hogwarts reminded her of
him. The memories of him were everywhere, but he was gone.
She buried her face in her pillow and
cried again, until she had no more tears left.
* * *
That evening she sat on the couch,
covered in a blanket staring in the flames of the fire. A soft knock on the
door made her look up. “Come in”, she called tiredly.
Albus walked in, holding a parchment
envelope in his hand. “I am so sorry, my dear”, he said softly. Hermione
nodded, grateful that he did not ask how she was feeling. She didn’t think she
would have been able to come up with an answer.
Albus handed her the envelope. “Today I
went to Severus’ personal quarters to sort out his possessions”, he told her,
“in the drawer of his desk I found this letter, there was a note on top, saying
that if something happened to him during the battle, this must be given to
you”.
Hermione looked at the envelope in her
hand. ‘For Hermione’, it said in the
tiny handwriting, she recognised as Severus. She smiled sadly. “His handwriting
is even tinier than mine”, she said softly.
Albus squeezed her shoulder gently. “I
believe Severus has some things to say to you, my dear. I’ll leave you alone
now”.
Hermione didn’t even hear him leave.
With trembling hands she opened the envelope and took out a sheet of parchment.
She folded it open and saw it was a letter. After the first three words, tears
started to stream over her face.
“My dearest Hermione,
I know I have no right to call you this,
but it is what you are
to me. I will never have the opportunity
to call you this again
so please forgive me for taking this
chance.
By this you have probably already
guessed that I love you.
I love you
Hermione and I have for years. But I have
always
known that
there was no possibility that you would ever return
my
feelings.
I have
tried to hide my love for you by pretending not to care
for you at all. I know that I’ve hurt you and I am sorry for
that, more
then you will ever know.
All I ever
wanted to do was take you in my arms and show you
how much I
love you, but it was impossible.
Please forget all the things I have said
to you, although they
were unforgivable. I do not ask you to
forgive me, only to forget
them. I never wanted to hurt you. You
are the most special,
intelligent and beautiful witch I have
ever met an knowing you
has made my life worth while.
Thank you for all those times you were
there for me. You’ve
made all the pain so much easier to
bear.
I hope I have not disturbed you by
telling you this. But I could
not bear the thought of dying without
telling you that I love you.
I wish for only one thing. That wherever
I go I can take the
memory of you with me.
I love you.
Severus”
By the time she had finished the letter
tears were streaming down her face and she was sobbing uncontrollably. He had
loved her. All that time, when she’d thought that she had lost all his respect,
that he didn’t care for her, he had loved her. And he had not told her, because
he thought she didn’t care for him.
She thought of all the missed calls, all the lost chances. They could
have been happy, they could have been together. If only she had had the courage
to tell him how she felt. There had been so many chances, but she had ignored
them all. If she had told him that night she had been waiting for him to return
from the Death Eater meeting… If she had told him that she loved him then, he
would have taken her in his arms and told her that he loved her too. If only
she had given a hint, an indication that she felt the same…
All the pain of loving him while thinking that he did not return her
feelings, thinking that he didn’t care for her… He had felt the exact same way
and they hadn’t known it from each other. In the end she had only added to his
pain, because she had not told him the truth.
‘And he loved me back’, she whispered softly. He didn’t see her as a
colleague or a mudblood, he had seen the real her. When he had kissed her it
had not been out of pity or out of guilt, but because he loved her. She
remembered the way he had held her, the way he had pulled her close against his
body, the way his heart had beat against her own, the way he had supported the
back of her neck as his kiss had become more intense.
How could she have been so blind? How could she not have noticed how he
felt? And it was too late now. He was gone. He had died believing that she
didn’t care about him. Thinking that she hated him. The bitter irony of it all
caused the lump in her throat to became even bigger. Clutching his letter
against her chest she crawled back under the blanket and started crying again.
Chapter 17:
Severus’ funeral was held a few days
later. It was a dark, frozen cold December day. It rained softly. Albus had
told the Ministry about the large part he had played in Voldemorts downfall and
he was given a honourable funeral, despite his Death Eater past. Hermione
attended the funeral too. She sat beside Minerva who guided her through the
entire ceremony. The coffin was closed. After much doubting Hermione had
decided not to look at him. Dumbledore was right after all, she wanted to
remember him as he was.
She fought the tears back during the
entire time, not wanting to break down in front of all those people’s, but when
the coffin slowly lowered into the ground she thought the pain and the grief
would suffocate her. The grounds were closed and a memorial stone appeared
magically. After everyone had left, she still stood there, rain pouring softly
down her face and her robes. The drops mixed with the tears from her eyes,
finally allowing them to fall. She pulled a single crimson red rose with bright
green leaves, the Gryffindor and Slytherin colours, from below her robes. She kneeled
down and placed the rose against the stone. “I love you too, Severus”, she
whispered, “and I will never forget you”.
She spend Christmas alone on a small
cottage near the sea that belonged to her grandparents. She couldn’t even think
of celebrating Christmas and wanted nothing more then to be left alone. Two
weeks she spend walking along the seaside, and watching into the fire,
accepting his death and dealing with her feelings of guilt and regret. After
that she moved back to Hogwarts. The whole castle was a reminder of him, every
spot, every room brought back memories of them. Although they still hurt, she
could not live without them.
January started and Hermione buried
herself in work. There was lots to be done.
The trial of the Death Eaters who had
survived the battle started. Many of them were executed. She heard little of
Harry and Neville. Since there were still a few Death Eaters on the run, among
them Lucius Malfoy, Grabe and Goyle, the Aurors were very busy tracking them
down.
Cornelius Fudge had resigned as Minister
of Magic. After the war had ended many had questioned his leadership and
decisions during the war. His place was temporally filled by Shackerbolt
Kingsley. Many in the wizarding community wanted Dumbledore to be the next Minister
of Magic, but he had refused. “I want to spend my last years peacefully at
Hogwarts”, he had stated flatly.
Enya Sinistra had replaced Severus as
head of Slytherin House and Moody had filled his position as Defence Against
the Dark Arts teacher. January dragged on and Hermione had never felt so
horrible in her whole life. She worked, ate and slept and tried not to think
about Severus. But it was hard. He came into her thoughts at the most
unexpected moments. When she was teaching she heard herself giving instructions
in the manner, she realised with a jolt, that he had taught her. She did not
became unreasonably harsh but adopted his style of pushing students to achieve
according to their highest ability.
January passed and slipped into
February. Nothing changed. Hermione knew Albus and Minerva were worried about
her. But she could not help it. She could not forget the pain. It was still as
sharp and overwhelming as when she first learned he had died.
* * *
On an evening halfway through February Minerva
dropped by. Hermione made tea and the two of them sat down in front of the
fire.
“Did you know Grabe and Goyle are
captured?” Minerva asked, “Albus told me this morning”.
“That’s wonderful news”, Hermione
replied. Then a rare smile formed on her face. Even in her distressed state she
had noticed over the past few weeks that Albus and Minerva were spending an
awful lot of time together.
“You’ve been seeing a lot of Albus
lately, haven’t you?” she asked.
Minerva blushed slightly. “I have”, she
admitted, “We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Now that we finally have
the chance…”
“What do you mean?” Hermione asked
bewildered.
“We both knew for a long time that our
feelings reached beyond friendship”, Minerva replied, “but we could not act
upon them”.
“Why not?”
“Voldemort…”, Minerva sighed deeply, “If
he would have find out that we were involved, he could have used that against
us. It was too dangerous. And keeping our relationship a secret was no option,
Hogwarts is not the best place to keep a secret. But now that Voldemort is
gone…”
“So that’s why Albus did not want to
become Minister of Magic”, Hermione said with a smirk.
Minerva nodded. “We’re taking things
slowly though. It’s strange… It’s like getting to know someone who you have
known for years all over again”.
“I’m very happy for the both of you,
Minerva”. Hermione said quietly. And she honestly was, but a part of her envied
them. If only Severus was still here… if only she had told him before he died”.
“You miss him”. It was not a question,
it was more the establishment of a fact.
“You’re right”, Hermione nodded, “I
can’t get him out of my mind… I can’t stop wondering, what if I had told him
how I felt? What if…”
She paused for a moment. “If I hadn’t
been such a coward… I wanted to be there for him, but in the end I’ve only
added to his pain, because he believed I didn’t care for him. I’ve only made
his burden heavier…”
“That’s not true, Hermione”, Minerva
said softly, “Your love has made a difference to him, even if you could not
show him. But somehow, subconsciously, he knew you loved him, even if he didn’t
dare to believe it. I’ve watched him the last weeks, he seemed so much more at
peace and that was your doing. It was so obvious. Do you want to know how I knew
you loved him?”
Hermione looked up in surprise and
nodded.
“I saw him looking at you, during meals
and staff meetings and all the other times the two of you were together. And
when he thought no-one was looking he looked at you with such love and devotion
in his eyes… Then I began to watch you and I saw that you looked at him the
same way… That’s how I knew”.
A single tear trickled down Hermione’s
face. “But you see, but that’s exactly what is making me feel so bad. Our love
was so obvious and still I didn’t see it. And now it is too late. Our love has
missed it’s change”.
Minerva shook her head. “Just because
Severus has died does not mean that your love had died too. You were two
separate beings, but because of the love between you, you’ve become a third
being, formed by the two of you. And you will always be part of that being.
Even if he is gone”.
* * *
After Minerva had left, Hermione went to
her bedroom and stared outside the window for a long time. Minerva was right.
Her being would always be indissolublely connected with Severus. He would
always be a part of her.
She turned back and climbed in bed. Soon
she fell asleep, for the first time in moths with a smile on her face.
Chapter 18:
A cry disrupted the silent night of Godric’s
Hollow. Nymphodora Lupin turned around groggily and nudged the sleeping form of
her still sleeping husband. “Remus, I think Sirius has had a bad dream. It’s
your turn”, she muttered sleepily.
“Mwaahh… what?” Remus was not a very
bright man just after awakening. “What’s up?”
“I think Sirius had a nightmare”,
Nymphodora repeated. “Could you check on him?”
Signing deeply, Remus stepped from the
warm bed and looked for his slippers. “Great, now I won’t be able to get back
to sleep”, he muttered moodily.
Nymphodora smiled as she watched him
going. She knew he didn’t mean a word of what he was saying. He loved his son
and of course he wanted to make sure that he was all right. That no monsters
plagued him during his sleep.
But he had a point. She too would not be
able to go back to sleep without having a cup of warm chocolate. She got out of
bed and pulled on a dressing gown and slippers. Carefully not to disturb her
‘men’ she made her way downstairs. She had lived here for so long now she could
walk around here without tripping over things or falling down. Which was quite
a relief to be honest.
She was just in the kitchen heating some
milk when she heard another cry. Startled she looked around. This could not be
Sirius. The noise sounded much closer and Sirius and Remus were upstairs. The
sound came from outside, from the front door. With her wand pulled out in front
of her, Nymphodora walked carefully to the door. She stared through the peep-
hole, but did not see anyone. Taking a deep breath and clutching her wand
tightly, she opened the door.
Immediately she stepped back in shock.
“Remus!” she called, “Remus, get down here!”
He was at her side in a second.
Wordlessly the both of them stared at the thin, black wolf who lay on their
doorstep, more dead than alive. Eventually Remus kneeled down in front of the
wolf and touched his head gently. “Who are you?’ he asked carefully.
The wolf opened his eyes. He had the
darkest eyes Nymphodora had ever seen. They were almost black and filled with pain
and desperation. The wolf groaned, his warm breath forming a small cloud in the
cool night air.
“Who are you?” Remus asked again.
The wolf tried to get up, but apparently
he was so exhausted he did not have the strength.
“Do you think it’s a werewolf?”
Nymphodora asked softly.
“I’m not sure”, Remus replied, “but I do
believe he is human. This is no ordinary wolf”.
Then the wolf’s body began to jerk like
he was having a fit. His body twisted and turned, but nothing happened. He
groaned again, painfully. He twisted and jerked again, until his body was
shaking and trembling. The wolf closed his eyes a few seconds in pure
exhaustion, but then he started again. Suddenly the form began to change. The
black fur disappeared and it’s legs began to change. In mere seconds the wolf
had transformed into a tall, very weak man.
Nympodora clamped her hand over her
mouth and Remus gave a gasp of surprise, “Oh Merlin, it’s Severus!”
It was indeed Severus, but he was in a
very bad shape. His hair was long and dirty, his face was pale and sallow. His
robes were torn and covered in blood and he looked like he had lost three stone
weight.
Remus pulled out his wand and turned
around him, “Nymph, go and call Dumbledore!”
Severus groaned again. His mouth was swollen
and there was dried blood on the corners of his mouth. When he spoke it was
obvious that every word caused him trouble. “Don’t… alert… anyone… Too…
dangerous…”
Remus and Nymphodora looked at each
other for a second and then Remus nodded. “All right, let’s get you in first”.
He pointed his wand at Severus and spoke “Mobilarus”.
They brought him to the guest room and
laid him down on the bed. Nymphodora examined his wounds quickly. “We need to
call a healer”, she said. “He’s been hurt bad, these wounds are very serious”.
But again Severus made a sound of
protest. “No healer… heal wounds… as best as you can… yourself… Too dangerous”.
“What on earth could have happen to
him?” Nymphodora asked softly.
“Whatever is was, he is too weak to tell
us now”, Remus replied. “Can you heal this wounds?”
“I can try, but I still think it would
be better if a qualified healer looked at them”, his wife replied. She pulled
out her wand again and healed his injuries as best as she could. Even before
she was ready Severus had felt in deep sleep, unaware of the world around him.
* * *
Two weeks passed after they had founded
him on the doorstep and Severus’ condition improved very slowly. Nymphodora
tried the best she could, but she was not a qualified healer and that slowed
down his recovery. But every time she suggested to call in the help of St.
Mungo’s Severus almost had a panic- attack and in the end she stopped
suggesting it.
The first days he slept practically
twenty-four hours a day. He ran a high fever and was often delirious, calling
out names and mumbling incantations. After four days the fever ceased, but then
he was so weak he could hardly speak, let alone get up or walk. He was so thin
he resembled a thestral and his face and skin had a unnatural, ghostly white
colour. He continued to sleep and eat a lot and slowly he became stronger. But
still his sleep was troubled. He often suffered from nightmares which caused
him to toss and turn in his bed. Remus and Nymphodora often woke in the middle
of the night because of his screaming and found him shaking and trembling in
bed, covered in cold sweat.
But after two weeks his condition had
improved so much he was allowed out of bed. Slowly and still a bit dizzy and
unsteady he made his way downstairs, helped by Nymphodora. She directed him in
a big armchair and pushed a cup of hot chocolate in his hands.
Severus looked around him. It felt good
to be up again. He looked around him in the small, but warm and cosy living
room. The large mantelpiece was filled with picture frames. With a jolt he
recognised a picture of Hermione between them. It was taken on Hogwarts. She
wore teacher robes and her hair was up. But she was smiling warmly into the
camera. He stared at the picture for minutes until Remus and Nymphodora
returned.
Regretfully he tore his eyes away from
her smiling face and sipped his chocolate. “I know this is a strange question”,
he said eventually, “but what date is it?”
“It’s the 15th of June”, Remus replied.
“June?” Severus repeated in shock, “That’s
even longer then I feared”, he muttered softly.
“Are you ready to tell us what
happened?” Remus asked gently.
Severus nodded. “But it’s a long story”,
he warned.
Chapter 19:
Severus began to tell.
“The Dark Lord summoned us that Monday
afternoon. We spend Tuesday and Wednesday at Screwhars’ Cemetery. That’s where
a lot of Death Eater meetings were held.
The Dark Lord had gone completely
insane. He kept on yelling and screaming how he would win this war, how he
would rule the world. He said he would decorated his palace with the heads of
conjured wizard and witches. It was horrible. Finally the afternoon came. The
dark Lord gave Lucius Malfoy a bottle of Polyjuice potion and one of his own
nails. Lucius was in charge of the group of Death Eaters who would attack the
Ministry. He was suppose to take the Polyjuice Potion and transform into The
Dark Lord.
That way the Ministry would believe it
was… Voldemort who was attacking the Ministry. He expected the Ministry to call
for the help of Dumbledore and then other Death Eaters would attack Hogwarts.
When Dumbledore would return to Hogwarts, he would found it ruined and…
Voldemort would finish him off.
He and some Death Eaters and the alleys
left that afternoon to the Forbidden Forrest. We waited until the night came.
At 18.00 we apparated to London and took our posts around the Ministry. Then on
18.30 we attacked.
But then, of course unexpected to the
other Death Eaters members of the Order of the Phoenix apparated in front of
the Ministry. Well, you were there Tonks, you saw their surprise.
That was the moment I had been waiting
more then twenty years for. I took off my mask and Death Eater robes and joined
the side of the Ministry. The look on Malfoy’s face was priceless. But he
yelled after me “I’ll get you for this, Snape!” We took the Death Eaters by
surprise and the Order was really superbly prepared. They fought well, then we
were joined by other Ministry employees. I moved to the backside of Ministry
because I suspected some Death Eaters to try and enter the Ministry from
behind.
I ended up in a dark street when I
suddenly heard screams coming from an alley. I ran in and saw Grabe and Goyle.
They were torturing a young woman. I recognised her as Susan Bones, she was an
old Hogwarts’ student. I told her to disapparatate and she left. Then I bound
Grabe and Goyle and was just about to hand them to the Order when Malfoy
apparated.
He disarmed me and removed the ropes
from Crabbe and Goyle. He had already restored in his usual form. He said it
was my fault The Dark Lord had lost this attack, that I was a traitor and a
Mudblood- lover and so on. He threw a Cruciatus curse at me and later Grabe and
Goyle beat me up. I really thought I was going to die there, but suddenly they
stopped. Then I saw Urog Rockwood lying on the ground. He was very critically
injured.
Malfoy pulled out the bottle of
Polyjuice Potion and pulled out one my hairs. He added the hair to the Potion
and gave it to Rockwood. He drank it and transformed into me. Malfoy bound me
and said, “You won’t escape traitor, your precious friends will think your dead
and they won’t look for you”.
After that he killed Rockwood and he,
Grabe and Goyle took me with them. They used a Portkey and we travelled to an old,
abandoned house. I do not know where it was, but I’m sure it was not Malfoy
Manor. They looked me in a small room and left.
I was rather badly injured and without
my wand I could not cure the wounds. The wounds soon became infected and I have
not much memories of the first weeks I’ve been there. I remember Grabe or Goyle
entering occasionally bringing some food. But after a while they stopped
coming.
Slowly I recovered, but then one day
Malfoy came in. He was furious about something. He started hexing and beating
me and between his screams I learned that Grabe and Goyle had been caught by
the Ministry. I had just barely recovered from his first attack. He kept
beating and kicking and throwing curses at me. In the end I played dead and
after a while he left.
I was even more injured than the
previous time and I still don’t understand how it’s possible I didn’t die.
Medically speaking, I should not have survived that last attack. I was
unconscious for a long period of time. Malfoy stopped bringing me food,
believing I would die either way.
Then slowly the world came back in
focus. I was conscious for longer periods of time and the pain subside. I was
too weak to walk, let alone escape, but at least I could think straight. One
morning Malfoy came in again. He was very surprised to see that I was still
alive. To my surprise, he brought Pettigew with him. That rat had survived the
war as well and he too was on the run for the Ministry. They brought me food
every day now and over time I grew stronger.
But I still did not know were I was or
how much time had passed since the attack. Malfoy refused to tell me anything.
Luckily the Rat was there. Me being weak and unable to defend myself gave him a
feeling of power. Of course he was too much of a coward to actually hit me, but
he started to harass me verbally. As annoying as that was, I finally learned
what Malfoy’s plans were.
Until then I did not know if Voldemort
was destroyed, but the Rat told me so. All the Death Eaters were already
captured, except he, Malfoy and Lestrange. Lestrange was in hiding too and
Malfoy did not know were she was. He wanted to use me as a bargain, to buy
their freedom from the Ministry. But he needed to find Lestrange first. At
least, that is what I picked up between the lines of Pettigew’s rants.
As the weeks passed by I grew stronger,
but I was careful not to show that to Malfoy or Pettigew. I still had no change to escape. Malfoy and
Pettigew always came in together and I knew I was not strong enough to fight
them both. But then, one night I overheard them talking. Malfoy had find out
were Lestrange possibly could be and he planned on seeing her the next day. He
gave instructions to Pettigew.
That night I formed a plan. Pettigew
alone I could handle and with Malfoy gone it could be my only chance of escape.
Few people know that I am an Animagus. I have been since I was sixteen. My
Animagus- form is a black wolf as you know. Without a wand I could not fight
Pettigew as a human, but as a wolf I stood a change.
I waited the next day until Pettigew
came in to bring me my food. Then I transformed into a wolf in front of his
eyes. He was completely in shock and forgot to pull out his wand. I took
advantage of that and attacked him. After he was unconsciousness I left.
I fled from the house into the nearby
forest. I had no idea were I was and it took me days to find out that I was in
the north of Scotland. That was three weeks ago. I had to be very careful when
I travelled, because Malfoy must not find me. I travelled only by night in my
Animagus form. During the day I slept in caves and other hiding places.
Sometimes I was able to steal some food, but I did not get that chance often. I
tried to stay away from human areas as much as possible, because I wanted to
stay away from Malfoy.
Many of the old wounds opened again and
got infected. Two days ago I reached the forest of Godric Hollow. I knew you
lived and I was just about to congratulate myself by making it all the way
unharmed when I was attacked by a herd of wild dogs. Once again, I do not know
how I have escaped that attack, but somehow I did and that’s how I ended up at
your front door”.
It remained quiet after Severus’ story.
Nymphodora felt the tears in her eyes. “That’s terrible”, she said softly.
“what they did to you… and we didn’t know… we thought you were dead…”
“Malfoy had it all planned”, Severus
replied, “he made sure my dead looked convincing, so that you would not look
for me…”
“Everyone will be so happy to hear you
are still alive”, Remus said, ‘let me call Dumbledore and…”
“NO!” Severus almost jumped out of
chair. “I’m sorry. But you cannot tell anyone that I’m alive yet”.
“Why not?” Remus asked bewildered.
“Because of Malfoy”, Severus explained.
“He’s insane. Even more then Voldemort was”.
“You call him Voldemort”, Nymphodora
said smiling, “you are able to say his name now”.
Severus smiled back. “I know. Voldemort
is gone, I have nothing to fear from him. But Malfoy is still very much alive
and he is dangerous. His life has collapsed around him. Voldemort is gone, his
son is dead, Narcissa has left him, Bellatrix has disappeared…”
“Hold on a minute”, Remus interrupted,
“Narcissa has left Lucius?”
Severus nodded. “She did a few months
before the attack. Lucius and Bellatrix have been having an affair for years.
It was one of the best kept secrets between the Death Eaters. But eventually
Narcissa found out and she left him. Draco died during the attack. He was never
a good duellist. I don not really believe he was truly bad person either. He just
did not have the strength to stand up to his father.
Well, my point is, Malfoy has lost it
all. He was looking for Bellatrix and
after he had found her he would use me as bribe to blackmail the Ministry. But
now I’ve escaped and he has lost everything. He will do anything to find me and
take revenge. For the death of his son, for the downfall of Voldemort, for
ruining his life…
As long as Malfoy is not arrested my
life is still at danger. And so is the life of everyone who knows I’m alive.
That is why you can’t tell anyone on Hogwarts or the Ministry. I learned from
Pettigew that we survived this war with a minority of casualties. I would like
to keep it that way”.
Remus nodded. “I understand. We won’t
tell anyone”.
“Thank you”, Severus answered, then he
paused for a moment, “I know that I’m putting your lives at danger with my
presence here… you have a son to think about. If you want me to leave… then say
so. I understand that and you’ve done enough for me alre…”
He was interrupted by Nymphodora’s
shaking but very determined voice, “Severus Snape, you do not honestly believe
that after every thing you have been through, we would abandon you just like
that, do you? You’ll stay here and we will do anything to track Malfoy,
Pettigew and Lestrange down”.
She paused a second to catch her breath
and Remus grinned. ‘You’ve heard the woman and I can only add: amen!
Don’t worry about our safety, Godric
Hollow is a protected village. It will be all right. But you need to rest
first. You must be pretty worn out by all this talking”.
Severus realised the man was right. A
throbbing headache had started again and suddenly fatigue fell over him. He
whished Remus and Nymphodora goodnight and made his way upstairs.
Suddenly he realised with a startle he
had found two friends tonight. He grinned inwardly. Who would have thought. The
clumsy Auror with her purple or pink hair, he had hardly ever paid attention
too and the werewolf he had hated half of his life. Who would have thought
indeed.
Chapter 20:
Two weeks passed by and Severus’ health
improved more and more. He stayed at Remus’ and Nymphodora’s house and to his
surprise, he liked it better every day. A strong friendship between the three
of them build as the days past by.
But the two of them could not replace
Hermione. He thought about her every second of the day. He was worried about
her. How would she have survived the attack? Was she truly all right? He had
learned from Remus that she had done fine during the attack. He admired her even
more when he told him how she had saved him from the vampire. But still, she
had fought against a vampire, Dementors, Giants and other foul creatures. He
knew she had only been mildly injured, but he worried about her dealing with
the emotional part of the fight.
And then of course there was that letter
he had wrote to her. His stomach twisted
every time he thought about it. What kind of evil game was fate playing with
him this time? He remembered everything he had said in that letter. About how
he loved her, about how he regretted the things he had said about her… How
would she feel about that letter? Would she be shocked? Would she be angry?
Repulsed by the thought that a man more then twenty years her age could have
such feelings towards her? Did she think he was a lecherous old man?
How could he ever face her again? How
was he going to explain this? A part of him was glad he was in hiding. At least
he could postpone the day he had to meet her again for a while. On one hand he
dreaded that day, fearing it as the day that would ruin all his hopes, on the
other hand he wanted to see her so badly. He missed her so much. Her voice, her
face, her smile, simply her presence.
Until the day he would see her again he
could dream. Dream that she returned his feelings. That she loved him as much
as he loved her. He imaged her running towards him over the grounds of Hogwarts
and wrapping her arms around his neck. He could almost hear her voice whisper,
“I love you too, Severus”.
Almost… he knew it could not be so.
There were too many differences between them. She was young and beautiful, he
was old and despicable. She would never love him back. As soon as it was safe,
he would return to Hogwarts and talk to her. He would explain everything to her
and ask her to forget about it. Then he would leave again and look for another
job.
But until that day, he could dream.
* * *
At first Severus, Remus and Nymphodora
tried to track down Lucius Malfoy themselves. But they soon discovered it was
undoable. Severus remembered only little things about the place were he had
been held captive, only knowing vague directions. He knew the house was in the
North of Scotland, next to a large forest, but he didn’t know name of any
nearby villages.
He felt very frustrated about this. And
beside of that he began to worry that Lucius would find him first and would
harm the Lupins. Nymphodora tried to gain information from the Ministry, but it
was hard to do so, without drawing attention towards herself.
Eventually Remus came with a suggestion.
“Severus, I know you don’t like the idea of involving other people, but I
really think you should call in the help of Harry, Neville and Shackerbolt.
They are fully qualified Aurors, they have experiences with tracking down Death
Eaters and they don’t have to be as cautious as we have to be”.
Severus thought about that for a few
minutes and eventually nodded. “Perhaps your right. I want Malfoy to be caught,
before he can do anymore damage.
All right, I go with your plan”.
“Wonderful”, Remus replied happily,
“I’ll contact Harry, Neville and Shacklebolt first thing tomorrow”.
Chapter 21:
Severus entered the kitchen for
breakfast next morning and stopped dead in his tracks. Nymphodora was standing
at the sink, her back tuned to him. She wore her hair in brown curls that
reached over her shoulders. She resembled Hermione so much he felt his heart
skip several beats.
Not knowing which effect her hair was
having on Severus, Nymphodora turned around and held out a pan with scrambled
eggs. “Hungry?” she asked cheerfully.
“Yes”, Severus mumbled, still recovering
from the shock. He sat down on the table next to two- year old Sirius, who was
sitting in a high chair. Nymphodora shove eggs on both their plates. Little
Sirius reached out a little fist and catched a handful of Nymphodora’s hair.
“Auntie Mione!” he cried excitedly.
“Yes, it looks just likes Auntie
Hermione’s hair”, Nymphodora said smiling. “She has wonderful hair, has she
not?” she asked Severus.
“Yes, she has”, Severus replied absent-
mindly. He could picture her in his mind immediately. Her hair was long, it
reached over her shoulders and had the colour of shining chestnuts. He had
always imagined it to be very soft to touch. When she was teaching she always
wore it in a bun. He had not seen it down often after she had graduated. Expect
that night, when she had waited for him after that Death Eater meeting.
So many times when he had passed her in
the corridors or in the Staff Room he had wanted to take her in his arms, take
the pins out of her hair and bury his hands in the thick curls. And kiss her of
course. Kiss her until she could think of nothing else, until she said she
loved him too…
“Severus…”, Nymphodora’s voice broke
through his musings, “are you sure you’re hungry?”
He realised he had been playing with his
food for the past few minutes. “Yes, I am actually”, he answered smiling, “I
was just… thinking”.
* * *
Harry, Neville and Shacklebolt arrived
that afternoon at Godric’s Hollow. Remus had not told them why he had wanted
them to come. The three of them were very shocked to see Severus alive again.
“How on this earth did you survive that
attack?” Shacklebolt barked in his deep voice.
For the second time, Severus told the
entire story. About being captured and held captive by Malfoy and Pettigew, how
he escaped and how he believed Malfoy was still looking for him.
“So you’re an illegal Animagus?” Neville
said slowly after he had finished.
“I started the Animagus- training right
after I started spying for Dumbledore”, Severus explained. “I never told
anyone, not even Dumbledore. Voldemort too never knew I was able to transform
into a wolf. I has been quite useful over the time”.
“So Malfoy has no idea either?” Harry
asked.
Severus shook his head. “He will know
now. I attacked Pettigew as a wolf, it was the only way I stood a chance
against him without a wand. I have no doubt that he told Malfoy”.
“And Malfoy know were Lestrange is?” Shacklebolt asked.
“He didn’t know when I left”, Severus
answered, “but it’s July now. I think they have found each other by now. They
were always very close”.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to alert
Dumbledore?” Harry suggested. “He can pull some strings perhaps…”
But he was cut off by Severus’ angry
voice. “Listen carefully, Mr. Potter, no-one except the five of you must know
that I am alive. Malfoy will do everything to find me, to seek revenge. He has
nothing to loose. If you will tell Dumbledore and rise any suspicion, everyone
at Hogwarts will be in danger. You will have to track him down as carefully as
you can, without drawing any attention towards yourself”.
“We will, don’t worry about that”, Shacklerbolt
answered. “If you really don’t want us to tell anything, we won’t. But may I
suggest you think about that again?
Everyone at Hogwarts is very upset about
your death. It would means so much to them if they know that you’re
alive”.
Neville nodded in agreement. “They
really miss you, I got that idea when I talked to Hermione a few weeks
ago”.
A shudder ran through Severus. Could it
be true? Could Hermione be missing him? He cleared his throat before answering.
“They will know that I am alive. But only if it’s safe enough to tell them”.
They spend the rest of the afternoon
planning a strategy. Then they apparated back to the Ministry. And Severus was left
waiting…
Chapter 22:
They heard occasionally from Harry,
Neville or Shacklebolt. It was difficult for them to investigate after Malfoy,
without raising suspicion. But Shackerbolt told them that they were getting
closer. Slowly, but surely. “Malfoy is with his back against the wall”, he
said, “it’s only a matter of time before he makes a mistake and we can take him
in”.
Severus had mixed feelings about this. A
part of him wanted nothing more then Malfoy to be sent to Azkaban and make him
pay for all the wrongs he had done. He also felt he was becoming restless. He
was fully recovered from his injuries now., and he hated being idle and
useless. Under Remus’ name he had taken a subscription on the PRF, the Potions
Research Federation. He spend most of his days reading about new planned
researches, new discoveries and other things related to potions.
But another part of him dreaded the
capture of Malfoy. If Malfoy was captured, all his excuses had ran out. Then he
had to contact Dumbledore and face Hermione. His mind had played many different
scenarios. In some she had come running into his arms, telling him that she
loved him too, in other she had rejected him. Sometimes with pity, sometimes in
anger. “How could you ever think that I
could possibly love you, you overgrown bat? How dare you to have such feelings
about me?” Dreams that caused him wake up in a puddle of sweat. What if she
truly didn’t care for him?
“Then I have to leave’, he decided. ‘I
will leave Hogwarts and find another job and place to live…’ But the mere
thought of it caused his heart to clench. Hogwarts was his home. The only home
he had ever truly known. He has suffered there too, yes, but it also was the
only place were he had friends, people who cared for him, who didn’t flinch at
the sight of him. Leaving Hogwarts would mean, leaving all that behind. It
would mean, leaving Hermione behind…
One night as the three of them sat in
the living room the subject came up.
“Do you miss Hogwarts?” Nymphodora asked
softly as she caught him staring outside the window.
He nodded sadly.
“Come on”, Remus tried to cheer him up,
‘it won’t be long anymore. As soon as they have caught Malfoy and the others,
you can go back”.
“I’m not sure I can go back to
Hogwarts”. He had said it before he
realised it.
“What do you mean?” Nymphodora
exclaimed, “of course you can go back! Hogwarts is your home. They’ll be
thrilled if they hear you’re alive”.
“Why shouldn’t you be able to go back to
Hogwarts?” Remus asked.
Severus hesitated for a second and then
he began to tell. He needed it of his chest. All the worries, the doubts, the
feelings he had bottled up inside him for so long needed to come out. He told
them about Hermione coming back to Hogwarts, two years ago, about how he loved
her from a distance, making sure she didn’t find out about it, about the fight
they had last year, when he had taken out all his pent up anger and frustration
on her. And how she had helped him after the Death Eater attack, how they had
come a little closer after that… how he had wrote her a letter. When he was
finished, Remus and Nymphodora stared at him in wonder.
“Oh my”, Nymphodora muttered softly. “so
you’ve wrote her a letter in which you told her that you loved her and then you
died?”
Severus shook his head. “I wrote her
that letter just before the attack. I couldn’t bear the thought of dying
without telling her how I felt. But the letter was to be given to her, only
after I had died. I wrote a note to Albus. Only if I had died, he should give
the letter to her. But I’m not dead. And she has read the letter. So now I have
to talk to her and work it out somehow. And she does not return my feelings. I
don’t believe she even likes me”.
“Severus…”, Nymphodora began slowly,
‘judging by your story, this woman cured you after you’ve been attacked, she
watched over you when your slept, she waited for you later, she defended you in
front of Harry and Ron… What on earth makes you think she doesn’t like you?”
Severus fell silent. It all sounded so
simple, the way Nymphodora put it. But he still didn’t believe it to be true.
“Did you ever show your feelings?” Remus
asked.
“I kissed her once”, Severus confessed.
“Now we’re talking”, Remus replied
dryly. “So what happened? Did she return your kiss, did you talk afterwards?”
Severus mind played back the encounter
in the corridor. He remembered how she had wrapped her arms around his neck,
how her lips had moved against his own… “I think she responded”, he said
quietly, “but after that I walked away and we have not talked about it. We had
that meeting at Grimmauld Place the next Sunday and I left on Monday”.
Nymphodora stared into the flames. “You
and Hermione…”she mussed smiling. “You know, you two would make a perfect
couple”.
Severus shook his head sadly. “It’s
impossible. She’s twenty years younger then me, I have been a Death Eater…”
“So what?” Remus interupted. “I’m a
werewolf”.
“But that’s not your fault”, Severus
pointed out.
“Whatever wrong you may have done in
your past, you made up for that by everything you did for the Order”,
Nymphodora answered. “Love is not about what you deserve. Then nobody would
ever get any. Everyone has his or hers flaws. Love happens. You should just
grab out and take it. Life’s to short to waste it away doubting and fearing.
“But I will”, Severus said, “I will
‘grab my chance’ as you put it. I will go back to Hogwarts and talk to her. And
I hope… I hope so much that she returns my feelings. But there’s a possibility
that she will not”.
‘a big possibility’, he added in his
thoughts.
August had almost past and the days
turned colder and the evenings became shorter. There was only one week left,
before Hogwarts should start again. Severus was inside his room, reading an
article about a new research-project when he heard a scream from downstairs.
“Severus, get down here! You should see
this!” Nymphodora was screaming.
He hurried downstairs and found
Nymphodora in the living room, franticly jumping up and down, holding a piece
of parchment in her hand. A large, snow white owl that he recognised as Harry’s
owl Hedwig soared through the kitchen.
“Look at this”, Nymphodora exclaimed
trusting the parchment in his hands. It was a short note, written by Harry.
“We got them, all three of them. Malfoy,
Lestrange and Pettigew are all in Azkaban. How about we visit tonight and tell
you all about it?”
A turmoil of emotions started inside
him. It was over. It was finally over. He was free again. He hated the thought
of leaving Remus and Nymphodora, but he was glad he didn’t have to hide
anymore. Hermione… he would see Hermione soon. Maybe tomorrow even. He had to
explain…
“That’s wonderful”, he said eventually
hoarsely.
Nymphodora wrapped her arms around him
in a fierce hug. “I’m so happy for you Severus! Everything will be all right.
You’ll see”.
Remus came home an hour later. He too
was beside himself with joy. The news of the capture of the last Death Eaters
had spread fast.
“Call Dumbledore”, he said to Severus.
“It’s over now, call him”.
“Maybe we should wait until we know
exactly…” he began. But Nymphodora trusted the Floo Powder in his hands.
“Call him, he’ll be so glad to know that
you’re alive”.
“Although it might be better if I call
him first”, Remus suggested, taking the pot from Severus. “Albus still thinks
you’re dead. He might have a heart attack if your head appears in the flames
out of nothing”.
He made his way to the fireplace and
threw some Floo Powder in. “Hogwarts, Headmasters Office”, he called out. A
second later they heard his voice.
“Hello Remus, nice to hear from you.
What can I do for you?” Albus asked pleasantly.
“Are you sitting down?” Remus inquired,
grinning broadly.
“I am”, came the somewhat puzzled reply.
“I have good news”, Remus continued.
“Severus is not dead. He is here”.
Next second they heard a clattering
sound and Albus’’ face appeared in the flames too. “How’s that possible? What
happened? Severus, are you there?”
Severus kneeled down next to Remus, in
front of the fireplace. “I’m here, Albus”, he replied. Seeing that familiar
face after such a long time brought a lump to his throat. It was finally over
now. The war had ended for him too.
“How did you survive… we found your body?”
Albus asked again.
“That was not my body”, Severus
explained. “It was Rockwood’s. Malfoy gave him Polyjuice Potion. And then…”
“Listen”, Remus interrupted. “This is a
pretty long story and I’m sure Albus want to see you in real life. So Albus,
why don’t you come here tonight and Severus will explain everything?”
Both men nodded in agreement. “That
sounds like a good plan”, Albus replied. “I’ll be at Godric’s Hollow around
eight o’clock tonight.
His face disappeared and Severus stood
up, feeling slightly dazed. Seeing Albus again after all that time had awaken a
sense of home- sickness inside him. He wanted to return to Hogwarts so badly
now. See them all back again. See Hermione back, even it was only for a short
time.
Understanding that he needed some time
alone, Remus and Nymphodora left him alone that afternoon. He went upstairs and
packed his things, knowing that he would not stay much longer here.
Harry, Neville and Shacklebolt arrived
just after dinner. Nymphodora installed them all in the living room and gave
them tea. They only have to wait for Albus. He arrived at eight o’clock precise
and Severus awaited him in the hall. The elder man swept him in an embrace,
tears of joy trickling down his face. “You have no idea how grateful I am that
you are alive, dear boy”, he said, gripping his shoulders tightly.
Severus had never considered himself to
be an emotional man, but he felt his own tears shine in his eyes too. Together
they made their way to the living room.
Chapter 24:
Then Harry began to tell first.
“It was pretty tricky at first, because
we couldn’t draw attention to ourselves. We sought in the north of Scotland,
but we could not find any house or cottage or anything that belonged to the
Malfoy family. Then we thought of Dobby. He might be able to tell us something.
It took some time to convince Dobby to help us. He was willing to, but he still
feels bounded to the House of Malfoy and feels guilty for betraying their
secrets. But eventually he told us the Malfoys use to have a cottage nearby the
Forimar Forrest.
At first we couldn’t find the cottage,
because Malfoy had protected it with many dark spells. Then one evening,
Neville was posting and he saw two hooted figures. He followed them and
discovered it were Malfoy and Lestrange. They cottage became visible and
Neville cast an permanent revealing charm. From that day on we could keep an
eye on them. We waited until the three of them were inside the house and then
we entered.
Pettigew and Lestrange were down pretty
quickly. Pettigew was never much of a duellist and Lestrange was still injured.
But Malfoy put up quite a fight. But eventually we managed to conquer Malfoy
too. We asked for reinforcement and they brought the three of them to Azkaban”.
“And they will never get out of there”,
Shackerbolt added.
“But what happened to you then,
Severus?” Albus asked. “I still do not understand how you’ve managed to survive
the attack and escape them”.
For the third time, Severus told about
Malfoy capturing him and keeping him captive inside the cottage. He told them
how he escaped, using his Animagus form and how he ended up at Godric’s Hollow.
“There are a few things I still don’t
understand though”, he concluded. “How did I survive the attack of Malfoy twice
and how did I survive the wolf- attack here at Godric’s Hollow?”
Albus moved around in his seat, getting
more comfortable. “Well, I’m glad your asked, because that is a different story
all together and I am glad to be finally able to tell it.
“I have been fighting against Tom Riddle
for a long time. Especially during the dark times, the years before Harry
defeated him as a baby and his power was increasing rapidly. That’s when we
first formed the Order of the Phoenix. Well, you know about that, since most of
you are in the Order. What you don’t know is that the Order is heavily
protected. I am the secret keeper, but there is more.
Each member individually is protected by
an ancient charm. That charm is called Guardos
Amorus. Or, the protection of love. During the eighties, a few years before
Harry, Ron and Hermione came to Hogwarts we performed that charm.
The charm requires a family who is
bounded together by strong love for each other. That love has to be so strong
that others can benefit of it too. But that also requires a sacrifice of that
family. They will have to be prepared to give up everything to increase that
love. Money, dignity, distinction, everything. If the charm is performed over,
in our case the order, all the members of that order will be protected by their
love, but it means they will lose there money, the respect from our world, even
a part of their magical abilities.
Luckily enough, we found such a family.
Arthur and Molly Weasley. And they were prepared to make that sacrifice. This
is why they always have been poor. They are pureboods wizards, descending from
Godric Gryfindor and Arthur has a descent job at the Ministry, but because of
the charm, their money simply disappear into thin air. The both of them are
very powerful wizards, otherwise they had not been able to perform that charm.
But they lost a great part of their magical ability too and so did their
children.
But the charm worked. The order was
protected. That’s why you survived all those attacks, Severus. That’s why you all
survived on so many close calls. You were protected by the strongest magic
imaginable, love”.
It remained silent for a long time after
Albus’ words. “Wow, that’s so amazing”, Nymphodora said softly. The others
nodded in agreement.
“What will happen to them now?” Harry
asked, “I mean, the spell is no longer necessary is it?”
Albus shook his head. “No it’s not and
we’ve tried to lift the spell, but it didn’t work. Now we know why, Severus was
still alive and he needed protection. But now that Tom Riddle is gone and the
Death Eaters are in Azkaban, we should be able to lift it.
“And then they will have their strength
and money and everything back?” Neville asked.
Albus nodded. “And even more so. I plan
on presenting Arthur as the new Minister of Magic. If there is anyone capable
of doing that, it will be Arthur”.
Severus’
mind was reeling with all the information he had learned that night.
Protected by the love of the Weasleys. That explained a lot. He felt greatly
indebted for the sacrifice they had made, realising that he would be dead for
sure if it had not been for them. He recalled Albus’ words, “love, the
strongest magic imaginable”. A pair of
hazel brown eyes appeared inside his head. And he smiled softly. ‘Strong magic
indeed’.
Chapter 25:
Albus and Severus left Godric’s Hollow
the next day. Albus had stayed the night at Remus and Nymphodora’s house, since
he had travelled there with a carriage. Harry, Neville and Shacklebolt had left
that same evening.
Severus was almost sick with nerves. He
learned from Albus that Hermione was on vacation in Greece, but that she was
suppose to come home today. Albus had called Minerva early in the morning and
told her that they would arrive that afternoon. Minerva too had been ecstatic
with joy.
Then he had to say goodbye to Remus,
Nymphodora and little Sirius. He missed them already. They had grown into close
friends over the past months. That was at least one positive thing he had
gained from the situation. Albus had pointed out to him that there were more.
After learning he had died, the Daily Prophet had made a hero out of him. They
wrote about him as the only sacrifice for peace and talked about the heroic
things he had done for the Order. They had made a martyr out of him. “When they
hear you’re alive and learn how you have survived they will greet you as a
hero”, Albus had said. “life will be much easier for you”.
He hoped so. For now the only thing he
worried about was meeting Hermione again. Worry didn’t even come close. He
dreaded the moment. What would she say? How would she react? He didn’t think he
would be able to stand her rejection, if it was in anger or in pity.
There was nothing he could do to avoid
it. Again and again he cursed himself for writing her that letter. He was a
private man, he preferred to keep his emotions inside, but now it was all out
in the open. There was no way he could pretend that he hadn’t meant any of it.
He had no masks left to hide behind. She would look through them. He had to
face her, had to face his feelings for her. And he had to face rejection.
* * *
Hermione dropped her bag in her bedroom
and collapsed on her couch. She looked around her. Home at last, she thought
happily. After much pressing from Minerva that she really needed a break, she
had agreed to take two weeks of vacation and spend them in Greece. She had
loved it there, but she was also very glad to be home again.
She felt in her pocket and pulled her
two ‘treasures’ out. Severus’ letter and a picture of him. She still missed him
so much. People said that time healed all wounds, but Hermione did not agree.
His death still hurt as much as they day she had first learned that he was
dead. Even in Greece she had not been able to think of anything else but him.
When she walked through ancient buildings she had wondered what it would be
like to walk there together with him. He was the first thing she thought of
when she woke up and the last thing when she went to bed.
She knew Minerva was worried about her
and she knew it was time to let go. But she couldn’t. She loved him so much
that her whole being was concentrated on it. Even if he was no longer here…
A knock on the door made her look up.
“Come in”, she called out. Minerva stepped inside the room with an uncharacteristic
blush on her face.
“Hermione, how are you?”, she asked
excitedly.
“I’m fine”, Hermione replied, slightly
bewildered because of her friends strange behavior. “Are you all right?”
Minerva nodded vigorously. “Hermione, I
think you better sit down, because there is something of great importance that
I should tell you”.
Hermione paled. “Did something happened
when I was away? Something bad?”
“No dear”, Minerva answered hastily,
“nothing of the sort. It is good news actually. But it will come as a bit of a
shock. It’s about Severus”.
Hermione turned even paler. “What about
him?”
Minerva sat down next to her on the
couch. “Hermione”, she said gently, “Severus is not dead. He is alive. He was
captured by Malfoy and some other Death Eaters, but he escaped. He’s alive and
he’s all right now”.
For a few seconds, Hermione thought she
was not going to be able to breath again. Severus alive? It could not be true.
It must be a joke. A very cynical joke. But why was Minerva participating. No
colour left in her face, she shook her head. “No… it’s not possible. He is
dead. Albus saw his body”.
Minerva shook her head. “That was not
his body. It is true dear, he is alive”. Slowly she began to explain what
happened after the attack and how he gone into hiding at Remus and Nymphodora’s
house. “He’s coming home at this moment”, she finished her story. “He will be
here in less then an hour.
Immediately Hermione was filled with
nervous energy. She jumped up and started pacing through the room. “It’s true
then… Severus… he will be here…”.
Minerva got to her feet and grasped her
shoulders. “Listen to me”, she said intently. “Calm down now. He will be here
in an hour or something. Get changed, unpack, prepare yourself. You two have
much to talk about. I’ll wait for them
up at the Entrance Hall and you will stay here in you own quarters. I will send
Severus to you. Here you can talk in all peace”.
Hermione nodded, tears of happiness
trickling down over her face. “I will… Oh Minerva, I can’t believe it”.
Minerva hugged her. “I can’t believe it
either, but it’s true. He’s coming home”.
* * *
Severus had never felt as bad in his
whole life as he felt now. He could not stop his hands from shaking and he was
nauseous with fear. Only half an hour left until he would see her again. It had
been over eight months. How would she look? What would she say? A part of him
wanted to urge the thesterals pulling the carriage to move faster, another part
of him wanted to turn back. At least now he could dream. Dream that she would
love him. Dream that she would feel the same. Dream that she wanted him as much
as he wanted her.
Finally the carriage arrived on Hogwarts
grounds. As if he was dreaming he walked into the Entrance Hall. He was home
again. He was back at Hogwarts, a place he had never expected to see again. The
next moment the air was almost knocked out of him as Minerva threw her arms
around him. He was kind of surprised by her emotional behaviour. Normally
Minerva wasn’t the person who would let her hair down. “Don’t ever do that to
us again”, her muffled voice came from his shoulder.
Then she let go of him. Severus looked
around him. She wasn’t here. He felt his heart sink. Of course she wasn’t. What
had he expected? That she would ran into his arms?
“Hermione is at her quarters”, Minerva
told him. “I’ve told her to wait there for you. You two have much to talk
about”.
His heart sank even lower. She was very
serious about this. What would she say? Slowly he began to make his way to her
quarters. It was the longest walk of his life and yet, he was in front of her
door all of a sudden. Bracing himself inwardly for her rejection, for her anger
and her pity he knocked on the door…
Chapter 26:
He opened the door when he heard her
voice. He had it all planned. He knew exactly what he was going to say to her.
‘Hermione, I’m sorry about what I’ve
said. I will leave Hogwarts and I ask you to forget about everything’.
But then he saw her. After all those
months. There she was. She looked so beautiful. He couldn’t do anything else
except stare at her. All the words died on his lips and all the thoughts left
his mind. All he could think of was her. For some reason he held out his arms
to her, asking her without words to come closer.
A second later she was in his arms. He
wrapped his arms around her as she buried her face inside his robes. He pulled
her as close against him as he could, savouring the feel of it. Holding on to
her as if his life depended on it. Which it did.
Then he became aware that she was
crying. Her body was shaking with sobs. Pulling her even closer he rubbed her
back in slow, comforting strokes. “Shh… It’s all right” he whispered softly in
her ear. “Hermione… please don’t cry”. After a while she became easier. She
drew back a little so that she was able to look into his eyes. Her face was wet
with tears and her voice sounded broken. “I’m sorry Severus…, I’m so sorry”.
He blinked in surprise. What was she
sorry for? For crying? Then a hand of ice closed around his heart. Was she
sorry for not loving him back? He couldn’t take it. He needed her so badly.
Even more after seeing her, after holding her.
“I’m so sorry”, she continued. “I should
have told you… I love you too…, I should have said something”.
He didn’t dare to believe his ears. She
loved him? She had loved him all along? He brushed the tears away from her
face. “It’s all right Hermione, I love you”. Gently he kissed her forehead.
“I’ve caused you so much pain”, she
murmured against his cheek.
He kissed her eyes and her wet cheeks.
“No love, you didn’t”, he whispered between kisses. Finally he found her mouth
and he kissed her with all the love and passion he had suppressed for so long.
Pulling her close once again he felt how she wrapped her arms around his neck,
deepening the kiss. Responding to him with equal passion.
One of his hands moved to the back of
her head and undid the clip that held her hair together. It felt freely over
her shoulders and he buried his hands in it, realising it felt even softer then
he had imagined it. Then all reasonable thought left him and all he could think
of was her mouth, pressed against his and her warm body in his arms.
Hermione felt fresh tears rolling over
face. He explored her mouth so gently and yet so passionate it left her trembling
in his arms. With her hands on the back of his head she pulled him closer,
deepening the kiss even more. Butterflies started to fly in her stomach and
when she felt his hands moving over her body, stroking her hair and rubbing her
back she thought her legs could not support her any longer.
Suddenly she became aware that they were
moving. When she opened her eyes a while later she realised the both of them
were sitting on the couch. He still had her
wrapped in his arms and she was practically sitting on his lap. They
stared at each other as the both of them tried to catch their breath again.
“I love you”, Severus told her again,
gently stroking her hair. He marvelled at how easy it was to tell her that,
after all those years of denying it.
“I love you too”, Hermione answered, her
voice thick with emotion. ‘And I have missed you so much”. She cupped his face
between her hands and kissed him again as if she wanted to prove to him how
much.
Much later they laid contentedly in each
other arms. Hermione tucked her head under his chin and placed her hand over
his heart, feeling it beat under her fingers. Severus wrapped his arms tightly
around her and continued to stroke her hair.
“When did you fell in love with me?”
Hermione asked smiling.
“I don’t now exactly when”, Severus
replied. I’ve always admired your intellect, but when you were a student I
never thought beyond that… and then you came back to Hogwarts. You gave me the
shock of my life, do you realise that? All of a sudden you had changed into
this beautiful woman. I guess I fell in love with you that first night.
“Why have you never told me?”
Severus shrugged his shoulders. “I never
thought you could possibly love me back. I’m not good in showing my emotions,
except anger. I never believed that you could love me”.
“Oh Severus”, Hermione turned around and
stroked his face. “I love you’. Leaning closer, she kissed him once again. “I
love you so much”.
“Since when?” Severus asked, moving his
hands to her shoulders and massaging her gently. “When did you know that you
loved me?”
“I guess I fell in love with you after I
saw you return from that first Death Eater meeting. But I didn’t recognise it
as love. Only after I return to Hogwarts I realised I loved you. But I too
didn’t dare to tell you. I thought you wouldn’t love me back. And then I
thought you were dead and I received your letter… I felt so guilty for never
telling you. I kept thinking. If only… if only I had told you that I loved you.
Then we could have been together”.
He bend his head down and kissed her
neck. “Were together now, that’s all that matters”. Cradling her face between
his hands he added, “and every day I will find a new way to love you”.
Epilogue
- Twelve and a half years later -
It’s often be said that home is were the
heart is. Severus had found out how true that was. He looked around him in the
comfortable house in Godric’s Hollow were Hermione and he now lived. It was
truly his home, for it was were is heart was. His wife and their daughter.
Half a year after he had returned to
Hogwarts, they had married. They had stayed at Hogwarts until the end of the
year and then Hermione had become pregnant. Of course they been over the moon
with joy. But it has also present them a problem. Being married and living at
Hogwarts was already hard, being parents and living at Hogwarts was impossible.
So the both of them had resigned and
joined the PRF. After Rhianya was born, they had set up a laboratory for
Medical Potion’s research. They had booked a few successes. An improvement of
the Wolfsbane Potion for one.
They still were close friends to Remus
and Nymphodora, Albus and Minerva, who had married a few months before them and
the Weasley family. In time he had even started to like Harry Potter.
Arthur Weasley was now Minister of
Magic. He turned out to be one of best things that had ever happened to the
wizarding world. He and Molly still lived at the Burrow.
He looked up when Hermione entered the
room. She hadn’t change much. Her hair was still long. She always threatened to
cut it off, but he always talked her out of it. She held out a piece of
parchment.
“It’s a letter from Minerva”, she told
him, “I can’t wait to find out in which house Rhianya is sorted”.
Their daughter had left for her first
year at Hogwarts that morning and the house was awfully quiet without her.
Hermione sat down on the couch and snuggled against her husband. After all
those years she never grew tired of it. She began to unfold the letter.
The sorting of their daughter had been
the subject of much jokes among their friends. In which house would the
daughter of the former Head of Slytherin and Gryfindors’ star pupil be sorted?
Her eyes scan over the letter.
“Ravenclaw!” they both exclaimed at once.
“Well, I can live with that”, Severus
muttered after some thought.
Hermione hit him playfully. “Of course
you can, it’s wonderful”. They sat back in each other’s arms, reading Minerva’s
letter. Knowing that their daughter was now at the place were their love had
began.
The End