Griselda La Fey

Disclaimer:
All things you recognise belong to J.K.
Rowling, Warner Bros and probably a lot of other people.
Author’s notes:
My second attempt on SS/HG fiction. I
hope you’ll like it. The rating is for the use of language.
Summary:
Severus and Hermione have become close
friends and Severus is able to see the future in a brighter light. Then his
world collapses around him as his worst fears become reality.
~*~
Chapter 1:
The Potionsmaster and his assistant.
“How about we call it a night and
continue this tomorrow?” Severus suggested.
Hermione nodded in agreement en started
to clean her workspace. “I think you’re right. We will never finish this potion
before midnight and we both have an early start tomorrow”.
She finished by putting her books and
parchment in her bag and smiled at him. “Good night, Severus”.
He responded to her with a warm smile of
his own. “Good night, Hermione, sleep well”. He watched her as she left his
office. ‘Who would have thought?’ he mussed while he cleaned his own tools,
‘that one day I would become friends with the Gryffindor know-it-all’.
Voldemort was gone. Harry Potter had
defeated him during his seventh year. His imperial of terror an evil was
finally over and the wizard community was free at last.
Severus Snape was free at last. He had
been cleared form all charges of being a former Death Eater and was awarded for
his services to the Order of the Phoenix.
But what was more, he was finally happy.
Over the years he had come to terms with his feelings of guilt and self
disgust. Slowly he let go of the guilt of the sins of his youth and started to
enjoy life again. And all that, mostly because of one woman. Hermione Granger.
After graduation she had found herself
in a difficult situation. Her parents, who had never been completely happy with
her magical abilities had asked her to give up the wizarding world and return
to the Muggle world. But Hermione, being the most intelligent witch of her year
had of course refused. She wished to attend the Wizard University of Paris to
improve her potions and Aritmathy skills. In the end her parents had forced her
to make a choice. Either she would give up her ‘wizard lifestyle’ or they would
withdraw all financial support from her.
And Hermione had chosen. She choose to
be what she really was, a witch. Without money, without a home and without any
hopes for the future, Hermione had endured some of the most dreadful months of
her life. Until Dumbledore had offered her a solution.
He had offered her a position at
Hogwarts as potions assistant. She would be able to remain at Hogwarts and
assist the Potionsmaster in his task. With the money she earned, she could
afford her academical study.
At first he, Severus had been sceptical
about the whole plan. The thought of working together with the insufferable
Gryffindor know-it-all was anything but appealing to him. But he had understand
the girls desperate situation. And he was not that heartless to refuse to help
her. So he reluctantly agreed.
The first half year had been plain dreadful.
He had tried to make her life as miserable as possible, always scolding and
snapping at her for the tiniest mistakes. He had been a complete and utter
bastard to her, treating her even worse then those seven years when she was a
student. Basically just taking all his pent up anger and frustration out on
her. And she took it all, without comments. She gritted her teeth when he
yelled at her and tried her best to please him.
Until one night. He had scolded at her
for almost half an hour because she had sliced the akondaroots one millimetre
too thick. It didn’t really had an effect on the potion, but he had taken the
opportunity to yell at her.
All of a sudden she had thrown her knife
back at her workspace and tuned to face him, shaking with fury.
“How dare you?” she had hissed, her eyes
blazing with anger. “I’ll try to work my utmost best, you know that and you
know that I am a capable assistant. How dare you treat me like a doormat, just
because you know a bit more about the subject then I do? I’ve had it with you,
you can find yourself another assistant!”
And with that she had left his office,
leaving him totally and completely bewildered for maybe the first time in his
life.
It was only after she had left that he
realised what he had done. And with a jolt of shock he had realised another
thing. She was right! She was a very capable potions assistant. The only one he
could tolerate around him. Despite her youth she was one of the most
intelligent people he knew and she knew almost as much about potions as he did.
After an hour of pacing through his rooms he realised he would miss her if she
resigned.
So he did the hardest thing he had ever
done. He had gone to her and apologised. And she accepted his apology. They
never talked about it anymore, but from that day on he treated her as an equal.
And slowly a friendship between the two of them started. He discovered that
they had more in common then their mutual passion for potions. They shared the
same taste in literature and music. They often ended up on the couch of his
living room, drinking a glass of wine and talking deep into the night. The more
time they spend together, the more he began to appreciate her. Until that
moment he had only seen her as a girl, as a former student. But in front of his
eyes she began to change into a confident, smart and (although he hardly dared
to admit it to himself) beautiful woman. Two years passed in this comfortable
manner until a second event shook his world.
Oliver Wood returned to Hogwarts as the
new flying instructor. From a handsome boy he had turned into an absolutely
gorgeous man, sweeping practically every female seventh-year of her feet. But
he only had eyes for Hermione.
At first he hadn’t read too much into
it, until Hermione cancelled an appointment with him because she had a date
with Oliver.
Feeling as if the bottom had dropped out
of his stomach he had mumbled something along the lines of “that’s quite
alright, Hermione, we can always reschedule” and hurried to his private
quarters.
Once inside he had collapsed on his bed,
his thoughts running in a turmoil. What in Merlin’s name was happening to him?
It was impossible. He could not have developed romantic feelings towards a
former student, a girl more then 20 years his junior!
But the mere thought of her and Oliver
walking through Hogsmede, holding hands and kissing under a tree, made him feel
physically ill.
Finally he dared to admit it to himself.
He was jealous. As ridiculous as it might sound, he was jealous of everyone who
received attention from her, who spend time with her.
He spend the night awake, tossing and
turning, fighting the urge to get up and check if she was already in.
He had both dreaded and longed for the
morning. During breakfast he had hardly dared to look at her. From a few quick
glances he had stole from her he had learned that she looked usual calm,
composed self. He didn’t know what to make of it.
When breakfast almost had ended, Oliver
Wood had walked in. He hadn’t paid any attention to Hermione and she didn’t seem
to mind.
That afternoon he had overheard a
conversation between Hermione and Minerva McGongall who wanted to know how her
date had gone. “It didn’t work out”, Hermione told her. “I do like him, but as
a friend, nothing more. And luckily he
feels the same way about me”.
Lucky indeed. He felt as if a stone was
lifted from his stomach, as if his life started again. And he realised that he
was in love with her. As impossible as it might sound, he had fallen for her.
Hard. When he thought about later, it wasn’t so impossible. They thought alike,
they shared the same sense of humour. Yes, he had a sense of humour, Hermione
was just one of the few people who recognised it. He felt comfortable around
her, he liked spending time with her.
The first time he was alone with her
after his discovery was very difficult. He was so afraid of betraying his feelings, of showing
subconsciously how he felt about her. It was so hard not to touch her. When she
smiled at him he barely held it together, the urge to pull her against him was
overwhelming. Mione had bewitched him and there was nothing he wanted to do
about it. ‘Mione’ was the pet name which he used to call her in his mind.
Mione… but she would never be his. She
could never return his feelings. He was so much older then her, he had a past.
A dark past full of things he regretted deeply. In time he had learned to
forgive himself, but he could not expect her to forgive him. She was so young,
she had her life in front of her. A life full of opportunities. He would only
stand in her way. He stood her back and loved her from a distance. He enjoyed
the friendship they shared, treasuring it as the most important thing of his
life. But he kept his
feelings buried inside him.
It was difficult. Some evenings when
they sat on the couch, sipping wine and staring into the flames of the fire he
had to fight the urge to wrap his arms around her and kiss her. Kiss her until
she stopped fighting him. Kiss her until she began to respond. Kiss her until
she could think of nothing else, kiss her until she melted into him, kiss her
until she admitted that she felt the same way. And then kiss her some more.
But he never did. He didn’t dare to take
the risk. Didn’t dare to lose her. Another two years past. She graduated from
University with top marks. For a moment he had feared that she would leave him.
But thankfully Irini Vector resigned as
Arithmathy teacher and Hermione took her place. They continued on their potions
research. The more time they spend together, the more his love for her grew.
But still he didn’t say anything. After all, he couldn’t bear the thought of
her rejection. Of her pity…
“Professor Snape, sir”, the voice of a
particularly ugly house elf interrupted his thoughts.
“What is it?” he asked bewildered.
Usually house elfs didn’t come to his private chambers.
“Professor Dumbledore told me to give
Professor Snape this, sir”, the elf squeaked. He held out a steaming cup of
chocolate. “Professor Dumbledore says it’s a new recipe”.
Albus of course. Brilliant as he was,
the man was a bit… of an idiot sometimes. If the headmaster had taken a liking
to a particular recipe or candy, he tried to convince the entire staff to like
it as much as he did.
“Very well”, he took the cup from the
house elf. “You can tell the headmaster that I have tried it”.
“Yes Professor Snape, sir”, and with a
flick the house elf disappeared.
He drank the chocolate slowly. To be
honest, it didn’t taste too bad. Shortly after that he changed into his night
clothes and made his way to bed.
~*~
The next morning he met her in the
corridors, just before breakfast. They both had their personal rooms in the
dungeons, a reminder of Hermione’s time as Potions assistant. “Let’s continue
on that potion tonight”, he suggested.
She nodded in agreement. “I’m very
curious to find out what the effect of the use of asfodil will be in a
delirium-potion. Shall we start around half past seven?”
This was another thing he liked about
her. Her endless curiosity and thirst for knowledge. They could spend hours
together, just discussing various hypotheses. What would happen if you mixed
ingredient X with ingredient Y?
Together they walked to the Great Hall.
Hermione was telling him about a letter she had send to her parents. “I just
hope they will answer. I hope we can end this disagreement”.
“Do you miss them?” he asked softly.
She nodded. “Of course. They are my
parents after all. And… it’s so hard to know that I have disappointed them”.
“They should not be disappointed by you,
Hermione”, he answered. “Look at what you have accomplished. They should be
proud of you, you’ve deserved that…”
He bit his tongue. This were the moments
he feared he had said too much, had revealed too much. It was just so hard to
hide his feelings from her all the time. Quickly he added, “after all, you’ve
even managed to get me to like you”.
‘That’s it, Snape’, he thought inwardly,
‘joke your way out. You could have sank no lower’.
She hit his arm playfully. “You’re not
as bad as you want people to believe, Severus”. She laughed out lout when she
saw the scowl on his face. “I won’t tell
anyone, I promise!”.
~*~
The day passed slowly and uneventfully.
He tried to improve the student’s potion’s skills, but his mind was not on the
job. Things had changed. The students had changed. Many of the Slyterin
students were no longer indoctrinated by their parents, the rivalry between the
houses, particularity between Gryffindor and Slytherin had become lesser. He no
longer had to favour his own house, to buy the approval of the Slyterin
parents.
He longed for the evening. A part of him
dreaded the times he spent alone with her in his lab. The danger of revealing
his feelings for her was always present. But on the other half he lived for
those evenings. The closeness, the intimacy. He could pretend, even if it was
only in his head that there was more between them then a platonic relationship.
After a long, tedious afternoon and an
even longer dinner, he went to his laboratory to prepare. Hermione joined him
half an hour later. While she brewed the delirium potion, he set up wards
around the lab, in case something went
wrong. He also sliced the asfodil in tiny, equal parts. While he was working he
kept stealing glances at her. Her hair was in a simple ponytail and a wave of
brown curls fell over her back. She stood slightly bend over the cauldron, a
look of total concentration on her face. She always was so focused in what she
did. If only… if only there weren’t twenty years between them. If only he had
not been a Death Eater. Although he had come to terms with his past, he still
felt it would be wrong if he would trust it upon her. Not that it was about to
happen. She would never regard him as more then a estimated friend and
colleague.
Her voice pulled him from his train of
thoughts. “Severus, I believe that the potion is ready”.
He stepped up behind her and looked over
her shoulder to the bowling, deep purple liquid. It was perfect, like
everything else she did. “So it would seem”, he answered.
She turned her head slightly. “Shall we
add the Asfodil?”
She was too close. His face was only
inches away from her skin. He could smell the perfume she wore. The temptation
to run his hand through her soft hair was overwhelming. She didn’t speak or
move and the air became heavy with anticipation.
For a moment a flicker of hope rose
inside him. Could it be possible? Could it be possible that she wanted him as
much as he wanted her? His hands moved on their own accord, refusing to obey
the frantic instructions of his mind.
One of his hands settled on her waist,
turning her slowly. With his other hand
he cupped her face.
He marvelled at how soft her skin was.
Smooth like velvet. Slowly, very slowly he lowered his head, wanting this
perfect moment to last forever. When he brushed his lips against hers he felt a
shiver ran through his body.
But the next moment her hand made
contact with his cheek. She had slapped him. Hard. Breaking off physical
contact immediately he stepped back, confusion and disbelief clear on his face.
Her eyes were black with anger. Her fury
was nothing compared to her outburst four years ago. She was trembling from
head to toe, pointing her finger at him accusingly.
“Slimy bastard!” she hissed, ‘how dare
sneak up behind me like that?”
“Hermione… I’m sorry… I did not mean…”
but she did not even tried to listen to his explanations.
“How dare you to take advantage of me?”
she shrieked, her hands clenched into fists. “How dare you to touch me?”
“Hermione, please… I did not want to
make you uncomfortable…” he tried to reason with her, but she was acting beyond
reasonable thought.
“How could you possible think I wanted…
THAT”, Hermione wailed, her voice almost hysteric.
A feeling started to rise inside him. It
felt like anger, but it was different. It was hurt. He knew she did not love
him, but seeing her disgust at what he had wanted to do, knowing that the woman
he loved was repulsed by the thought of him touching her broke his heart. And
the easiest way to show that hurt was anger. Anger had always been the easiest
emotion to express.
“I am
sorry, Hermione”, he stated, his fury matching hers, “but again, I did not
intend to offend you and I can assure you that it will not happen again!”
She gasped for breath. “I’ll make sure
it will never happen again, greasy git”, she spat. “I will never look at you
again, you… you pervert”. She turned around
and stormed out of his office, leaving him absolutely speechless.
~*~
It took him a long time to gather his
thoughts. Her words and insults kept ringing inside his head. Apart from anger
and hurt another feeling started inside him. Shame. Deep, burning shame. How
could he have thought she wanted him? How could he have thought she would not
back away from him?
But a part him still felt confused. Her
rejection had been so cruel, so harsh. He knew she did not feel the same, but
deep down inside, he had always held this little hope that she would. Or at
least that she would give her love a change to grow.
Her rejection hurt so much. To know that
she felt he had violated her made him cringe. Her words echoed back inside his
head. “How dare you to touch me… you
pervert” Was that what he was in her eyes? A lecherous old man, lusting
after a young woman? Shame and regret for his actions welled up inside him
again.
For a second he had felt happy. For a
split second he had held her in his arms. He could still feel her soft skin
under his fingers and the warmth radiating form her body. His nostrils were
filled with her perfume and he still felt the feel of her lips against his, no
matter how short it had been.
Another wave of shame and regret hit
him. It was not meant for him. As much as he would treasure and cherish the
memory, she felt the opposite. She would always feel disgusted by the mere
thought of it.
He had lost it all, their friendship,
their partnership… there would be no more long nights of potions and talking
inside his office. She wouldn’t look up during a staff meeting anymore to catch
his eye because of a comment Albus had made. He would never found a small note
on his book or any other place on which she had scribbled down as new theory or
hypotheses for a potion…
A feeling of despair started inside him.
He needed to talk to her. He needed to work this out. After the war it had been
because of her he had found his purpose in life back, he could not bear the
thought of losing her. Filled with new determination he rose and made his way
to Hermione’s personal rooms.
~*~
He knocked fiercely on the door and it flew
open almost immediately. Hermione stood on the doorstep and upon seeing him her
face changed into a closed, angry expression. “What do you want?” she asked
almost rude.
“I want to talk to you Hermione”, he
said softly.
“As far as I’m concern, there is nothing
to talk about”, she replied coldly.
“I think there is, Hermione”, he said
convincingly. “Please let me in and let me explain”.
Without saying anything she stepped
aside and allowed him to step passed her.
“Listen”, he began hesitantly, “I am
truly sorry for making you feel uncomfortable earlier. I did not mean to do
so”.
“Then why did you do it?” she spat. “Did
you fancy a snog and was I the closest person around?” She paused for a second,
looking at his face intently. Then her face twisted in disgust. “You… don’t
have feelings for me, do you?”
For a second he felt the blood rise to
his face, then he turned dead pale. ‘Now she knows’, he thought in panic, ‘she
knows I love her… and she hates me for it’. Then he recollected himself again.
After all, there was no shame in loving her. Choosing his words carefully he
replied, “I will not attempt to deny that I have indeed developed romantic
feelings towards you… I love you…”
She turned even paler then he. “What?”
she hissed eventually. “You think that you love me?”
“I don’t think so Hermione, I know. I
love you”, he replied simply.
“You… you… bastard!” she was shaking
with anger. “How dare you to have such feelings about me… how dare you to think
of me like that!”
He knew he was fighting a lost case. He
knew that no matter what, the damage would be beyond repair. He would remember
her words forever. But still he tried. He had had so little love and friendship
in his life, he was willing to fight for every piece he had.
“I understand that you don’t feel the
same, Hermione and I promise…”
“You’re right I don’t”, she scolded back
at him. “I could never love you…”. She let out a false high pitched laugh. “As
if I could ever love you… you’re a monster. Look at what you have done! Even if
you were the last man on earth I wouldn’t…”
He felt nauseous with misery. He had
believed that she of all people had forgave his past. That she had put it
behind her. How wrong he was. She still saw him as despicable Death Eater… a
monster. When he spoke his voice sounded beaten, defeated. “I guess this is the
end then. “I thought our friendship meant something… but I suppose I was
wrong”.
“You never had my friendship”, she
replied coldly. “I needed a job and a place to stay. In order to achieve that I
needed to pretend to get along with you. I can’t believe you thought I’d
actually cared about you…”
He turned around and left her room,
unable to take it anymore. His last illusion was snatched away from him. She
didn’t care one bit around him. She had only pretended to like him, to secure
her place at Hogwarts. With long strides he walked back to his own rooms and
collapsed on his bed. How was it possible that his life had altered so
drastically in the last few hours?
Author’s notes:
I know… I know, everyone (particularity Albus and Hermione) are acting
very OOC. Don’t flame me about that until you’ve read the entire story.
Chapter 3:
~*~
He hardly sleep that night. He just laid
down on his bed, staring into space and reliving the two encounters with
Hermione over and over again. Although he had always expected that she would
not love him back, he never had expected such loathing. She had looked at him
with pure disgust and deep hatred on her face. His heart clenched painfully
every time he remembered her words.
“You’re a monster! I cannot possibly love you! How dare you… not even
when you were the last man on earth!” This was so unlike her. So unlike the caring Mione he knew. She had a
fierce temper, he knew that, she could get extremely angry, but he had never
expected her to be angry because of his feelings.
‘She’s right’, a small voice inside him
spoke. ‘You thought you could just put the past behind you, but you’re wrong.
You’re still a Death Eater. Everyone who’ll look at you will see a Death Eater.
Such a beautiful young woman like her would never want to be involved with you.
She wouldn’t even be associated with you’.
How would he ever be able to face her
tomorrow? How could they ever work together after what had happened today? He
spend the entire night awake, worrying an doubting. He felt glad when he saw
the first sunlight coming form his window. At least he could do something now
to occupy his mind with. He got out of bed and dressed in his usual black teachers’
robes.
Just when he was about to go to the
Great Hall for breakfast a small owl flew inside through the tiny window and
dropped a letter in front of him. Curious at who would send him a letter in
private, in stead of instructing the owl to drop it during breakfast, he opened
the envelope. A second later he screamed in pain. Undiluted Bubotuber pus
gushed over his hands. It began to erupt into large, yellow boils. He tried to
rub it off on his robes, but to no avail. Within seconds his fingers were
thickly covered in painful sores.
There was only one thing to do. He had
to see Poppy Pomfrey. Gritting his teeth because of the pain he made his way to
the hospital wing, surrounded by the awful smell of petrol. Luckily Poppy was
in, but she regarded him with a cold eyes. “What happened to you?” see asked
briskly.
“I opened a letter I had received this
morning and it turned out it contained Bubotuber pus”, he answered.
Poppy pushed him down on one of the beds
and started moving through the drawers of her closet. “And you have no idea who
has send you this letter?” she asked sharply. He shook his head.
“I’m sure there are many candidates”,
she muttered under her breath.
“What?” Severus snapped, “what are you
talking about?” he demanded.
“You should know”, she answered coldly
and pulled a bottle of ointment out. She walked towards him and poured the
contains of the bottle over his hands. Harshly she began to rub it into his
skin.
His fingers were still tender from the
Bubotuber pus and he winced in pain. Gradually the boils subside.
“You’re done”, Poppy told him curtly.
“Now get out”.
He felt his own anger rise inside him.
“What has got into you?” he asked. But when she looked at him he stepped back
despite himself. Her eyes were filled with fury and disgust, just like
Hermione’s the previous night. Without saying anything further he turned around
and left the hospital wing.
~*~
He was too late for breakfast and since
he didn’t have much of an appetite he made his way to his classroom in the dungeons.
The fifth year Ravenclaws were already assembled. When he entered the room
immediately turned silent. That was not unusual. He was a strict teacher,
students didn’t mess around in his class. New was the way the students looked
at him, their eyes were cold and full of hate.
‘What is the matter with everyone?’ he
thought bewildered, ‘first Poppy, now the students…’
“We will make a forgetfulness- potion
today”, he told the students. Work in pairs and…” he stopped when he heard a
soft murmur. “Miss Egobin”, he snapped. “Would you care to share that with the
rest of us?”
Elvia Egobin looked up fearlessly.
“Certainly sir, I was just saying that a forgetness- potion must be very
convenient for you. Unfortunately, we cannot forget what happened, sir”. The way she emphasised the last
word was nothing less then an insult.
“What are you talking about?” he asked,
his voice low with anger.
“We will always remember that you are a
Death Eater”, the girl answered with a smug smile on her face.
“Gather your things and report to your
Head of the House immediately”, he hissed. He watched as she deliberately
slowly packed her things and walked out of the classroom, the smug smile never
leaving her face.
“And as for the rest of you”, he
scolded, turning to the class”, if I hear so much as a whimper coming from you
I’ll make sure Ravenclaw has not one single house point left.
The rest of the lesson passed in a tense
silence and he had never felt so glad to see a class leave. His stomach
lurched, telling him it was time to get some food. Slowly he walked to the
Great Hall. His seat was right next to Hermione’s and he wondered how she would
act around him.
~*~
When he entered the Great Hall he
noticed that most of the teachers were already sitting on the Staff Table,
Hermione included. He also noticed that a tense silence felt, every were he
passed. When he sat down he nodded curtly to the Aritmathy Teacher. “Good
afternoon, Professor Granger”.
She totally ignored him and turned her
attention to Filius Flitwick who was sitting next to her. The very air around
him froze and he felt his previous hunger disappear. His throat knotted
painfully, making it hard for him to swallow, let alone eat. Was it only
yesterday that she had sat next to him, talking and laughing? It seemed so much
longer. It was sheer torture sitting next to her and knowing that he had ruined
all his changes of her friendship, because of one harmless kiss. Long before
lunch he left the table, unable to bear it anymore.
He went to his office and leaned against
his desk, trying to control his emotions. He had to pretend like nothing had
happened. Being rejected and scolded at by the woman he loved was already hard
enough, he didn’t need the whole school to know. But what to make of the
strange behaviour of Poppy and the fifth years Ravenclaws? He frowned, not
knowing what to think about it. Something was going on here, that was for sure.
Who had send him the envelope filled with Bubotuber pus?
When he had gathered his thoughts and
sorted out his emotions as much as possible, he walked to his classroom. Just
before he wanted to open the door, he heard voices.
“Have you heard what he has done?”
“I cannot believe Professor Dumbledore would let such a criminal work at
our school”.
“He should receive the Dementors Kiss. Serves him right!”
Anger, white, boiling anger welled up
inside him. He threw the door open and scared the first years Hufflepufs half
to death. He ranted and scolded at them for a good fifteen minutes. Then he
told them to brew a extremely difficult potion and conducted as much House
Points from Hufflepuff as he could muster.
It did not make him feel better. Quite
the contrary. It had been a long while since he had felt the urge to take his
bad mood out on innocent students. Hermione had changed that. She had broke
down to his cool and harsh external and had learned him to be milder, less
intimidating.
~*~
With a heavy heart he made his way to
dinner. His feelings of dread proved to be justified. He accidentally knocked
against Minerva’s shoulder and when he tried to apologise, she looked at him
with a look so full of hate and venom, that it shocked him. True, Minerva and
he had never been friends. The bickered a lot, but most of that had been just
show. He never anticipated she would actually hate him so much.
And she was not the only one. Even the
cheerful, friendly Filius Flitwick looked at him with disgust and condemnation.
Forcing himself to sit down, he ate a few bites. He refused to leave again.
After all, he was still a Hogwarts teacher, despite what everyone else might
think. It turned into the longest dinner of his life. But finally, finally he
could rise again and return to the privacy of his own rooms. Just when he
wanted to leave, Albus stopped him.
“Severus, I need a word with you”, he
said gravely. The usual twinkle had left his blue eyes and he too looked… cold.
Severus felt his heart sank. If even Albus was looking at him like that… his
friend, mentor and saviour from the Dark Lord, something must be very wrong
indeed.
“Of course Headmaster”, he replied
nevertheless politely. “What time would be convenient?”
“Meet me in my Office in an hour”, Albus
answered briskly and turned away.
Startled, Severus made his way to his
own rooms. Something was definitely wrong here. Hermione had turned him down…
claiming she wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore. Saying that she
never felt friendship for him… The students were talking, the staff acted icily
around him, he had received a envelope filled with Bubotuber Pus. And Albus
wanted to talk to him…
“Something is definitely wrong”, he said
out loud. “It’s like they all hate me all of a sudden”.
A thought sprang to his mind. Could it
be possible that Hermione had told them about their ‘encounter’ yesterday? He doubted it. Deep down inside he refused to
believe that she would be capable of that. But how could their odd behaviour be
explained else.
He was disturbed once again by an owl,
carrying a red letter. A howler, he recognised immediately. Wonderful, that was
the one thing he needed. With caution and a growing feeling of dread he opened
the letter. It almost exploded in his face.
“YOU DIRTY, SLIMY,
FILTHY PIECE OF TRAMP!!!
HOW DARE YOU BE
ALIVE AFTER EVERYTHING
YOU HAVE DONE?
YOU WILL PAY FOR
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
YOU WILL DIE ALONE
AND ABONDED.
WITHOUT FRIENDS, SINCE YOU DESERVE NONE.
LIKE YOU’VE MADE US
SUFFER.
START COUNTING YOUR
DAYS, SNAPE!!!!!
The howler ranted on and on for a good
fifteen minutes. By the time it had finished, his ears were ringing and he felt
chilled to his bones. Like the Bubotuber pus letter, this howler too had no
sign of a sender. Who would have send it to him? It must have been someone from
outside Hogwarts. But why? It not be because of Hermione. Rumours didn’t spread
that fast, not even in the wizarding world.
Glancing at his watch he saw he was due
for his appointment with Albus. Maybe he had an explanation for today’s strange
events. Quickly he made his way to the gargoyle and moments later he knocked on
the door. “Enter”, Albus called from within.
He opened the door and sat down in the
chair across the Headmaster’s desk.
“You wanted to see me, Albus?”
“Yes”, the old wizard answered.
“Severus, there are some serious things I need to discuss with you”.
“Something is going on”, Severus said.
“I’ve received a howler and a envelope filled with Bubotuber pus today.
Students are insubordinate, the rest of the staff is ignoring me… what’s going
on, Albus?”
The man regarded him over the rim of his
half moon spectacles. “You honestly have no idea, Severus?” he asked sternly.
“If I had, I won’t be asking”, he
snapped. “I’m sorry, Albus”, he added, “but this is getting on my nerves”.
“Well… the thing is…”Albus began. “It’s a
mixture of things really. After the war, I thought I could simply overlook your
Death Eater past and let you move on. But now it seems that it cannot be so”.
“What do you mean?” Severus asked, while
a feeling of dread stirred in the pit of his stomach.
“The wrongs you have done in your past
are too great”, Albus answered gravely. “They cannot be overlooked, they ought
not to be overlooked. You have betrayed our world. You’ve murdered and
tortured… you’ve lost your human nature, Severus”.
“You’re
a monster!” Hermione words flashed through his head upon hearing Albus
words. A lump started to form in his throat, but he forced it down. “And you’ve
decided this today”, he asked with an attempt at sarcasm.
Albus shook his head. “No, I’ve known
for a long time that I could not let you stay at Hogwarts. That I ought to send
you away and present you the Magical authorities. But I kept hoping that you
had changed.
But last night Miss. Granger told me
what you had done to her. You took advantage of her and it showed me that you
had not changed. In your heart you’re still a Death Eater”.
“I have not been a Death Eater for a
long time, Albus”, he retorted, “as you well know. And I did not mean to
violate Herm… Miss Granger. It was a simple kiss and it will not happen again”.
“You see”, Albus replied with a
triumphant glint in his eye, “this proves once more what you truly are. You
don’t even realise that what you have done is wrong. Your very conscience is
affected.
A pregnant silence hung between them. Severus
felt it was useless to defend himself. Everything that he would say would be
used against him.
“I want you to leave Hogwarts”, Albus
said eventually. “Pack your things and leave. You are not fit to be a teacher.
By Merlin, you are not even fit to be a human”.
“When do you want me to leave?” he asked
in a shallow voice.
“Tonight”, came the cold reply. “Pack
whatever you need on short notice, we will send the rest after you. Just
disappear from our lives”.
“Very well”, he rose to his feet, feeling
as if his legs had turned into wood. He looked into the face of the man he had
respected, trusted and cared for, for so many years. How was this possible? How
could even Albus turn his back to him?
Without saying another word he left
Albus’ office and rushed back to his rooms. Once inside his legs gave up on him
and he slide down across the wall and sat down on the floor.
The fight had left him. The rejection
was complete. It still didn’t make sense, but he felt he could no longer fight
against them. He didn’t think he could take another person rejecting him. It
wasn’t like him to give in that easily, without any fight, but all the strength
had left him. He had lost what was most important to him, his home. All his
life he had struggled to find a place were he belonged. He had searched for
friends and it had lead him on a dark path. Once he had discovered that the
Dark Lord and his followers were not the friends he wanted he had returned.
Under guidance and with the support of
Albus he had found a new purpose in life, spying for the Order of the Phoenix.
At first that too had brought him
loneliness and pain. Without being able to trust anyone, without any confidants
he had struggled alone for a long, dark time. Then Voldemort had been defeated.
And he had been free again. He had found Hermione.
Hermione… he heart sank even lower when
he thought of her. Over the years she had become the centre of his life, the
reason he got out of bed at the mornings. But she did not want to be with him.
She despised and loathed him, because of his past. And maybe she was right,
maybe Albus was right. He didn’t deserve happiness or peace. Not after what he
had done.
Slowly he began to pack a few
possessions he thought he might need. He had no idea were to go. It didn’t
matter anyway. Hogwarts was his home, the only home he had ever truly had. And
without it… He looked around him. His rooms… he had lived here the past twenty
years and despite everything, it was here were he had been the happiest.
What would the future have in store for
him? If his friends at Hogwarts couldn’t live with him one second longer, how
would the rest of the wizarding community act towards him?
How could this have happened? How could
he not have seen how his colleagues really felt about him? Was it only
yesterday that he had been preparing his laboratory looking forward to spend
the evening with Hermione?
“I only wanted to kiss her”, he
whispered softly, ‘am I to be punished for that so severely?”
After glancing one last time around his
room he walked to the door and closed it behind him. He could only hope that
Albus would stick to his word and send him the rest of his possessions later.
He walked from the dungeons to the
Entrance Hall. During that walked he met a few people, students and colleagues.
They all adverted his gaze after throwing one, loathing look at him.
He walked through the door over the lane
towards the gate. What was happening? Why did this happen? How was it possible
he walked here, abandoned and alone?
He was so deep in thought he didn’t see
the figure walking towards him, until he bumped into her. He raised his head
and looked straight into Hermione’s brown eyes.
“So, you’re finally leaving?” she asked,
her voice as cold as ice.
“I am”, he confirmed. He paused for a
second, trying to gather his thought into words, a sentence. “Hermione… why…?
There really was nothing between us? You pretended it all?”
“Of course I did”, she bit back. “You
don’t get it, do you? You’ve been a Death Eater, Severus. A Death Eater! You
have done the most despicable things imaginable. You shouldn’t even be alive.
And you actually thought that I could care about you?”
He stared at her, the words died on his
lips and his protests died in his mind. Finally realisation began to sink in.
They were right, Hermione, Albus, the students… he was condemned. His sins were
not to be forgiven. He didn’t deserve the happiness he had been searching for
so frantically. He did not deserve love. He didn’t deserve life…
A feeling of self disgust and self hate
hit him hard, making him feel physically ill. How could he have been so blind,
so stupid. Albus was right, even his conscience was bad.
Hermione walked passed without looking
at him once. Slowly, as if someone else controlled his body he walked outside
the gate, away from Hogwarts. Away from his home.
‘You
filthy bastard… you don’t deserve to live… how dare you sneak up behind me like
that?… your sins are to great… you don’t deserve forgiveness… how dare you to
think about me like that?… Did you honestly think I could love you… I’ll track
you down…”
The words of rejection and accusations,
spoken to him in the past day were spinning inside hid mind like a turmoil, the
voices became louder and louder until it screamed inside him, “you don’t deserve to live… you don’t deserve
happiness”
“YOU MONSTER!” It was like she
screamed it in his ear. The bag he was carrying dropped from his hand and cold
sweat started to form on his forehead. He grabbed his head as a stabbing pain
stabbed through his temples. His vision became blurred, the voices in his head
got louder. Then he collapsed on the ground and the world around him turned
black.
Chapter 4:
~*~
Slowly he became aware of his
surroundings. He was lying on something soft, surrounded by something warm. His
body hurt. A headache pounded through his head and he felt as if he hadn’t
moved his limbs in ages. He wanted to open his eyes, but didn’t find the
strength to do so.
Where was he? And more important, why
was he here? Was he at Hogwars? Hogwarts… all of a sudden he remembered.
Hermione… the howler… Albus firing him… He felt a feeling of despair wash over
him. No Hogwarts to return to, no place to stay… and now he was here in an
unfamiliar place and he didn’t even have the strength to find out where he was.
He tried again to open his eyes, but it
felt like they were glued together and after several futile attempts he gave
up. He tried to move his hands and legs but they refused to obey the orders of
his mind. Exhausted by the attempts he laid still again, imprisoned inside his
body, with his thoughts whirling inside him, adding to his misery.
Then he heard voices close by him. They
spoke in soft whispering tones and no matter how hard he tried, he could not
make out what they were saying. He tried to recognise the voices, but they were
too soft. He couldn’t make them out.
Suddenly something touched his face and
he stirred. Something moved over his cheek in slow, gentle movements. It felt
rather warm and soft. Then he recognised it, it was a hand. Someone was
stroking his face. But who was it?
The fingers continued caressing him.
Over his eyebrows, his hair, his mouth… Slowly he began to relax and lean in to
the touch. Imagining it to be Hermione, who was beside his bed, touching him
gently and lovingly. Even though it was impossible. Soon sleep took over him,
but he tried to fight it as long as possible, concentrating on the fingers on
his face. Eventually he drifted of to sleep.
~*~
When he awoke again he felt slightly
better. The headache had subside and he felt that he was able to move his
limbs. A soft voice was calling him, saying his name. Slowly he opened his eyes
and looked into the blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore. Memories of their last
encounter flashed through his mind. Albus telling him to leave… telling him
that he was not human… telling that he didn’t deserve to live. Why was he here,
who had brought him here?
“Where am I”, he managed to choke out.
His voice sounded hoarse and was barely more then a whisper.
“You’re in the Hospital Wing”, Albus
told him softly. “You gave us quite a fright, but you will be alright
now”.
“I’ll… leave”, he stammered, “I’ll
leave… as soon… as… I promise… I’ll leave”. He made a futile attempt to get up,
but Albus pushed him gently down on the bed again.
“Don’t distress yourself, boy”, he said
quietly, with a mixture of pain and worry on his face. “You don’t have to go
anywhere. Just rest”.
Those few words he had spoken and his
attempt to get up had drained all the strength from him. He leaned back in the
pillow, complety exhausted. And more confused then ever.
“You told me to leave…”, he whispered,
“You said…”
“Shhh…”, Albus replied, “I’m not sending
you away. Sleep now, we’ll talk when you are stronger. But you need to sleep
first”.
Questions, thoughts, emotions, it
whirled inside him like a December storm. But quickly fatigue took over once
again and he felt himself drifting of to sleep.
~*~
When he woke the third time he finally
felt more or less human again. ‘Bad analogy’, his mind scolded at him. He felt
he was able to stretch his limps and he did so with great relief. It felt like
he hadn’t moved in years. When he opened his eyes and turned his head he looked
straight into Hermione’s eyes. He felt a feeling of dread rise in him again.
Why was she here? Was she here to scold and insult once more?
“You’re awake”, she said in a soft
gentle tone. She reached out her hand to him, but he backed away in reflex. He
saw the confusion and sadness on her face. What was happening? Now she was
hurt?
“Hermione…” he began, but whatever he
might have said was interrupted by Poppy who moved towards them, holding a wand
in her hand.
“I need to cast a diagnostic spell over
you, Severus”, she said in a light, friendly voice, very unlike the last memory
he had of her. She performed the spell and gave Hermione, who had been looking
extremely worried a reassuring glance. “He will be alright, there are no
remains of the potion left inside him”.
He stared at the two woman. “What
potion? What is happening here?”
The door of the Hospital Wing flew open
and Albus walked in. He pulled out his wand and draw up two chairs which landed
next to his bed. Both he and Hermione sat down.
Poppy smiled. “Well, I’ll leave you to
it then”, she said cheerfully and walked away.
He returned his gaze to the two people
sitting next to his bed, looking questionably.
“There is one thing I would like to ask you
first”, Albus started. “Do you remember Monday night on February the 12th?”
He thought back for a moment. February
the 12th… then he remembered. That was the night Hermione and he had worked on
the Delirium Potion, the night before he had tried to kiss her. “Yes, I do”, he
answered, “what date is it today”.
“It’s February the 22nd”, Hermione told
him.
“What?” he blurted out. How was that
possible? How could ten days have past when he only remembered two of them? How
long had he been unconsciousness”.
“Do you remember anything particular
from that evening?” Albus asked.
He shook his head. “No, Hermione and I
worked on the Delirium Potion, but we couldn’t finish it that night… so we
stopped and agreed to continue the following day…” He looked at Hermione who
nodded in agreement. “Then you left and I cleared away my tools… and then I
went to bed”. He paused for a moment and
then he remembered something else. “No wait a minute… there came a house elf.
He carried a mug of chocolate and said he was sent by you, Albus. I drank the
chocolate and then I went to bed…”
Albus and Hermione exchanged worried
glances. “Then it’s true…”Albus muttered softly. Then he looked at Severus.
“That house elf that came to you was Kreacher and he certainly did not came on
my orders. The chocolate he gave you contained the Gnidaerd Potion”.
There was a silence between them and
then Severus closed his eyes and groaned softly. “No… the Gnidaerd Potion…” Of
course, that explained it all.
“It was only a dream then?” he asked
softly.
Albus shook his head. “Not so much as a
dream, more a hallucination. You probably have very vivid memories of it”.
He nodded, trying to comprehend what
Albus had just told him. It had not been real, Hermione’s rejection, Albus
firing him…, it had been a hallucination. The Gnidaerd Potion had forced him to
live through his worst fears. It all made sense now. How all of a sudden
everyone had seemed to be against him… how they had all hated him all of
sudden.
It was after all his greatest fear,
being rejected by Hermione and losing her friendship and losing Hogwarts and his
home.
He looked up again. “Kreacher, wasn’t
that the House elf who belonged to the Black family? How did you know it was
him?”
Albus nodded. “You didn’t come to
breakfast that morning of the 13th. We went to your room and found you in your
bed, unconscious. We brought you to the Hospital Wing and Poppy tried every
spell she knew on you, but you didn’t regain conscious. We were just about to
send you to St. Mungo’s when Dobby asked to see me. He told me that Kreacher
had been acting strangely over the past days, constantly punishing himself.
Dobby thought that I should know about that”.
Hermione continued. “After Sirius had
died, the last of the Black’s, Kreacher went to live with the Malfoy Family.
They were without a House elf, because Harry had set Dobby free. But, after the
downfall of Voldemort, there were no Malfoy’s left and Kreacher was given
clothes”.
“Kreacher was devoted to the House of
Malfoy”, Albus told. “He blamed you for their deaths and for the downfall of
Voldemort who he supported too. He swore he would take revenge. Last year he
came to Hogwarts and asked for a job. I was surprised, but I granted him his
request, hoping that the environment of Hogwarts would benefit him”.
He paused for a moment and Severus
noticed a flicker of guilt in his eyes. “But it turned out it had all been part
of the plan. He gave you the Gnidaerd Potion, and hoped that you would die
because of the results. But he had overlooked one detail. He still was too much
of a House elf to carry out his plan without punishing himself. That was what caught the attention
of the other House- elfs. Since he serves Hogwarts, I could order him to tell
me what he had done.
Once we knew that we could set up a
Patronus Guard around you, to protect you from the effects of the Gnideard
Potion. But it took several days, before the potion was out of your system”.
Severus remained silent for a few
moment, trying to digest what Albus had told him… Kreacher… seeking revenge
because of the Malfoy family. “What will happen with Kreacher?” he asked.
“I’ve turned him over to the Ministry of
Magic”, Albus answered. “They will have to deal with him”. He paused for a
second and then continued. “Severus, I don’t know what the Gnideard Potion
forced you to experience, but whatever it was, it was not real. You said
something about having to leave Hogwarts… That too was part of the
hallucination, you belong here”.
All the sadness and distress of his
memories were lifted from him by these words.
“I know”, he said quietly, “but it all seems so real”.
Poppy walked towards them again. “He
needs to rest now”, she told Albus and Hermione. “This had been a very
exhausting ordeal for him, not to mention emotionally draining, and he needs
plenty of rest to recover from it”.
Albus nodded and rose. “You are right
Poppy. He does needs rest, take good care of him”. He looked at Severus again.
“Sleep well my friend”, he said genuinely. “You need to get better”. With those
words he left the Hospital Wing.
He turned his gaze to Hermione. She had not
said much during the past few minutes and looked into space with a sad
expression on her face. When she sensed his gaze however, she smiled to him.
Hesitantly she reached out, pausing a second before touching him. Then she
placed her hand on his arm. He felt the warmth of her hand through the material
of his pyjama and he held his breath briefly, silently enjoying her touch.
“Get well soon, Severus”, she whispered
softly. Then she too rose and left. He resisted the urge to call her back and
ask her to stay with him. He watched her leaving, her crimson red robes
billowing behind her. At first he felt he could never fall asleep with all
those thoughts and emotions whirling inside him, but soon enough he felt how
exhausted the conversation with Albus and Hermione had made him and soon he
fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.
Chapter 5:
~*~
Three days later he was allowed to leave
the Hospital Wing. When he returned to his quarters that afternoon he found a
small note pinned to his door. He folded the piece of parchment open and read
it.
Dear Severus,
So Poppy let you finally out, did she?
Don’t bury yourself in work,
like you always do.
Just get better first.
Take care!
Love,
Hermione
He smiled and folded the letter inside
his robes. Slowly he walked inside his room and looked around him. It felt
strange to be back here. He had honestly believed he would never return here.
He still found it hard to believe that
all his memories from the those days were nothing more then hallucinations. It
stood all so vividly in his head. He sat down and closed his eyes for a moment,
playing everything that Albus and Hermione had told him back inside his head.
So it had been Kreacher… Kreacher who had wanted him dead…
And he nearly had succeeded. If Albus
hadn’t found out that Kreacher had put Gnidaerd Potion in his chocolate he
would have eventually killed himself. In the past two days he had brushed up
his knowledge of the Potion. A person who had taken the Gnidaerd Potion was
forced to experience more and more of his fears, until he could no longer bear
it and decided to end it all.
The memories seemed so real, but on the
other hand, the more he thought about it, the more he realised it had truly
been an hallucination. If it would happen to him in real life, he would have
acted completely different. He wouldn’t have let Albus send him away like that,
without putting up a fight, he wouldn’t have let Hermione insult him like that,
without defending himself. But the potion had changed that too. It was another
thing he dreaded, not being able to defend himself.
But still, in a part of his mind the
doubt still lingered. His feelings had been so real. He could still feel the
burning shame after Hermione had turned him down and the desperation he had
felt when Albus had told him that he should leave Hogwarts.
He thought he come to terms with his
past, but right now everything was mixed up again and a part of him doubted
himself. Was it really that easy? Could his past be just overlooked like that?
He had never doubted the sincerity of Albus when he told him he deserved a
second change, but the events of the last two weeks had put his life into a
whole new perspective.
And then Hermione. He cringed at the
memory of that. How horrible had it been to hear her say all those things to
him. He had never really believed that there might be a change that she loved
him, but now he felt completely without hope. Hermione might be able to work
with him, she would never let him be more then a friend to her. And when she
found out about his feelings, she would repulsed. She would think he was a
lecherous old man and she would never look at him again. He decided that no
matter what happened, he would never tell her what she had said to him. If he
did, he had to tell her that he loved her and he would face the risk of losing
her. And he didn’t dare to take that risk, knowing the pain it would cost him
if she rejected him.
With his head still full of worries and
confusion he went to bed early. Quickly sleep overtook him.
~*~
He was standing behind her in his laboratory. She turned around and all
of a sudden she was in his arms. He tightened his grip on her, relishing the
feeling of her in his arms. He reached up his hand and caressed her cheek.
Cupping her face in his hand he lowered his head to hers, until their lips
almost touched…
The next moment they stood in the hall. It was dark around them and
freezing cold. There were no moon or stars. She backed away from him, and her
face expressed fury and disgust. “You did it again!” she yelled, “You bastard!
You wanted to do it again!”
He reached out his hands to her, but she backed away further. “Hermione
please…”, his eyes were pleading with her.
“Don’t you dare to touch me!” she shrieked, “get away from me, you
overgrown bat!” She got further and further away from him, continuing to shout
insults to him. He tried to ran after her, but the distance between them only
grew wider. The hall became endless while he ran after her, desperately trying
to touch her, to get her to listen to him.
Eventually exhaustion overtook him and he sank on his knees.
“Hermione…”, he begged softly, watching as she drove further away from him.
“Hermione…please. Hermione!…. HERMIONE!!!”
He shoot right up in his bed, looking
around him in panic, his hands clawing at the mattress. His feet were tangled
in the sheet and he felt cold sweat running from his head and back. He wiped it
away from his temple and noticed that his hands were shaking. Slowly he got his
breathing under control and got out of bed. The images of his nightmare still
run through his head.
He pulled on a dressing gown and a pair
of socks and walked to the living area. He probably won’t fall asleep again
anytime soon so he decided that perhaps a cup of tea would make him feel better.
He had just took the kettle from the fireplace when he heard frantic knocking
on the door.
“Severus?… Severus are you there? Are you alright?…. Severus…. Please open the
door!” he recognised Hermione’s voice. Quickly he crossed the room and opened
the door. Hermione was still knocking fiercely and when he opened the door she
lost her balance and almost tripped over.
He steadied her by grasping her upper
arms. “Are you alright?” she asked urgently.
“Yes I am”, he answered bewildered,
“Hermione, what’s the matter?”
“I heard you screaming…”she told him,
trying to catch her breath, “you were screaming my name… you sounded so… lost…”
“I’m sorry”, he answered quietly. “I had
a nightmare, I didn’t mean to scare you”.
“Don’t worry about that”, she answered.
He let go of her arms and turned away, but she placed her hand on his arm to
prevent it. “Are you sure, you’re alright?” she asked softly.
He smiled at her. “I am, Hermione, it
was just a nightmare… nothing more”. He turned back to the kettle and filled it
with water. “Would you like some tea, since I have already woke you?”
“That would be nice”, she answered and
sat down in one of the large armchairs. It was only then he noticed what she
wore. She was clad in a long, silky sleeping gown with spaghetti straps. Her
hair was loose and felt freely around her shoulders and over her back. He felt
his heart skip several beats and he almost spilled the boiling water. Quickly
he poured two cups of tea and walked over to the couch.
When he placed the cup in front of her,
he noticed that she was shivering. He took of his dressing gown and handed it
to her. “But now you’ll get cold”, she protested. He shook his head.
“I won’t, I’m wearing rather thick
pyjamas and if do get cold, I can always grab the blanket”. He pointed at the
blanket lying over the back of the couch. Reluctantly she agreed and pulled on
the dark green dressing gown. It was much too big for her. The sleeves fell
over her hands and the hem reached the ground. He thought she looked adorable
and he fought the urge to take her in his arms. But the memories of the
Gnidaerd Potion and the nightmare he had a few minutes ago held him back.
She sat down on the chair again and
tucked her feet below her. He sat down on the couch and both of them sipped
their tea in silence for some time. After a while Hermione broke the silence
and looked at him.
“What happened to you in the past few
days, Severus?” she asked softly. “I know it’s still on your mind”.
He shook his head. “They are just memories,
I only need to forget them”, he answered.
“Then talk about them”, she urged him,
“get them out of you. You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, but
then talk to Albus”.
Her voice sounded so pleadingly, so
convincing. And he needed to get it off of his chest, he needed to share his
worries with someone. Slowly he began to tell. He told her about the Bubotuber
Pus letter, about the talking of the students, about the howler and eventually
about Albus firing him. He left the parts out that concerned her. He knew that
he could not tell her about that. If he did she would know, she would know that
he loved her… and she would reject him. Perhaps not as harsh as in his memory,
but she would anyway. And it would hurt just as much.
When he was finished he noticed there
were tears streaming down her face. “Oh Severus”, she said softly, “that must
have been so terrible”.
“It wasn’t real”, he answered, “thank
goodness. But I still feel…”he hesitated for a moment. “I wonder… I’ve come to
terms with what I’ve done… or so I thought. But now…I don’t know it anymore… I
have been a Death Eater, Hermione… I’ve done terrible things… they shouldn’t be
overlooked…”
“Now you listen to me”, Hermione began
sternly and he was surprised to hear a note of anger in her voice, “First of
all, you have made that choice years ago… your not the same person as you were
then. Secondly, you’ve never murdered or tortured yourself. Albus told me. You
belonged to a group who did so, but there’s a difference. And thirdly, you are
not inhuman. I know you’re not, you never were. Remember that time in my third
year when you came after us into the shrieking shack? I saw you later, because
of the timeturner, after the Dementor attack. You drew stretchers and placed us
all on them. You didn’t have to do that… You could have just magiced us all in,
like Sirius did to you, but you didn’t…”
He smiled softly, his heart swelling
with emotions. Here she was, comforting him, easing his pain… When he looked
into her eyes, he saw that she was watching him with a small frown on her face.
“Severus… what did I do to you?” she
asked quietly. He knew she didn’t ask out of curiosity. He hesitated for a
moment. What could he tell her? Slowly he began to speak.
“I spoke to you… after Albus had fired
me. You said he was right… that I didn’t deserve happiness… I asked you if you
were my friend… if you had ever cared for me. You said you didn’t. You said
that you only wanted to be around me because you needed a job and a place to
stay…” He didn’t dare to look in her eyes, so instead he watched the floor.
The next moment she sat next to him on
the couch. He looked in her eyes and saw fresh tears streaming over her face.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him against her. In response he
slide his arms around her waist and hold her close. He fought to keep his
emotions in check as he clung on to her, eagerly absorbing the comfort she
provided. After a while she pulled back a little and looked in his eyes.
“Severus… I do care about you. Not because
of the job or anything, I… l… like you, so much. I would never turn my back on
you like that”.
More tears spilled over her face and he
brushed them away gently. “I know, Hermione, I know. It was just a
hallucination, nothing more…” He enfolded her in his arms once again and held
her close. She rested her head on his shoulder, her arm still around his neck.
He felt her softly caressing the back of his neck, causing shivers to run up
and down his spine.
He had his arm wrapped around her waist
and with his other hand he caressed her hair softly, twisting it between his
fingers.
It felt so good to hold her like this.
Her warm body pressed against his, her arms around him. He tightened his hold
on her, savouring the feel of it. He smelled the sweet smell of the shampoo she
used. He inhaled deeply, wanting to remember it forever. They sat for a long
while like that, not talking, only touching and holding on to each other.
Finally he noticed that her hands were
no longer moving. He looked down and what he saw took his breath away. She had
fallen asleep against his shoulder, a soft smile playing on her mouth. She
looked so peaceful and happy like that. Her breathing was deep and even and for
a moment he watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Carefully he
disentangled her arm from around his neck. She placed one hand under her head
and snuggled closer against him, never waking up. Her other hand moved over his
chest and came to rest where his heart was. He felt his heart beat against her
fingers and watched as her breathing came in pace with his own. Carefully he
placed a soft kiss on her temple, marvelling at how soft her skin was. “Sweet
dreams, Mione”, he whispered.
He leaned back for a moment, letting his
head drop on the arm rest of the couch, pulling her with him. He knew he had to
bring her back to her own rooms and put her to bed, but for a moment longer he
wanted to hold her, pretending that she was his. She murmured something in her
sleep he couldn’t make out, but he could tell she was still sleeping
peacefully. He stroke her hair tenderly, burying his hands in the warm curls,
relishing the feel of it.
He glanced at the grandfather clock on
he wall. It was half past two in the morning. He really should bring her back
now. If she knew he was doing this, she would probably be very angry. ‘Just one
more minute’, he told himself. ‘One more minute, then I’ll bring her
back’.
He felt his eyes get heavier and he
fought to stay awake. He couldn’t fall asleep like this. He had to bring her back
first, he had to get up. ‘One more minute… only one second…’ Slowly his eyes
fell close and he drifted of to sleep, cradling her close in his arms.
~* ~
An hour later he woke, but only half.
When he realised that she was still in his arms he sighed contentedly and
pulled the blanket over them, covering them, keeping them warm, And he fell
asleep once again.
Chapter 6:
~*~
When he woke up the next morning, he
felt relaxed and at peace. For a moment he dozed on, trying to hold that
blissful feeling. He’d had a wonderful dream. Mione had fallen asleep in his
arms…
It was only when he stretched his limbs
a little that he realised there was someone with him. His eyes widened in shock
as he looked down and realised that Hermione indeed was in his arms.
Somewhere during the night they had
shifted position. Hermione was tucked safely between the back of the couch and
his body, half lying over his chest. One of her arms was draped over his chest,
the other clung on his shoulder. He still had his arms protectively around her
waist.
The memories of the previous night
returned, bringing a smile to his face and a his heart glowed with happiness.
For a moment he closed his eyes again, savouring the feeling of holding her,
inhaling her scent mixed with his own.
Then she stirred against him. He watched
half in fear, half in anticipation. This was the only time he would ever see
her wake up in his arms and he would memorise every detail of it.
Her eyes fluttered open and she looked
around her groggily. When she met his eyes she smiled sleepily and snuggled
back against him, not the least bit surprised to be there. “Good morning”, she
said, her voice still a little hoarse.
Severus let out the breath he hadn’t
realised he had been holding. “Good morning”, he answered. Regretfully he sat
up, taking her with him. He stepped of the couch and watched Hermione as she
rubbed the remainder of sleep out of her eyes and smoothed her hair. “I fell
asleep on you, didn’t I?” she asked.
“You did”, he answered, “I really should
have brought you back to your own room, but I fell asleep myself”.
“Don’t worry about it”, she replied
smiling, “I slept rather well actually. It’s Saturday isn’t it?”
“It is”, he answered, “and it’s…”
At that moment her stomach rumbled
loudly. “… half past nine”, he finished, “high time for breakfast”.
“You don’t say it”, she muttered dryly.
“Shall I get us something to eat from
the house elfs?” he suggested.
She got to her feet. “Sounds good”, she
answered, starting to fold the blanket.
He walked to the fireplace and took the
Floo powder pot from the mantelpiece. “What would you like to have for
breakfast, Mione?”, he asked without thinking. It was only after he heard her
sharp intake of breath that he realised what he had said.
He spun around, watching her horrified.
She looked at him with a look of total shock on her face.
“What would you like to have for
breakfast, Hermione”, he repeated desperately.
“What did you call me?” she asked softly
He couldn’t believe this was happening.
His nightmare was coming true this time. He had tried so hard to prevent this
situation form happening and now he had given himself away by one slip of the
tongue. How could he undo this? How could he stop her from running away from
him?
“I… I didn’t mean to… It was just a slip
of the tongue, forgive me Hermione…”
She walked closer to him, until she was
only one step away from him. “What happened in your hallucination, Severus?”
she asked slowly. “What did I do to you? There is more then you’ve already told
me… I know there is”.
He closed his eyes, trying to shut out
the image of her face. Her face that would be filled with horror and disgust in
a few seconds.
“We were in my office, working on the
Delirium Potion… I tried to kiss you… I believed you wanted that too… but you…
didn’t... You said you could never have feelings for me”.
The silence hung between them for a
couple of long seconds. He braced himself inwardly for her outburst… for her
fury.
She took one more step, closing the
distance between them and placed her hands on his chest. Surprised he looked
into her eyes. She did not look angry or upset. In her eyes he saw joy,
determination and something else…
“I see”, she said softly, “I think it’s
time you got new memories”. Her hands moved around his neck and she stood on
her tip toes. Then she pressed her lips against his.
For a long moment he stood there,
completely motionless, unable to move. She continued to place soft, delicate
kisses on his lips, her hands sliding up into his hair. Hesitantly he placed
his hands on her waist, not daring to believe his senses. It was impossible.
She could not be here, touching him, kissing him. Tentatively he began to
respond, moving his lips against hers, still afraid that she might pull away.
But when she did not pull away and only
moved closer against him, his desire for her finally took over. He wrapped his
arms around her waist, cradling her as close against him as possible. All
reasonable thought left him as he kissed her passionately, pouring the love he
felt for her inside her. Everything around him faded, he was only aware of her
mouth, responding to him with equal intensity and her warm body pressed against
his.
After several minutes they parted, both
of them breathing heavily. He pulled her into a hug, resting his forehead
against hers. “I will definitely remember this”, he whispered.
~*~
Hermione returned to her rooms and both
of them changed quickly out of their night clothes. Then she returned to his
rooms for their belated breakfast. It turned into a rather intimate affair,
since both of them were sitting on the couch, snuggled close against each
other.
After he had disposed the dishes he sat
down on the couch again and pulled her in his arms. “I love you”, he told her
seriously, gently stroking her face.
“I love you too”, she answered, wrapping
her arms around his neck once again. He claimed her mouth again in a gentle,
leisured kiss.
Later he told her exactly what had
happened after he had token the Gnidaerd Potion. He left no detail out and
after he was done she cupped his face in her hands and looked at him intently.
“I love you Severus Snape and I have for a long time. I would never, ever
willingly hurt you like that”.
“I know”, he whispered, kissing her
forehead. “I love you, Hermione”. He kissed her again, finally putting the
demons of the past events at rest. When they finally parted she caressed his
face lovingly. The gesture reminded him of something and he caught her hand in
his own.
“When I woke up the first time in the
Hospital Wing I couldn’t open my eyes or move. But I heard voices and I felt
someone stroking my face… was that you?”
She nodded. “I’ve been so worried about
you. When we found you that morning… No one had a clue as to what was going on
with you. At first your condition only got worse and I was so afraid that you
would die before… before I could tell you that I loved you”, tears started to
spill from her eyes and he enfolded her in his arms again.
“Sh…it’s alright” he whispered, kissing
away the tears from her face, “it’s over now”.
She nodded tearfully and snuggled
contentedly against him, a smile already spreading on her face again. He
tightened her hold on her, realising that he had found his home and his love. The effects of
the Gnidaerd Potion had finally disappeared, his fears were buried for good,
now that he held the proof of his dreams in his arms.
Somehow you reach in me and you touch my
heart
Somehow you reach in, you touch my soul
When I look at you, I see everything we
could be
Eyes wide open, looking at me
What can I offer you that you’ve never
seen
Just don’t be afraid, someone is
watching
You will
see
Somehow when you smile the day seems
brighter
Somehow when you smile you melt my heart
When I look at you I see all the things
we should be
And in your darkest hour, hold out your
hand for me
Something will guide you, I’ll be beside
you
And when it’s rough out there, I’m with
you everywhere
I will be right behind you if you should
fall
Someday you will find everything you
look for
Someday you will find a love like mine
When you smile at her you’ll feel the
things you could be
Eyes wide open, looking at me
What can I offer you that you’ve never
seen
Just don’t be afraid, someone is
watching
You will see, you will see
Somehow you reach in and you touch my
heart
Somehow you reach in, you touch my soul
When I look at you, I see everything we
could be
Produced
and performed by Phil Collins