Griselda La Fey

 
                                                       Waking Nightmare

Disclaimer:

All things you recognise belong to J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros and probably a lot of other people.

 

Author’s notes:

My second attempt on SS/HG fiction. I hope you’ll like it. The rating is for the use of language.

 

Summary:
Severus and Hermione have become close friends and Severus is able to see the future in a brighter light. Then his world collapses around him as his worst fears become reality.

 

       

       ~*~

Chapter 1:

The Potionsmaster and his assistant.

 

“How about we call it a night and continue this tomorrow?” Severus suggested.

 

Hermione nodded in agreement en started to clean her workspace. “I think you’re right. We will never finish this potion before midnight and we both have an early start tomorrow”.

She finished by putting her books and parchment in her bag and smiled at him. “Good night, Severus”.

 

He responded to her with a warm smile of his own. “Good night, Hermione, sleep well”. He watched her as she left his office. ‘Who would have thought?’ he mussed while he cleaned his own tools, ‘that one day I would become friends with the Gryffindor know-it-all’.

 

Voldemort was gone. Harry Potter had defeated him during his seventh year. His imperial of terror an evil was finally over and the wizard community was free at last.

Severus Snape was free at last. He had been cleared form all charges of being a former Death Eater and was awarded for his services to the Order of the Phoenix.

 

But what was more, he was finally happy. Over the years he had come to terms with his feelings of guilt and self disgust. Slowly he let go of the guilt of the sins of his youth and started to enjoy life again. And all that, mostly because of one woman. Hermione Granger.

 

After graduation she had found herself in a difficult situation. Her parents, who had never been completely happy with her magical abilities had asked her to give up the wizarding world and return to the Muggle world. But Hermione, being the most intelligent witch of her year had of course refused. She wished to attend the Wizard University of Paris to improve her potions and Aritmathy skills. In the end her parents had forced her to make a choice. Either she would give up her ‘wizard lifestyle’ or they would withdraw all financial support from her.

 

And Hermione had chosen. She choose to be what she really was, a witch. Without money, without a home and without any hopes for the future, Hermione had endured some of the most dreadful months of her life. Until Dumbledore had offered her a solution.

 

He had offered her a position at Hogwarts as potions assistant. She would be able to remain at Hogwarts and assist the Potionsmaster in his task. With the money she earned, she could afford her academical study.

 

At first he, Severus had been sceptical about the whole plan. The thought of working together with the insufferable Gryffindor know-it-all was anything but appealing to him. But he had understand the girls desperate situation. And he was not that heartless to refuse to help her. So he reluctantly agreed.

 

The first half year had been plain dreadful. He had tried to make her life as miserable as possible, always scolding and snapping at her for the tiniest mistakes. He had been a complete and utter bastard to her, treating her even worse then those seven years when she was a student. Basically just taking all his pent up anger and frustration out on her. And she took it all, without comments. She gritted her teeth when he yelled at her and tried her best to please him.

 

Until one night. He had scolded at her for almost half an hour because she had sliced the akondaroots one millimetre too thick. It didn’t really had an effect on the potion, but he had taken the opportunity to yell at her.

All of a sudden she had thrown her knife back at her workspace and tuned to face him, shaking with fury.

“How dare you?” she had hissed, her eyes blazing with anger. “I’ll try to work my utmost best, you know that and you know that I am a capable assistant. How dare you treat me like a doormat, just because you know a bit more about the subject then I do? I’ve had it with you, you can find yourself another assistant!”

And with that she had left his office, leaving him totally and completely bewildered for maybe the first time in his life.

 

It was only after she had left that he realised what he had done. And with a jolt of shock he had realised another thing. She was right! She was a very capable potions assistant. The only one he could tolerate around him. Despite her youth she was one of the most intelligent people he knew and she knew almost as much about potions as he did. After an hour of pacing through his rooms he realised he would miss her if she resigned.

 

So he did the hardest thing he had ever done. He had gone to her and apologised. And she accepted his apology. They never talked about it anymore, but from that day on he treated her as an equal. And slowly a friendship between the two of them started. He discovered that they had more in common then their mutual passion for potions. They shared the same taste in literature and music. They often ended up on the couch of his living room, drinking a glass of wine and talking deep into the night. The more time they spend together, the more he began to appreciate her. Until that moment he had only seen her as a girl, as a former student. But in front of his eyes she began to change into a confident, smart and (although he hardly dared to admit it to himself) beautiful woman. Two years passed in this comfortable manner until a second event shook his world.

 

Oliver Wood returned to Hogwarts as the new flying instructor. From a handsome boy he had turned into an absolutely gorgeous man, sweeping practically every female seventh-year of her feet. But he only had eyes for Hermione.

At first he hadn’t read too much into it, until Hermione cancelled an appointment with him because she had a date with Oliver.

Feeling as if the bottom had dropped out of his stomach he had mumbled something along the lines of “that’s quite alright, Hermione, we can always reschedule” and hurried to his private quarters.

 

Once inside he had collapsed on his bed, his thoughts running in a turmoil. What in Merlin’s name was happening to him? It was impossible. He could not have developed romantic feelings towards a former student, a girl more then 20 years his junior!

But the mere thought of her and Oliver walking through Hogsmede, holding hands and kissing under a tree, made him feel physically ill.

Finally he dared to admit it to himself. He was jealous. As ridiculous as it might sound, he was jealous of everyone who received attention from her, who spend time with her.

 

He spend the night awake, tossing and turning, fighting the urge to get up and check if she was already in.

 

He had both dreaded and longed for the morning. During breakfast he had hardly dared to look at her. From a few quick glances he had stole from her he had learned that she looked usual calm, composed self. He didn’t know what to make of it.

When breakfast almost had ended, Oliver Wood had walked in. He hadn’t paid any attention to Hermione and she didn’t seem to mind.

 

That afternoon he had overheard a conversation between Hermione and Minerva McGongall who wanted to know how her date had gone. “It didn’t work out”, Hermione told her. “I do like him, but as a friend, nothing more. And luckily he feels the same way about me”.

 

Lucky indeed. He felt as if a stone was lifted from his stomach, as if his life started again. And he realised that he was in love with her. As impossible as it might sound, he had fallen for her. Hard. When he thought about later, it wasn’t so impossible. They thought alike, they shared the same sense of humour. Yes, he had a sense of humour, Hermione was just one of the few people who recognised it. He felt comfortable around her, he liked spending time with her.

 

The first time he was alone with her after his discovery was very difficult. He was so afraid of  betraying his feelings, of showing subconsciously how he felt about her. It was so hard not to touch her. When she smiled at him he barely held it together, the urge to pull her against him was overwhelming. Mione had bewitched him and there was nothing he wanted to do about it. ‘Mione’ was the pet name which he used to call her in his mind.

 

Mione… but she would never be his. She could never return his feelings. He was so much older then her, he had a past. A dark past full of things he regretted deeply. In time he had learned to forgive himself, but he could not expect her to forgive him. She was so young, she had her life in front of her. A life full of opportunities. He would only stand in her way. He stood her back and loved her from a distance. He enjoyed the friendship they shared, treasuring it as the most important thing of his life. But he kept his feelings buried inside him.

It was difficult. Some evenings when they sat on the couch, sipping wine and staring into the flames of the fire he had to fight the urge to wrap his arms around her and kiss her. Kiss her until she stopped fighting him. Kiss her until she began to respond. Kiss her until she could think of nothing else, kiss her until she melted into him, kiss her until she admitted that she felt the same way. And then kiss her some more.

 

But he never did. He didn’t dare to take the risk. Didn’t dare to lose her. Another two years past. She graduated from University with top marks. For a moment he had feared that she would leave him.

But thankfully Irini Vector resigned as Arithmathy teacher and Hermione took her place. They continued on their potions research. The more time they spend together, the more his love for her grew. But still he didn’t say anything. After all, he couldn’t bear the thought of her rejection. Of her pity

 

“Professor Snape, sir”, the voice of a particularly ugly house elf interrupted his thoughts.

 

“What is it?” he asked bewildered. Usually house elfs didn’t come to his private chambers.

 

“Professor Dumbledore told me to give Professor Snape this, sir”, the elf squeaked. He held out a steaming cup of chocolate. “Professor Dumbledore says it’s a new recipe”.

 

Albus of course. Brilliant as he was, the man was a bit… of an idiot sometimes. If the headmaster had taken a liking to a particular recipe or candy, he tried to convince the entire staff to like it as much as he did.

 

“Very well”, he took the cup from the house elf. “You can tell the headmaster that I have tried it”.

 

“Yes Professor Snape, sir”, and with a flick the house elf disappeared.

 

He drank the chocolate slowly. To be honest, it didn’t taste too bad. Shortly after that he changed into his night clothes and made his way to bed.

 

Chapter 2

The beginning of a dream

 

       ~*~

The next morning he met her in the corridors, just before breakfast. They both had their personal rooms in the dungeons, a reminder of Hermione’s time as Potions assistant. “Let’s continue on that potion tonight”, he suggested.

She nodded in agreement. “I’m very curious to find out what the effect of the use of asfodil will be in a delirium-potion. Shall we start around half past seven?”

 

This was another thing he liked about her. Her endless curiosity and thirst for knowledge. They could spend hours together, just discussing various hypotheses. What would happen if you mixed ingredient X with ingredient Y?

 

Together they walked to the Great Hall. Hermione was telling him about a letter she had send to her parents. “I just hope they will answer. I hope we can end this disagreement”.

 

“Do you miss them?” he asked softly.

 

She nodded. “Of course. They are my parents after all. And… it’s so hard to know that I have disappointed them”.

 

“They should not be disappointed by you, Hermione”, he answered. “Look at what you have accomplished. They should be proud of you, you’ve deserved that…”

 

He bit his tongue. This were the moments he feared he had said too much, had revealed too much. It was just so hard to hide his feelings from her all the time. Quickly he added, “after all, you’ve even managed to get me to like you”.

‘That’s it, Snape’, he thought inwardly, ‘joke your way out. You could have sank no lower’.

 

She hit his arm playfully. “You’re not as bad as you want people to believe, Severus”. She laughed out lout when she saw the scowl on his face.  “I won’t tell anyone, I promise!”.

 

~*~

The day passed slowly and uneventfully. He tried to improve the student’s potion’s skills, but his mind was not on the job. Things had changed. The students had changed. Many of the Slyterin students were no longer indoctrinated by their parents, the rivalry between the houses, particularity between Gryffindor and Slytherin had become lesser. He no longer had to favour his own house, to buy the approval of the Slyterin parents.

 

He longed for the evening. A part of him dreaded the times he spent alone with her in his lab. The danger of revealing his feelings for her was always present. But on the other half he lived for those evenings. The closeness, the intimacy. He could pretend, even if it was only in his head that there was more between them then a platonic relationship.

 

After a long, tedious afternoon and an even longer dinner, he went to his laboratory to prepare. Hermione joined him half an hour later. While she brewed the delirium potion, he set up wards around the  lab, in case something went wrong. He also sliced the asfodil in tiny, equal parts. While he was working he kept stealing glances at her. Her hair was in a simple ponytail and a wave of brown curls fell over her back. She stood slightly bend over the cauldron, a look of total concentration on her face. She always was so focused in what she did. If only… if only there weren’t twenty years between them. If only he had not been a Death Eater. Although he had come to terms with his past, he still felt it would be wrong if he would trust it upon her. Not that it was about to happen. She would never regard him as more then a estimated friend and colleague.

 

Her voice pulled him from his train of thoughts. “Severus, I believe that the potion is ready”.

 

He stepped up behind her and looked over her shoulder to the bowling, deep purple liquid. It was perfect, like everything else she did. “So it would seem”, he answered.

 

She turned her head slightly. “Shall we add the Asfodil?”

 

She was too close. His face was only inches away from her skin. He could smell the perfume she wore. The temptation to run his hand through her soft hair was overwhelming. She didn’t speak or move and the air became heavy with anticipation.

 

For a moment a flicker of hope rose inside him. Could it be possible? Could it be possible that she wanted him as much as he wanted her? His hands moved on their own accord, refusing to obey the frantic instructions of his mind.

One of his hands settled on her waist, turning her slowly. With his other  hand he cupped her face.

 

He marvelled at how soft her skin was. Smooth like velvet. Slowly, very slowly he lowered his head, wanting this perfect moment to last forever. When he brushed his lips against hers he felt a shiver ran through his body.

 

But the next moment her hand made contact with his cheek. She had slapped him. Hard. Breaking off physical contact immediately he stepped back, confusion and disbelief clear on his face.

 

Her eyes were black with anger. Her fury was nothing compared to her outburst four years ago. She was trembling from head to toe, pointing her finger at him accusingly.

“Slimy bastard!” she hissed, ‘how dare sneak up behind me like that?” 

 

“Hermione… I’m sorry… I did not mean…” but she did not even tried to listen to his explanations.

 

“How dare you to take advantage of me?” she shrieked, her hands clenched into fists. “How dare you to touch me?”

 

“Hermione, please… I did not want to make you uncomfortable…” he tried to reason with her, but she was acting beyond reasonable thought.

 

“How could you possible think I wanted… THAT”, Hermione wailed, her voice almost hysteric.

 

A feeling started to rise inside him. It felt like anger, but it was different. It was hurt. He knew she did not love him, but seeing her disgust at what he had wanted to do, knowing that the woman he loved was repulsed by the thought of him touching her broke his heart. And the easiest way to show that hurt was anger. Anger had always been the easiest emotion to express.

 

“I am sorry, Hermione”, he stated, his fury matching hers, “but again, I did not intend to offend you and I can assure you that it will not happen again!”

 

She gasped for breath. “I’ll make sure it will never happen again, greasy git”, she spat. “I will never look at you again, you… you pervert”. She turned around  and stormed out of his office, leaving him absolutely speechless.

 

                                                                                              ~*~

It took him a long time to gather his thoughts. Her words and insults kept ringing inside his head. Apart from anger and hurt another feeling started inside him. Shame. Deep, burning shame. How could he have thought she wanted him? How could he have thought she would not back away from him?

 

But a part him still felt confused. Her rejection had been so cruel, so harsh. He knew she did not feel the same, but deep down inside, he had always held this little hope that she would. Or at least that she would give her love a change to grow.

 

Her rejection hurt so much. To know that she felt he had violated her made him cringe. Her words echoed back inside his head. “How dare you to touch me… you pervert” Was that what he was in her eyes? A lecherous old man, lusting after a young woman? Shame and regret for his actions welled up inside him again.

 

For a second he had felt happy. For a split second he had held her in his arms. He could still feel her soft skin under his fingers and the warmth radiating form her body. His nostrils were filled with her perfume and he still felt the feel of her lips against his, no matter how short it had been.

 

Another wave of shame and regret hit him. It was not meant for him. As much as he would treasure and cherish the memory, she felt the opposite. She would always feel disgusted by the mere thought of it.

 

He had lost it all, their friendship, their partnership… there would be no more long nights of potions and talking inside his office. She wouldn’t look up during a staff meeting anymore to catch his eye because of a comment Albus had made. He would never found a small note on his book or any other place on which she had scribbled down as new theory or hypotheses for a potion…

 

A feeling of despair started inside him. He needed to talk to her. He needed to work this out. After the war it had been because of her he had found his purpose in life back, he could not bear the thought of losing her. Filled with new determination he rose and made his way to Hermione’s personal rooms.

 

~*~

He knocked fiercely on the door and it flew open almost immediately. Hermione stood on the doorstep and upon seeing him her face changed into a closed, angry expression. “What do you want?” she asked almost rude.

 

“I want to talk to you Hermione”, he said softly.

 

“As far as I’m concern, there is nothing to talk about”, she replied coldly.

 

“I think there is, Hermione”, he said convincingly. “Please let me in and let me explain”.

 

Without saying anything she stepped aside and allowed him to step passed her.

 

“Listen”, he began hesitantly, “I am truly sorry for making you feel uncomfortable earlier. I did not mean to do so”.

 

“Then why did you do it?” she spat. “Did you fancy a snog and was I the closest person around?” She paused for a second, looking at his face intently. Then her face twisted in disgust. “You… don’t have feelings for me, do you?”

 

For a second he felt the blood rise to his face, then he turned dead pale. ‘Now she knows’, he thought in panic, ‘she knows I love her… and she hates me for it’. Then he recollected himself again. After all, there was no shame in loving her. Choosing his words carefully he replied, “I will not attempt to deny that I have indeed developed romantic feelings towards you… I love you…”

 

She turned even paler then he. “What?” she hissed eventually. “You think that you love me?”

 

“I don’t think so Hermione, I know. I love you”, he replied simply.

 

“You… you… bastard!” she was shaking with anger. “How dare you to have such feelings about me… how dare you to think of me like that!”

 

He knew he was fighting a lost case. He knew that no matter what, the damage would be beyond repair. He would remember her words forever. But still he tried. He had had so little love and friendship in his life, he was willing to fight for every piece he had.

“I understand that you don’t feel the same, Hermione and I promise…”

 

“You’re right I don’t”, she scolded back at him. “I could never love you…”. She let out a false high pitched laugh. “As if I could ever love you… you’re a monster. Look at what you have done! Even if you were the last man on earth I wouldn’t…”

 

He felt nauseous with misery. He had believed that she of all people had forgave his past. That she had put it behind her. How wrong he was. She still saw him as despicable Death Eater… a monster. When he spoke his voice sounded beaten, defeated. “I guess this is the end then. “I thought our friendship meant something… but I suppose I was wrong”.

 

“You never had my friendship”, she replied coldly. “I needed a job and a place to stay. In order to achieve that I needed to pretend to get along with you. I can’t believe you thought I’d actually cared about you…”

 

He turned around and left her room, unable to take it anymore. His last illusion was snatched away from him. She didn’t care one bit around him. She had only pretended to like him, to secure her place at Hogwarts. With long strides he walked back to his own rooms and collapsed on his bed. How was it possible that his life had altered so drastically in the last few hours?

 

Author’s notes:

I know… I know, everyone (particularity Albus and Hermione) are acting very OOC. Don’t flame me about that until you’ve read the entire story.

 

Chapter 3:

The continuation of the nightmare

 

       ~*~

He hardly sleep that night. He just laid down on his bed, staring into space and reliving the two encounters with Hermione over and over again. Although he had always expected that she would not love him back, he never had expected such loathing. She had looked at him with pure disgust and deep hatred on her face. His heart clenched painfully every time he remembered her words.

 

“You’re a monster! I cannot possibly love you! How dare you… not even when you were the last man on earth!” This was so unlike her. So unlike the caring Mione he knew. She had a fierce temper, he knew that, she could get extremely angry, but he had never expected her to be angry because of his feelings.

 

‘She’s right’, a small voice inside him spoke. ‘You thought you could just put the past behind you, but you’re wrong. You’re still a Death Eater. Everyone who’ll look at you will see a Death Eater. Such a beautiful young woman like her would never want to be involved with you. She wouldn’t even be associated with you’.

 

How would he ever be able to face her tomorrow? How could they ever work together after what had happened today? He spend the entire night awake, worrying an doubting. He felt glad when he saw the first sunlight coming form his window. At least he could do something now to occupy his mind with. He got out of bed and dressed in his usual black teachers’ robes.

 

Just when he was about to go to the Great Hall for breakfast a small owl flew inside through the tiny window and dropped a letter in front of him. Curious at who would send him a letter in private, in stead of instructing the owl to drop it during breakfast, he opened the envelope. A second later he screamed in pain. Undiluted Bubotuber pus gushed over his hands. It began to erupt into large, yellow boils. He tried to rub it off on his robes, but to no avail. Within seconds his fingers were thickly covered in painful sores.

 

There was only one thing to do. He had to see Poppy Pomfrey. Gritting his teeth because of the pain he made his way to the hospital wing, surrounded by the awful smell of petrol. Luckily Poppy was in, but she regarded him with a cold eyes. “What happened to you?” see asked briskly.

 

“I opened a letter I had received this morning and it turned out it contained Bubotuber pus”, he answered.

 

Poppy pushed him down on one of the beds and started moving through the drawers of her closet. “And you have no idea who has send you this letter?” she asked sharply. He shook his head.

 

“I’m sure there are many candidates”, she muttered under her breath.

 

“What?” Severus snapped, “what are you talking about?” he demanded.

 

“You should know”, she answered coldly and pulled a bottle of ointment out. She walked towards him and poured the contains of the bottle over his hands. Harshly she began to rub it into his skin.

His fingers were still tender from the Bubotuber pus and he winced in pain. Gradually the boils subside.

“You’re done”, Poppy told him curtly. “Now get out”.

 

He felt his own anger rise inside him. “What has got into you?” he asked. But when she looked at him he stepped back despite himself. Her eyes were filled with fury and disgust, just like Hermione’s the previous night. Without saying anything further he turned around and left the hospital wing.

 

~*~

He was too late for breakfast and since he didn’t have much of an appetite he made his way to his classroom in the dungeons. The fifth year Ravenclaws were already assembled. When he entered the room immediately turned silent. That was not unusual. He was a strict teacher, students didn’t mess around in his class. New was the way the students looked at him, their eyes were cold and full of hate.

 

‘What is the matter with everyone?’ he thought bewildered, ‘first Poppy, now the students…’

 

“We will make a forgetfulness- potion today”, he told the students. Work in pairs and…” he stopped when he heard a soft murmur. “Miss Egobin”, he snapped. “Would you care to share that with the rest of us?”

 

Elvia Egobin looked up fearlessly. “Certainly sir, I was just saying that a forgetness- potion must be very convenient for you. Unfortunately, we cannot forget what happened, sir”. The way she emphasised the last word was nothing less then an insult.

 

“What are you talking about?” he asked, his voice low with anger.

 

“We will always remember that you are a Death Eater”, the girl answered with a smug smile on her face.

 

“Gather your things and report to your Head of the House immediately”, he hissed. He watched as she deliberately slowly packed her things and walked out of the classroom, the smug smile never leaving her face.

“And as for the rest of you”, he scolded, turning to the class”, if I hear so much as a whimper coming from you I’ll make sure Ravenclaw has not one single house point left.

 

The rest of the lesson passed in a tense silence and he had never felt so glad to see a class leave. His stomach lurched, telling him it was time to get some food. Slowly he walked to the Great Hall. His seat was right next to Hermione’s and he wondered how she would act around him. 

 

~*~

When he entered the Great Hall he noticed that most of the teachers were already sitting on the Staff Table, Hermione included. He also noticed that a tense silence felt, every were he passed. When he sat down he nodded curtly to the Aritmathy Teacher. “Good afternoon, Professor Granger”.

 

She totally ignored him and turned her attention to Filius Flitwick who was sitting next to her. The very air around him froze and he felt his previous hunger disappear. His throat knotted painfully, making it hard for him to swallow, let alone eat. Was it only yesterday that she had sat next to him, talking and laughing? It seemed so much longer. It was sheer torture sitting next to her and knowing that he had ruined all his changes of her friendship, because of one harmless kiss. Long before lunch he left the table, unable to bear it anymore.

 

He went to his office and leaned against his desk, trying to control his emotions. He had to pretend like nothing had happened. Being rejected and scolded at by the woman he loved was already hard enough, he didn’t need the whole school to know. But what to make of the strange behaviour of Poppy and the fifth years Ravenclaws? He frowned, not knowing what to think about it. Something was going on here, that was for sure. Who had send him the envelope filled with Bubotuber pus?

 

When he had gathered his thoughts and sorted out his emotions as much as possible, he walked to his classroom. Just before he wanted to open the door, he heard voices.

 

“Have you heard what he has done?”

 

“I cannot believe Professor Dumbledore would let such a criminal work at our school”.

 

“He should receive the Dementors Kiss. Serves him right!”

 

Anger, white, boiling anger welled up inside him. He threw the door open and scared the first years Hufflepufs half to death. He ranted and scolded at them for a good fifteen minutes. Then he told them to brew a extremely difficult potion and conducted as much House Points from Hufflepuff as he could muster.

 

It did not make him feel better. Quite the contrary. It had been a long while since he had felt the urge to take his bad mood out on innocent students. Hermione had changed that. She had broke down to his cool and harsh external and had learned him to be milder, less intimidating.

 

~*~

With a heavy heart he made his way to dinner. His feelings of dread proved to be justified. He accidentally knocked against Minerva’s shoulder and when he tried to apologise, she looked at him with a look so full of hate and venom, that it shocked him. True, Minerva and he had never been friends. The bickered a lot, but most of that had been just show. He never anticipated she would actually hate him so much.

 

And she was not the only one. Even the cheerful, friendly Filius Flitwick looked at him with disgust and condemnation. Forcing himself to sit down, he ate a few bites. He refused to leave again. After all, he was still a Hogwarts teacher, despite what everyone else might think. It turned into the longest dinner of his life. But finally, finally he could rise again and return to the privacy of his own rooms. Just when he wanted to leave, Albus stopped him.

 

“Severus, I need a word with you”, he said gravely. The usual twinkle had left his blue eyes and he too looked… cold. Severus felt his heart sank. If even Albus was looking at him like that… his friend, mentor and saviour from the Dark Lord, something must be very wrong indeed.

 

“Of course Headmaster”, he replied nevertheless politely. “What time would be convenient?”

 

“Meet me in my Office in an hour”, Albus answered briskly and turned away.

 

Startled, Severus made his way to his own rooms. Something was definitely wrong here. Hermione had turned him down… claiming she wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore. Saying that she never felt friendship for him… The students were talking, the staff acted icily around him, he had received a envelope filled with Bubotuber Pus. And Albus wanted to talk to him…

 

“Something is definitely wrong”, he said out loud. “It’s like they all hate me all of a sudden”.

A thought sprang to his mind. Could it be possible that Hermione had told them about their ‘encounter’ yesterday?  He doubted it. Deep down inside he refused to believe that she would be capable of that. But how could their odd behaviour be explained else.

 

He was disturbed once again by an owl, carrying a red letter. A howler, he recognised immediately. Wonderful, that was the one thing he needed. With caution and a growing feeling of dread he opened the letter. It almost exploded in his face.

 

“YOU DIRTY, SLIMY, FILTHY PIECE OF TRAMP!!!

HOW DARE YOU BE ALIVE AFTER EVERYTHING

YOU HAVE DONE?

YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

YOU WILL DIE ALONE AND ABONDED.

 WITHOUT FRIENDS, SINCE YOU DESERVE NONE.

I’LL TRACK YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU SUFFER

LIKE YOU’VE MADE US SUFFER.

START COUNTING YOUR DAYS, SNAPE!!!!!

 

The howler ranted on and on for a good fifteen minutes. By the time it had finished, his ears were ringing and he felt chilled to his bones. Like the Bubotuber pus letter, this howler too had no sign of a sender. Who would have send it to him? It must have been someone from outside Hogwarts. But why? It not be because of Hermione. Rumours didn’t spread that fast, not even in the wizarding world.

 

Glancing at his watch he saw he was due for his appointment with Albus. Maybe he had an explanation for today’s strange events. Quickly he made his way to the gargoyle and moments later he knocked on the door. “Enter”, Albus called from within.

 

He opened the door and sat down in the chair across the Headmaster’s desk.

 

“You wanted to see me, Albus?”

 

“Yes”, the old wizard answered. “Severus, there are some serious things I need to discuss with you”.

 

“Something is going on”, Severus said. “I’ve received a howler and a envelope filled with Bubotuber pus today. Students are insubordinate, the rest of the staff is ignoring me… what’s going on, Albus?”

 

The man regarded him over the rim of his half moon spectacles. “You honestly have no idea, Severus?” he asked sternly.

 

“If I had, I won’t be asking”, he snapped. “I’m sorry, Albus”, he added, “but this is getting on my nerves”.

 

“Well… the thing is…”Albus began. “It’s a mixture of things really. After the war, I thought I could simply overlook your Death Eater past and let you move on. But now it seems that it cannot be so”.

 

“What do you mean?” Severus asked, while a feeling of dread stirred in the pit of his stomach.

 

“The wrongs you have done in your past are too great”, Albus answered gravely. “They cannot be overlooked, they ought not to be overlooked. You have betrayed our world. You’ve murdered and tortured… you’ve lost your human nature, Severus”.

 

You’re a monster!” Hermione words flashed through his head upon hearing Albus words. A lump started to form in his throat, but he forced it down. “And you’ve decided this today”, he asked with an attempt at sarcasm.

 

Albus shook his head. “No, I’ve known for a long time that I could not let you stay at Hogwarts. That I ought to send you away and present you the Magical authorities. But I kept hoping that you had changed.

 

But last night Miss. Granger told me what you had done to her. You took advantage of her and it showed me that you had not changed. In your heart you’re still a Death Eater”.

 

“I have not been a Death Eater for a long time, Albus”, he retorted, “as you well know. And I did not mean to violate Herm… Miss Granger. It was a simple kiss and it will not happen again”.

 

“You see”, Albus replied with a triumphant glint in his eye, “this proves once more what you truly are. You don’t even realise that what you have done is wrong. Your very conscience is affected.

 

A pregnant silence hung between them. Severus felt it was useless to defend himself. Everything that he would say would be used against him.

 

“I want you to leave Hogwarts”, Albus said eventually. “Pack your things and leave. You are not fit to be a teacher. By Merlin, you are not even fit to be a human”.

 

“When do you want me to leave?” he asked in a shallow voice.

 

“Tonight”, came the cold reply. “Pack whatever you need on short notice, we will send the rest after you. Just disappear from our lives”.

 

“Very well”, he rose to his feet, feeling as if his legs had turned into wood. He looked into the face of the man he had respected, trusted and cared for, for so many years. How was this possible? How could even Albus turn his back to him?

 

Without saying another word he left Albus’ office and rushed back to his rooms. Once inside his legs gave up on him and he slide down across the wall and sat down on the floor.

 

The fight had left him. The rejection was complete. It still didn’t make sense, but he felt he could no longer fight against them. He didn’t think he could take another person rejecting him. It wasn’t like him to give in that easily, without any fight, but all the strength had left him. He had lost what was most important to him, his home. All his life he had struggled to find a place were he belonged. He had searched for friends and it had lead him on a dark path. Once he had discovered that the Dark Lord and his followers were not the friends he wanted he had returned. Under guidance and with the support  of Albus he had found a new purpose in life, spying for the Order of the Phoenix.

 

At first that too had brought him loneliness and pain. Without being able to trust anyone, without any confidants he had struggled alone for a long, dark time. Then Voldemort had been defeated. And he had been free again. He had found Hermione.

 

Hermione… he heart sank even lower when he thought of her. Over the years she had become the centre of his life, the reason he got out of bed at the mornings. But she did not want to be with him. She despised and loathed him, because of his past. And maybe she was right, maybe Albus was right. He didn’t deserve happiness or peace. Not after what he had done.

 

Slowly he began to pack a few possessions he thought he might need. He had no idea were to go. It didn’t matter anyway. Hogwarts was his home, the only home he had ever truly had. And without it… He looked around him. His rooms… he had lived here the past twenty years and despite everything, it was here were he had been the happiest.

 

What would the future have in store for him? If his friends at Hogwarts couldn’t live with him one second longer, how would the rest of the wizarding community act towards him?

 

How could this have happened? How could he not have seen how his colleagues really felt about him? Was it only yesterday that he had been preparing his laboratory looking forward to spend the evening with Hermione? 

 

“I only wanted to kiss her”, he whispered softly, ‘am I to be punished for that so severely?”

 

After glancing one last time around his room he walked to the door and closed it behind him. He could only hope that Albus would stick to his word and send him the rest of his possessions later.

 

He walked from the dungeons to the Entrance Hall. During that walked he met a few people, students and colleagues. They all adverted his gaze after throwing one, loathing look at him.

 

He walked through the door over the lane towards the gate. What was happening? Why did this happen? How was it possible he walked here, abandoned and alone?

He was so deep in thought he didn’t see the figure walking towards him, until he bumped into her. He raised his head and looked straight into Hermione’s brown eyes.

 

“So, you’re finally leaving?” she asked, her voice as cold as ice.

 

“I am”, he confirmed. He paused for a second, trying to gather his thought into words, a sentence. “Hermione… why…? There really was nothing between us? You pretended it all?”

 

“Of course I did”, she bit back. “You don’t get it, do you? You’ve been a Death Eater, Severus. A Death Eater! You have done the most despicable things imaginable. You shouldn’t even be alive. And you actually thought that I could care about you?”

 

He stared at her, the words died on his lips and his protests died in his mind. Finally realisation began to sink in. They were right, Hermione, Albus, the students… he was condemned. His sins were not to be forgiven. He didn’t deserve the happiness he had been searching for so frantically. He did not deserve love. He didn’t deserve life…

 

A feeling of self disgust and self hate hit him hard, making him feel physically ill. How could he have been so blind, so stupid. Albus was right, even his conscience was bad.

 

Hermione walked passed without looking at him once. Slowly, as if someone else controlled his body he walked outside the gate, away from Hogwarts. Away from his home.

 

You filthy bastard… you don’t deserve to live… how dare you sneak up behind me like that?… your sins are to great… you don’t deserve forgiveness… how dare you to think about me like that?… Did you honestly think I could love you… I’ll track you down…”

 

The words of rejection and accusations, spoken to him in the past day were spinning inside hid mind like a turmoil, the voices became louder and louder until it screamed inside him, “you don’t deserve to live… you don’t deserve happiness

 

“YOU MONSTER!” It was like she screamed it in his ear. The bag he was carrying dropped from his hand and cold sweat started to form on his forehead. He grabbed his head as a stabbing pain stabbed through his temples. His vision became blurred, the voices in his head got louder. Then he collapsed on the ground and the world around him turned black.

 

Chapter 4:

Between sleeping and awakening

 

     ~*~

Slowly he became aware of his surroundings. He was lying on something soft, surrounded by something warm. His body hurt. A headache pounded through his head and he felt as if he hadn’t moved his limbs in ages. He wanted to open his eyes, but didn’t find the strength to do so.

 

Where was he? And more important, why was he here? Was he at Hogwars? Hogwarts… all of a sudden he remembered. Hermione… the howler… Albus firing him… He felt a feeling of despair wash over him. No Hogwarts to return to, no place to stay… and now he was here in an unfamiliar place and he didn’t even have the strength to find out where he was.

 

He tried again to open his eyes, but it felt like they were glued together and after several futile attempts he gave up. He tried to move his hands and legs but they refused to obey the orders of his mind. Exhausted by the attempts he laid still again, imprisoned inside his body, with his thoughts whirling inside him, adding to his misery.

 

Then he heard voices close by him. They spoke in soft whispering tones and no matter how hard he tried, he could not make out what they were saying. He tried to recognise the voices, but they were too soft. He couldn’t make them out.

 

Suddenly something touched his face and he stirred. Something moved over his cheek in slow, gentle movements. It felt rather warm and soft. Then he recognised it, it was a hand. Someone was stroking his face. But who was it?

The fingers continued caressing him. Over his eyebrows, his hair, his mouth… Slowly he began to relax and lean in to the touch. Imagining it to be Hermione, who was beside his bed, touching him gently and lovingly. Even though it was impossible. Soon sleep took over him, but he tried to fight it as long as possible, concentrating on the fingers on his face. Eventually he drifted of to sleep.

 

~*~

When he awoke again he felt slightly better. The headache had subside and he felt that he was able to move his limbs. A soft voice was calling him, saying his name. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked into the blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore. Memories of their last encounter flashed through his mind. Albus telling him to leave… telling him that he was not human… telling that he didn’t deserve to live. Why was he here, who had brought him here?

 

“Where am I”, he managed to choke out. His voice sounded hoarse and was barely more then a whisper.

 

“You’re in the Hospital Wing”, Albus told him softly. “You gave us quite a fright, but you will be alright now”. 

 

“I’ll… leave”, he stammered, “I’ll leave… as soon… as… I promise… I’ll leave”. He made a futile attempt to get up, but Albus pushed him gently down on the bed again.

 

“Don’t distress yourself, boy”, he said quietly, with a mixture of pain and worry on his face. “You don’t have to go anywhere. Just rest”.

 

Those few words he had spoken and his attempt to get up had drained all the strength from him. He leaned back in the pillow, complety exhausted. And more confused then ever.

 

“You told me to leave…”, he whispered, “You said…”

 

“Shhh…”, Albus replied, “I’m not sending you away. Sleep now, we’ll talk when you are stronger. But you need to sleep first”.

 

Questions, thoughts, emotions, it whirled inside him like a December storm. But quickly fatigue took over once again and he felt himself drifting of to sleep.

 

~*~

When he woke the third time he finally felt more or less human again. ‘Bad analogy’, his mind scolded at him. He felt he was able to stretch his limps and he did so with great relief. It felt like he hadn’t moved in years. When he opened his eyes and turned his head he looked straight into Hermione’s eyes. He felt a feeling of dread rise in him again. Why was she here? Was she here to scold and insult once more?

 

“You’re awake”, she said in a soft gentle tone. She reached out her hand to him, but he backed away in reflex. He saw the confusion and sadness on her face. What was happening? Now she was hurt?

 

“Hermione…” he began, but whatever he might have said was interrupted by Poppy who moved towards them, holding a wand in her hand.

 

“I need to cast a diagnostic spell over you, Severus”, she said in a light, friendly voice, very unlike the last memory he had of her. She performed the spell and gave Hermione, who had been looking extremely worried a reassuring glance. “He will be alright, there are no remains of the potion left inside him”.

 

He stared at the two woman. “What potion? What is happening here?”

 

The door of the Hospital Wing flew open and Albus walked in. He pulled out his wand and draw up two chairs which landed next to his bed. Both he and Hermione sat down.

 

Poppy smiled. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then”, she said cheerfully and walked away.

 

He returned his gaze to the two people sitting next to his bed, looking questionably.

 

 “There is one thing I would like to ask you first”, Albus started. “Do you remember Monday night on February the 12th?”

 

He thought back for a moment. February the 12th… then he remembered. That was the night Hermione and he had worked on the Delirium Potion, the night before he had tried to kiss her. “Yes, I do”, he answered, “what date is it today”.

 

“It’s February the 22nd”, Hermione told him.

 

“What?” he blurted out. How was that possible? How could ten days have past when he only remembered two of them? How long had he been unconsciousness”.

 

“Do you remember anything particular from that evening?” Albus asked.

 

He shook his head. “No, Hermione and I worked on the Delirium Potion, but we couldn’t finish it that night… so we stopped and agreed to continue the following day…” He looked at Hermione who nodded in agreement. “Then you left and I cleared away my tools… and then I went to bed”.  He paused for a moment and then he remembered something else. “No wait a minute… there came a house elf. He carried a mug of chocolate and said he was sent by you, Albus. I drank the chocolate and then I went to bed…”

 

Albus and Hermione exchanged worried glances. “Then it’s true…”Albus muttered softly. Then he looked at Severus. “That house elf that came to you was Kreacher and he certainly did not came on my orders. The chocolate he gave you contained the  Gnidaerd Potion”.

 

There was a silence between them and then Severus closed his eyes and groaned softly. “No… the Gnidaerd Potion…” Of course, that explained it all.

 

“It was only a dream then?” he asked softly.

 

Albus shook his head. “Not so much as a dream, more a hallucination. You probably have very vivid memories of it”.

 

He nodded, trying to comprehend what Albus had just told him. It had not been real, Hermione’s rejection, Albus firing him…, it had been a hallucination. The Gnidaerd Potion had forced him to live through his worst fears. It all made sense now. How all of a sudden everyone had seemed to be against him… how they had all hated him all of sudden.

It was after all his greatest fear, being rejected by Hermione and losing her friendship and losing Hogwarts and his home.

 

He looked up again. “Kreacher, wasn’t that the House elf who belonged to the Black family? How did you know it was him?”

 

Albus nodded. “You didn’t come to breakfast that morning of the 13th. We went to your room and found you in your bed, unconscious. We brought you to the Hospital Wing and Poppy tried every spell she knew on you, but you didn’t regain conscious. We were just about to send you to St. Mungo’s when Dobby asked to see me. He told me that Kreacher had been acting strangely over the past days, constantly punishing himself. Dobby thought that I should know about that”.

 

Hermione continued. “After Sirius had died, the last of the Black’s, Kreacher went to live with the Malfoy Family. They were without a House elf, because Harry had set Dobby free. But, after the downfall of Voldemort, there were no Malfoy’s left and Kreacher was given clothes”.

 

“Kreacher was devoted to the House of Malfoy”, Albus told. “He blamed you for their deaths and for the downfall of Voldemort who he supported too. He swore he would take revenge. Last year he came to Hogwarts and asked for a job. I was surprised, but I granted him his request, hoping that the environment of Hogwarts would benefit him”.

 

He paused for a moment and Severus noticed a flicker of guilt in his eyes. “But it turned out it had all been part of the plan. He gave you the Gnidaerd Potion, and hoped that you would die because of the results. But he had overlooked one detail. He still was too much of a House elf to carry out his plan without punishing  himself. That was what caught the attention of the other House- elfs. Since he serves Hogwarts, I could order him to tell me what he had done.

 

Once we knew that we could set up a Patronus Guard around you, to protect you from the effects of the Gnideard Potion. But it took several days, before the potion was out of your system”.

 

Severus remained silent for a few moment, trying to digest what Albus had told him… Kreacher… seeking revenge because of the Malfoy family. “What will happen with Kreacher?” he asked.

 

“I’ve turned him over to the Ministry of Magic”, Albus answered. “They will have to deal with him”. He paused for a second and then continued. “Severus, I don’t know what the Gnideard Potion forced you to experience, but whatever it was, it was not real. You said something about having to leave Hogwarts… That too was part of the hallucination, you belong here”.

 

All the sadness and distress of his memories were lifted from him by these words.  “I know”, he said quietly, “but it all seems so real”.

 

Poppy walked towards them again. “He needs to rest now”, she told Albus and Hermione. “This had been a very exhausting ordeal for him, not to mention emotionally draining, and he needs plenty of rest to recover from it”.

 

Albus nodded and rose. “You are right Poppy. He does needs rest, take good care of him”. He looked at Severus again. “Sleep well my friend”, he said genuinely. “You need to get better”. With those words he left the Hospital Wing.

 

He turned his gaze to Hermione. She had not said much during the past few minutes and looked into space with a sad expression on her face. When she sensed his gaze however, she smiled to him. Hesitantly she reached out, pausing a second before touching him. Then she placed her hand on his arm. He felt the warmth of her hand through the material of his pyjama and he held his breath briefly, silently enjoying her touch.

 

“Get well soon, Severus”, she whispered softly. Then she too rose and left. He resisted the urge to call her back and ask her to stay with him. He watched her leaving, her crimson red robes billowing behind her. At first he felt he could never fall asleep with all those thoughts and emotions whirling inside him, but soon enough he felt how exhausted the conversation with Albus and Hermione had made him and soon he fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.

 

Chapter 5:

Comfort Measures

 

         ~*~

Three days later he was allowed to leave the Hospital Wing. When he returned to his quarters that afternoon he found a small note pinned to his door. He folded the piece of parchment open and read it.

 

Dear Severus,

So Poppy let you finally out, did she?

Don’t bury yourself in work,

like you always do.

Just get better first.

Take care!

 

Love,

Hermione

 

He smiled and folded the letter inside his robes. Slowly he walked inside his room and looked around him. It felt strange to be back here. He had honestly believed he would never return here.

 

He still found it hard to believe that all his memories from the those days were nothing more then hallucinations. It stood all so vividly in his head. He sat down and closed his eyes for a moment, playing everything that Albus and Hermione had told him back inside his head. So it had been Kreacher… Kreacher who had wanted him dead…

 

And he nearly had succeeded. If Albus hadn’t found out that Kreacher had put Gnidaerd Potion in his chocolate he would have eventually killed himself. In the past two days he had brushed up his knowledge of the Potion. A person who had taken the Gnidaerd Potion was forced to experience more and more of his fears, until he could no longer bear it and decided to end it all.

 

The memories seemed so real, but on the other hand, the more he thought about it, the more he realised it had truly been an hallucination. If it would happen to him in real life, he would have acted completely different. He wouldn’t have let Albus send him away like that, without putting up a fight, he wouldn’t have let Hermione insult him like that, without defending himself. But the potion had changed that too. It was another thing he dreaded, not being able to defend himself.

 

But still, in a part of his mind the doubt still lingered. His feelings had been so real. He could still feel the burning shame after Hermione had turned him down and the desperation he had felt when Albus had told him that he should leave Hogwarts.

 

He thought he come to terms with his past, but right now everything was mixed up again and a part of him doubted himself. Was it really that easy? Could his past be just overlooked like that? He had never doubted the sincerity of Albus when he told him he deserved a second change, but the events of the last two weeks had put his life into a whole new perspective.

 

And then Hermione. He cringed at the memory of that. How horrible had it been to hear her say all those things to him. He had never really believed that there might be a change that she loved him, but now he felt completely without hope. Hermione might be able to work with him, she would never let him be more then a friend to her. And when she found out about his feelings, she would repulsed. She would think he was a lecherous old man and she would never look at him again. He decided that no matter what happened, he would never tell her what she had said to him. If he did, he had to tell her that he loved her and he would face the risk of losing her. And he didn’t dare to take that risk, knowing the pain it would cost him if she rejected him.

 

With his head still full of worries and confusion he went to bed early. Quickly sleep overtook him.

 

~*~

He was standing behind her in his laboratory. She turned around and all of a sudden she was in his arms. He tightened his grip on her, relishing the feeling of her in his arms. He reached up his hand and caressed her cheek. Cupping her face in his hand he lowered his head to hers, until their lips almost touched…

 

The next moment they stood in the hall. It was dark around them and freezing cold. There were no moon or stars. She backed away from him, and her face expressed fury and disgust. “You did it again!” she yelled, “You bastard! You wanted to do it again!”

 

He reached out his hands to her, but she backed away further. “Hermione please…”, his eyes were pleading with her.

 

“Don’t you dare to touch me!” she shrieked, “get away from me, you overgrown bat!” She got further and further away from him, continuing to shout insults to him. He tried to ran after her, but the distance between them only grew wider. The hall became endless while he ran after her, desperately trying to touch her, to get her to listen to him.

 

Eventually exhaustion overtook him and he sank on his knees. “Hermione…”, he begged softly, watching as she drove further away from him. “Hermione…please. Hermione!…. HERMIONE!!!” 

 

He shoot right up in his bed, looking around him in panic, his hands clawing at the mattress. His feet were tangled in the sheet and he felt cold sweat running from his head and back. He wiped it away from his temple and noticed that his hands were shaking. Slowly he got his breathing under control and got out of bed. The images of his nightmare still run through his head.

 

He pulled on a dressing gown and a pair of socks and walked to the living area. He probably won’t fall asleep again anytime soon so he decided that perhaps a cup of tea would make him feel better. He had just took the kettle from the fireplace when he heard frantic knocking on the door.

 

“Severus?… Severus are you there?  Are you alright?…. Severus…. Please open the door!” he recognised Hermione’s voice. Quickly he crossed the room and opened the door. Hermione was still knocking fiercely and when he opened the door she lost her balance and almost tripped over.

 

He steadied her by grasping her upper arms. “Are you alright?” she asked urgently.

 

“Yes I am”, he answered bewildered, “Hermione, what’s the matter?”

 

“I heard you screaming…”she told him, trying to catch her breath, “you were screaming my name… you sounded so… lost…”

 

“I’m sorry”, he answered quietly. “I had a nightmare, I didn’t mean to scare you”.

 

“Don’t worry about that”, she answered. He let go of her arms and turned away, but she placed her hand on his arm to prevent it. “Are you sure, you’re alright?” she asked softly.

He smiled at her. “I am, Hermione, it was just a nightmare… nothing more”. He turned back to the kettle and filled it with water. “Would you like some tea, since I have already woke you?”

 

“That would be nice”, she answered and sat down in one of the large armchairs. It was only then he noticed what she wore. She was clad in a long, silky sleeping gown with spaghetti straps. Her hair was loose and felt freely around her shoulders and over her back. He felt his heart skip several beats and he almost spilled the boiling water. Quickly he poured two cups of tea and walked over to the couch.

 

When he placed the cup in front of her, he noticed that she was shivering. He took of his dressing gown and handed it to her. “But now you’ll get cold”, she protested. He shook his head.

 

“I won’t, I’m wearing rather thick pyjamas and if do get cold, I can always grab the blanket”. He pointed at the blanket lying over the back of the couch. Reluctantly she agreed and pulled on the dark green dressing gown. It was much too big for her. The sleeves fell over her hands and the hem reached the ground. He thought she looked adorable and he fought the urge to take her in his arms. But the memories of the Gnidaerd Potion and the nightmare he had a few minutes ago held him back.

 

She sat down on the chair again and tucked her feet below her. He sat down on the couch and both of them sipped their tea in silence for some time. After a while Hermione broke the silence and looked at him.

 

“What happened to you in the past few days, Severus?” she asked softly. “I know it’s still on your mind”. 

 

He shook his head. “They are just memories, I only need to forget them”, he answered.

 

“Then talk about them”, she urged him, “get them out of you. You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, but then talk to Albus”.

 

Her voice sounded so pleadingly, so convincing. And he needed to get it off of his chest, he needed to share his worries with someone. Slowly he began to tell. He told her about the Bubotuber Pus letter, about the talking of the students, about the howler and eventually about Albus firing him. He left the parts out that concerned her. He knew that he could not tell her about that. If he did she would know, she would know that he loved her… and she would reject him. Perhaps not as harsh as in his memory, but she would anyway. And it would hurt just as much.

 

When he was finished he noticed there were tears streaming down her face. “Oh Severus”, she said softly, “that must have been so terrible”.

 

“It wasn’t real”, he answered, “thank goodness. But I still feel…”he hesitated for a moment. “I wonder… I’ve come to terms with what I’ve done… or so I thought. But now…I don’t know it anymore… I have been a Death Eater, Hermione… I’ve done terrible things… they shouldn’t be overlooked…”

 

“Now you listen to me”, Hermione began sternly and he was surprised to hear a note of anger in her voice, “First of all, you have made that choice years ago… your not the same person as you were then. Secondly, you’ve never murdered or tortured yourself. Albus told me. You belonged to a group who did so, but there’s a difference. And thirdly, you are not inhuman. I know you’re not, you never were. Remember that time in my third year when you came after us into the shrieking shack? I saw you later, because of the timeturner, after the Dementor attack. You drew stretchers and placed us all on them. You didn’t have to do that… You could have just magiced us all in, like Sirius did to you, but you didn’t…”

 

He smiled softly, his heart swelling with emotions. Here she was, comforting him, easing his pain… When he looked into her eyes, he saw that she was watching him with a small frown on her face.

 

“Severus… what did I do to you?” she asked quietly. He knew she didn’t ask out of curiosity. He hesitated for a moment. What could he tell her? Slowly he began to speak.

 

“I spoke to you… after Albus had fired me. You said he was right… that I didn’t deserve happiness… I asked you if you were my friend… if you had ever cared for me. You said you didn’t. You said that you only wanted to be around me because you needed a job and a place to stay…” He didn’t dare to look in her eyes, so instead he watched the floor.

 

The next moment she sat next to him on the couch. He looked in her eyes and saw fresh tears streaming over her face. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him against her. In response he slide his arms around her waist and hold her close. He fought to keep his emotions in check as he clung on to her, eagerly absorbing the comfort she provided. After a while she pulled back a little and looked in his eyes.

 

“Severus… I do care about you. Not because of the job or anything, I… l… like you, so much. I would never turn my back on you like that”.

 

More tears spilled over her face and he brushed them away gently. “I know, Hermione, I know. It was just a hallucination, nothing more…” He enfolded her in his arms once again and held her close. She rested her head on his shoulder, her arm still around his neck. He felt her softly caressing the back of his neck, causing shivers to run up and down his spine.

He had his arm wrapped around her waist and with his other hand he caressed her hair softly, twisting it between his fingers.

 

It felt so good to hold her like this. Her warm body pressed against his, her arms around him. He tightened his hold on her, savouring the feel of it. He smelled the sweet smell of the shampoo she used. He inhaled deeply, wanting to remember it forever. They sat for a long while like that, not talking, only touching and holding on to each other.

 

Finally he noticed that her hands were no longer moving. He looked down and what he saw took his breath away. She had fallen asleep against his shoulder, a soft smile playing on her mouth. She looked so peaceful and happy like that. Her breathing was deep and even and for a moment he watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Carefully he disentangled her arm from around his neck. She placed one hand under her head and snuggled closer against him, never waking up. Her other hand moved over his chest and came to rest where his heart was. He felt his heart beat against her fingers and watched as her breathing came in pace with his own. Carefully he placed a soft kiss on her temple, marvelling at how soft her skin was. “Sweet dreams, Mione”, he whispered. 

 

He leaned back for a moment, letting his head drop on the arm rest of the couch, pulling her with him. He knew he had to bring her back to her own rooms and put her to bed, but for a moment longer he wanted to hold her, pretending that she was his. She murmured something in her sleep he couldn’t make out, but he could tell she was still sleeping peacefully. He stroke her hair tenderly, burying his hands in the warm curls, relishing the feel of it.

 

He glanced at the grandfather clock on he wall. It was half past two in the morning. He really should bring her back now. If she knew he was doing this, she would probably be very angry. ‘Just one more minute’, he told himself. ‘One more minute, then I’ll bring her back’. 

 

He felt his eyes get heavier and he fought to stay awake. He couldn’t fall asleep like this. He had to bring her back first, he had to get up. ‘One more minute… only one second…’ Slowly his eyes fell close and he drifted of to sleep, cradling her close in his arms.

 

~* ~

An hour later he woke, but only half. When he realised that she was still in his arms he sighed contentedly and pulled the blanket over them, covering them, keeping them warm, And he fell asleep once again.

 

Chapter 6:

                                                        A dream is a wish, made by the heart

 

        ~*~

When he woke up the next morning, he felt relaxed and at peace. For a moment he dozed on, trying to hold that blissful feeling. He’d had a wonderful dream. Mione had fallen asleep in his arms…

It was only when he stretched his limbs a little that he realised there was someone with him. His eyes widened in shock as he looked down and realised that Hermione indeed was in his arms.

 

Somewhere during the night they had shifted position. Hermione was tucked safely between the back of the couch and his body, half lying over his chest. One of her arms was draped over his chest, the other clung on his shoulder. He still had his arms protectively around her waist.

 

The memories of the previous night returned, bringing a smile to his face and a his heart glowed with happiness. For a moment he closed his eyes again, savouring the feeling of holding her, inhaling her scent mixed with his own.

 

Then she stirred against him. He watched half in fear, half in anticipation. This was the only time he would ever see her wake up in his arms and he would memorise every detail of it.

 

Her eyes fluttered open and she looked around her groggily. When she met his eyes she smiled sleepily and snuggled back against him, not the least bit surprised to be there. “Good morning”, she said, her voice still a little hoarse.

 

Severus let out the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. “Good morning”, he answered. Regretfully he sat up, taking her with him. He stepped of the couch and watched Hermione as she rubbed the remainder of sleep out of her eyes and smoothed her hair. “I fell asleep on you, didn’t I?” she asked.

 

“You did”, he answered, “I really should have brought you back to your own room, but I fell asleep myself”.

 

“Don’t worry about it”, she replied smiling, “I slept rather well actually. It’s Saturday isn’t it?”

 

“It is”, he answered, “and it’s…”

 

At that moment her stomach rumbled loudly. “… half past nine”, he finished, “high time for breakfast”.

 

“You don’t say it”, she muttered dryly.

 

“Shall I get us something to eat from the house elfs?” he suggested.

 

She got to her feet. “Sounds good”, she answered, starting to fold the blanket.

 

He walked to the fireplace and took the Floo powder pot from the mantelpiece. “What would you like to have for breakfast, Mione?”, he asked without thinking. It was only after he heard her sharp intake of breath that he realised what he had said.

 

He spun around, watching her horrified. She looked at him with a look of total shock on her face.

 

“What would you like to have for breakfast, Hermione”, he repeated desperately.

 

“What did you call me?” she asked softly

 

He couldn’t believe this was happening. His nightmare was coming true this time. He had tried so hard to prevent this situation form happening and now he had given himself away by one slip of the tongue. How could he undo this? How could he stop her from running away from him?

 

“I… I didn’t mean to… It was just a slip of the tongue, forgive me Hermione…”

 

She walked closer to him, until she was only one step away from him. “What happened in your hallucination, Severus?” she asked slowly. “What did I do to you? There is more then you’ve already told me… I know there is”.

 

He closed his eyes, trying to shut out the image of her face. Her face that would be filled with horror and disgust in a few seconds.

 

“We were in my office, working on the Delirium Potion… I tried to kiss you… I believed you wanted that too… but you… didn’t... You said you could never have feelings for me”.

 

The silence hung between them for a couple of long seconds. He braced himself inwardly for her outburst… for her fury.

 

She took one more step, closing the distance between them and placed her hands on his chest. Surprised he looked into her eyes. She did not look angry or upset. In her eyes he saw joy, determination and something else…

 

“I see”, she said softly, “I think it’s time you got new memories”. Her hands moved around his neck and she stood on her tip toes. Then she pressed her lips against his.

 

For a long moment he stood there, completely motionless, unable to move. She continued to place soft, delicate kisses on his lips, her hands sliding up into his hair. Hesitantly he placed his hands on her waist, not daring to believe his senses. It was impossible. She could not be here, touching him, kissing him. Tentatively he began to respond, moving his lips against hers, still afraid that she might pull away.

 

But when she did not pull away and only moved closer against him, his desire for her finally took over. He wrapped his arms around her waist, cradling her as close against him as possible. All reasonable thought left him as he kissed her passionately, pouring the love he felt for her inside her. Everything around him faded, he was only aware of her mouth, responding to him with equal intensity and her warm body pressed against his.

 

After several minutes they parted, both of them breathing heavily. He pulled her into a hug, resting his forehead against hers. “I will definitely remember this”, he whispered.

 

 

~*~

Hermione returned to her rooms and both of them changed quickly out of their night clothes. Then she returned to his rooms for their belated breakfast. It turned into a rather intimate affair, since both of them were sitting on the couch, snuggled close against each other.

 

After he had disposed the dishes he sat down on the couch again and pulled her in his arms. “I love you”, he told her seriously, gently stroking her face.

“I love you too”, she answered, wrapping her arms around his neck once again. He claimed her mouth again in a gentle, leisured kiss.

 

Later he told her exactly what had happened after he had token the Gnidaerd Potion. He left no detail out and after he was done she cupped his face in her hands and looked at him intently. “I love you Severus Snape and I have for a long time. I would never, ever willingly hurt you like that”.

 

“I know”, he whispered, kissing her forehead. “I love you, Hermione”. He kissed her again, finally putting the demons of the past events at rest. When they finally parted she caressed his face lovingly. The gesture reminded him of something and he caught her hand in his own.

 

“When I woke up the first time in the Hospital Wing I couldn’t open my eyes or move. But I heard voices and I felt someone stroking my face… was that you?”

 

She nodded. “I’ve been so worried about you. When we found you that morning… No one had a clue as to what was going on with you. At first your condition only got worse and I was so afraid that you would die before… before I could tell you that I loved you”, tears started to spill from her eyes and he enfolded her in his arms again.

 

“Sh…it’s alright” he whispered, kissing away the tears from her face, “it’s over now”.

 

She nodded tearfully and snuggled contentedly against him, a smile already spreading on her face again. He tightened her hold on her, realising that he had  found his home and his love. The effects of the Gnidaerd Potion had finally disappeared, his fears were buried for good, now that he held the proof of his dreams in his arms.

 

You touch my heart

 

Somehow you reach in me and you touch my heart

Somehow you reach in, you touch my soul

When I look at you, I see everything we could be

 

Eyes wide open, looking at me

What can I offer you that you’ve never seen

Just don’t be afraid, someone is watching

You will see

 

Somehow when you smile the day seems brighter

Somehow when you smile you melt my heart

When I look at you I see all the things we should be

 

And in your darkest hour, hold out your hand for me

Something will guide you, I’ll be beside you

And when it’s rough out there, I’m with you everywhere

I will be right behind you if you should fall

 

Someday you will find everything you look for

Someday you will find a love like mine

When you smile at her you’ll feel the things you could be

 

Eyes wide open, looking at me

What can I offer you that you’ve never seen

Just don’t be afraid, someone is watching

You will see, you will see

 

Somehow you reach in and you touch my heart

Somehow you reach in, you touch my soul

When I look at you, I see everything we could be

                              

                                                               Produced and performed by Phil Collins