As corny and cliche as that is... I guess I can roll with it. But I have a question...

What do you do when Life punches you in the stomach?..

Because that is exactly how I feel, like life has knocked the wind right out of me, it came sudden and quickly, out of now where and if this was a boxing match I would be down for the count. Because it was a crushing, life altering blow. I am sure it would be for anyone.. Something that has not been a part of your life for as long as you can remember... and as far as you knew it was dead.

I thought he was long gone.. The memories I had of him had long since been erased from my mind, tossed somewhere that I would never look. As far as I knew he was dead. And I had accepted it, and moved on.

But then... Monday came, and everything I had forgotten, everything I had put behind me and chose to disregard came rushing back to be. A whirlwind of feelings and emotions him me head on and took me complete off my game. Knocked me off guard.. However you want to put it, that is what it did to me.

Imagine how I feel. It has been 2 fucking decades since I last saw or heard from him. He left me.. Alone without any family, in fact he is the reason I am the way I am today. It is his fault that I have most of the problems in my life. He drove my mom to suicide.. And then because he was not man enough to take care of me by himself. He ran.. And never even thought about looking back.

I grew up without him..

And the feelings of wanting to be able to see him again, turned into feelings of intense hatred. A Hatred that I have never felt for anyone in my life. Because it is a weird hatred. Part of me wishes we could turn back the hands of time, and use the time stolen from us to form a semi normal father son relationship. But the other part of me wants to see that drunken bastard die. I want him to feel the pain I have felt for 20 years.. And I want him to feel it all at once.

And this makes me wonder.. If I see him, will I be able to control myself?.. Or will I unleash the pain I have held for so long and simply tear him to pieces and ruin the rest of my life.

It doesn’t matter, now that I now he is alive I will find him.

Because he is the part of my life that has been missing, perhaps he is part of the void that has never been filled. Either way now I know he is out there.. Waiting to be found..

He has ran from me for nearly my whole life.. But he wont be able to run any longer, because now he has something chasing him and that something is the son he neglected for 20 fucking years. Whether it is through hell or high water, I will find him.

and when I do...

God have mercy on his pathetic and worthless soul....

After the news I found out Monday I have not been the same, Nitara drove me home that day and ever since then I have been confined to my house, wanting to go out and search for him so badly but not even knowing where or how to begin, sometimes I have been thinking of a strategy, other times I think of what I will do when I get my hands on him. But no matter what I am thinking about.. It always revolves around one central idea, I cannot shake it. I cannot get out of this altered state of mind, and of course.. Nitara is worried, she always worries, but this time I don’t blame her for being worried. Because quite frankly I am worried, worried that if I don’t find him I will be consumed forever with this idea of knowing he is out there, and worried that if I do find him... I will do something that I will regret for the rest of my life. So for now I stay locked away in my own home. Closed off from everything.. Putting the only thing I can between me and the rest of this world... space. And once again.. Its seems I have pushed Nitara away, this was not my intention or my plan but it seems to have happened once again. I can hear her and Nicolae conversing in the other room.

” well you can imagine his shock, it shocked me.. He has to be near devastation” Hit that one right on the head that’s for sure.

” I mean I have seen him down about shit before, but this is at a whole new level. Things have never been this personal or deep with him before. “ Once again.. These are the people who know me better than anyone else, and even though I feel no one understands me.. It seems they truly do

” I am not sure I even want to talk to him, simply because I don’t want to say something that is going to make him go off. “

” I know what you mean. He has not ate, slept or talked to anyone since Monday. Shit is bad.. “ I feel bad that I am putting them through this.. Perhaps it is selfish of me for not talking to them about it, it just seems wrong to talk to anyone about this. I want to yell at the top of my lungs how I feel. Yet I cannot even manage to tell the people who care about me most how I feel

” well I had an Idea... but I am not sure if it is good one or not. “

” Well something is better than nothing at this point, we are nearing desperation”

”....”

” Go on, tell me what it is. “

” I called Pun. “

” He’s coming here? “

” On his way right now... I figured that he is the one and only person who is going to be able to help him out... they are on a different level, maybe Pun will understand what he is going through “

” Yeah but he has been going through all those blackouts and what not, do you really think this is the best idea.? “

” I didn’t say it was full proof... but its worth a shot right? “

I nearly said out loud that no one is going to be able to help me but myself.. But then I started thinking.. And an idea came to me. So I sat and waited, hoping he would indeed show up. And then I heard my front door open, and I hear Pun, Nitara and Nic all conversing from outside

” I am so glad you showed up. “

“ After hearing the news, it’s the least The Punisher could do “

” Do you really think you are going to be able to help him? “ fucking Nicolae, always unsure and timid of things.. Sometimes his ignorance can be right down annoying..

“ You obviously know very little about The Punisher, otherwise you would have no reason to doubt. “

” Its just that neither one of us have been able to help.. What makes you think you will be able to? “

“ The Punisher knows Si like not even you two do.... and if you don’t believe that, ask him yourself “ Pun must have started to go through a but of a blackout, because I heard some quick stumbling. ( Punisher is grabbing his head trying to shake it off )

” Are you alright? “

“ The Punisher is fine. “

” How are you suppose to help him in the condition you are in? “

“ The Punisher said he is fine. “

” Lay off him Nic, he is here to help.. Tyler is in that room, you can go in whenever you are ready. “

A few moments later the door to the room I was in swung open, and Pun walked in, he walked over in front of me and didn’t say anything for a while, I assumed he was thinking of the best way to open a topic so sensitive.. After a while he finally started talking.

“ It must be tough, The Punisher knows how you must feel. “ And I cant argue with him, because he more than likely does actually know how I feel.

” I appreciate you coming here man, but I am just not sure if you will be able to help. “

“ Remember the last time you were in a situation? What did the Punisher tell you? “ I knew this was coming..

” Yeah I know you told me never to doubt you, but this is on an even bigger scale. “

“ Why don’t you tell The Punisher exactly what you want. “ I was hoping, waiting actually for him to ask this, even though I am pretty sure he has a good idea of what I want, I suppose telling him would be a good way to start

” I want you to find him... “

“ This is what The Punisher though you would want. “ Of course he knew.. He knows exactly what I want, he just wants me to tell him.

” Can you do it? “

“ If that is what you want... then yes. “

” Yes without a doubt that is what I want, “

“ And if you don’t mind The Punisher asking... what do you plan to do when you find him? “ ...damn, the tough question. One that I normally would not tell anyone the answer to, but I trust Pun, probably more than anyone.

” Well what would you do if you were in my place? “

“ The Punisher thinks you know the answer to that question”

” Then I think that answers the question... I think it goes without saying what I am going to do to him. “

“ You know The Punisher will never judge you for any choice you make”

” Of course. “

“ So whatever to decide to do when The Punisher finds him for you... is fine with The Punisher “ Heh, looks like I have support to do the worst to my own father, which is exactly what he thinks I will do, and what I plan on doing myself.

” How soon can you find him? “

“ How soon would you like The Punisher to? “ Typical Pun answer..

” by Tomorrow? “

“ You ask a lot of The Punisher.. But like The Punisher said, you will not be let down. The Punisher has always come through for you, and this time will be no different, if you want him by tomorrow, you will have him by tomorrow. “

” Thats just what I wanted to hear “

“ Now.. If you will excuse The Punisher, calls must be made. “

” You have no idea how much I appreciate this Pun.. “

“ Don’t mention it. “

as he turns to walk away, he nearly falls down, and clutches his head. Leaning up against the wall he once again tries to shake the cobwebs out.

” You sure you are up to this... “

“ Yeah... The Punisher is fine. “

” If you say so. “

He walked away, as soon as he got outside I saw him flip his cell phone open, already at work, I have no doubts now that Pun will come through for me. I walk out of the room for the first time in a few days and stand beside Nitara. She places her arms around me, obviously relieved to have me out and about once again.

” So what did you and Pun talk about. “

Wow.. Such an obvious question with an even more obvious answer.

” The weather. “

She meets me with a stiff jab to the shoulder.

” I know that was not it.. What do you think I am”

” Well you did ask”

I dodge her punch this time and she smiles.

” come to think of it I don’t even want to know.. Because when the police are at my door I want to honestly know nothing. “

” Haha”

” Tell me I want to know!”

” No.”

” Please? “

” Shut up”

” How come I never get to hear to cool shit you two do. “

” Because... you will run off like a little girl and tell everyone in site. “

” No I wouldnt. “

” I am not telling you.. Drop it. “

” Fine. “

He is too weak to argue with me.

” So what now? “

” Now.. I need something to eat, I have not had food in days. “

” sounds good. “

And we head off into the kitchen.. And for a brief moment.. I forgot about all the shit going on in my life.. And just enjoyed a meal with my wife.

wow, I never would have guessed a match with some many people in it could produce such low quality and pointless work. Every team has been spoken for. And yet none of you had anything to say worth mentioning.. It was all the same repetitive crap that everyone has heard many.. Many times before.

except... for one

That one being Avirez.

Now I am not saying you knocked one out of the park, but you actually gave me something worth mentioning. And since trashtalk is not my “forte” as you put it, I wont keep you here long Avi. Fact is, you are right, my career has been the classic story of being near the top but never being at the top. And like I already said, you may have went on to a higher level. And thats fine, because my time has yet to come, my prime has yet to be reached. While you have gotten as high as you will ever reach in this business, you have already began to flatline, while my career is still on the rise, I have not gotten near the expose you have received, and yet have remained mildly successful. But Avi.. Do you actually think you are doing something original by pointing this out? Come on man, you are suppose to innovate.. To me it seems like your shit is rinse and repeat.

What has gone on before this is done.

Let the past die... you have let the fact that I hold a 2-0 record against you die..

So let my past die with it as well.

And the next time you try firing verbal bullets my way... point it at your skull and play a game of Russian Roulette.

Cut it.