Either I am overly anxious about the match this Sunday.. Or no one else gives a shit. Either way I feel like I am all alone. Now, I am not doubting my teammates, well at least not Darvin, I know he will step it up in the next couple of days, because he always does. Jackrabbit.. I wouldn’t put it past him to not even show up..

What I do question is whether or not my opponents are going to do anything.

But.. Actually, what does it matter. This is something I have done in the past, and need to break the habit of doing. Its waiting for my opponents to say something, before I go ahead and respond.

But I am not on their time.

I don’t have endless amounts of time to sit around and wait on them to decide they want to cut a promo, I got shit to do.

And you would think people would be motivated to participate in a match such as this, with Countdown to Greatness just around the corner, the winner of this match has major momentum going into the Tribal Warfare match.

Then again, they take where they are at in this company for granted. Main events are not any different to them than an opener. But for me it is different. I have never been given a main event slot. I always have to earn my way into this slot. So when I get here.. I don’t sit on idle and expect good things to happen.

I take advantage of it.

I take advantage of the laziness of others and propel myself into the spotlight. Because that is the only way I know.

Because what some fail to see is that before this week.. I was fighting worthless matches. Where one.. I win in a complete squash, or I am held under and passed up to a bigger name.

And then Suddenly.. I align myself with Acts of God.. And it opened up a whole new world of opportunities. One’s that were closed off before this, one’s that I have never been able to even attempt before this.

Just look. Next week I have a shot at being the number one contender.

How many of you.. When I first joined would have seen me in that position?..

...I don’t see any hands ....

Anyone?.. Anyone at all?..

Hell no. None of you ever thought I would make it this far so quickly.. Hell some of you are just waiting for me to fail. Waiting for me to regress and revert to what you expect me to be.

But I wont.

And there is one reason and one reason only that I will not.

Because when I am given an opportunity, such as this, to prove myself.. I seize it. When I have a chance to exploit my opponents.. I take full advantage of it.

I’ve worked too hard to dig myself out of hell to stop now.

So I continue down the path... the path that will lead to a destiny that I never thought possible.

If anyone ever asks you... is it possible to rearrange fate..... point them in my direction, and I will tell them a story... I story of my progression.

Because right now... anything is possible.

” So what do you think it could be? “ Nitara left earlier today.. And it was not until later on that I realized where she went.. But she went to a psychologist, but it was not for herself.. It was for me.

“ I am still not completely sure what you think the problem is.. Tell me once more. And be very detailed. “

” Well, for a good deal of time, I thought it was just him. That it was just the way he was. But as of late I have noticed it very clear, that he is either overly excited and happy.. Or in a state of extreme depression. “

“ Has he been taken narcotics? “

” I am not sure.. “

“ You don’t know of any drug use.. Any implication what so ever would be helpful “

” Pills.. I don’t know what they are called or where he got them, but it seems every time I see them on him, he is passed out.. “

“ And when he wakes? “

” Depends.. Sometimes he is in a great mood, other times he wont even speak to me. “

“ Interesting.... would you say this is the point where you notice him being the most unstable? “

” Yes. “

“ Does he think he has a problem? “

” I am too afraid to ask him about it, Tyler gets incredibly upset of things that most people would not even mind. So when it comes to talking to him about this type of thing.. I am not good at it. “

“ So how do you plan to approach him about getting help? “

” ....I am not sure. “

“ It sounds like his delusion is due to the drugs.. If you want it to end before it gets too far, rehabilitation is the only option “

” I understand “ ....

She was quiet all afternoon, I didn’t know what was wrong, I assumed she was just tired, maybe having a bad day. But it seemed to be more than that. She seemed to be avoiding me, for the most past she wont even make eye contact with me. She is acting like she is doing busy work. When really, she is just walking around doing a lot of nothing. Finally I get tired of her avoiding me.. And I bring it up.

” Something wrong?”

” .. Uh, no.. nothing is wrong. “

” You have not said two words to me all afternoon, something is wrong. “

” I am just sort of tired. “

” So because you are tired, you are not going to speak, touch, or even look at me? Come on.. I know you better than that. “

” Its just that.. I don’t know how to say it. “

” Whatever you did.. Will only get worse if you hold it in, if you broke, lost, destroyed something just say it. I am sure I will live. “ I crack a smile.. But she doesn’t even look up.

” Its not like that. “

” Then what is it like? “ She pauses for a long period of time. And this just blurts it out.

” You have a drug problem” ...okay?.. Now, ever sine we met I have done some recreational drug use. Its just part of me. I have always believed if done in a controlled way, drugs can be recreational. So I am not sure why she thinks that..

” Come on.. Are you serious? “

” Yes, dead serious. You have been so moody lately, I find you at random places passed out with a bottle of pills lying beside you. You wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, scared because you are having such terrible dreams. “

She is right..

NO!.. God damnit.. She is not right, because you like it.. Its not a problem if you like it.

But I don’t like it.. I hate the feeling of being dependant on something. I hate having a craving for something that I cannot shake. She is right.. I am going to admit it.

You are getting soft, when have you ever admitted a weakness? If you think you have a problem work through it on your own.

I can’t, if I do it alone I will only tumble deeper down the hole.

Then give in.. Admit you are weak, admit you have fell into temptation and have become addicted to a drug you don’t even know the name of.. Tell her how you spend every night taking the pills, so you can escape the reality you hate. The reality that she is in.. Tell her that and see how she feels.

...She would be crushed..

Then don’t admit it.. And work through it.

But I need help.. I have to break away from my dependance.

But do you want to break way?..

I don’t know..

You enjoy the escape, you enjoy breaking away from the world you despise. You don’t have a problem.. You have merely found the solution..

” I don’t have a problem.. I enjoy it. I am not addicted.. I could quit if I wanted to. But I don’t. “

” Your not the same person when you are taking them “

” You’re right. I am a better person when I take them. I feel better about myself.. Because it gives me an escape... “

” What are you escaping.... “

... I don’t want to say it.. So I walk away.

Because what I want to escape.. Is everything.

Good, bad.. Everything.

Because in the end it is all the same, I want to escape it all. And if there is a way for me to do it, I will not pass it away. Longer term effects mean nothing to me at this point, I am looking for a way to escape now, the future is so far away I cannot even grasp it. I don’t need a release from what is going to happen...

I need a release from what is happening right now.

If you don’t understand my logic, that is fine.. I don’t expect you to. Because there is no possible way for you to know what has happened in my life.

But I have a fear..

That I am going to be exposed.

If I don’t give it up now.. Everything will be let out of the bag.

Because right now you have only be opened up to a faction of who I am.. If this continues you will see me like no one else has, in a light that most do not often get to witness. I fear what I have done.. Partly because I don’t remember..

And mostly because I do.

One way or another I cannot let go.. I must hold onto my escape.

Or else I will be forced to revert to the fate that was once laid before me.

And that.. Cannot happen.

The path continues... and the end is unclear. It doesnt matter where it ends..

It only matters that it starts... here.