It is my Search for Serenity.

unaffected by disturbance.

To live my life with a clear mind, not one that is clouded by thoughts of what life could be like, and memories of the past that haunt me like a shadow. That has always been my goal. To break away from the chaos that clutters my mind, and come to the point where I can put it all behind me. Set it aside and never look back.

But I have never been able to reach that point, and now.. Just when I thought I had the answer, I may have made it impossible to ever reach that level.

perhaps Serenity is just beyond my reach, I would even go as far to say that a mind such as mine is incapable of being free. Incapable of achieving serenity. Its like a prison.

But I refuse to believe that it is my fate to be trapped within the turmoil of my own mind for the rest of my days. There must be an escape out there for me. And if there is, I will find it. It may not be down the path I am on right now, but eventually my search will come to a close, and when it does. It will be a life altering experience.

I will not even be the same man. All masks will be removed. All the clouds blocking my peace will be moved away.

But that is my optimistic outlook.

If I was being more realistic.. If was to follow my life’s patterns I would not have this outlook. I would be more apt to shoot myself in the head then continue a search for eternal peace.

Because look at me right now..

I am as far away from my goal as I could possibly be. My mind is not only clouded and confused, but is now distorted with some foreign substance. I cannot even think for myself. My mind is racing in all directions..

All the wrong directions.

I have left home once again. Not on my own power. Not off my own accord, but rather off the judgement of my mind in its distorted state. Leaving the people around me confused, wondering why exactly I cannot be content.

Why cant I except things the way they are?.. And simply live out my life in a false sense of happiness?..

I think it answers itself.

it is false.

it is not real.

And right now.. I cannot tell what is real, and what isnt.

Reality and perception are blurred in my mind, and I do not know how to escape that state, I do not know how to clear the blurriness from my mind.

Right now.. I am lost.

Walking aimlessly... on the never ending search for serenity.

Blurry, blind... lost. Pick one, and you have exactly how I feel right now. I did something that even I think has crossed the line. I finally went too far. And sadly enough it was beyond my control, and I didn’t even realize until today exactly what I did. But now the stunning reality has hit me, this morning, I woke up.. In some run down hotel, my brain hurt, my stomach was in knots and I could barley walk.. But none of that pain would compare to the pain I was about to feel, because when I rolled over, lying beside me.. Were two women that I had never seen before in my entire life. I couldn’t believe it.. I wont believe it. As fast as I could, I got dressed and left that place, that place of filth. I walked down the street, barley about to keep my composure, because it was then it really hit me.. The full extent of what I had done came rushing at me 100 miles per hour and I was blind sided by it... it was all I could do to even get the words to come of my mouth, and even when I did I still did not believe it was true.

” I cheated on Nitara “

No.. That is too awful to even believe. No matter how far outside myself I was, there is no way I would ever do that, no way I would ever jeopardize what I have with the only person that matters to me. She is all that matters, nothing else does. Why would I do such a thing.. How could I do such a thing. I don’t even understand it. I need someone to talk to, I need someone to confess too. But who? Who would understand? Who would listen and not judge me? I cannot even think who that person would be. Its hard for me to even say it to myself, how am I suppose to admit it to anyone else. But I had to.. I had to get it out, and I had too fast. And as luck would have it, my phone rang... and “Nicolae’s cell” flashed across the phone, I wanted to answer it, but was having a hard time doing it.. Knowing I would admit it to him.. Who else is there fo me?

“Yeah... its me. “

” hey man.. Its Nic. Where are you at.. We got really worried about you. “

” I am fine.... “

” You don’t sound it.. Everything cool? “

” no.. “

” No?.. What happened man?.. “

” I don’t want to say it.. Its too awful.. “

” Come on, you can tell me anything.. You know I am beside you no matter what you do man. “

” ...I know, but this is bad Nic.. Real bad. “

” ...It doesnt matter to me, I just think it would be better if you told someone. “

I pause for a brief moment, trying to think of the best way to tell him, seeing as there is no good way to say this, I decide to come right out, and be blunt with him.

” I cheated on Nitara. “

And then.. It was almost as if the line went dead, he had no words of support, no comforting things to try and ease my mind with, just dead silence. It was an awkward few moments, nothing was said.. Because what is he suppose to say after something like that?.. And me, I don’t even know what to say.. So I say nothing. I simply wait for him to finally respond, which takes a good amount of time, and I understand.. Because that is how shocked I was when I found out.. And finally he speaks.

” No man... no you didn’t. “

” Yes Nic.. I did. “

” But.. How could you?! “

” I don’t know, I don’t even remember it, I don’t remember anything, all I know is I woke up in a hotel with two strangers lying beside me. And I knew instantly what I had done. “

” NO.. Shut the fuck up! Don’t tell me this! “

” I am sorry... I don’t know what else to say. “

” I cant even listen to this.. The sound of your voice sickens me, she loves you. And you are throwing it all away. No you threw it away. I wont let her get hurt, don’t come back here man.. Just leave, or I don’t know what I will do to you. “

” ... Don’t even worry yourself with it. Because soon.. I will be gone forever. “

” Good.. You don’t deserve her, fuck you don’t deserve to live. “

” Good bye Nic... “

” Burn in hell man.. Burn in hell. “

I dropped the phone on the ground, and walked away, knowing where my destination was going to end, I went to the place where I usually find solitude.. It’s a building, with a great over look of the city. Once I got there, I stood on top of it, looking out at the vast city, looking at it for the last time. It was over.. And I knew it.

I have no reason to live.

No reason at all..

I reach into my coat, and pull it out, a black silenced 9mm pistol, I close my eyes, and whisper.. ” Have mercy on my soul.. “ And then pressed the barrel against my skull, and pulled the trigger.

” TYLER!”

I snapped straight up.. And looked around, breathing like I had just ran a marathon, sweat pouring down my face, my eyes darted from side to side, and slowly reality came back to me.. I realized I am at home. Lying next to my beautiful wife, I looked at the clock.. 4:16 a.m.

None of it was real.

It was all just a....

Dream?....