IWF Chapter 13 | ...More than this.
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There has to be more to life than this. That’s what I keep telling myself, every day that I continue to live my life in its current state, I cannot help but think about the other ways I could be living my life. Ways where I don’t have to face disappointment and failure on such a consistent basis. A life where I can go about things without the constant pressure to succeed and live up to what others expect me to be. Because in this business that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am trapped in an endless cycle of monotony.. Every week, the same thing, never ending, never changing. Week in.. And week out, I do my job, I work... and work, but unlike a normal job where my hard work would pay off, in this job all it does is make the disappointment of failing that much greater To want something so badly but never be able to grab it rips me apart. And I face that on a weekly basis. Where I am placed so close to something.. And then yanked away from it. I build myself up.. I gain confidence within myself, only to have it crushed. Shattered week in and week out. And there is nothing I can do about it. It seems the harder I work.. The worse the defeat. What exactly do you expect from me?.. Maybe I’ll turn apathetic. It seems the ones that do the least amount of work.. Get all the glory. Our society has made apathy the “in” thing in this business. Its looked highly upon to wait until the last possible instant to cut promos. It’s looked highly upon to only do one.. Maybe two cuts a week.. And act like you don’t care. And then suddenly.. Wow you’re cool like Krunch or Jackrabbit. And on the flip side you have guys like me. Who do their shit.. And do it on time. Hell one of the reasons I am even in IWF is because of my reputation as being quite possibly the single most consistent wrestler in all of the game. And that is not boasting, that is fact. Don’t believe me? Then look it up. But really where has it gotten me?.. I quick run as EW Champion? A few mediocre titles?.. Yeah the positives are far outweighed by the negatives, because the negatives are going into the weekend show, knowing I worked my ass off. And walking out the loser. And I am sick of it. Part of me wants to simply throw in the towel. I want to give up.. Yell fuck you to everyone and disappear into the waves of mediocre wrestlers that will never be remembered. And right now.. Very few people would care. Hell know one even gave a shit when Nick Jackson left and he had far more success in IWF then I have been able to obtain. If I was to walk away.. People would not even blink and eye. They would say ah.. Guess we were right about him, and then.. That would be the end. All the work I put into this would be a waste and my accomplishments would be forgotten. And I guess that is why I stay. For the hope that when I actually do walk away from the game. Someone cares.. Someone will give a fuck that I left and people will remember what I have done. So that’s why I walk down this road every week. The road that leads to the same place, and I walk down it every week knowing full well what is at the end in hopes that maybe next time.. It will be different, that hope keeps me going. The hope that on day I will catch my break, that I will snap out of whatever dry spell I am in and live up to what I expect from myself. But in the back of my mind.. The thought is always there. Is there more out there for me than this?.. Could I enjoy a better life doing something else.. Something with out the stress, without the pain and agony? Surely there is. But even though the thought intrigues me.. It is not in my nature to give up. Most people would not keep going as long as I have. But like I said... I don’t fold easily. So here we go.. Heading back down the same road once more. Will it lead back to the same place?... Or will it twist into something new.. Something worth walking to. If not, I may explore my curiosity of what else could be out there for me. Let’s begin shall we?..
I woke up today.. Wondering if it is really worth it. The start of another week brings only more of the same. For the last two years I cannot even distinguish between the weeks, because they have all blurred into one giant web of repetitiveness. The moments of excitement that my life used to bring have faded. Because I remember when it used to be exciting to start a week, where there was a certain energy behind the challenge of facing a new week. Now.. It seems almost like a prison, like my sentence is a lifetime of this business. A business I used to adore, a business that used to be my life, the very thing I breathed, has now turned into a poison I wish to get rid of, a poison I want to spew out of my mouth and never taste again. But yet again, here we are. The situation is the same, the challenge is different yet... still the same. The task that lies before me is the same one as last week. Its like another chapter in a book that will not end. Until I close it, why cant I simply closer the book?.. Why?..
” You feeling alright?” You have got to be kidding me? You see what I mean?.. Its like this is a never ending cycle...
” I’M FUCKING FINE GOD DAMN IT! “
” Sheesh... could’ve fooled me. “
” Look, just get off my back about shit like that. I’m fine.. I’m always fine, so don’t ask, every time you are wondering if I am fine or not.. I am. So don’t ever ask me again....ok?”
” ...whoa... what’s your deal. “ Ok maybe I am overreacting.
” Nothing.. Forget it. Life is peachy. “
” ...riight. “
” Why am I always having to prove that things are ok with me?.. “
” Maybe its because things never are? “
” I don’t need to hear this. I’m going out. “
” Where are you going? “
” Don’t know.. Away from here for a while. “
” Want some company? .. “
” Not this time. “
” Ok then.. “
And so once again, I go Out. In search of something, but never really sure what that is. I didn’t even drive, I just wanted to walk. And as I walked, I came across one of those cheesy Church Bulletins that are always outside the church itself. It read.. “ No matter how bad things are.. There is always a reason to go on. Jesus is the reason . “ ...holy fucking hell how incredibly lame. I may be searching for a reason to go on. But Jesus certainly is not the answer, at least not my answer. And then, out of no where a man came up from behind me, a man I had never seen before, and was instantly repulsed because he seemed to be nothing more than street filth. He tried to put a hand on my shoulder and I jerked away,.
” Get the fuck off me. “
” Are you searching for an answer” ....yes.
” Not one you will be able to give me. “
” What makes you so sure of that? “ do I really need to answer that, all I had to do was take one look at him and I know.
” Because you are worthless, how can something who has not amounted to anything help me, you cant even help yourself. Get away from me. “
” You are truly lost aren’t you. “ More than he could ever know.
” Are you deaf?.. get the fuck away from me “
” Your problem is.. You are searching.. But in the wrong places, the answer is not within yourself. But rather outside yourself. But you wont accept help, and until you do, you will remain lost. “ Whoa...
He turns and begins to walk away.
” Wait. “ What am I doing? Am I actually giving this homeless fuck a piece of my time?..
” So what are you going to tell me?.. Jesus is the way? “
” No.. Because for some its not, some it is.. People kind comfort in religion, others find it in other things.. Let me ask you something, are you happy with your life? “
” I suppose. “
” Good job?.. Good Salary? “
” I am pretty set when it comes to that. “
” Family? Friends? “
” Little of both.. I have my wife, and only a few close friends. “
” Is that something you wish you had more of? “
” Once upon a time yes.. Now not so much. “
” Then what is it?.. What troubles you? “
” It just seems like there is more out there for me. More than what I have been able to grasp. And I don’t even know where to begin looking for it. You’re right, I am lost. Actually I am just walking down the same path over and over again. And I cant break away. “
” No one but you can change that. And until you decide that is really what you want, it will never change. “
He turns away again.
” Wait.. “
” Like I said.. Only you can change your fate. Only you.. “
Only me. Only I can change it... So, let’s change it.
So along came another Mayhem and along came another loss. A loss that turned out to be even greater then I first thought. Because fact is if I defeated Kevin Jones, I would be standing in front of you as the Gimmick Champion, instead, that titles belongs to Kevin Jones.. Jones, perhaps I got ahead of myself in thinking I was going to beat you. Maybe I got ahead of myself. I am not going to make excuses.. Not really my style, you won.. So go ahead and say what you got to say, make it look like I was nothing, make it look like you didn’t even try. Fact is you won so you can say whatever you want.
enough about him.
I need to address The Punisher. What exactly was your purpose in coming into my locker room? What was your goal that you were trying to accomplish? It seems you like to do things without a purpose. Without a point, I am not sure if you cannot get over the fact that I want nothing to do with you, or if you have some weird obsession with me, fact is we are threw. Finished. Done. Over. What else do I need to say Pun? And in case you want me to spell it out for you, this means, I don’t want you running into my locker room like a lost boy searching for a friend. I want you to go do whatever it is you do. Alone. And by alone I mean without me. Because I think I was wrong in saying our future was unknown, because I know perfectly well that we will never be a team again. You have proven to be worthless in the past, you were never there for me like you said. There in words.. Never in actions. Fact is, I don’t need you, now.. Or ever. So go about your business, enjoy your sub par matches with fucking Kyle Broadway. If you think you are the better man, we can look back in about a month, and see just how far you get on your own.
Now then.
Jack Forrester. A Man I know absolutely knowing about. And I am not saying this to try and build myself up, but I have no idea who you are, when I read the card that was the first time I have ever heard your name, so its hard for me to bash someone I know nothing about. So instead I want to give you some advice. See Jack, you have no doubt heard of me, after all I quickly gained a reputation for being so widely hated, I am sure you have heard I am nothing more than I guy who has been close to the top, but never on the top. That my story is coming close but never getting there. And I am not here to deny anything, because fact is, its all true. But I’m working on that. And Jack, the bad news for you is this. I cannot afford to lose, I have not won a match since my first week here, and after four crushing losses in a row, its time for me to turn shit around. And you seem like that perfect target, you may not be a big name like Kevin Jones or A2 that I have faced so far.. Which would have been HUGE wins for me. BUT.. Defeating you would be a win. No matter the size or importance it would be a win, something I have been craving for some time now.
I guess its up to you on how big of a win it is. Whether you step and fight, or lie down and hand me the win. I must achieve victory this week.
or next week...
May not come.
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