That time for me is now… and it is not over one single event, it is a culmination of things that have simply pushed me too far, being seen as a mockery in this business, personal issues, never being able to be taken as what I am… but rather what people think I am.. it has finally gotten to me. It has built up past the point of simply coping with it, that is futile at this point.

But how does one release his problems?… How do I let out all this torment building within me?.. Some people would go see a shrink, to vent their problems to why wasting hundreds of dollars, I have never put much stock in them.. I have never put much stock in other people. Others would resort to acts of violence, rage… to release the feelings bottled within.

I have been down that road more than once.

It not only doesn’t solve anything.. it almost always makes the situation much, much worse. It only serves as a temporary solution, only adding to the problems already stacked against you… so it light of experience, I have chosen to avoid that route.. but then again, if the problem is not fixed… sometimes it is the only way.

…Kevin Jones had a talk with fate.

Kevin Jones is an ass…

Only trying to mock me..

…Right now, I am wondering if even attempting to find solace is a goal worth attempting, or rather should I accept the way things are and simply cope.

Who knows…

Fact is if people could put past shit aside.. and give me the fresh start I deserve.. then a good deal of my problems would be over.

But the catch is… that will never happen.

Until the day I die.. When I am against all the Kevin Jones’ of the wrestling world, people dont even give me a chance. Before the week begins I am already picked to lose. KJ has not done a damn thing.. not in IWF, not fucking ever. And yet In a near unanimous vote.. you all decide he is the better man.

Fuck you..

Every last one of you..

If you think I can only win on effort and not talent, then put a fucking gun in your mouth and end your damn life. Or I will.. and I wont hesitate to splatter your shit all over the wall behind you.

…Hell you are probably right.. and If you are.. why am I wasting my time. Do I even have a chance?.. I should, but whether or not I am given it.. is not up to me.

..Whatever.

This shit has made me real apathetic.

…I guess we will see.

Lost in a daze, that’s what I feel like, last night, I hated everything, you.. me.. the whole fucking world, and so.. I drank it away, until I was so bloody fucked up that I could not even managed to walk out of the place I was at.. I dont care if it helped my situation or not.. because it seems nothing can make it worse, its already as bad as it can possibly be. Everything about this life I live has finally gotten to me, as of late I am finding it hard to even continue, with my job, with my friends, with life in general. So, I figured a night in excess could do no harm, hell the way things are going, I could get shot in the leg and I would half expect it, life has completely turned against me.. or maybe I have turned completely against it… regardless.. I hate it. .. Nothing can help me. Fuck it all

Open your eyes….

Sounded like the words of an angel.. a sweet voice came to me as I was in my state of slumber.

Open your eyes…

It came again.. so, this time I obliged…. And my eyes opened,

" Alright… what is it you want?"

I dont think that is the question… the question is.. what do you want?…

Its been a while since someone asked me what I wanted.. and come to think of it, I dont exactly know what it is that I want, its hard to put a pinpoint target on one single thing that I want. But I try…

" Respect, credibility.. a Life where I can live some sense of normalcy..

What is Normal?…

" I have no idea what a normal person lives like, because I have lived in hell my entire life, the term normal has never really applied to me. "

… So the chaotic mess, is normal to you.. that is you normality.

" You’re not making sense. "

I make perfect sense.. everyday you live a normal life, maybe not from the perspective of others.. but from your own.

This was turning me in circles.. nothing about me is normal. What the fuck does she.. know?

I know everything..

" What?.."

You asked what I know.. and I know more about you then anyone else. More than you even know.

" The tell me.. why is it I am never satisfied. "

Its not because you are a perfectionist, or an incredibly dedicated person, its because you set yourself up for disappointment. It is your own fault.

" No its not.. fuck you. "

And then you deny the very source of your problem.

" I feel capable of so much more than I have achieved.. I feel like I have untapped potential. "

Then tap into it.

" How do I do that?.. "

I think that is a question only you can answer.. if you think you can do more.. then do it, if not. Let it rest, and try to establish some peace within yourself.

" What the fuck do you think I have been trying to do. All I ask for is for something to happen to give me a fucking shred of dignity, give me something to show for all of my hard work. I Give and give and give.. and yet the only thing I get in return are misguided opinions and harsh critics always there to slap me in the face, "

So shut them up… do something about it.

" Not sure I follow.. "

.. He was right you know… the only way to have a destiny is to make it yourself.

" So…?.. "

So make your own destiny.. or live with the one given to you…

And that is when it hit me.. that sentence.. that very thought it what brought me back, what snapped me back into reality, and made me realize that If I want something, I must make it happen. There is no other way, there is no other alternative.

" Honey you looks terrible. " No shit…

" Wow how nice of you to say. "

" Where did you go last night?…"

" If I remembered, I would tell you, all I know is I wished I was dead then, and now I feel exactly the same. "

" I wish you wouldn’t talk like that. "

" Yeah.. sorry, being blunt has always been my trademark. " " I realize this, But there is no reason for you to say something like that, you have everything to live for. "

Ha.. that Is fucking hysterical, I have nothing to fucking live for, except to be ridiculed and rejected everywhere I go, working my ass off only to be slapped in the face by others who never give me the time of day… yeah tons to live for.

" Whatever.. "

" Dude you look like shit. "

" So I’ve heard. "

" Why didnt you take me with you?"

" Because you are annoying as fuck and I wanted to be alone. "

" They say only alcoholics drink alone. " Blank stare..

" What its true.. dont look at me like that. "

" You know nothing . "

" But they cant be wrong. "

" Who is they?.. "

" Ya know the people who research shit like that. "

" …you are so dumb it nearly boggles my mind why I allow you to hand around with me. "

"… So you wanna go get shitfaced!! "

" Yeah that’s exactly want I want to do after I drank more than I ever have in my entire life the night before.. go do it again. "

" ALRIGHT! Let’s go. "

" You’re kidding right?.. "

" Um… "

" Forget it.. I am going to sleep. "

" Night Hon. "

" Yeah.."

Whatever..