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Dead Angel's Diary

Tuesday, 7 February 2006

Things...
Mood:  don't ask
Life is so confusing...I don't know whether I want to stay or not. I can't seem to make up my fucking mind. One minute all is good and the next I'm back in the abyss of fucking Hell. Someone once told me not that long ago that life sucks because of the people in it. They're ignorant to the shithole that they live in, the lies that are life itself. This makes sense to me, but not all people are bad are they? Not everyone is like this, right? *sigh* I give up...This topic really tires me out

Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 5:40 PM
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Wednesday, 16 November 2005

Last Resort--Papa Roach
Mood:  don't ask

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Get funny/sexy videos from HourlyDump.com

Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 4:17 PM
Updated: Tuesday, 7 February 2006 5:35 PM
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Thursday, 10 November 2005

The 2nd Side of the Story...
Mood:  don't ask
The first time that one listens to Madonna's "Like a Prayer," they usually envision something beautiful: love and security, the feeling of finally being complete when in love. I recently listened to the song again and saw a whole different picture when I listened to it...

"Like a Prayer"--Madonna

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

Chorus:

When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me

(chorus)

Like a child you whisper softly to me
You're in control just like a child
Now I'm dancing
It's like a dream, no end and no beginning
You're here with me, it's like a dream
Let the choir sing

(chorus)

Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem
Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there

Just like a prayer, I'll take you there
It's like a dream to me

...Like most people I too did hear a love song about feeling at "home" when in love, but there is a darker side to this song. When one is abused when one is in lust or just caught up in the moment of passion, these same emotions arise. The feelings of being whole and secure for those moments when you are in the fit of passion with someone you don't even know...someone who just hands you the illusion that you are perfect...someone who uses you and you don't realize it until it's over; you don't realize the "fall" until there's nothing that can be done about it. "It's like a dream to me." It feels so good at the time...like it couldn't be possible that it's happening but then you wake up and it is real...then it's too late. He hands you compliments..his voice being that of an "angel sighing," bait to get you where he wants you and you're "on your knees" and he exercises the power and control he has over you. However, he's "not what he seems." He's Satan in disguise, deceiving to get you where he wants you; thus is the realization I made from experience.



Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 8:00 PM
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Saturday, 22 October 2005

My Poems...



"Thanks"

Most say bliss is a myth
And happiness can never be true
I thought happiness was real when I met you
I soon came to realize my ignorance
And the sadness behind it all
I found out you were taken
And I began to fall

I’d cry at night
Wishing you were there
I’d sit in the corner
And slit my wrist
If I can’t have you,
Why should I live?

You were a ray of sunshine
In a world so filled with shadows
My life was dark and dim even before I knew you
Now, I am forever immersed in my painful throes

But I just wanted to say “Thanks”
I would rather be in my current plight
Than to have never become so close to you


"Timeless Thoughts"

All alone in my secluded piece of beach
Memories of you keep invading my head
The salt ocean spray caressing my face
Your image continues to haunt me
No moon in the sky to give me hope
I want you so badly

The intensity of the rolling tide
Mimicking the wild beating of my torn heart
The billions of grains of sand
Are nothing compared to my countless tears shed

Yet even though I can’t have you
Thoughts of you
Will forever linger
Like the timeless sea


Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 11:37 AM
Updated: Tuesday, 25 October 2005 12:29 PM
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Wednesday, 25 May 2005

....
Mood:  don't ask
My Life in a Nutshell:




Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 11:44 AM
Updated: Wednesday, 3 August 2005 10:02 AM
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Wednesday, 11 May 2005

Her Face
Mood:  don't ask
I saw her again. I don't know how she is, but she is always there until I get closer. Years ago, when I shared a room with my sister, I saw her multiple times. I would wake up about the same time once in a while and see her. I would look over the side of top bunk, my bunk, and watch a scene unfold before my eyes. First, the mood was pleasant. She was the mother of a little girl who stood besider her. Then a man would walk in, and the lady and man would start yelling at each other. The little girl began to cry and cling to her mother's dress that appeared to come from a different time period. I would close my eyes real tight, and they would vanish.
Now I'm years older and have my own room. I no longer see the man or the child, but I see her. Sometimes I see her as I look in my mirror. She looks at me with pained, sad eyes. I see her in my dreams with the same look on her face, but every time I see her I am not afraid. I've grown up with odd "beings" being present. I inherit this "sixth sense" from my grandma. Can I really see things that others can't? I really don't know, but if I am hallucinating these things, why can't I push them from my mind? Why do I always see her? I feel as if she is trying to reach out to me, and sometimes I feel that she does...in a violent, scary way. Sometimes I feel as if I am looking back at myself, watching hopelessly as I self-mutilate myself and knock myself against the walls, screaming. "This can't be me," I think to myself. But if it isn't me, then who is it?



Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 12:10 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 3 August 2005 10:07 AM
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Friday, 18 March 2005

Words Flying By
Mood:  don't ask
everyday words fly by in my head...random and sometimes disturbing...now im going to put them here so I can get them out of my head and somewhere else...they are all grim facts about either my life or life in general...

every now and then I fall apart...dead bodies everywhere...help me...say wut you think, no one's listening...don't believe the lies...lift me up...bring me to life...no one's listening...my shadows only one that walks beside me...lost in the dark abyss...take me away from me...where will you go?...can't somebody help me...ascension of the spirit...can't run anymore...deserted...i walk alone...my suicide...burden of sacrifice...trapped...free me before I slip away...haunted by a vision...these images burn in my eyes...death all around me...lying next to me I fear...what's wrong with me?...beyond the reach of help...darkness blanket over me...take my hand and set me free...war...destruction...destruction of self...don't believe the destiny of life...it's a lie...


Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 2:12 PM
Updated: Wednesday, 3 August 2005 10:08 AM
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Tuesday, 15 March 2005

No Escape
Mood:  don't ask
I have come to the grim realization that I can't escape what I see even in sleep. I see more and more dead people every night. Some I know but most I don't. These dreams are vivid to the point where I think they are reality. Last night I saw a black figure hover above me, but I am not frightened. I don't care whether it is the wave of death flushing over me or not. To my dismay I wake up the next morning, but I remember in excruciating detail the death of a man during the time of stagecoaches. There is no electricity and horses are the only main source of transportation. I wander into a crowd of people. No one seems to notice me until a man starts to suddenly gasp for breath. The physicians wearing old fashioned, western clothes hurry over with nothing but themselves. The doctors of this time period are obviously not very advanced and therefore don't carry equipment of the modern day. I watch but am soon not a mere spectator. The man seems to know me. He, wearing a cowboy hat and in his late 30's, calls out to me and says only I can help him. I rush over there and assist him. It doesn't take me long to help him and he literally hops back up. He turns to go into the black and white theatre behind us as if nothing has happened. I ask him "Are you sure you're going to be okay? You should talk to the doctors." "No, I'm fine," he says and disappears. No sooner did he walk inside, the doctors run inside. I, myself, hurry inside only to find him again gasping for air. He calls to me, "Keep them away!" I see something familiar in his eyes. They speak to me, and I keep the doctors away from him as he slowly slips into death. His last words, "Thank you," are true and sincere. He truly wanted to die, but the real question is "Why?" I wake up feeling confused, but knowing I did the right thing. This man was better off dying than remaining alive. This was what he wanted, but the unanswered questions will plague me for days because I know this is more than a mere dream.

Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 2:31 PM
Updated: Tuesday, 15 March 2005 2:31 PM
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Saturday, 26 February 2005

Dark as Death
Mood:  don't ask
What I see in my mind disturbs me. What I think brings me on the edge of tears. I see eyes looking at me through the window, dark and beckoning to me, ominous in every way. I am alone but someone else is there. I can feel their presence. I see a woman screaming when I close my eyes. I see my body lying dead on the floor at different intervals throughout the day. The blood so red on the floor it must be fresh, but no one cares. My self-esteem so low I want to kill myself whenever I think of him not wanting me. My dark poetry doesn't help and fate is not on my side. No one knows how to help or what is even wrong with me. Why won't they see me? Why won't they notice me? They unknowingly drive me deeper and deeper into my grave. They are slowly killing me but they don't even know it...

Posted by goth2/pinkpixie at 1:54 PM
Updated: Tuesday, 15 March 2005 2:12 PM
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