EyeChewRazors: but yeah that's good enough for me
Insipid Iniquity: I feel like shit, I wanted to go.
EyeChewRazors: i was kinda like, "yeah he never wants to
see me again, you're being stupid so leave it."
Insipid Iniquity: No, that's not the case.
Insipid Iniquity: I... just don't want to see you as I saw you
before.
Insipid Iniquity: I know what would happen the first time I saw
you.
Insipid Iniquity: I'd want to do one of to things, either cry or
embrace you.
EyeChewRazors: ...and if you see me now, ywhat would
you do?
Insipid Iniquity: I don't know.
EyeChewRazors: i mean, if you're so attached how can you
think of that
Insipid Iniquity: It would hurt me to see you but at the same
time I'd be seeing someone that I hadn't for months on end.
Insipid Iniquity: Ofcourse I'd want to bearhug you.
EyeChewRazors: i thought i would cry when i saw you but
then i was like forget it
EyeChewRazors: i'd hug you and then be standoff-ish and
sarcastic most of the time
Insipid Iniquity: Yeah, I wouldn't be all over you, that's dead.
EyeChewRazors: but i'm past that, i got a SHITILOAD of
applause and that's made everything better.
Insipid Iniquity: That's sad..
EyeChewRazors: i'm like "yay, people love me" (of course
it's my character but...)
EyeChewRazors: it is sad.
EyeChewRazors: i've become satine, all i need is the
disease.
Insipid Iniquity: That's why I don't like the thrill, no, the sedative
of the theatre, the life of the actor any more.
EyeChewRazors: i love it. i can't live without overwhelming
joy.
Insipid Iniquity: I meant its sad that the only source for that sort
of gratification comes from pleasing others.
EyeChewRazors: maybe i'm compensating for lack of joy
feel for and from thing outside the underworld
Insipid Iniquity: Yeah...
Insipid Iniquity: I know exactly how that is.
EyeChewRazors: yes. i gratify others.
Insipid Iniquity: I don't shun you for it, you do what makes you
happy.
EyeChewRazors: nothing makes me happy anymore.
maybe that's why i called you that night for no reason
EyeChewRazors: maybe not.
EyeChewRazors: maybe i'm going insane
Insipid Iniquity: But in your own words you thought about it
every day, almost obsessively so.
EyeChewRazors: not obsessively. just every now and then.
EyeChewRazors: not everyday.
EyeChewRazors: i was just excited to be talking to you so i
may have exaggerated.
EyeChewRazors: i'm not a chicken, if i was obsessed with
you i would have called you a lot sooner.
Insipid Iniquity: Even to the extent of exaggeration of the
emotions you felt for me even months after leaving me almost so
coldly?
EyeChewRazors: i was acting.
Insipid Iniquity: I guess you don't see how bad you scarred me,
but I suppose that's fine.
EyeChewRazors: i was following the dogma "if he believes
you don't love him it will go easier."
EyeChewRazors: it's stupid and i know that now
Insipid Iniquity: What do you mean about "i was acting"
EyeChewRazors: but i can't take it back.
EyeChewRazors: if you thought it was THAT easy for me
to let go, maybe you'd be like "oh well. that's the way it is."
but you weren't so cynical then.
EyeChewRazors: so what the hell was i thinking?
EyeChewRazors: please rest with my apology?
Insipid Iniquity: I'm past that, I'm over the breakup but still the
scar remains.
Insipid Iniquity: All has been forgiven, even months ago.
EyeChewRazors: good.
Insipid Iniquity: Don't worry about that.
EyeChewRazors: okay.
Insipid Iniquity: Just don't pretend, not with emotions.
EyeChewRazors: never anymore.
Insipid Iniquity: I've seen that game played.
Insipid Iniquity: Its been done to me, I've been used so many
times.
EyeChewRazors: did i use you?
Insipid Iniquity: Bold face liars looking me in the eye saying that
they love me as they take whatever they want from me.
EyeChewRazors: i don't think i ever used you.
Insipid Iniquity: No, I don't think you did.
EyeChewRazors: no.
EyeChewRazors: i was not so zidler minded back then.
Insipid Iniquity: Well, for what its worth your emotional
masquerades have succeeded in confusing the hell out of me.
Congratulations. I can't even understand how you can fabricate
feelings based on the needs you have in my life.
EyeChewRazors: wha???
Insipid Iniquity: If you ask me that's a bit twisted, sure I'm a sick
fuck but I don't play those type of games.
EyeChewRazors: i'm confused as well what are you
saying?
Insipid Iniquity: I wouldn't exaggerate my feelings for someone
just to make them feel better, I wouldn't claim to be so obsessive
over someone that I only thought about from time to time just to
make them say "aww, how sweet" or "wow, you really did care."
Insipid Iniquity: When you called I was at an EXTREMELY
vulnerable point in my life.
Insipid Iniquity: I took your words as gospel, a mistake.
EyeChewRazors: i live moment to moment. when i called i
was so happy to be talking to you that it was as if every
moment i wasn't with you, i was dreaming of you. and you
were there in the back of my mind, yes, it would always be
like "oh steve would think that's soo funny" or "man i miss
him That was stupid of you" but i never took it upon myself
to do anyting about it.
EyeChewRazors: so what am i supposed to say?
Insipid Iniquity: The truth?
EyeChewRazors: YES I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH
YOU! i would say yes if you wanted me back in an instant.
but i don't want to make myself look like a love obsessed
freak in front of you
EyeChewRazors: that what it is!
Insipid Iniquity: All I've ever asked from anyone is that they be
real with me, atleast with their feelings if nothing else.
EyeChewRazors: you say "i have moved on. don't close the
door to freidnship." i say "GAAAAAAAAH! he doesn't
want me anymore, i guess i'll try to do the friend thing,
Insipid Iniquity: But you don't have to worry about that
happening, there is no going back. I'd appologise but I'm not sorry.
After all the hell I've been through since you ripped my fucking heart
out there is no way I could get back together with you. You didn't
use me, you emotionally raped me.
Insipid Iniquity: You're right, you can try the "friend thing"
EyeChewRazors: be calm and collected and mature, and
try not to feel the stab of jealousy whenever i know
Insipid Iniquity: Just know that I'm a different person from the
Stephen you knew.
EyeChewRazors: and i'm a different manda.
EyeChewRazors: leave it at that.
EyeChewRazors: but i don't want to. i know it's impossible
but the tiniest glimmer of hope blinks in and out of my mind.
you want truth, here it is. i'm not covering it up.
EyeChewRazors: so what am i supposed to say, sorry for
raping you, should i go to jail?
Insipid Iniquity: When you dumped me you stabbed me, now
every time you say those sort of things, that you'd take me back in
an instant, you twist the knife. But I'll just pull it out now. To be blunt,
don't bother, there's no chance that we'd ever be again.
Insipid Iniquity: No, its different.
Insipid Iniquity: You didn't rape me in any way physical,
perhaps I should of phrased that differently.
EyeChewRazors: every time you speak i say "all right. there
it is."
Insipid Iniquity: There what is?
EyeChewRazors: there's no chance of us ever again
EyeChewRazors: and i'll get on with it
EyeChewRazors: is this what you want to hear, it's true.
Insipid Iniquity: Good, but how do I know you're not just acting
now Ms. Garland?
EyeChewRazors: fuck you, okay?
EyeChewRazors: that is nothing to do with this.
Insipid Iniquity: I didn't say it did.
Insipid Iniquity: Merely a connection.
EyeChewRazors: i'm NOT ACTING.
Insipid Iniquity: But it doesn't feel good does it? Your face
flushing with frustration, anger, and the passion of the moment?
Insipid Iniquity: Sucks doesn't it?
EyeChewRazors: you hurt my soul.
Insipid Iniquity: What if I were to call you a pathetic piece of
shit and that you need to grow up and move on? Then you'd know
how I feel, atleast a little bit. But I'm not a fucking monster.
EyeChewRazors: you're enjoying this aren't you?
Insipid Iniquity: I forgive and move on.
Insipid Iniquity: No, just letting you see it through your own eyes
instead of being on the outside looking in.
EyeChewRazors: nevermind. i don't want to talk to you
anymore. you make me sad.
Insipid Iniquity: I make you sad? That's rich. How do you think I
felt on July 11th?
Insipid Iniquity: Think I was sad? I was beyond that.
Insipid Iniquity: I was furious with myself, sad, depressed, broken.
Insipid Iniquity: My mind was a fucking melting pot of emotions
and chemicals, slowly stewing into some sort of dangerous brew to
devour any fragment of sanity left therein.
Insipid Iniquity: Don't even play the victim.
Insipid Iniquity: You know what, fuck being civil.
EyeChewRazors: i am not the victim.
EyeChewRazors: i won't be the victim.
EyeChewRazors: not yours. not anybody's.
EyeChewRazors: there's nothing left but my fucking pride,
okay?
EyeChewRazors: not even pride i have none.
EyeChewRazors: now that i'm nothing to you i feel like
nothing to the world.
EyeChewRazors: but i won't be the victim.
Insipid Iniquity: Then what will you be?
Insipid Iniquity: You when there's nothing left?
Insipid Iniquity: Yourself when you're dead to the world?
EyeChewRazors: what is there?
EyeChewRazors: i am not dead to the world, there are
plenty the love me.
Insipid Iniquity: Do they?
EyeChewRazors: if i died right now my funeral would be a
zoo.
EyeChewRazors: yeah.
Insipid Iniquity: You certainly love to contradict yourself.
Insipid Iniquity: Perhaps you are going insane.
Insipid Iniquity: Perhaps the world IS getting smaller!
Insipid Iniquity: Right, well. I'm through. Aren't you grounded?
EyeChewRazors: go away.
Insipid Iniquity: I'm long gone.
EyeChewRazors: good.
EyeChewRazors: stop talking.
Insipid Iniquity: Why? Does it hurt? All you've got to do is press
block.
Insipid Iniquity: I'm a creep.
Insipid Iniquity: A bastard.
Insipid Iniquity: It feels good.
EyeChewRazors: i don't want to be mad at you.
Insipid Iniquity: Hmm, okay. Then we'll speak another time I
suppose.
EyeChewRazors: yes. maybe.
