the day the whole world went away

=june.8.03= I am so lonely. I can’t stand it. Every guy I meet either can’t handle that I have a child, or they have issues with my past. But my past is my past. I can’t change that. I can’t go back and take away what I had with will, and if I could I wouldn’t want to. If I changed my past, I wouldn’t have my present and my future in Lucas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ::june.6.03:: so....haha...jeanette and will broke up. this could be good or bad...i think its good because he doesnt deserve anyone, even if it was only that troll-faced woman. plus, he hates being alone. so i know hes miserable. but it could be bad because he might try to get back with me. and i might say yes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +may.20.2003+I wish you were around sometimes. Sometimes I miss you. I miss the way you kiss me, the way you always held my hand. I miss the way you held me, the way you watched me in my sleep. I miss the sound of your voice; I miss hearing you say, “I love you”. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling your arms around me, I miss rolling over and kissing you. Often, I sit and think of what my life would be like if I had never met you, never loved you. I would be getting ready for college now, worrying about the parties after graduation. I would still be the scared, insecure girl I always had been. I wouldn’t know how strong I am as a person. I wouldn’t have our beautiful son. I would’ve never known what love felt like. I thank you for showing me that, albeit flawed, it is the only love I have ever known. I wish that we could still be together, sometimes. But I know you’ll never change. I really wish you would. Because I love the person you could be. And I always will. I think about you, I think about us, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I get so upset at just the thought of us. How I could’ve let it get as far as it did, as quickly as it did. But you know I always blame myself for things that aren’t my fault. So I blame myself for all of this. I blame myself for wanting you, for falling for you. I blame myself for loving you, for seeing you as someone you never were. I blame myself for letting you treat me the way you did. I blame myself for losing you. And I blame myself for wanting you back. I hope you think about me often. I hope it’s not always in a bad light. I hope you’re happy in your life, that you find someone who will love you as much as I do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .april.29.2003.my 18th birthday! i didnt really do anything much at all. i spent it with lucas, so i was happy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .march.2003. well...as you can see, i havent been here in quite some time. this is due to me having my son, lucas william-franklin [i decided on lucas because he had blonde hair and blue eyes...he didnt look like a damien. i was going to name him lucius, but i thought it may sound too feminine. lucas means "bringer of light"] on february 28, he was 8lbs, 13 oz, he is the most beautiful child i have ever seen. im not just saying that because hes my son either :-D i never knew i could love someone so much. he is so innocent, and perfect. i wish will was here to see what he helped create. he didnt show up to the hospital at all. i called his lawyer, like i was supposed to, but he still didnt come. oh well. it is definately his loss. such a handsome baby boy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *January 26, 2003* ~baby shower~ So I had my baby shower today. It was depressing, yet fun. It was basically only my mom’s friends there, with the exception of 2 people, Maggie and Linda. Linda left about 15 minutes after I got there it seemed. Oh well. I got a lot of great things. Almost everything that was in my baby registry. I heard a lot of shit about naming him Damien from my moms sponsor, Barbara. “He’s going to get picked on”…yea. And? Everyone gets picked on, and no matter what I name him; kids will find a way to make fun of him. And I heard about the “satanic” meaning of Damien from Tammy too. I have my rebuttal for that, so that was ok, and I assume I’m going to get that a lot naming him that and dressing the way I do. That’s ok. I think Damien and I will get over it. I bought him tiny vans sneakers today. Little itty cabs. So cute. So here I am in my room, er, I mean, our room. Full of all these happy baby things. It’s a bit late to be having any second thoughts, and having all this stuff now makes it seem so much more real. Not that it doesn’t seem real with the massive expanse that was once my tiny waist, or the excruciating pain in my back and legs and abdomen. But this just shows that he is going to be here soon. No more “me” time ever again. No more late nights (except for work), no more concerts whenever I want. And dating, haha, shit. I don’t even think I care. There’s a certain someone I have my eyes on, but I don’t know. I can’t expect him to want a baby and me. And he’s going to have to realize that he’s man number 2. I can no longer give my boyfriends whatever they want whenever they want. I can only try to fit them in after I take care of every tiny thing that Damien needs. I know that that motherfucker Will isn’t going to be worrying about any of this. Oh, did I forget to mention that he’s engaged AGAIN? That’s right, what number is he on now? Oh, Jeanette is number 4. I wonder if she knows that. Ah, yes, and she has a baby. Alex…for some reason I think that Will is just trying to make himself a family, because he knows that he isn’t going to be in this one. That or just fucking her because he knows that her having a baby would bother me. He’s so fucking desperate and whipped anyway. Coming down 2 hours to see her all the time, when I had to BEG him to come down to see me on the weekends while feeling fucking miserable and sick carrying the child he unfortunately helped to create. Fucking bastard. How could I have been so stupid to let this go on, to even contemplate that he would be a good father? Whatever. My mistake, and I am taking care of this. Without him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *January 10, 2003* Well. Today is a big day, I guess. We are finally going to court for the assault charges. I hope that it can get resolved today, so I can move on to worrying about our future days in court together. Why does he have to be so difficult? Can’t he just let it go? Let me go? Let the baby go? Why does he need to hang around? All he is doing is making things worse. I wish he would just slither away and die. I really do. He knows what he is doing to me. And he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be a father to my baby. I know it in my heart. He only wants to make me miserable. Or maybe to say that he has a kid? No, that’s not it, because he’s still telling people that it isn’t his. Yet he wants to sign the birth certificate. Uh huh. He needs to make up his fucking mind. My baby doesn’t need some brainless, indecisive father hanging around. I know that’s part of the reason that Will is the way he is. Because his father was never around, and his mom let him think that he was perfect, and he could do whatever he wanted. She still treats him like that. He lies and says that his dad was around, but I know better. His mom told me how he used to sit by the window and wait for him, but he would never show up. I feel bad that he had to go through that. That’s part of the reason that he should stay away from the baby. It’s better to have no father than to have a shitty one. I told him that part of the reason that he is so judgmental of others is because he isn’t sure of himself. But of course, as always, I was wrong in his mind…there is nothing wrong with him…ever. Everyday as I get closer and closer to meeting my baby, I get more and more worried about what his future is going to hold. Court is important today. Maybe it will make him realize that he needs to be responsible for what he does. That he can just go around, doing whatever he pleases, and get away with it. He needs to see that he isn’t 15, or 17 anymore. He’s 22. He needs to act like he’s 22. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *December 14, 2002* All I ever wanted was to be happy. I thought that I had found that when I met him. He made me feel special; he seemed to accept me for who I was. When he told me that he loved me…I cried. He didn’t know it, but I did, I cried. I was so happy. No man had ever told me that…I knew that it was what I wanted to hear…I guess he knew that too. I guess that he never really did though…and if he did, he sure had an odd way of showing it. I knew that I didn’t like the way that he was treating me…but I didn’t want to loose him. He was all I had. I guess I had hoped that he would realize that he was hurting me and stop. When I tried to tell him…he made me think that I was upset about something else. I knew that I wasn’t though. He threw me a birthday party and I spent most of the night in the bathroom crying because he was mad at me. He never hit me, but what he did hurt me more than I think his fists ever could. I loved him…for the person that I thought he could be if he really tried. But I never got to meet that person that I loved. Only his shell. His hateful, arrogant, hurtful shell. My friends told me to leave him, my parents too…but they didn’t understand the person I saw underneath. So I wound up loosing my friends, and pushing myself away from my family. We talked about getting married, having a family and a house of our own. He introduced me to his mother, who told me that I was “the one”, and said I could call her mom. I was on a cloud. Nothing could touch me…I had his love. And I had his promise of a happy future. We went into the city, and he bought me a cheap little ring…I cherished it. Never took it off. I could sit there for hours staring at it…thinking about my future as a happy, well-rounded person. I was so naive. And I had made new friends! All of his friends accepted me, or so I thought. My happy existence was going to be challenged though…he was leaving for school. I was ok with that though…he promised that we would talk everyday, and that he was going to come back, and we were going to be together always. I threw him a party. The best party he ever had, he called it. I helped him pack. I took some of his things to keep his smell around me. He left early in the morning…I didn’t even go to school…I cried all day. He was gone for a few weeks…and I wasn’t feeling that well. I realized that I hadn’t had my period in a while. Him and I had never used anything…I was on the pill…but he wanted me to stop taking it so he knew that I wasn’t going to cheat on him when he left. So I did. I called him…he wasn’t there. I waited for him to call me back. He did. I asked him when I got it last, he said not to ask him that. We hung up. I went out and bought 2 tests. I took one. I couldn’t read it. I took the other one. It had 2 lines. I didn’t trust this test. I went out and bought 3 more. They all had 2 little pink lines on them. I still didn’t believe it. I bought 2 more. They came out the same. I cried. For hours. I couldn’t stop. When I finally did, I called him, and he wasn’t there. I called his mom. She was so excited. She started talking about the future and names and all that. She cheered me up…I was going to have a perfect, normal future. He was going to finish school, and we were going to get married, and have a perfect little family. I told him that night. He didn’t really say anything. Then he said that he was going to come home. I told him no. But he did. And from there, everything went sour. He moved in with his mom. She lived 2 hours away. I went up there with him on the weekends. The last weekend, I felt like something bad was going to happen. It did. He put me down all weekend. I cried a lot. The last day, I tried to talk to him…still searching for the man that I loved inside that hateful façade. Again…he was nowhere to be found. I broke up with him that day. And I cried for hours. I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe. The whole way home, and after that, the next day and for weeks after. I tried to write to him. I don’t know why. But I did. After that…I realized that the man that I wanted to find was never in there to begin with. He said and did so many hurtful and asinine things since then, I wish that I had never heard him say I love you that night in bed. As much as I wanted it, I knew that it wasn’t there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *October 10, 2002* I was laying in bed, just before, staring at the pictures on my ceiling, and I thought of how happy I look in all of them…I guess I put them up there to remind me of the “good times” in the first place. But they don’t make me happy now. They only give me another reason to cry. When you take a picture, of a party, or you and your friends, or someone takes a picture of you just laughing, or smiling…you never realize that after that split second, the moment is gone forever. I realized that this morning. As I was looking at them, I knew that that was the past…I would never be like that ever again. I saw me with Meghan. Meghan, who won’t talk to me anymore. I saw Preeti and Liz, who don’t talk to me either. And girls from Mother Seton, who I never see or talk to. And just me happy. That doesn’t happen much now either. I know that I will never be that person again. I will never wear those clothes, or go to those parties. There won’t be any pictures of me smiling. I haven’t been happy in so long that I almost forget what it feels like, or at least it feels like it’s been that long. When I was with Will, I felt happy, in the beginning. But Will, like all the other guys that I have ever been with, apparently never cared about me the way that I cared about him. This whole pregnancy has been so much harder than I thought it would be. I never thought that it would be easy, not at all. But I never thought that I would feel this way, feel so sad all the time, feel so tired and sick all the time. I thought that at least I would be happy, and with the person that I loved. But that person is non-existent, and I am sick and miserable. Anyone who thinks that pregnancy is fun or is easy should go and sterilize themselves now. Anyone who thinks that I did this on purpose…I can’t even fathom the thought of me throwing my life away like that, so to speak. At the same time, I love my baby more than anything. The thought of giving him away kills me. My father wants me to call this person, and talk to that person. “Just be informed,” he says to me, but I know that’s not what he means. No matter what my parents say, I know that I have let them down. No matter how much they say that I didn’t or that it’s ok, I know that its not. I would be disappointed in my daughter too. Hopefully, I will never get the chance to be. I know that there are families out there who could give my baby a great life and everything that he could ever want. I know that I couldn’t do that. That hurts me so much to know that I can’t provide for my baby. To know that the better option would be to give him away. But if I didn’t want to do this, I would’ve gotten an abortion when I had the chance. It was offered to me, but I knew that it was my responsibility to take care of and love this baby. I thought that I would have Will too, but I know that I won’t, and now, I don’t want him involved. I know that that is one right decision that I have made so far. But I don’t think that I can make 18 years worth of right decisions for my baby. I couldn’t do it for me; I probably can’t do it for him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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