another aspect
.....perhaps with him in my life, i dont need to cut. maybe he fills the void of loneliness that cutting used to fill, maybe the pain that i would feel from cutting i am getting from some other source.
.....i am punishing myself in another way. like, perhaps, by getting involved in a relationship that i know can only hurt me.
.....and i smile as i write that.

Why do I cut? I cut because it makes me feel better. That is the most simple and most all-encompassing answer.
When I feel as though I am all alone, my knife comforts me. It shows me that I am still capable of feeling, of bleeding. And I do love the blood.
But, the more important reason is that it helps me to regain control of my life.

......the main thing to remember is I cut to gain a sense of control. If I can control my pain, then I can control other aspects of my life. And, physical pain is much easier to cope with than emtional pain.

Physical pain is very different from emotional pain. Do you doubt me? Then let me prove it to you. Have you ever broken a bone? I personally have not. But I understand that it hurts a great deal.
Remember how much it hurt when you scraped up your knees as a munchkin? It hurt, sure. But that pain went away. You could get up after a few minutes or a few hours and move again. You could pop a few Tylenol 3 or some Advil and make it all feel better, right? I know I did.
It is a wonderful feeling, to be free of pain. Too often we do not realize that it feels good NOT to hurt. We notice only when that feeling is gone, replaced by pain.

Back on topic, think hard to what it feels like to have a broken heart. Everyone knows how much that hurts. But it isnt the kind of pain that Tylenol will make disappear.
What if there was a way to take that heartache and turn it into a pain that drugs could take care of? Do you understand where I am leading? I have found that way.

All it takes is a knife and a bit of courage to try something new.
The weak...they use drugs to dull the pain after cutting. I do not. I am strong enough not to. I love the pain. I touch the fresh wounds and they explode with pain again. It helps so much, to feel.

Take a blade. A patch of skin that can easily be covered. Under a watchband.
Winter is your friend. Long pants and sleeves.

Press the tip into the flesh until it burns. A quick flick of the wrist holding the blade. A trail of red opens up. Another, next to it. And another. A grid appears, they are orderly.

I think that scares people, too. The order of what I cut. I am not sure why. I suppose it seems a little frightening, that something so abnormal should appear in such a sane and logical physical form.

website to make
\\Dellbusserver\dellstudents\WebDesign\Jordan Ashley\html web\intests.html

Together (april 14, 04)
Hey, yah...okay, i went over to jesse's the other day to hang out after work. We went downstairs to his room when i got there and i sat on his couch that he had moved to the other wall, closer to his bed. He came and sat next to me...and i kept playing around, cause i was in a really strange mood. I think it was that movie that i watched. "gigli", yah...i really liked j'lo's character in it...i dont know it had an effect on me, and she had a very interesting way of describing being gay.
Anyway, after awhile jesse kept trying to sorta mess around, and i kept playing around and sortof shoving him off a lil' bit...because i dont know, i guess i was more in the mood at that time to be with, oh man, i guess i was more in the mood to be with a girl, so i was questioning myself, and my curiousity was running wild.
I got better towards the end of the night though, i wasnt in that mood anymore:) We layed in his bed ant watched a movie...well tried to watch a movie. He had put "frality" in...but i dont know exactly what that movie is about because we kept destracting each other. But there were still people upstairs, so we had to be careful.

By about 11:30 pm, im pretty sure that most everyone upstairs was asleep. So we layed there together in his bed with our bare skin touching, everything besides our underwear was laying around the floor and over his couch...
Then he started kissing my lips, and my cheek, and then he brushed his lips against my neck and down my chest...and i could feel the butterflys in my stomach because i wasnt sure what he was doing, but i got an idea. Then eventually he slipped my panties off and started kissing down there. It felt really nice, but after a lil' bit he stopped and started kissing my stomach again, like he was moving his way more upward...and i was confused.
Then he kissed me, i hate that...ever since i saw that one episode of sex and the city, where miranda is talking about that...why do guys kiss you after doing that?? Or want you to kiss them after doing that? ewww...well, i try to avoid it, but i cant just be like..."Dont kiss me."

Anyway, after awhile of lightly brushing our hands on each others skin, he got in an akward position, and slightly started doing that again, except this time, after while, i found that our bodies were opposite of each other, oh yah! thats right! He had moved to that akward kind of position.
I think that he watches too many movies...i mean, that was the first time ive ever tried that, and im not sure if i liked it...it wasnt bad but it was weird. And it pisses me off that he couldnt just do me the favor without expecting something himself in return. I mean, how many times have i done it for him? where the favor wasnt returned to me? Now grantid, that wasnt really possible before-hand, but common...

Well, after a short while of that, we layed there and then he started rubbing up against me, and mind i remind you that neither of us our wearing anything at all. I wasnt making things any better. We were really close, and i kept pulling him closer to me...i could tell that he wanted to just do it so badely, but kept stopping himself, which is good...because i dont want him doing it just because, i want him to make the decision that he wants to do it because he wants to and is ready. The decision is mainly up to him!
Well, i must have did something towards the end, because instead of laying next to each other, he went and postioned himself over me, and was getting really close. Then he was getting ready to do it, and if he would have pushed down at all, he wouldve...but as he started moving towards that...i quickly asked him, "are you sure?"...he kept saying, "i dont know."...and i dont like that answer...well, we didnt. He has alot of will power, that is good! Cause i dont! I stayed alot longer then i was supposed to. I left around 1 am...when i was supposed to be home at like midnight. But i couldnt help it. I got dressed and he was sitting on the couch, i went over and started kissing him, but then we both stopped cause i really did need to get going, and if we kept it up i wouldnt have left.
He walked me upstairs after i gathered all my things, and before i left, i was standing by the door, watching him come closer to me, and i backed up so i was closer to the door...then he came up and pushed me up against the door with one hand resting on the glass, and kissed me. OH MAN...WRONG THING TO DO! this really gets me, when he pushes me up against things, cause its aggressive and i love that, it gets me going so bad! But yah, he pulled away again, and i walked to my car.

I was feeling pretty brave tonight, so i took the gravel road, the other way cause its shorter then the regular way...and it was scary. I dont normally go that way because of the bridge...the haunted bridge, its called "school teacher bridge." But i did it tonight, i didnt see any ghosts, but when i got to the bridge, there was this deer that kept hopping in and out of the road and i was so scared that i was going to hit it. Then i climbed in my window to make sure the dogs didnt bark since i was late getting home. It worked out well. Well, i will ttyl, gotta go.

Silently Insane
Okay, im continuing that last entry over to a next one cause it was getting kind of long. Anyway...about this weeks party.
For the last week it has been a big thing that lenny keeps saying to josh that he isnt going to come to my party because jesse will be there and for dumb and unknown reason lenny doesnt like jesse. Well, what is funny about this is that he showed up tonight with steve, i have to say tonight was interesting. I had to run to walmart after work, well nagle and josh ended up going to ihop and i guess that lenny and steve went over there too...that is total crap. Well, when i got home jesse was the first to show up, then erin and her friend grace came, and after that josh, nagle, steve, and lenny showed up. Later on only for a lil while did kiki and his girl show and ashley burrows showed up for a lil bit later on too.
I really hate alot more people then what i thought. And im so confused about people too. As much as i say i hate lenny and how much i hear that he talks shit about me, i still feel comfortable around him, which is odd.

Anyway, they liked jumping on the trampolin...hehe, and then they wanted to order a pizza, so i said if everyone puts in for it...
What was funny about this group of people was that they had all left before midnight struck...and the other funny thing is lenny and steve were the last ones to go. We watched this movie called "haggard", it was so funny. well, when they all left, jesse and i watched the labrinth, one of my favorite movies ever. We layed there and that was nice, but then after awhile he got riled up, and started touching me, and kissing me. That was all good, then he undid my pants and yah. He hasnt been able to touch me for awhile because that whole big mess and then that monthly thing:) But anyway, it was kinda strange, and i didnt really want to mess around then, i sorta just wanted to lay there with him. After awhile, he kept moving me, and it was really strange because it was like he really wanted me to give him oral in my god damn living room even though my brother may still be up downstairs. That was fucking crap. And i hate that he wants me to do that all the time when im with him...i dont really like doing it. not every time! ACually i havent felt really comfortable doing that to anyone since i did it to matt the first time...its like that was me nad matts thing even thought that sounds demented. Whatever!
Well, then we layed there, and he said, "im not going to stay tonight"...that is crap! I mean, last week he said he would, and then he even said that he might early that night...so why the fuck would he go home?? Gawd! Its so fucking stupid, i was dissappointed majorly...he always tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful and stuff i am...but arent guys that love you supposed to do a bunch of stuff for you, and stay when you want them too...and part of me thinks that he was pissed because i wouldnt give him oral. I hate that!

then before he left around 2:40...before he went out the door i told him to call me when he got home, so i could make sure he got home safe without crashing cause he was tired...he said, "if you insist"...like i wasnt supposed to worry about him, and shit. I dont care anymore...im not surprised this is happening. I mean its gunna mark two months on tuesday! And i dont think i can hold a relationship...because i dont trust myself in anyway! And my mind likes to screw things up, even when they arent like i think they are! Okay, whatever...im gunna go to bed, by myself now...you know since jesse left and went home...and i got a work meeting in the morning...Laterz

get outta my house
most people love having company over...you know, hanging out with their friends and crap...but me, no...what is wrong with me? i feel like i dont fit in anywhere anymore, everyone always has this certain vibe anymore...maybe its just me..
Here, im going to first tell you about last weeks party, and then i will tell yah about this week. I made them two differant parties because i didnt want to mix the people and because if i invited them all at once, that is alot of people.

Okay, here is who came last week...it was jesse, butterball (nick), jesse c., kevin, evan, jayme came at 9:30, and alicia, her new josh, and some kid named ghost showed up around 10:30. Well, anyway...the whole time i dont know how to entertain people, so we sat around talking and goofing off, and then watched "texas chainsaw massacre". Everything was going fine...as fine as it can go with my friends...and then towards the end, when we was all watching the movie, jesse c. left, and kevin left twice to take evan, and then butterball home. So by the very end of the night or should i say early morning, it was jesse, me, jayme, kevin, alicia, new josh, and ghost. Then new josh and ghost left, so it ended up being jayme, alicia, kevin, jesse, and i. Me and jesse were laying on the couch, and alicia was in the chair, and then jayme was on the other couch with kevin, which was a bunch of bullshit.
Oh, and my friends are so backstabbing it aint even funny, okay...jayme and joe broke up awhile back, well alot has happened...joey has a new girlfriend, lia...and well kevin said he was going to give her a ride home tonight...so he had to go around midnight to do that, and then recently jayme has put a restraining order on joey, so if either of them violates it, its crap...well jayme wanted to go with kevin so she could talk to joeys new girlfriend, which is crap...she shouldnt do that, and why would she? So she can screw things up??
Well, by around 2 am...jayme and kevin were being immature and sorta kinda flirting, which was crap too...i thought kevin hated her...and now he is flirting with her, and its crap that she was getting her ego boasted all damn night. thinking she is all hot stuff...NOT! Well, i was getting pretty fed up with it all, and was ready for them to get out so i could spend time with jesse. I kept hinting at the fact to get outta my house, without being mean. And finally around 2:45 i sorta kicked them out saying they should probably go. I dont fucking care, i just wanted them out, and when they finally did leave, i was really into spending time with jesse, and even wanted him to stay the night and just tell my mom it was too late to drive home and that he was kinda tired. Unfortunatly with my luck, he wasnt into that and didnt stay...he said that he would maybe stay the next week. So yah!

im tired of smiling for you~~~CONTINUED
okay, im back from school. Like i was saying...her being his friend drives me crazy because i know that he used to have a crush on her for like a year! This is a strange feeling because ive never had it before...i think its jelousy... that is what it sounds like...i dont mean to be, and i hate gurls that are, cause they act so stupid. Im going to keep it to myself! But, he said he was gunna hang out with her during the day on friday...all day, until my party.
He said he didnt like her anymore, but i know that it isnt that easy...you dont just get over someone like that! its more complicated, i had that sort of thing with matt. And we all know how that turned out, but as much as i refuse to believe that i still like him, and that i dont hate him...i will admit to this entry and my other entries that i do, i probably always will because like i said so many times, he was my first love.
I try so hard not to talk about my guy friends because i dont want to be one of those girls who tries to make their boyfriend jealous, even though i know jesse probably wouldnt get jealous...
Its not that i dont trust him, and that i dont like jackie...i dont know what it is.

If i were him, i would think that he would have more to worry about with me because of how i am. I mean kevin is my best friend...and i hang out and talk to him all the time, and ive slept with him before! Of course jesse doesnt know that, but...you know.
But acually i think ive done a pretty good job about being faithful to jesse, i havent been used to that in awhile, especially since i havent had a longer relationship like this one in awhile...on tuesday, 13 it will mark our two month anniversery:) It seems like its been longer. Well, i better get ready for work now, thanks for listening to me babble again.

Im tired of smiling for you
"yah, i'll be there...more then likely" lennys exact words...they spell out bullshit. I closed last night at work, with josh, liz, and the stupid new girl. But anyway, josh and i were talking and he told me what lenny said. Lenny claims he isnt going to my party tomorrow (friday) because jesse will be there...and he doesnt like jesse (which i dont know why?)...so instead he is going to get steve to go to a movie with him. And ashley is in sidestand...so yah! I HATE THEM ALL! lenny is so stupid...just like josh was dissing him in the email i put on here. I think i want to diss him more. He goes around bragging about himself cause he is so self centered...when really he isnt that great. And his tool isnt as great as he claims...lol!
There should be no reason why he doesnt like jesse...and i dont care what they think. Im with jesse and i love him, and he is great! They dont know. I dont disclude them or myself from things because of who im dating so why are they??
They arent my friends anymore...especially lenny, he said we broke up because he didnt want the friendship to get ruined...well he has done a pretty good job at that. Its ruined...and even if we hadnt broken up when we did, we would have eventually because he is so damn annoying...and i dont think i really ever liked him that much to be dating anyway.

Well, work was boring...and that dumb girl is so annoying!! Its her second day...and she is bossing people around like she has been there forever. I really hate her!!!! And she is a smartass...and not the good/funny kind...the BAD kind of smartass that you just wanna punch in the face!

Anyway, after work...i called jesse! Our conversation was interesting. At first i was so happy to talk to him, then it got kinda weird, and i could feel it. He was signing online...right? Well, i guess something was going on with his parents...they were fighting or something. I could hear his mom in the background...yelling. And i knew he was talking to jackie online...that was driving me insane...mostly when he told me that her car broke down in the turning lane by the theatre...that was sad, i wouldnt want that to happen to me. But i was upset too, because he drove all the way from his house...even though he probably didnt have to...i know she is his friend but it drives me crazy...hey i gotta go to school now, i will write later:)

Masochist
yah, your the one with the broken heart-the chronically broken heart. You're drawn to people and situations that use and abuse you. You know why? because you like it. Admit it, you probably had a tramatic experience that made you this way, but for some its your inborn nature.
Ironically, you are a deeply sensitive and loving person despite the people you are attracted to. You have the mind of an aesthate and see beauty in pain and in unlikely places.
But take care, you dont push the boundries of your self abusing nature to far or you'll end up in a place you cant come back from.

more my friend then his
this whole shit has become a mess between you two and it is time that I talk.

Lenny- we have been friends for almost four and a half years. I think I may know you well enough or at least I thought I did until. Until you made a error and decided to dump ashley because you were afraid it was going to ruin your friendship. I can't hate a man for thinking that but the more I think the more I hate.
Ever since she showed the slightest interest in Jesse you all the sudden thought you were the cream of the crop. You said that she was going downhill from you.. Boy that rings a giant bell.. I believe you said the same exact thing about stew when traci showed that she was interested in him and dated him. Now I dont know what in the hell has happend with you since u dumped ashley but since then you have become nothing but an asshole. you treat this girl that showed you interest and maybe even cared for you like shit. you claim that you dumped her so that u could stay good friends.. well it looks like you dumped her to make her life hell just because she likes someone else. you tried giving stew hell when he liked traci. u pulled the same shit on stew and didn't give a rats ass about what you did.. they did something to you therefore you have the right to rebel back. stew "took traci from you" so u felt that was wrong and then you were an ass to stew and went around talking shit and u almost got other people pumbled by stew because of your mouth. i almost lost my friendship with stew because of your punk ass.. did you care.. hell no.. now the tides have turned and guess what.. another x girlfriend has moved onto someone else.. is lenny mad.. yes.. you cut jesse down like he is nothing and think that you are better than him, more than likely.. anyone.. here is a what if.. what if all the sudden ashley fell out of place with jesse and all the sudden like.. me.. what are you going to do.. cut me down and say that you're better than me???? more than likely.. yes..

I don't care if you claim she bashes traci.. only you two know.. but i do think this.. you take offense to anything that anyone says about traci... you love that girl.. it's obvious.. do the right thing with her and either go back out with her or all together drop your feelings for her.. it's pathetic that you use her as a defense mechanism.. but you are very rude and immpolite to ashley. u claim that you did what you did so that u could stay good friends... then how come it seems like u guys are more like enemies than friends? you only know jesse from what you formulated from you.. which was that he hung out with ryan's group therefore he is a slacker and that you're better than all of them.. what in the hell is wrong with you? you have someone that is willing to forgive you for what you did and be your friend but in return you treat her like garbage because of who she is dating. u did this with traci when she liked stew and now your doing this with ashley because she is with jesse.. unlike with the traci mess.. ashley isnt going to come crawling back to you.. she is too mature for her age and at her age she knows what she wants and wants what makes her truly happy.. and that's jesse.

traci came crawling back to you simply because nobody was there and no matter what you guys say.. you two love each other and are meant for each other. i am not joking lenny. whenever she fucks up.. you're there.. whenever you fuck up.. she's there ready and willing to take you back. nobody gives a fuck about age differences cuz things have changed over the past four years to the point where society doesnt care. so why don't you accept the fact that ashley wants to be your friend and let it be. remember you were the one that caused pretty much all of this.. if you care and want her as a friend then your going to do the right thing.. accept her dating jesse.. accept her being happy.. or your going to continue to do the wrong thing and you will end up losing a great friend and creating an enemy that you don't need.

now ashley i can sense that this has confused the hell out of you.. how can one man say he wants to break up with you cuz it will ruin the friendship and basically turn around and ruin things. u can tell he disapproves of jesse and he claims u bash traci.. if you do that is wrong. that is a senstitve subject with him because he loves her and is ashamed of admitting it. he thinks that we all will disapprove of her. therefore he just holds the feelings in and treats everyone like shit if they go there. u have noticed that he was this way when traci went to stew..

that aspect is cuz i think he wants u ladies to never get over him.. he parades himself around like he is this macho human being with a "huge dick" nobody honestly cares about a penis size.. it is how you treat the person that matters the most. sex is a perk when it comes to dating and it should be gradually incorporated into a relationship.. not forced in like lenny does simply because i think he thinks about that all the time.. and might feel like it is a necessity.. but that is the way he taught himself and he will make sure that you know that he taught himself to be how he is.. an ass..

i cant sit here and chose sides but if i had to it would be ashley's simply because u have treated her like hell since she started to date jesse. but im not pickin sides cuz u both r my friend and i think it is a damn shame to see anyone treat anyone to the magnitude that lenny is treating ashley..

well what about how josh treats lenny.. i am pretty harsh on lenny and i will admit that. but my being a prick to him doesnt stop him from wanting to be my friend which i find odd.. but as of late i have been good to lenny on some days and harsh on the others.. but not once i have ever said the things he does to ashley.. yeah.. i will admit that i didnt like traci because of that one instance in mini golf.. big deal i got over it and realize she made lenny happy.. anything i said about her was in pure joking matter and what is sad is that you would joke back also lenny. when i got out of line i apologized and admited my mistake and showed that i was human. you took everything serious with that girl and it never made sense to me until i figured that maybe u loved her.. as far as with ashley.. my real opinion is this.. you hate jesse therefore.. you hate ashley.. why you hate jesse i will never know.. but your no prize in the dating world.. hell nobody is..

im sick of this shit and i think it is time for somebody to stop being a prick and start treating people with respect.. oh wait.. that prick doesnt respect you until you respect them.. well here is an interesting tid bit...

LENNY.. I LOST ALL OF MY RESPECT FOR YOU BECAUSE OF HOW YOU HAVE BEEN TO ASHLEY. YOU'RE A SELF CENTERED PRICK..

This matter is over.. Ashley.. do the right thing

Excite my Senses
I love being with him, he is so great. I dont know why i get so scared sometimes, thinking that we wont be together...he constatly reminds me of how much he loves me and cares for me. Sometimes im afraid that i dont love him as much as he loves me. Sometimes im not scared of him leaving, im afraid of things changing inside of me and i dont want to feel differant from the way i feel now. He makes me so happy!
Tonight i went over to his house, and we went outside because it was so nice out. We walked around the barn, and looked for his cats kittens in the hay loft...but no luck finding them...maybe they arent old enough yet to be found?? Well, after awhile we went and layed on his trampolin. It was so nice laying there with him, the sunshine surrounding us, and the wind blowing on our skin. I feel so great when he has his arms around me...sometimes i feel like its just me and him in the whole world and no one else matters. I just want to lock in the moment forever, but yah! Anyway...i havent felt like this since i was with matt, and now that i look back on that whole thing...well...i mean i will always love him! Because he was my first love. I used to think that if i had my choice to be with him or not...i would always choose to be with him. But now, i think i would have to say no. As much as i might still love him, i dont want to be with him. If i were with him, i wouldnt be with jesse...and i wouldnt want that at all. Plus he was irresponsible and as much as i wanted the whole thing between him and i to be real, i dont think it was. I see it as me being someone he could create with. I was a figure in his imagionary world to get away from everything else...i see it as the stuff he told me was purely the stuff that he wished was real, and how he wished he was...and how he wished things would be...so you see, even if i wanted it to be real, it cant be...because it was all self deception. I dont know what im talking about anymore...ttyl