These are some various quotes that i have picked up over time. I add more every once in a while. While your here be sure to sign my guestbook!
Since i am bored i shall put the inscription to the gates of Hell here:
"I AM THE WAY INTO THE CITY OF WOE.
I AM THE WAY TO A FORSAKEN PEOPLE.
I AM THE WAY INTO ETERNAL SORROW.
SACRED JUSTICE MOVED MY ARCHITECT.
I WAS RASIED HERE BY DIVINE OMNIPOTENCE,
PRIMORDIAL LOVE AND ULTIMATE INTELLECT.
ONLY THOSE ELEMENTS TIME CANNOT WEAR
WERE MADE BEFORE ME, AND BEYOND TIME I STAND.
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE."
God created pot. Man created alcohol. Who do you trust?
Sometimes the hardest person to recognize is yourself.
Watch where you are going, not where you've been.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!
I have learned that the more fun you have while you are young the less time you spend in your old age looking like a fool trying to do the things you did not do when you were young.
Treat a man as he IS, and he will remain as he IS. Treat him as he SHOULD be, and he will become what he COULD be.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?
If someone calls to sell you something, mess with them and try to sell them something.
If you don't still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, you need to join Weight Watchers.
Never play Russian Roulette with 6 bullets.
Self-appraisal is no recommendation.
Never let a monkey do your homework.
The idea of war isn't to die for your country, It's to make the bastard on the other side die for his.
Constipated people don't give a shit!
Nobody is a total waste, they can always serve as a bad example.
Reality is a crutch for those that can't handle drugs.
Give a guy a joint, he'll be high for a couple hours. Teach him how to grow, and he'll be high for a lifetime.
It is a dog eat dog world and I am wearing Milk Bone underwear.
Be wary of advice that starts with "be wary of".
Your mom will find out if you die your hair purple.
Don't drink coffee while driving and wearing a white shirt!
A milk carton is not a very good pet!
Don't try and pirce your belly button in the dark!
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.
In life sometimes you are the windshield, and sometimes you are the bug.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Don't fry bacon in the nude.
Always remember that 'stressed' spelled backwards equals 'desserts'.
No one is a complete idiot, some of the parts could be missing.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never escape it alive anyway.
Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream.
Life is too important to take seriously.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
You can kiss a fool, you can let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.
Fail once, try again. Fail twice, try again. Fail three times, try going out for pizza.
Sometimes I want to kill everything in sight, then I realize I'm blind.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
What if the hokey pokey is really what its all about?
I would rather owe you one, then cheat you out of it.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else.
The best place for any stoner is the floor. Unless you get too high, you can't fall off the floor.
Keep your head up! Otherwise you might run into something!
Never buy sushi from a vending machine.
I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
Follow the pregnant frog, and you will always be successful.
When someone tells you to check your fly, they're probably not talking about a bug.
The penguin knows all. The giraffe knows all. the human knows nothing.
Lightning will never strike you twice unless you have a metal plate in your head.
If you really have to ruin someone's life, let it be the mailman. Most of them are disgruntled anyway.
Go to school high, take the test high, get high grades!
Birds fly away when they are frightened, I fly away when I get high.
If you're going through Hell, keep going.
Theoretically, when people see money laying on the counter in a gas station, and there is no one around, they think they're being watched. That's honesty through paranoia.
There's no sense being stupid if you don't show it.
There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Sure, I may be stupid and ugly, but at least I don't have any money.
Never knock on death's door....ring the doorbell and run, he HATES that.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...
Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
A beauty parlor is a place where women curl up and dye.
Why is it called LIPSTICK if you can still move your lips?
Coffee, chocolate, men, some things are just better rich.
If you want to test someone's patience have them eat rice with a plastic knife.
When in doubt, mumble.
Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it.
It ain't pretty being easy.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?
I only care about one thing...M-E My Enjoyment
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I only smile because i have no idea what the hell you're talking about.
No matter how much jello you put into a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Cats get very dizzy when you put them in the dryer.
I'm Multi-Talented, I can talk to you and piss you off at the same time.
I'm afraid of one thing in life, success, for I know if I live up to my full potential it would really cut into my laying around time.
If you are in hell, where do you tell them to go?
I talk to myself when I'm in there, I never answer though
It's only funny until someone gets hurt...then it's hilarious!
If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.
4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?
You only want to shoot the things you see when you don't have a gun.
If you are over 50, don't pass up a bathroom.
Don't point a finger at someone, because there are three pointing back at you.
If old age is like a party then I don't want to accept the invitation!
Live each day as if it were your last, because some day it will be!
Some look at the glass and see it as half full, some look at the glass and see it as half empty. I say, drink what's left and ask the bartender for more.
Never fall for a girl who has more toes than teeth.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic!
Live life on the edge, it takes up less space.
If you never talked to a stranger, you would have no friends.
Never argue with a fool; he may be doing the same thing.
If practice makes perfect, be careful what you practice.
If both of us always agree, then one of us is unnecessary.
Don't take a bath and make toast at the same time.
It's O.K. to get stoned and it's O.K. to watch "Harry Potter" but don't watch "Harry Potter" while stoned.
If it seems you're always in the dark, try paying your electric bill.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. Its not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat.
As you slide along the bannister of life, may all the splinters point downwards.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, the light at the end of the tunnel is burnt out.
Ever wonder why Santa's so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It's hard to cultivate a garden of friendship when someone keeps throwing in rocks.
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey.
In the pinball game of life, my flippers are further apart than most.
Fishes don't dance and they don't make money. But when they talk, they make bubbles.
Don't fall asleep drunk behind the wheel in front of the police station with no pants.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
You can tell exactly what God thinks of money by taking a look at who he gives it to.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a new Ferarri to drive around and look for it in.
You can't buy happiness, but you can lease it for a very long time.
If you get a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny come from?
Before you judge someone always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do judge them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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A mind is a terrible thing.
When you shoot a mime, do you need to silience it?
In life, everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.
If diet starts with Die, why do people still go on them?
Always drink upstream from the heard.
Abandoning my search for truth, i am now looking for a good fantasy.
If your feet smell, your nose is probably running
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Time is the fire we all burn in.
Why is it if you're poor & mentally unstable you're a nutcase, but if you're rich & mentally unstable you're an eccentric?
If your soul is inside and your body is outside, Where are you?
No brains means no headache.
You are special and unique, just like everyone else!
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 trillion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Think about the word "politics" -- "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures." Describes the word pretty good, eh?
There are only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who cannot.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Not everything that can be counted counts; and not everything that counts can be counted.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
You know the great thing about tv? If something important happens anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, you can always change the channel
The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.
Procrastination is a thief of time, and it causes sorrow, but I can do it any time, I think I'll start tomorrow.
If birds had radios in their rear ends, there would be music in the air!
If you can't roll with the big dogs, stay on the porch with the puppies.
A friend is someone who will bail you outta jail. A best friend is the person sitting next to you in jail, sayin "Damn, that was cool!"
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Do your best with what life gives you. If that doesn't work, take some from somebody else.
The solution to a problem is at the bottom of the bottle. If it's not there, it must be in another one!
Things you own, end up owning you.
It is only after you've lost anything that you're free to do anything.
Insanity is a minority of one
If Ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
I hate liars. No wait, I lied. I hate thieves instead.
A Legend is only fiction. Someone tells it, someone else remembers it, everyone passes it on.
Don't hate the bad things in life. It's the bad things that make the good things seem better.
Sometimes, what makes people soo much the same, is what sets them so far apart.
Never argue with idiots, they just bring you down to their level, and then they beat you with experience.
Never expect anything, and you will never be disapointed.
If there is no light at the end of the tunnel go up and light it yourself.
If cows could fly, windshields would be much, much thicker.
I'm manic-depressive, I have extreme highs and extreme lows, I'm extremely low when I'm not high.
Treat me like an angel, and I'll take you to heaven, on the other hand, Treat me like a devil, and I'll show you the fire, either way you'll have a great time.
Sometimes you are the dog, sometimes you are the hydrant.
Money is something we make just in case we don't die.
Whether or not the toast falls jelly side up is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your friends love you anyway.
Age is only mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
I only listen to the voices in my head. And you know what? The voices in my head listen to their voices, their voices hear voices, their voice's voices hear vioces, AND their voice's voice's voices hear voices. Right now they're telling me how crowded it is in there. *Points to head*
If a vacuum cleaner is working, does that mean it sucks?
Putting Skittles in your pocket in July and tying your shoelaces while you're drunk have one thing in common: either way, the next day, you're in a sticky situation.
Don't criticize what you don't, or can't, understand.
If you smoke, chances are your kangaroo will too.
My life needs a rewind/erase button. And some background music couldn't hurt.
Cling to your imperfections, they're what make you unique.
Either lead, follow, or get out of the way.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
Don't ever look down on someone unless you are helping them up.
Yesterday I was watching you, today I'm stalking you, tomorrow I'll be killing you.
Only users lose drugs.
Stupidity is a friend you were never smart enough to figure out you had.
If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the other day, annoy them, and play with them whenever they are busy.
The truth is used by those who lack imagination.
Procrastinators dont wait for the last minute to get the job done, they just do the job EXACTLY on time!
You can't soar with the eagles in the morning if you hoot with the owls all night... but who wants to be sore in the morning?
Don't try to tip the cows that have horns!
Don't do stupid things stupidly.
I don't hate my life, i just hate the way i live it.
Sometimes when the going seems to be all uphill, think of the view from the top.
If you are what you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.
We are all just humans being.
Never remove a fly from a foe's head with a battle ax!
When times get rough, grab ahold of that weird little thing called life and let it do its little healy thing.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a hell of a lot easier than putting it back in.
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
Lick the lollipop of meteocrity once and you suck forever
Vandalism is as beautiful as a rock in a cop's face.
Never pet a burning dog.
No matter how hard you try, you can't make a race horse out of a jack-ass.
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
There may be other fish in the sea, but I'm too damn lazy to fish!
If not for day night would be longer.
Don't hit a man while he's down, it's easier to kick him.
Those that live by the sword get shot by those that don't!
Do what makes YOU happy, it's the only way to get through life.
It's okay not to be #1, it's always the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to succed in life is to simply "smile and nod" through everything!
If you're not feeling stupid, you'll probably find you're not doing it right!
Have you ever noticed that the skinnier you are, the less people give you hugs? They must be scared you'l snap!
Life is one big Rolo...do you love anyone enough to share yours?
Losing sucks twice as much as winning doesn't.
It's not really paranoia if they actually ARE after you.
Just when you think life's a bitch, it has puppies.
Life wouldn't be a bitch if it didn't constantly screw everyone.
Live for life 'cause if you don't, you die.
Always look forward to yesterday, but never look back on tomorrow.
Don't try to bend the spoon, because there is no spoon. Are we high or what?
If all isn't lost, where is it?
Headaches are all in your mind.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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