N~A blog
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: "Blew" Nirvana
Topic: 1st entry

At the moment it's hard to find the words to descibe the emotions that I'm feeling...It's overwhelming and a bit out of control. One thing I want to be here is honest, otherwise what's the point???

So, actually, yesterday I found NA and glad - it's a hard first step to make

1. to realise that you have a probelm

2. to admit it to yourself.

Because I gave up with what appeared no probelms , the fact that I am craving it now proves to me that I am and was an Addict. Just because it's being a while since I've used doesn't make it any easeir. I haven't used for a while {marijuana (pot, mull, hash) 3yrs 11mths; speed (goey) and cocaine (coke) 3yrs, 56days}

At the moment I'm finding it really hard staying - clean, this is a hard time of year for me. I haven't attended face-to-face meetings as such, but I have attended my first online meeting today and yesterday went to the website and chatroom to find out if I needed to be there...it's weird though, I have never admitted that I am a recovering addict before.

My drugs of choice were marijuana, speed and cocaine...I have tried LSD and estasy. I preferred drugs to alcohol, I hated/still hate the way alcohol smells.

Today, has being the first time I admitted to my partner that I am an Addict. He was incrediabely supportive and encouraging me to explore this further. The thing that worries us, about me going to these meetings, is that going to face-to-face N.A meetings and encountering dealers afterwards and them offering "free samples" to get you hooked again. Creating this blog is helping me deal with the harder stuff, emotional withdrawl, and facing emotions that have long being supressed because of drugs. It was - for me - the hard part of not using, dealing with emotions that you use to escape from by using. I have had to come to terms with some pretty heavy stuff in the nearly 4 years of being clean. Through it all my Partner has being by my side helping me to piece together fragments of my shattered, fractured life.

TTC blog
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Aerosmith's ~ I don't wanna miss a thing
Topic: Day 19 - 1st Clomid Cycle

Well I am beginning to start to feel that this dream we have of having another child will happen. This will be my second child and my parnters first...he is really looking forward to having kids of his own, even though he treats my son like 'our' son. I do refer to him as our son now.

On the 5th January 2007 I have a scan with the FS/Gyno to see how many follicles have developed...I am hoping there is at least one good one!! All I need is one, any more than that is a bonus. Twins would be really nice, if I was lucky enough to conceive them both Shaun and I would really love twins.