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may 6, 2001

I think i'm serously depressed today, its that listless, i'm so bored i'd shoot myself feeling. well, probably not shoot myself, but maybe slit my wrists...sigh and of course i'm thinking about chris again. but i'm always thinking about chris, and i don't think its a very good thing. He tends to make me rather melancholly unless he s actually around to make me smile. and he can do that better than anyone else, most days i'm around him, my mouth hurts so much for constantly smiling, maybe thats why i put up with him. although i'm not even sure its worth that, because being around, well, he's like a drug, or even closer, alchohal. when i'm with him, i'm 'drunk' and i'm eternally happy, i feel wonderful. But then the after effect f him leaving, its like becoming sober again. The down is lower than the high was high. But i don't think i could stop being around him, even if i wanted to now. i know i should, it'd be the best thing for my mental sanity, but its not happening. i'm addicted to him, i'm a chris-oholic. now thats sad, and disturbing, i just admitted to being adicted to another person, talk about co dependant relationships, which i swre i wouldn't get involved in, but here i am...stupid oathes getting broken. i hate being for-sworn. maybe i should bus down to smittiy's again today, surprise him at work nce more, but no, i think i seriously scared him yesturday, except that chris isn't very scarable, but i did shock him, it was quite the facial expression i got. and come school monday i will be bitched at for it, he has worned me multiple times not to show up at his work...heeheehee.

But besides chris, whats going on in my life, what else could be causing this horrible fit of depression that i've had lately? my friends, its possible, but i don't think so, unless ange has had an effect on me. but seeing her with terry hurts quite a bit, he deserves so much better than her. but they seem happy, so i wish them luck, maybe she'll stop flirting with every other guy she sees. but that wouldn't have this much of an effect on me, i mean i don't even know terry that well. But its not june, i'm rather happy with her right now, and same with the rst of my friends, so what could it be. family i suppose.

Read more of my diary entries here