My Online Journal
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This journal was created to help other people understand what goes through my head and what
my feelings are on certain things. It was not intended to be offensive and should not be
percieved as offensive. It was simply put up for enjoyment and some of the more fundimental
means of figguring out how I am feeling or what I am feeling or even what I am thinking.
I HAVE EVERY REGRET ABOUT PUTTING THIS ON THE WEB!!
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THERE ARE ERRORS IN SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION, I HOPE
TO GET THESE CORRECTED SOON SO THEY EXIST NO MORE
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Friday October 3rd, 2003
10:04 AM I don't know how much more of this relationship thing I can take. One minute we're cuddling, the next she is asking me about how I would feel if she started going out with someone else. It's been three weeks of it and I don't know how much more I can take it. At this point, if she were to end the relationship I wouln't be hurt at all. The only reason that is true is because I guess I already went through the emotional part of the breakup before it even happened. Another is because it sure as hell doesn't feel like we are even going out right now. It's like every emotion I feel towards her is nothing to her. Like it doesn't even exist. Before the uncertainty created in september, she used to show me that she loves me. Right now I am not getting anything in return that shows me that she still loves me. This is why I said that it feels as if the relationship was non-existant. I have been putting in so much effort to help her try to figgure this out, but nothing I am doing is doing anything. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I have done, seems to mean nothing at this point. I have hinted at spending more time together and maybe she will start to show me that she loves me. DOes this idea work. NOPE! The bond between us has been broken and she just keeps beating the dead feeling trying to make it come back to life. She denies the fact of the connection being dead.
For the record, I don't care if she goes out with Pete. She can have Pete at this point because he seems to be making her a lot happier than I am. So far everything I have planned for her to leave me for Pete is working. At this point she should take him. I don't really seem to matter to her anyways. I have already been hurt, so at this point nothing matters. The only thing that prevents her from ending it right now is her own fear of hurting me. She already has, so the fact of leaving is the next step. She just doesn't want me to drift so she says things to keep me there. If our relationship has died, let it go. I can't take this anymore, so I am pushing her aside.
I am screaming inside because no one can hear me. Well, I shouldn't say no one, because Jess can hear it she just will never hear it until she can prove to me that she still loves me. I have provided her with so many opportunities to show her love to me, but she shows none. All I want is a simple action from her to show me that she still loves me with all her heart. No graditude is given. It drives me insane.
One weekend she got $5 from her great-grandmas man-friend for cleaning the house. I hinted to her that I cherished the rose dearly that she gave me. I even stared at the roses at walmart when we went to pick up a perscription for her great-gma.
Maybe what I am looking for will never happen. Maybe what I am asking for is too much to ask. Maybe I am an ass and am just trying to control her. Maybe all I need is to take some time away from everyone. Maybe I am just stupid for thinking the things I do. I am begining to think that maybe I am just messed up for thinking the things I am thinking right now.
I begin to shun myself for the actions not taken. How much I depended on her too much. The graditude I never showed her for staying with me and putting up with the things she had for me. God I know how to screw up a good thing for myself. I am the only reason this relationship ended. I screwed myself up the ass on this one. I guess I am left with this thought for now because I need to get ready for my haircut. God damn am I incompotent!
Wednesday October 8th, 2003
8:45 AM Took in my car this morning to Graftons Mobil. They are going to replace the leaking oil seal around my driveshaft. Whopee, there goes more money into that car.
Things have still been shakey between me and Jess. It's like ever so slowly we are building the relationship back up. I feel as if I were the one who is screwing the relationsho up right now. Jess told me I am not. I trust her judgement on this. I am constantly paranoid that she is going to drift away, but I know she won't. SO I guess in my own twisted way I am afraid I am going to drift. I tend to do that. So far I have had a good success rate at fighting my fears. I am conquering them and it is because Jess is helping me. I apreciate her support.
One thing I am questionable about though is Jess' ability to find herself and what she wants in life. I can't say that I have any better idea than she does. Her constant state of confusion is what puzzles me. I want her to figure out this conflict, but the last thing I want to do is force a solution out of her. I am worried that as I am typing this she is trying to think about it and going no where with her thoughts. In essence, just running around in circles. I can't bear to see her in this state of confusion. I want to help her figgure this out, but it's nothing I can help with. All I can do is stand by her side and catch her if she starts to fall. So far I think I have been doing alright at this. I dunno, I could be wrong though.
I love Jess dearly, but I want the things that are best for her and what make her happy. She says I am making her happy right now, but in her constant state of confusion, I begin to doubt it. Then I begin to think about the things that she as been thinking of and anticipate the next fall. God I hope that doesn't happen this weekend. I want to keep her from falling, but I fear as if I am making a bad decision in doing so. By never letting her fall, she can't make her own mistakes and learn from them. I am doing what my parents constantly do to me. I fear as if I were sheltering her life so much that she can't even see what the real world is like.
I'm gonna have to cut this entry right here because I need to go sweep up the leaves in the back yard with the lawn tractor. I'll finish my thoughts when I am done with that.
Thursday October 9th, 2003
7:54 AM Well right now I am typing this from Shannons house. I am over here because I was taken to work today and they sent me home. I didn't have any of my work stuff with me because it is all in my car. My car is in the shop (as I esplained yesturday). I am sitting here by myself right now wearing one of the skirts that I bought Jess. Supprisingly, it is really comfortable. I feel really weird for saying this, but I like wearing it. They are just simply one legged pants. Wearing the skirt makes me wish I had breasticles. Now that would be awesome! I'd play with my breasticles for a while, but then I would probably get bored of them. I would like having them though.
My kitties are funny. Moe is trying to count change and sqeeks like what can I conquer. Moe is sitting in front of the monitor right now so it is kinda hard to type. She is one of the most inquisitive cats I know. I love her like I love Jess. Although Jess is better cuz she can luv me back and she is prettier than the kitties. As for the kisses and the lovemaking, I think thats best left for Jess. Cats are insufficient. Plus they are tiny, and that would be kinda nasty.
Paul (Shannons brother) came downstairs confused. I think he might have been confused about where everyone was, or even why I was here. I dunno.
I am weird
FINAL NOTE: The things in my journal reflect how I am accually feeling. The thoughts that go through
my head are what I put. I don't want to change anyones views or opinions of me because of the things
that I put in here. The opinions expressed in this journal were in no way meant to harm the feelings
of another person. If they are please contact me at ChrisKaspr@hotmail.com and I will take the things
out of the page. My journal is nothing else than a place to express my feelings so they do not become
bottled up inside and cause me to pop at an undesireable time.
