"i know in darkness...i will find you...giving up inside like me"

i wanted to apologize to those of you who used this site as a way of knowing what goes on with me. but i've reached a point in my life, where i feel the need to keep myself hidden away from the eyes of those that really have no right in looking. so, as a result of that, i've decided to take my site down for a time that is not yet determined. it could be a few weeks, a few months.. or maybe forever. its still unclear..
until then, my journal is still up @ http://www.livejournal.com/users/acidmuse
i'm not too sure. all i know, is that things change. people change. and right now, the things/people/interests that were important to me in my life, are all changing as the days go by. i find it hard to even spend much time in public, shopping and browsing around stores. the smell, sight, and sounds of people irritate me to the core, and honestly make me sick to my stomach. its a feeling that i've been dealing with for a long time now, and it just seems to get worse as the sun sets and rises everyday. there are those of you, who i truly do LOVE with ALL my HEART. and you know who you are, because no matter what, i STILL feel the NEED to keep in touch.....even if it is once and a while. the point is that i still try, and i DO care. for those that do matter, i say this:

Mom -> thank you for being there for me as best as you can be. i know i'm not easy to live and deal with, and i sure as hell haven't been the best person to be around. but i do thank you, and appreciate everything that you have done for me. i know that we've been through so much, and suffered so much heartache and pain in the past, and even if i'm not the happiest person in the world, i am still grateful for all that you have provided and tried to give me. i love you with all my heart, and that will never change --- no matter what.

Steven -> i'm so glad to be able to call myself your sister. life with you as my brother has been extraordinary. both glorious and traumatizing at the same time. we've laughed and cried together. joked and played around, as well as beat the living shit out of one another when we were mad. you give me so much in my life, and i'm grateful and lucky to have you as a part of it. 19 years and counting, plus those evil 9 months in the womb together...all i can do is wish and hope that we have many more years to add to the life that we share with each other.

Tyra -> i love you. you may be my cousin, but to ME you have been so much more. a best friend. a sister. a WONDERFUL human being, and i thank you so much. there are very few people in the world that have raw and natural beauty...and YOU possess it. without a shadow of a doubt. you make me smile, when no one can seem to do the trick. you warm my hert when i hear your voice, and see you smile. you've always been there for me, to lend a non-judgemental ear for my problems- and i've always appreciated it. even when i haven't taken the opportunity to use it.

Greg -> its been almost 7 years since i first met you through our dear becca. but that meeting wasn't just a chance meeting, because you greg, have become a special person in my life. you befriended my brother, which sealed your friendship...but you've also discovered the infectious beauty that tyra possesses, and taken her as your girlfriend...so that makes you a part of my family. you've become like a brother to me, which is a relationship that i cherish deeply.

Matt -> MATT-CHEW. i know i've probably never told you this, but i love you so much. you've been so good to me these last 4 years that we've been friends and i can NOT thank you enough for the strength and encouragement that you give when you are around. i'm glad that we met in the 10th grade, and that you decided to open your big mouth in theatre during our 12th grade year....if it wasn't for that rude comment that you made, and pissing me off in the process...we would not have the friendship that we have now. you are the only person, that i have pissed off, and vice versa, but managed to NOT hate forever. THAT to me, is an accomplishment in itself.

Frank -> its so hard for me to know where to start with you. you are truly a unique soul in my life. being that you are so far away...and with as little as i really know about YOU, i still can't help feel strangely attatched to you. until i met you, there was a part of my life that was missing, but you filled that hole. just by being there...
its really out of the ordinary for me, to feel for someone the way that i feel for you. i don't care how much you may argue or deny it..but YOU are truly magnificent and beautiful. i wish i could be there for you more, but i can't. and i hate it. you've helped me get through a lot..as well as allowed me to whine and talk about whatever may be bothering me at the moment. thank you so much for that. there aren't words in this world, that can fully express how much you HONESTLY mean to me

I love you all

there was a time, that smiles were always gracing my lips-
but you appeared, and raped me of my innocent bliss-
your halo is rusting, and when it breaks and falls-
I will be there to kick you when you can't defend yourself from me
In some sick twisted way
Love is suffering
Suffering is love
Your misery is beautiful