--9.26.2003...5.23pm--
...:::Update:::...
Well, things have gotten better with Bryan. We are no longer at eachother's throats. Thank god. Its the Jewish new year tonight, and well, its a stupid excuse to get my sick ass out of bed to torture my throat over some stupid chunks of dead meat. I still have an hour to fuck around until we need to go. So, I'm going to try to get rid of my herion-addict look.
--9.23.2003...2.30am--
...:::Update:::...
We're drifting apart. I lay in bed at night and I can feel it. The utterly extreme passion to see eachother has almost fizzled right out. I feel like you don't want to see me at all, like I'm just an inconvenience. Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe this isn't all I hoped it would be. I'm too young for anything and everything I want in this relationship. I don't even feel like I'm a priority to you. I don't want this to end. I really don't. I love you to the moon and back but, your words plague me. "How can one be more than just a boyfriend?". You made me feel wonderful. I was happy again, for the first time in a long time... This eventually crash and burn. *Is it getting hot in here?*. It presents the question of whether you and I will be yesterday's news or stay together and procreate, and what-not. I do not want you to feel as if I am re-stating a battle, I want you to take into account that the way you have been acting is not sending me the message that you want to carry on.
--9.22.2003...1.04am--
...:::Update:::...
Well, I am sick as a fucking dog. I hate being sick more than anything, of course this being the first time I've been sick in a year and 4 months, needless to say it blows. And since I moved out of Bryan's I hardly see him as much as I did before. It's an adjustment, to say the very least. Due to my being ill, I have been seeing him even less.
It's so hard because you can't just live with someone for like 6 months, see them every day and then all-of-a-sudden be ok with not seeing them even half as much as you used to. Do I love him too much? Is that possible. I mean, as much as we may fight, and want to kill each other I can't imagine him ever leaving, or me ever leaving him. He has become very important to me. I mean it started out with me being so utterly infatuated with this older guy who liked me, he was hot, he was into most of the same shit as me, he was hot, and wow, he liked me. I didn't think much of it at first I was too busy trying to impress this guy. I ditched my friends, I lied to my parents, and I made people feel like shit just to see this guy. I didn't care if he was trying to pick up girls it felt more like a friendship. Now this jealous raging thing has emerged from me, and I am so afraid that if I keep it at bay I will lose him, but if I don't I could lose him. One day I grew up and I loved this guy with every ounce of my heart, soul, and sanity. Something inside me is so convinced that he is set on walking right out of my life that is making me so afraid to actually fully be 100% involved in this. God, people have seen me when I've just been in a stupid arguement with him, I fall to pieces and my world collapses. Imagine if he actually left me. I know he loves me, and he says he's not going anywhere I believe that, I really do. I don't know why I am so on edge about this. I trust him. I know he's not out there fucking other girls or even remotely trying to fuck other girls (though he wouldn't have to try very hard, he's just so damn sexy). I wish I knew someone who knew me as well as he does so they could rip my brain apart and tell me why I'm acting/thinking so damn ridiculously. I mean, someone who wasn't totally into me wouldn't start making plans for the future with me. I know he's genuine. There's just a glich in my brain that is trying to fuck me up.
*Whew* More than I wanted to come out did, but it's for the better.
Getting a computer soon, it's going to be mine, all mine! Woo Hoo!!!
House of 1,000 Corpses kind of sucked. It was like Texas Chainsaw Massacre only pathetic. I was expecting more from good-ol'Rob Zombie. It needed MORE GORE and a better plot-line than the shameful one it had. Sorry Mr. Zombie but your movie lacks GORE!!!!
Greatest quotes:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher"
"Mommy, is that what human intestines really look like?"
Anyways, It's 1.30am and I have a date to watch Malibu's Most wanted tomorrow with my sister kind of early. Hope you enjoyed my rant.
--8.16.2003...7.06pm--
...:::Update:::...
I feel like I have lost the only sense of home or family I have ever had. Again, you are all that I have. My world is shattering and I can't stop it. Everything is going back to, well... my sense of normal. I hate how I'm feelng right now. I want it to all go away.
