Humorous Things

Things I find funny.................

My father figure, a LONG time ago, enough said.

One day in painting class my senior year, we were painting pictures of our heads. I had jet black hair at the time, and there is no black paint around. I ask the teacher (who, I may add, obviously did a FEW drugs in the 60's) for some black paint. He informs me that my hair is not black, but rather dark brown because "black does not exist in nature." Well, my hair sure as hell was black, the dye box told me so. After arguing with him for a while about what color my hair was, I just dropped the subject and slept for the rest of the class. The next day, I brought the dye box to him and pointed out that it was in fact BLACK. I got the black paint. Heh.

This here is a condom that I obtained at the Virgin Megastore in Chicago. Not only is the fact that the condom, ironically enough, says Virgin on it funny, but this particular condom had very detailed instructions on it's use on the inside cover, which you see above. The say you should not use butter as lube. Hmmm.

You'd think that after a while Jon would learn his lesson when it comes to falling asleep in the presence of artists, but noooooo...

There's a psycho guy who lives down the road a ways from me. Everytime that Max comes over, when he leaves, this guy runs after his car shaking his fists, because he evidently thinks that Max drives way too fast. I get endless amounts of entertainment out of this man. Does he really think he can catch a Max-driven Camero? Dork.

No wonder people always want to know which one of us is adopted.

"I'm sorry, officer. My prosthesis became loose and in order to keep if from completely falling off, I had to push down on the accelerator." My buddy Zaq does in fact have a fake leg. He actually used this excuse on a cop for speeding. And no, his prosthesis wasn't loose. The cop let him off with a warning after seeing that he did actually have a fake leg though. It was rather humorous.

I had my monsters in a hotel room in Seattle. The maids put candy all over them. Maids kick ass.

My father figure told me this story one day about how the term "You've got to be shitting me" originated.It kind of works better if it's spoken. Just remember that "Cox" and "cocks" both sound the same even though they're spelled different.
Back when George Washington was the president and the leader of the army or whatever, it was considered a citizen's responsibility to help the army out by housing soldiers while they were fighting some bad guys or something. Washington goes up to this log cabin and a guy opens the door. "Sir, it is your patriotic duty to house a soldier. Can you spare some room?" The guy has an overly packed house, and says that for the sake of being patriotic, he'll take one soldier. "Cox," Washington says to a soldier standing nearby, "This is where you will stay tonight." Washington and his troops go on, and come upon a mansion, which also happens to be a whorehouse. A woman opens the door. "Madam," Washington says to her, "It is your patriotic duty to house some soldiers if you have the room. Could you take some in?" "How many do you have?" asked the woman. "Well, 124 without Cox." says Washington. The womans eyes get wide. "You've got to be shitting me!"

This stuff isn't funny. Take me Home!