Calvin and Hobbes
GOOD IDEAS -
When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw it away. When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local dry cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. (I especially liked this!) If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can Send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again! Now if we could only find out how to call telemarketers at home on Sunday night at 9:00.
9 Irritations In Life...
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". No Shit, Sherlock!! But what good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? ?Do they need a bit of Chlorine for their gene pool??
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $12.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short." Helllllooo???? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
"Randy the Wide Receiver"
- Randy Moss Christmas song
You know Dante and Carter and Denny and Griffith.
McDaniel and Berger and Bouman and Bennett.
But do you recall,
The biggest jackhole of all?
Randy the wide receiver
Was a really pompous ass.
And if you ever saw him,
You prob-ly saw him drop a pass.
All of the other players,
Used to envy Randy's fame.
They really loved how Randy
Played in all his football games.
Then one foggy ball game's eve,
Randy came to say,
"I'll play ball when I want to,
I'm gettin' paid so screw all you!"
Then how the fans all loathed him,
And Randy still got rich.
Randy the Wide Receiver,
You're an overpaid punk bitch!
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Oxymoron for you
