Tales of neurotic depression
from the caustic mind
of
Shawn Allen
Forward...
Pain is an emotion that lies deep within all of us, some release it at a death, or of "hurt feelings". Some keep it hidden under their skin, always there, always lurking. What can be done? If the problem is solved, does the pain go away? Fundementally is happiness one part of this? Are we really happy or are we hiding the pain a little further down than normal, do we have shades of pain?
The following are my shades of pain.
My Pain
I can't remember what it's like to fall on the ground, does it hurt or is it soft? Much pain, one moment I'm happy the next I'm sad. Pain screams through my ears, sears through my mind, my teeth...no one can understand, those who stare can't "hear" us. Those who do hear us, we don't want to talk to. What does time consist of? Yesterday it seems I was in school, or a week has past and it seems like a few hours ago. Lost into a different area, floating to a time not forgotten, yet. Too many memories to remember, not enough room.
I lost my mind, now I can't remember. I'm doing it again, it's breaking my concentration. I'm gonna do what is in order for me, I will repeat.
I can't control it, maybe it's A.D.D., I gotta change, stick with one thing at a time, see I'm already wandering. Got to concentrate. I'm always 2 seconds behind - time has no concept here. There are too many personalities, I don't fit in. This is a reality, everything I do is repetative, I don't change, am I in denial or in a state of depression. It's time...
I am sad, I will never love
I don't get "it", never will
I speak this from experience
But I don't remember
Time goes by too fast
I don't remember yesterday
Since I can't
I close my eyes and not care
I can see thing that won't happen
My pain of images of love I will miss
The pain of the love I lost
Of stupid people who don't get a clue
I lost mine and now can't afford another
I hate, but know it doesn't matter
The saddness within will go on
Nothing but pain
Hurts
The emotions are flooding my mind
I laugh at sheer dumbness
Pain
I don't do it
So I lose all the time
Nothing here
Nothing to lose
It won't be me
I am sad
7-30-00
I'm in a downward spiral, what is it that I need? Burn my stuff I don't need it. What I need is a friend I can speak to, but who is my friend? No one, they don't care, I lose sleep over this! I have to talk to my friends in my head just so I can calm down to sleep, tell them my problems, what's bothering me, my pain.
I need a friend.
Why do I do the things I do or don't do? Why! One day I'm happy - no cares, other days kill me now almost.
But I don't want to die, I want to live, but why - what for? no one loves me, yes I know my family cares, but they never showed it to me, it was almost loveless growing up, no one cared, there were days, but make that up for years! God just to love would be a blessing. But the world plays dumb games. You know how much I would love a person, women complain they get nothing from their man, well here I am, but no takers. Relieve me of this pain so I can move on with my life.
Happiness is a state of being nieve, who wants to be happy when all your delt is dissapointment, shut the hell up! You bother me, why do we put up with this, Be Happy!
Why?
You get handed lemons, make lemonade, right?
What the hell is this? You can't afford the sugar, and the water is polluted! You get crap!
Why do we put our faith in the a moment, that we could be happy with that person, oh by the way they got a girlfriend or a boyfriend, we gander on variety - burn everything, so it all looks like crap then see who's predjudice.
"I don't like you, your too nice!" What the f..., hey I bet that guy who kicks the sh-t out of you loves you like that girl he hurt before you!
Now I feel better.
Things that piss me off!!
01-19-01
1. When people interrupt you while your trying to say something! So what do I do, I let it happen. When we go out I sit in the corner not saying anything. Why? Because I always get cut off or I feel that when I do say something, nobody is really listening anyway.
2. When people say they are going to do something and they don't, and then their excuse is "I forgot", you know, if I left $10.00 on the mantle of someones house, I sure would remember. All my life my family would say they would do something but never do it. I was hoping at least my friends would give me some dignity and just say, "I'll see what I can do, I can't make any guarentee...etc., etc."
3. I can't kill myself, if I did my pain would be gone, but yet everyone would be sad...blah...blah...blah! Hell everyone would say they'd go to the funeral, but probably forget to anyway! You try to hint to people the pain your in, but like shit, it's better to be left alone!
4. I read about how men and women battle over their dysfuctional problems, men have to screw around and women need jewelry or you don't get screwed (somehow it's getting screwed one way or another) or how men are pigs, you know all the other crap. Jokes about the size of mens jewels, how women fake orgasms, why? These people are lame asses. Why would you want to fake, the only person losing out is you stupid! Then there are these men who scope out chics, they think they are dawgs (what the F?). They are little boys, why do women get attracted to this vermin shit?
I know why, they like to be treated like dirt. Jerk-offs win! Yeh jerk-offs!
You hear about how men roll over after sex or don't cuddle and talk after sex...fuck 'em! I love it, what do I need the sleep for, sleep when your dead!! I say live every second you can without hesitation. But can I find a girl who would really want this? HELL NO! Cause they don't exist! It's a gag, a sham, something you saw on TV. They say it so they don't feel inferior or some dumb crap. I am the bi-product of everything these women want, but yet they still complain and I stand alone!!!
Sometimes you feel almost at the top of the world, but the next day usually you come crashing down. Leave that to your friends! You can do anything with them because they are the ones that give or take away your strength, the ones who "care" about you, not the ones you see every once in a while but those that you hang out with on a regular basis, I know they sometimes forget to do something, but all the time?
It is so cool when someone asks to let you into their personal bubble, for instance a foot rub or a hug, I love them to death (not literally) but when someone tells you (not you asking), that is trust. That person trusts you. Which is good.
I feel I shouldn't be here, a time not too long ago I should have died, perhaps beating fate, though I wasn't supposed to. Why now does time pass with no joy or excitement. People don't care.
In order to stay sane, each night I make my peace with imaginary people, no one will ever actually know how I feel or the reasons I do things, they'll never take the time to actually get to know the real me!
Sometimes I feel like the big dumb animal behind the glass that everyone has seen at least once, so there is no reason to see a second time or maybe the glass is off tinted to the world so they don't bother to take a second glance, in other words I'm a tool of convenience to kill some time till something better comes along.
These two are dedicated to the group of people I call UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS.....
I paid the bills, I cut the grass
With a lawnmower I got while you sat on your ass
You complained about the trash, and that I don't do a thing
I've got a 2 page police report, from your goddamb partying
The noise was loud when I tried to sleep
The neighbors were pissed but who gave a "bleep"
You snorted what!?!, you drank much drink
You F-r's pissed in my laundry sink
You passed out here, you passed out there
You set fire to my shoes without a care
You did drugs secretly while I was sleeping
You had sex on my porch, oh yes we were peeking
I shouldn't be mad, I shouldn't be blue
I had fun, I was involved too
But what makes me so angry and makes me F-n crack
Is that you had to shit talk about me behind my own back
