04/15/05 Well, where to begin. Hrm.. the last time I updated this page was three years ago, or more. I can not exactly remember, but I know that it was long ago. I was reading back over my looking glass today, and realized that there was much more that could have been added there, and that is the purpose for this update.
hrm.. still where to begin.. Gosh.. so much.. Alright, I am coming up on my fifth wedding anniversary, and I am more scared now than ever before I am going to loose her, I can not elaborate on why, I just am. I have reconnected with some old friends, some ex girlfriends, that have remained very good friends, and yet, even they or atleast a few of them, seem to be slipping away again. Fallilng prey to the exact same thing that scares me about losing my wife. *le sigh* I guess whatever happens, happens. I can not fight it, I simply must be, otherwise I might sieze to be.
Darkguild has been going good lately, with the exception of the massive blow up, and I managed to dig myself even further in debt, how odd it seems as a child to look up to your parents and wonder how it is they got into such a state of disrepair, where finances are concerned, I know how.. They looked up at their parents and said, "I will never be like that!" and then got proven wrong.
I still have no word on the child that is supposedly mine, only I have seen a pic, I do not see the resemblance, but that is ok. I found out that I am not on the birth certificate, so legaly that is not my child anyway. No it doesn't still hurt, I swear.
I guess it is amazing to me how much rambling one can do when trying to avoid the meat of the issue. Well, here it goes:
Bloody arms, and broken hearts all that pain has gone away, and been replaced with something deeper, the true pain of knowing that no matter how much you try, no matter what you do , you will never be good enough for people that are supposed to accept you for what you are no matter what. Your family, the people who share your blood, they can hurt you worse than any other pain in this world.
I have had a lot of things happen to me in this life, things that even the infinite space the internet has can not hold, and yet I have never felt the pain I felt the other day, when my mother, once again showed her true colors. She was gone from my life, truly disapeared for 7 years I did not see her, and then, she came back, and I forgave her.
Once again she left ..showed me her true colors, kicked me out to be homeless, after I got out of Penninsula, I touched on this before, but never truly mentioned as much about it.. I forgave her. Then while I was living in Nashville, she came to me and she said, that she wanted to stay with me a few days because the work was better in Nashville, and she needed money for Christmas. Still, it doesn't matter, she never worked, all she did was come there, and then, poof.. stay out all night, having sex with my manager. Sex with my manager that finally got me fired. I kicked her out, and still I left myself open, to her pain. It was not long before I had forgiven her.
After turning to my fathers family for everything, for so long I can not remember, I finally decided to turn to my mother to ask her for help, when I had hit a touch patch in my life, sure she helped me, as long as I would drive her around to all these places where she went to hotel rooms and such each for an hour at a time, and then came out with 75 dollars. ( I am not making any suggestions as to what you should think about her, although I never knew exotic dancers to work for an escort service, that only escorted for an hour at a time.)
We decided to try and help ourselves, as well as her, and move her out of the projects, and into a nice big two bedroom place, there as a bunch of shit I missed in there, stuff with her crackhead husband or whatever, but yeah. I gave her the money, my whole paycheck for this month, to put down on the place, and lo and behold..She wrote a check. So. we got removed from the lease, when she threw her fit, and there my wife, my animals and myself were, on the streets sleeping in a van. Sounds fun.. No?
I again called my father for help, and got told how much of a worthless piece of shit I am, I got told by my mother, just how much of a disapointment I am, even The father of my sister, who had taken me in before, seems to have turned his back on me. Honestly I wonder if there is anyone out there that ever will care about me. I am even begining to wonder about my wife, with the way she is acting. I used to feel as if I was special.. But so soon we realize, yeah.. not so much.
At anyrate, that is what is going on in the life of the ugliest, piece of shit, disapointment, to ever walk the face of this here planet. I will try to atleast update this page monthly.. We are off the streets now, and obviously have internet back. So look me up. I will try to update this page often, to keep everyone abreast of the situations.
05-01-05 Just took this quiz, and figured out what I was worth as a human.. So yeah, I guess I should put the link here, this counts as my latest update.I am worth $2,189,162.00 on HumanForSale.com
