been a year
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: sum shit

hey so its actually been a year well nearly its been a long one as well just stoppin in to let all you readers no iam still alive yes im here ! and things are better not wit keet nemore and back at home in sunny scotland fuk america especially at crimbo man its fuckin cold! and as for dean well i havnt heard from him in about 3 months so i got outta that loop have to come and update everyone on everything thats been happening in the last year hey ne one up for starting a RP group leave me a msg kk all my love

    XxX darkus angelicus XxX

    amplexis solitudo as always ! 

Mood:  down
Now Playing: nickelback
sitting in the tattoo studio one of the guys is inkn sum1 up n kkets away to the 'store' have togo home this week although not meant to leave untill feb. the airline wont change my ticket so im gna hav to buy a new one to get homw nice, it cost a fortune to get here in the first place! so iv bn kinda down for a while peter fell out with me now he's talking to me then he sends very plain messages with no emotion or with ne sort of incline to how he is feeling so thats makn me feel shitty then he dnt txt for days then he does and he's happy and we r friends again wat the fuck im confuzzled peter? he just got a moter bike so he is happy with that im glad he's happy at least sum1 is. keets upset cos im leaving and every1 is sympathetic to my cause. but the one thing thats been fucking me up and i need to talk about it is this should be my daughters 2nd xmas she would be 2 next june but i gave birth to her down a TOILET in the hospital and she was gone my child the life that grew inside of me just gone like that the nurse fished her out i went to sleep and they sent me home in the morning like nothing had happened.not a day goes by i don't think about it how i should be waking up to cuddle her in the middle of the night when she cant sleep i want to wake up on xmas morning after leaving out cookies milk and a carrot for santa and rudolf and cuddling her all night and watch the magic as she opens the presents that santa left under the tree for her. i want to kiss her scrapes wen she falls and tell her i'll always protect her from as much bad as i can.i want to paint and make a mess with her i want to read stories b4 bed. maybe one day i'll wake up and there beside me will be a beautifull angel that i love and loves me back and it will be unconditional.
i love u little angel i hope you are well i hope you are not scared i will always have a special place for you in my heart and i will never forget you. you brought me more joy than i have ever had. rest in piece little one.
XxX natasha XxX

Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: radio
so im in america its been a while since i posted so ill leave a quicky while im on quicky sounds fun lol got a new tattoo! and thats about the most excitement iv had i love getting ink it feels sooo good it just does it for me everyman to their own i guess wateva rocks ur boat as they say. O.o.o. staind and its 14 shades of grey wat a gr8 album things wer going good here every1 has changed since i came over last its not all fun n games nemore things got serious ppl coming in and fucking things up but nuthn stays the same im missing my friends though and im missing peter the most he fell out with me and quite within his rights as well because i was an arsehole n text dean wen i shldnt have as much as he fucked me about i still didnt want to hurt him so i tried to keep things civil wen ever i did end up telling him how i felt about him (and it wasnt nice)he made me feel guilty and i apologised he made me feel like i owed him summit even tho he owes me!neway i no he will never read this but im sorry neway peter.iv bn having such a shit time knowing i hurt him. and now one of our 'friendss'' partners has decided to b two faced and talk bout ppl bhind their back not cool so im gna go sort that shit out but i hope your all ok and ill post l8r. see u aint changed ur page 2 much simone xx

bumd
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: lil chris
so i havnt posted in ages but alot of shits bn goin on recently dean has moved all his stuff out and in the process mine to he emptied the place but it dnt matter cos i still got my dignity and great friends roun d me eskimo gave me a tv dougie gave me a cd player n towels and peter has kept me smiling even tho im really down. i have to confess tho i havnt went one single night without a drink in the last two weeks im still going on aswell iv had thoughts of self harm again and that aint a good thing ! well catch u laters

Mood:  a-ok
Its nearly 10 pm been out all day died my hair well put another blonde lightener through it, it looks good got my extensions in I cld well b a porn hoe lmao! I look good. Bought myself 2 tops n two pairs of trousers today well I never paid for them! Im on my way to getting all the cash I need for my ticket to America woohoo. Not long till im with my baby again. Im so excited I actually feel sick! Well this is just a short entry cos nothing exciting has happened. My poor kitty got in a fight I guess n now he has a gr8 big swollen eye! Poor kitty. Well love from the darkest corner of my little black heart ~XxX~ (well its not actually black if it was there b sumthn major up like id b dead)

Its 9 am early start for me only because dean was selfish enough to call me and wake me up how kind of him, iv got so much to do today iv got a client wanting 100 extensions roughly 1 min per extensin that’s 1 hour 40 minutes not taking into consideration extra time I might need then I might b watching the lil man and ive got angela tonight which is cool cos after wee 1 goes to sleep we’ll just watch a movie. Steven has his daughter tonight its became kinda routine for us to get together and take them to the swings on a fri although I missed last fri so we r gna do it tonight steven is my dads friends son he is in his 30’s and he’s a great wee mover on the dance floor. Ladies he is currently single and from my point of view unlucky in love so u should grab him b4 he’s gone!he’s a good laf and his kids are great I love spending time with them. I hope I get a full time job in a nursery soon or even as a nanny I don’t think I could live without children in my life. They bring so much happiness into your life, I don’t understand parents who don’t have time for their children I know people have them and look after them and that’s fine but people is it so hard to add a lil sparkle in to their lives wen the come home from school have a sheet out on the floor and let them paint it have fun make a mess take them for an unexpected picnic at the weekend it doesn’t cost a lot even if its just out the back door build a den for them its exciting! Take them to the arcade give them a pound of twos and let them play the penny falls. Or even just to the local swing park after dinner as well as giving them some excitement it’ll tire them out and they’ll sleep all night.
Now moving on I seem to have aquired a problem in the form of an 18 year old boy. Iv known the boy for 2 years and it looks like he has developed a crush on me oh dear he says he loves me and I am all he can think about I seem to be affecting his life andd it isn’t a good thing I have tried to let him down and he knows im with keith and going to America this hasn’t put him off though he is convinced that he is going to wait for me. Maybe wen I go he’ll realise that it was the whole he wants what he can’t have. I hope a nice girl comes along and takes his mind of things I miss just his friendship I only saw him once every 6 month so it kinda came about a bit sudden I was speechless wen he told me.he sed he thought I would think he was a silly little boy but I explained to him that I didn’t he was growing up and it was normal to have feelings like these emotions are a serious thing and they have not to be toyed with I also explained to him that he was a little young for me and I was with sum1 I told him that if he needed to talk about anything that I would still always be here for him and that I would try to help him get over these feelings the best I can. To b honest little more than not contacting him I don’t kbnow what else to do, but I feel so guilty as he crys knowing he can’t be with me and it is such a horrible feeling I know what it feels like iv been there myself. I just hate knowing that im having such an effect on sum1s life.he is still so young and impressionable I don’t want to go about things the wrong way. Any advice id love to hear it.
Well its now 11 oclock my dads still in bed he was meant to be up an hour ago for work but he was drinking last night I made him a tea but he hasn’t quite managed to get his arm working yet lol its such a horrible dull wet day outside today looks like fall has arrived already. I love it wen the leaves die and change colour that’s my favourite time of year its so beautifull and colourfull. Well I suppose I’d better say goodbye and go have a bath I have a busy day ahead. Have a good day people. ~XxX~ tash ~XxX~

Now Playing: evanescence
Its 734 listening to evanescence im in a black mood tonight mayb ill go to the cavern yeah as if id actually fit right in amongst all the trendys this gr8 mass of black being a loner sitting in the corner drinking vegetable juice. God I so desper8ly want to go out any takers for the cavern? I haven’t socialised in weeks it sucks I need my dunt I need my adrenaline rush the feeling that makes me feel alive I want to soar in to the dark night skies I am a child of the night a crawler of all that is unholy. When will I be taken away from this world I can’t rid myself believe me I have shed a million drops of blood and taken enough drugs to kill a horse and still im here stuck in this world theres this tiny glint of light it’s like a beautifull flake of silver glitter it makes me smile and laugh like nothing or nobody ever has it gives me a strange sense of security that iv never had before a warm feeling deep inside of me a sense of belonging I just cant catch it right now its so far away I had it once not that long ago in the palm of my hand it melted my hardened heart as I slowly breathed it in and passed it between my fingers then time interrupted and parted us by thousands of miles. I know in my heart of hearts though that I will have it back soon. This is what I have been made to wait for if it isn’t then life really is a bitch! I nearly walked out infront of a bus two days ago and as I was stepping off the kirb there was Alison an old high school friend she shouted me sumthing stopped me was I looking for an excuse if I wasn’t would I have ignored her and done it anyway or was I looking for a sign. People say that suicide is the cowards way out to be honest it takes a shit load of guts to do it to be sure that there is nothing else for you and people say work through your problems but what if you’ve tried and there IS no answer, people say its selfish, fuck that I say that’s selfish way I look at it they don’t want you to do it because it will cause them pain but you know what about the pain your in every fucking day your supposed to live with that to make others happy? That’s bullshit make yourself happy that’s what I say think about yourself not others if it means your at peace and finally happy why not? I really am emotionally numb unless its bad thoughts it sucks I don’t care about anything . well that’s a lie only thing that means anything to me is keith right now iv let him into my world. He is the star that lights my black hole that im going to go crawl into right now! I JUST WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK.AAAGGGGHHHHH. I JUST WANT TO BEME AGAIN.is that so hard to ask so many people and everyone of them have mentally screwed with me you know the most honest person in my life is my dad and I don’t even fucking know him he might not have been there over the years but hes making it up to me know I wish I could tell him how I feel he isn’t open emotionally though I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach him that way yeah he screwed with my head big time but not intentionally it was never a personal attack its fucked up how one persons problems can fuck you up. I mean I understand he loved my mum unconditionally he’s a simple man and would’ve bn with her forever but he was gray she was coloured and they didn’t wash well together. She broke his heart then jumped up and down on it after she ripped out the pieces that wer left. But why did we have to suffer he should have got a grip and -rather than starting a new life to make it easier to forget- been a man we didn’t hurt him we needed him well I know I did I done everything to c him and he wasn’t interested we were like strangers in the street and now my childhood is gone ill never get that back, ever.its unreal how many tears I shed while writing these stupid things. I don’t cry infront of anyone but guess what it isn’t against the law to do it on your own and I do have a heart it isn’t made of ice like everyone thinks. Well im gonna sign off ~XxX~ have a nice night and appreciate your family while you have them ~XxX~
So I just went downstairs tried to be strong and say ‘you know what dad you’re the most honest person in my life and the only person that hasn’t fucked with my head intentionally’ you know what came out ‘do you want a biscuit’ I want to tell him so bad I need to let him know he really isn’t that much a failure and I do love him I doubt he’ll ever read this but if he does it’s the only way I know he’s going to find out.man it hurts so much I can’t be open with my own father. ~XxX~ im such a pussy there I go crying again ~XxX~im gonna go gorge myself in buckets of chocolate now I enjoy being a recluse but I don’t think it can be too healthy ?~XxX~

Looks like love breaks your heart in a thousand different ways its not always a lover

So im feeling kinda down today went to the fair with my cousin and made myself ill on the pathetic excuse for kiddies tea cups I don’t c the point theres no fun in going round and round and round until you make yourself so ill you want to throw up your tasteless cheeseburger you bought off the over priced chuck wagon! I could use a family at this moment in time im so sad that I watch the buses go by just to hopefully catch a glance of a member of the family I was once part of I haven’t seen my mum in 2 weeks nearly and not 1 fon call to c how I am doing ! it’s so lonely wer I am right now I hate it. And it’s fucking freezing to.
I got a big problem aswell and no one to bounce it off of well I got keet but he shldnt b involved in this I spose he cld give me advice but he aint her. My cousin just turned four and his stage of development is quite evolved he is unbelievably intelligent for a child of his age and he understands everything. He came to me the other day and whispered in my ear I don’t like men and as soon as he saw his dad (barry) enter the room he clammed up and said it doesn’t matter he told me this was a secret and as soon as his dad asked him what he was talking about an luis said nothing barry seemed very nervous? What to make of this situation ? am I seeing things that aren’t there am I being to over protective? I just want to take him away im going to worry till that child is old enough to leave or his father dies about his safety.

Mood:  not sure
Just a quick entry no I haven’t ran away to America yet trust me if I could I would ! iv been calling the ticket line for 3 days now and still no answer im going to look for another compwny because I need a man im sick of rubber lol :P at least im kinda getting on with things now im not laying around all day feeling sorry for myself! Im at my dads just now only on for an hour so going to talk to keith hopefully he is on wen I sign in and not busy. Cant b bothered thinking about nething exiting iv done not nething I don’t think neway! Im going to the fair tomorrow night with my cuzn that shld be fun its miramess time which is a celebration every year we celebrate the gala queen being crowned and her 4 marys or sumthing like that its pretty shallow as they pick the 5 prettiest girls in the high school way to make the other kids feel good nothing like a little bit of peer pressure to turn you into a crazed bullemic chick who plasters herself with make up and that’s wen their 12! Y cant people just accept others as they are its whats on the inside that counts! You girls that don’t think you are beautifull that’s because you compare yourself to others fuck what everyone else thinks look at yourself properly and im sure you will find true beauty even if it lies within a talent work on it and be the best you can at it no matter what any1 else thinks feel good about who you are because believe it or not there are a lot less fortunate people out there. ~XxX~ mp ~XxX~

cant b bovered tonight peeps did make a good looking corset though! im going on a quest to find the key to my boredom which apparantly lies with the chinchillas of sicily i have been informed it will be a perilous journey. i shall need a toothbrush and some orange jam. orange jam to make em taste better and a toothbruch 4 the nasty after taste. yes i know i am a sick moose those poor chinchillas but wait they are made of mushroom and mushroom makes me sick rar ill never hold the key within me. someone stole them and sent the to florida so i wont ever find them but thats ok because i have a a mushroom chinchilla from sicily detector mwa ha ha bsides ther blue n pink so i wldnt miss them neway!

~XxX~