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If a student questions you, walk silently over to his or her seat. Then immediately hand them your piece of chalk and ask, " Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants ? "

Pick out random pupils. Ask them queries and time their responses with a stopwatch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering, " tsk, tsk. "

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the entire class, " Does my ass look fat ? "

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Then ask him or her to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Point the overhead projector at the entire class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named 'Boogers McGee' and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, " What'll be, McGee ? "

Sprint from the classroom in a panic state if you instantly hear sirens outside.

Warn pupils that they should bring a lunch sack to exams.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your course.