Dinner
Title: Dinner
Author: Monnie
Rating: PG13
Summary: The agents in their old age. Very funny. Please read and review.
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Files or any of its characters. But, God I wish I did! :-)
Author's Notes: This is my first shot at a comedy fanfic. Please review and express your opinion.
***
Prologue
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Actually, it is time for me to fill you in on the past thirty-seven years.
Long story short, Mulder and Scully got married and moved in together, Reyes and Doggett bought a house and are living together- they're just friends. Skinner is still living with his mother who surprisingly, is up to the ripe age of 97, and the Lone Gunmen are as healthy as ever, each residing in their own apartments- all of them right next to each other. Cigarette Smoking Man died twenty-five years ago in 2013. Hey, we told him smoking was bad for his lungs but did he listen to us? No! Hmm... I wonder if he made it into Heaven...*ahem* Kersh bought a farm seven years ago- no one's heard from him since, and Krycek ... well, who the Hell know happened to Krycek.
Well, I think thats everyone. Enjoy the story!
Thursday July 15, 2038.
Mulder and Scully Residence.
(Clock ticking loudly in the background. An aged Scully is knitting. Mulder is watching her.)
Mulder: It's awfully quiet here today.
Scully: Like everyday.
(silence)
Mulder: Maybe we should invite Reyes over.
Scully: Maybe we should invite Doggett over.
-pause-
Scully: We can invite both.
Scully: (on the phone) So you and John won't mind coming over for dinner? Great!
Reyes: I'll invite the Gunmen too. We'll be there at 5:00?
Scully: Great, bye Monnie. (hangs up)
Scully: (to Mulder) They'll be here at five. The Gunmen too.
Mulder: Skinner. We should get him too.
Scully: Skinner, ... Mulder?
Mulder: Yeah, what would dinner be without the skinman?
Scully: (sighs) Fine Mulder. I'll go call him.
Scully: Hi, can I speak to Skinner, please?
Skinner's Mom: Oh you mean Skinny-poo? Just a minute dear.
Scully: (muffled laughter) Okay.
-waiting-
-waiting some more-
Skinner's Mom: (to 'skinny-poo') Hey, skinboy! Some woman wants to talk to you. She sounds like that bimbo you went out with last week!
Skinner: Coming mother. (picks up the phone) Hello?
Scully: Skinny-poo?
Skinner: Shut up Scully. Its a long story. Why'd you call?
Scully: Mulder, Reyes, Doggett, Byers, Frohike, Langly, and I are having dinner together at our house. You're invited, it's at 5:00 pm.
Skinner: Alright, I'll be there.
(in the background you hear Skinner's mom yelling)
Skinner: Bye.
Scully: Bye (hangs up)
***
Mulder and Scully's residence
5:00 pm
Scully: (to all) Thank you all for coming!
Mulder: Could you pass the potatoes Monica?
Reyes: Sure.
Doggett: Why didn't you ask me Muldah? I'm right next to them.
Mulder: You were scrathing your balls! Don't deny it, I saw you! I don't want your dog-ball germs! And my name is Mulder not Muldah!
Everyone: (looks at Mulder)
Doggett: I'm an old man. What do you expect me to do? Walk around and pretend my nuts aren't itchy? (scrathes) Damn, I should've used 'Preperation H'! (scratches some more)
(Everyone looks at Doggett)
Doggett: Damnit Monica, I think it's from you! I think you gave me herpes or somthing!
Reyes: (smacks head and mutters something) Oh God.
Doggett: You think its from what we *did* this afternoon?
Mulder: (grins stupidly) Wait. You mean you two...Oh my God.
Langly: Hey, anyone ever seen that movie 'The Seven Yeaar Itch'?
Everyone: (looks at Langly)
Langly: Hehe, it'd be funny if Doggett had an itchy penis for seven years! Hehehe. (laughs some more, unaware of the fact that everyone is glaring at him)
Frohike: How stupid *are* you, Langly?
Langly: Hey, at least I my name doesn't sound like "hickey". Neener neener neener! Hahaha!
Scully: Alright....
Mulder: Well, Skinner....how are you?
Skinner: (twitches) Uh...can I use your phone? I promised my mother I'd call home when I got here.
Scully: Um, yeah. It's in the back.
Skinner: (scurries away)
Reyes: Hey, my daughter is coming to visit tommorow. I haven't seen Lisa in ages.
Scully: Well thats nice. You must be really anxious to see her again.
Reyes: Very much so.
Everyone: (does nothing)
Byers: Ever notice how people in cartoons wear the same clothes everyday?
Langly: You mean like us?
Everyone: (looks at the Gunmen)
Byers: Well...sort of. We just never change our clothes because we're lazy slobs who don't give a damn about our appearance.
Frohike: Interesting observation.
(Skinner comes back and sits down.)
Scully: So uh Skinner, is everything alright with you?
Skinner: Trust no one.
Scully: Uh...Skinner?
Skinner: Trust no one.
Mulder: Umm.
Skinner: TRUST NO ONE!
Doggett: Uh, maybe you should go home now Skinner. Get some rest.
Skinner: ITS A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! THEY'RE HIDING SOMETHING! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (gets up and runs out the door)
Scully: Interesting character, Skinner.
Monica: Very much so.
Everyone: (silence)
Byers: You know what? I have some unfinished buisness with the laundry at home. I better go...
Langly: You're our only ride home, we better go too.
Frohike: (shakes head)
The Gunmen: Bye
Scully: Cya later guys.
(the gunmen got up and left)
Doggett: So, its just the four of us now.
Scully: I'll go get dessert.
***
Doggett: Hey Dana, what is this stuff? It looks like shit.
Reyes: John!
Doggett: No really, its brown and creamy. It looks like shit!
Scully: Doggett, its an ice-cream sundae. What do you think it is? Its chocolate sauce.
Doggett: Oh. Thank you then Scully.
Scully: (shakes head) Hey, since Skinner and the Gunmen left, that means we have four extra sundaes. One four each of us.
Doggett: Goodie!
Reyes: Uh, Doggett you can have mine. My appetite is kinda screwed up now thanks to you.
Doggett: Yipee! I get three!! Tee hee hee.
Mulder: Well Scully, I'd love another one. Your sundaes are heavenly.
Scully: Why thank you Mulder. Glad you appreciate it. (looks over at Doggett who have "shit" resembling chocolate sauce running down his chin)
Reyes: (looks at Doggett) Oh God.
Reyes: Hey, you guys mind if I go into the den and watch tv?
Scully: Knock yourself out.
***
In the den with Reyes
The television: Ohhh. Oh Harold. Harder Harold, harder! Give it to meee. Oh baby, yes! Ohhhh ohhh my Harold, this is so, so naughty. **giggles** Work it work it! Oh yes, Harold. Ohhh my!
Reyes: What are you doing with a slut like her Harold? You deserve someone like me. Lemme show you. (Monica starts humping the sofa.)
Scully: (walks into the room and sees Monica) Oh my God.
Mulder: (walks into the room) Oh my God.
Doggett: (walks into the room. ) Oh my God.
Reyes: (gets up) OH MY GOD! I mean, u wanna watch tv? **starightens clothing** (realizing that the tv is on the porno channel, quickly changes it)
Scully: Uh thats okay.
Doggett: Monica, maybe we should go now...We have to talk.
Monica: (whimpers) Okay.
Mulder: Bye, you two!
Reyes and Doggett: Bye. (leaves)
Outside
Doggett: What was all that about Monica? You were humping their sofa!
Reyes: Oh John. Its just that I haven't had sex in decades! And doing it with you just isn't the same. Its like humping a dog!
Doggett: *gasps* Let's go home! (pulls Monica along withim)
Inside the house with Mulder and Scully
Mulder: That was nice wasn't it?
Scully: Yeah, we have such oddball friends.
Mulder: Yeah. But they're each special in their own way.
Scully: You're kidding me! Monica humping the couch, Doggett and his penis, Skinner and his government conspiracies, and the gunmen and their laundry. I thin we're the only two sane ones!
Mulder: That could be true. Some more tea, Scully?
Scully: That would be great Mulder.
* * *
THE END
A/N please read and review everyone. I need the reviews. Oh yeah, I also hope I didn't offend anyone with this!~ All in good humor, people, all in good humor. :)
