Junk Mail
Here is a collection of various forwards and e-mails I have recieved in the mail. Some are quite funny, so it is worth your time to kick back and look through these. But what is time anyways??? Your not doing anything. Look at you.... All you are doing right now is sitting at home on the internet. Kindda makes you wonder... What the heck am I doing???
Things that make you go Hmmmm???
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk
to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER..............
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
**** In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods....****
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time
I
have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and
you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't
this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds
off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this
because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
You know you're trailer trash when.....
01. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
02. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
03. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
04. You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.
05. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
06. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
07. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
08. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
09. Your junior prom had a daycare.
10. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
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Email: goddessjackie11@yahoo.com