Entries from year 2002.
|
It be June 13
Sorry, people. I won't be updating here much anymore. I have a new diary, at Teenopendiary.com Look me up please! My diary name is Unknown Exposure. Leave me notes, if you like. I enjoy writing there, and there are more people reading my stuff. It makes me feel better to know that people are, indeed, reading my entries. So, please go there from now on. Well, I've found alot of new tests and stuff, so I'll continue to post those here, and you can go take them yourself. Thanks. |
|
It be June 1, 2002 I fear I may not be on much, anymore. Things have taken a turn for the worse, some which I cannot say. But the source of my depression and suicidal ambition? Jon has found another girl. Sarah. I found out last tuesday, and got it out of him wednesday night. Lets see, I cried halfway through tuesday, wednesday went a bit smoother..thursday, I missed first hour with my friend because I was in the guidance office. Then, that night, Jon and I went for a walk. Nothing of importance was said, now I regret it. Friday, yesterday, passed alright, I suppose. I got home and watched tv. Then my mom took me out to eat. Of course, I haven't eaten anything in the past 4 days, since tuesday. I was hungry. I think the total amount I've eaten since tuesday equals up to about half a meal, not even. I also have gotten less than 4 hours since. I am so tired, but I can't fall asleep, and I am so hungry, but the sight of food makes me want to vomit. I've gotten skinnier, and I lost a few pounds. Now I'm really scared. I'm not fat..I can't afford to loose weight. Last night, I was left home alone and had a huge breakdown. I needed to be around people, and so I called almost every friend that lives around me. None were home, or sleeping (the one who I resorted to who lives in a whole other town). So, I, so desperate to even just talk to someone, walked down to the cemetery. Well, I walked down my block..rethought it, went back home, started walking again, got to the end again, and realized I had no flower. So I went home, made my way through the dark to the backyard and picked a small white violet-type of flower, and walked on. I cried on my cousin's best friends' gravestone. I never even knew the guy, but he was the only one left. So I cried and told him everything. It was so peaceful.. I really didn't want to leave, but I have that stupid 10:00 curfew. I slowly walked home.. Brian, whom I had called also, found me. He ended up staying until midnight, we sitting outside on my porch, talking. I don't know how much longer I can handle myself like this. I'm so pathetic. So, I'm sorry to say, that I will not be updating here as much as I used to. I've lost motive. I'm going insane. I swear. I'm socially addicted. Not one of my friends can do something, they're either gone or grounded or babysitting.. I need to be with someone, though. I don't care who. You know why? I'll tell you why. When I started this site, I hated people, I hated being social, I didn't want friends, I wanted isolation. Then, THEN, Jon came along and he fucked it all up..made me social, oh so social, and god, it's still having it's effect because I can't stand being alone. I can't go anywhere alone anymore. And I can't call Jon because of his damn girlfriend. Ugh.. I feel so horrible. I miss him dearly, I do; I wish I didn't dislike him for that reason. But..BUT he said we were still friends, so if no one is home, I am entitled to call him and see if he wants to do something, right? I mean, come on, who says I can't call a friend because I'm bored.. Damn. It won't be the same, really, even our walk was different. Oh god help me, I'm going to die of lonliness.. I can't run to the graveyard every night, being bored out of my mind needing to talk to someone, be they alive or dead.. |
|
It be May 8, 2002 Back, early. I had homework I needed to type up. Anyway, my computer is still down, and my dad is going away tomorrow until sunday night, so there will be no one to fix the computer. Ah! Oh well, I have other things to occupy my time. Like sleeping. I've done not much but sleep lately. Although, I went to Brian's house last night. His friend Cory was over too, then he left, so it was just me and Brian. Basically, we talked the whole time with Orgy playing in the backround. Hm.. Monday night, I was caught by the cops. Actually, it was about 9:40 p.m. and they just sort of pulled up behind me as I was walking and questioned me. Then they asked for my name, number, address, and age. Again. Dude, that's the second time I've been written down, and this time I didn't do anything. Dirty bastards. They do their job too well. What else.. Oh, yes. A Bomb threat was discovered in my school. Some dude wrote it on one of the bathroom stalls in the boys bathroom, so they got close to evacuating the school. But they decided to keep it calm, so the principle and vp went to every class, and explained. Apparently, rumors were spreading through the school, too, about it. Although the rumors never reach my ears because some rumors that circulate are about me. Ah, well, I now know some guys who talk bad about me behind my back. Well, I know their names, I really don't know their faces or anything. I feel so popular, I'm on so many prep's hate lists probably. Ah, well. Well, I suppose there really isn't much more to say. I hate school, I hate people, I hate me, I hate life. It's wonderful. |
|
It be May 5, 2002 Hey. I'm back, I only have another half hour here on my grandmas computer. Well, life has gone along quite well. I'll explain my week, only bringing up points I can remember, though. But, in all, I think that it went along alright. Alright, sunday passed along well. I finished my project, had a hour and 38 minute phone chat with my neighbor, and went to bed alright. I watched a movie, I think The Messanger, but I fell asleep. Monday sucked. My science teacher made me present my brochure I was working on. Plus, it was the 29, I think, not a good day. So I went through it, quite depressed. But all in all, it was..blech. I think I went to Brians house after school. We watched the Shawshank Redemption. It is quite a good movie, and we ended up wrestling because I would not tell him something. Apparently, my knee, or the part right above it, is quite a good pillow. I shall have to try and see if this be the truth..somehow. Tuesday. Hm..I was worried about Brian all day, as I usually am. See, Brian was starting to drink and cut himself. So, I called Jon that night and asked him to please talk to Brian about it. So he did, thursday after school. Also, tuesday, me and Jon were conversing quite well, and I was quite happy. We talked after about every class that we saw eachother, and I was in the clouds about it. *giggle* Wednesday went fine. Me and Jon, still talking, and I wasn't jealous of any girl that stole his attention or anything. I don't remember after school, I probably went to Brians. Wait..no. Monday after school, me, Kirsten, and Sara went to the library. It was fun. I ended up getting a romance novel to freak my mom out, as did Kirsten. It worked. So I stayed up all night to read it, and dude..those books are quite good. Not enough loving parts for me, though. Heh..sick little me! I just finished my second romance earlier this weekend. Anyway, Brian went to the library with me and Kirsten on wednesday, which was fun again. On the way, construction workers we passed were yelling at us. Nothing bad, but me and Kirsten were giggling like little school girls, and Brian was probably embarresed to be seen with us. Ah, well, Brian ended up checking out my book for me. Heh! It was a funny sight to see him checking out a romance novel. Thursday..ugh. My interaction with Jon ceased, and I was out of it. So my day passed coldly. Thursday night, I called Jon as usual. The conversation was short. I asked him about Brian and how their talk went, which was good I'm supposing. But we had about a 15 minute conversation, and I cried myself to sleep. I woke up crying, too, and was quite zoned and extremely depressed all friday. Yea, I woke up crying for no apparent reason. School passed by as a nothingness blur. I walked home alone, and watched The Messanger. I went out with my parents friday night, and got home to find Brian had called. I went to his house at about 9:15, watched a few minutes of Hannibal, and he walked me home. I really didn't want to go home, so we walked around a few blocks for about 15 minutes. I got home at 10:15, 15 minutes late, and I asked my mom if I could stay out later. Brian was quite out of it, but he was drugged up from earlier that day. He got his wisdom teeth out, and his previous drugging-out mixed with his painkillers created quite a personality. I used that as my excuse. So we walked around town, talking about almost everything. Then he went up to some guys house at about half after 10, knocked, and when the man answered, asked if he lived there. I can't believe he did that. It was quite entertaining. Well, I got home at 11, 15 minutes later, once again. I went to bed in a good mood, actually. Saturday. A depressing day. I talked to no one, but went out to stores with my parents and such. Not much happened. Today. Today was good. I went to a girls house to do a project for school at like..10:30 a.m. and I left at noon. When I got home, my mom informed me Brian called. So I called him back and he invited me over. So, I helped my mom take some stuff/boxes to good will, then she dropped me off at his house. We started watching American Pie 2, and after about 10 minutes, we walked over to Kirstens house. We chatted on her lawn for about 45 minutes. Then discovered a hammock in her backyard and wrestled on it for quite some time, trying to get everyone's shoes off and poking eachother until we tipped off. Well, we got settled in after a long time, and sort of just dozed in the sun, dozed the afternoon away.. I was nestled into Brian, he had his arm around me, and Kirsten was nestled into my other side. It was cute, we were holding hands. We're not lesbians or anything, let me reassure you. As I said in an email to my friend, it was just like two 5-year old girls holding hands, trying not to loose what was in their friendship. See, the other day, we both were talking about how much fun it was to be a child again. Not a care in the world. So, really, it wasn't odd that that's what came to mind. And, of course, had anyone seen us, no one would have cared. Yea, we hold hands alot. It's a security in the world, and one way to not be seperated from soneone. Well, us 3 just layed in the sun, so comfortable, for a few hours. There was nothing in the world that could have ruined to moment, except Kirstens little brother. Ah, well, it's quite comforting; to lay there in the sun, as comfortable as can be, surrounded by people who love you. It lasted only a few hours, but I never felt so safe and happy and content in so many monthes (years, if you exclude the few monthes I had with Jon). I'm sorry the sun had to set, it had to get colder, and that my curfew/check-in time was drawing near. But Brian is all up for that to be our sunday-day hangout. It's not that bad of an idea, but seeing as me and Kirsten are both sick, it's hard to grasp how it could get much better. It will, probably, but still. I think today was the best day in the past week. Yes, I dearly do wish Jon had been there, with his arm around me too, but ah well. It was good enough. Well, my mom should be arriving, so I must be going. |
|
It be April 28, 2002 So sorry for not updating. My computer crashed friday as I tried to get online, and we can't fix it because it won't even let us start up the computer. I'm at my grandmas house, working on my science project. *cough* I finished. Well, I'll write until I hear her coming up stairs. Then I don't know when the next time I'll be online will be. Anyway, Thursday night. Wonderful! The conversation was successful, and I ended up enjoying it rather than hating every minute. So I went to bed happy. I actually got a few things I wanted to say said, for once. Jon now knows that every weekend I do get depressed because I don't see him for 2 days. But we all know I do. Anyway, he was quite suprised, but I'm glad I actually had the courage to say it. I'm not that depressed this weekend as I usually am. I think it's because I have one less thing to worry about; that I know he knows how and why I get depressed. It feels as if there's less load I have to carry around and be careful about mentioning. Well, I'm in a good mood for once. I hope it will not be ruined tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a sad day. It marks an anniversary. Yea, the 29 would have been my 7-month anniversary with Jon, but thats only a contributor. Tomorrow will the the 4-year anniversary of my dog's passing away. Well, we put him down. But sometimes I think he was the only real friend I had, you know? Someone to come home to and talk to, to cry to, to go through my troubles with. Okay, he was a dog, but my dearest friend in life. I still hate whatever force it was that took him away, whether it be the technological-medical advances we have, or that thing we call God who takes our loved ones away because there's some 'better purpose'. I miss Fritz. When I get a chance, I'll try and upload some pictures of him. Tomorrow is his day, I hope it won't be tested. I swear if anyone unnerves me, I will snap. Ah, well, I feel like crap, so I be leaving. Let us hope my next update won't be too far away. |
|
It be April 25, 2002 It's thursday. Although I'm not quite sure how tonight will go. First I'll tell my story of what happened last night. Okay, my sister was moving out. She turned 18 and was planning on moving in with her boyfriend. So, as I was in her room with her, my knee cap popped out. Painful. Dude, she couldn't push it back in for me, so I was mad. But there's no time to think when in pain. So we screamed for my dad, he came in and pushed it back into place, and I ended up crying into my sisters shoulder then going to my room. Then My mom came in and 'talked' to me about not doing my knee exercises like I should have. I was in phy. ed. last semester so my knees were pretty strong, and seeing I run/walk 2 miles everyday now, I figure that's enough. To me, it sounded like she was scolding me. He voice was louder, and she was looking mad. So I got mad, and my sister came in to talk. Well, we talked in the hallway, and I told my sister, and apparently my mom was intentionally overhearing it. So also heard me swear quite a bit. So she rushed by, denied scolding me, and was actually scolding me, while denying she was. So I cried, and I told my sister that I was not going to be able to live in this house with her gone. Well, she eventually left, I went to bed, and at about 9:30 my mom came in and apoligized. And explained that it's not my fault that my knee cap came out, and that she was sorry that it sounded like she was scolding me. So I called my sister, talked to her, and went to bed after finished my prologue for a creative writing I had to do for English. Well, I woke up, and I suppose my mom was pmsing away. I got up 20 minutes late, so I ate, and she was like 'You can take the pill however you want', but she said it in a very mean tone. So I tried and tried many ways to take the capsule. I couldn't get it down. So she went all off on me on how I don't even try. Then she brought up my knee problem, and told me I was too lazy to even do the damn exercises, and that when I get corrective surgery, I'd do nothing to restrengthen the muscles and that it was all a waste of money to try and help me. She contradicted what she said last night. I ended up going to school, crying which is something that hasn't happened for months. Well, Brain saw me crying and was nice enough to stop and comfort me. I know I can call him about this, now he knows whats going on, partially. I feel I will be going to school crying alot. Jon, on another hand, I'm not so sure about. We didn't talk all day, and I felt like shit. I went to the guidance office and cried for a few minutes, then went to class. So my mom will be home in a few minutes, and I'm dreading her arrival and being in her presence. Nice, hm? The next 3 years I have to live with a fear of coming home everyday. This is not a home. I don't know what'll happen tonight. I might end up at Brians, I might call Jon, and get no sympathy from him what-so-ever. Please don't ask me what I see in him. I'm not quite sure myself anymore. I'm just so confused. Lonely, now, too. |
|
It be April 24, 2002 I don't know why I try. Although I do swear I will kill my parents. And I'm proud of it. My visit with the psychiatrist sucked. He's a psychiatrist and he can't even tell that there's more to me. He didn't even ask the right questions, much less any specific ones. You know what? I think that no matter who I find in life, no one will be able to understand me. No one will ever take the time to be patient with my cold little heart, and no one will ever realize the amount of pain I put up with just for everybody else's sake and happiness. I got more medication. I almost cried at the office. And everytime that I've pissed my dad off, he's always like 'Take your pill yet?'. I can hear them now, talking in the kitchen about me. My mom's voice is really low so I can't hear, but I can. She's talking about me, and laughing about what I told the psychiatrist. I have that gut feeling I'm going to be crying myself to sleep again. Or it could be cramps. Either way, why does this all have to happen to me? Why do my parents have to be so controlling? Perhaps I should start taking drugs. It'll kill me sometime, and in the meantime, I'll have some fun and hope with dope. So Jon, if you're reading this although I doubt you are, sorry. I don't know what else to do, because counseling is proving to be helpless; all they want to do is put me on drugs, and if they want to do that, then I, too, can put myself on drugs I'll actually enjoy. |
|
It be April 23, 2002 Yes, I know, I missed a day. I don't remember where I was. Sleeping, I think. Ah, well, yesterday went crappy. Although I wrote my friend a letter and it cleared up a hell of alot of my fears about her and Jon, so it's all good. Nothings going on. Today was great. There was a fight in my geometry class. Actually, the bell rang, and it started out in the hallway, but it was shoved into our room. It was funny, although all I saw was some guy from my class on top of this other dude with rainbow hair so he wouldn't get up and attack anyone. Ah, well, it sparked a conversation among me and Jon. Well, he was just really excited about it, so basically I had to retell what I saw. But hey, I enjoyed it. My walk home sucked, I wasn't in the shape nor the mood to, but I did. Somehow. Now I have my science project to work on, joy. Well, I should go watch something on tv about bipolar teens. I was told it would help me 'cope' although I think I'm doing quite fine with my breakdowns and psychotic episodes. |
|
It be April 21, 2002 My parents are still out getting the furniture they happened to buy today, also. At the current moment, we have a new couch with new pillows and cushions, a new loveseat complete with pillows and cushions, a new kitchen table, along with 10 chairs (which all do not fit around the fucking thing), 2 end tables, 2 coffee tables, and I do not know what they ran back to get again. They had to go back because they could not fit it all into the back of the truck in one trip. Pretty sad. They promised me that they will not buy anything new until they get me a new hard drive. Because they know that we don't have enough money for furniture and that it is not fair that we get new furniture when we don't need it instead of a new computer which we all know we desperatly need. So I may stop pulling my hair out in the future because the computer no longer will run ever so slowly, or just shut off for no apparent reason. So, until then, I will try my best to keep my temper cool. And my mood up. That's going to be hard, seeing as at school tomorrow, I will go and sit by my locker, mentally snap, and get depressed because of you-know-who. Ah, well, it will be just another week with me being the sad little sap I'm known for being. I hope that my friends aren't asses, too. If they do one thing on purpose that they know will tick me off, I swear I will tear their heads off. And eat their heart and liver. And drink their blood and feast upon their skin. And then feed them to the decomposers of the ground. Sorry, I got..carried away. I'm hungry. And my cat is tearing up the new couch. Heh. Why am I not mad? Little bitch.. Something is terribly wrong with me. I've noticed it before, but ignored it. Shouldn't have done that. I'm going soft. I was watching The Rage: Carrie 2 earlier tonight, and I actually cried throughout about half the movie. I'm not one to cry, especially through a movie, not even a romance or something. But come on, a horror movie? I'm getting pretty sad and sappy. I never should have let change come into my life. I know I can't handle changes, ones that go for the worse more-so than the ones for the better. And the bigger, the worse. What am I getting at? What's the whole change that I'm talking about... Oh, life is so cruel. I should have slept in that day. I wouldn't have gone out with my sister, I never would have let my guards down, I never should have trusted myself. I never did, but why in the bloody hell did I that day? I let my life change, into the life that had hope in it.. From despair to hope. In such a short amount of time. I should have known it would cost me in the future. I should have known this would happen, that like all the other times I've had hope, I'd be burned in the end. I never knew it could come to this extent. I should have looked away. I shouldn't have been like Alice, following that rabbit. I fell down the rabbit hole without knowing it, and hit the ground hard. And I wandered through Wonderland having the time of my life, and now its become all twisted. Some twisted mind game I'm playing on myself. Or something like it. I've grown so soft, since then. If you've read my entries from the previous year, I'm sure you'd notice the change I've undergone. All for nothing. I learned compassion for nothing. And tonight I went all out psycho because of it. It won't be long now. Before I envelope myself into my depression, my delusional world where I can see things no one else can. If only I hadn't let myself trust me, that one day, I might still be fine.. still alright. Whatever happened? |
|
It be April 20, 2002 Today was quite rummy. I don't know why. Well, I went to bed at about 10:30 last night and had no trouble falling asleep for once. The dog woke me up at 5:25, so I kicked her out of my room, closed the door tightly, and went back to sleep. My dreams weren't nightmares..in a sense. Somehow my mind was adrift into those..perverted thoughts I have. Come on, we all think about.. that stuff. Well, I woke up, halfway, and kept on dreaming. I can tell you, it had that Waterworld theme to it. *shudders* I shall get into no more details. So my morning was quite odd, then I watched the begining to The Island of Dr. Moreau. I love that movie. I saw about the first 15 minutes of it, and decided to keep up on my daily cleaning habits for once. So I got ready ot get into the shower, and just as I got the water ready, my sister came and pounded on the door. Apparently she had just got home from work, and if I wasn't going to be taking a short shower, then I should just let her take one first (Evidently, I should have realized that it was that time she usually gets home. Well I'm sorry my mind was still in a daze from some earlier events and that I hate keeping track of time when I don't have to. Therefore, I don't.) So, I packed up my clothes, got out, and wow.. I don't think I've yelled so hard lately. My voice hurts still. I was yelling quite obscene things, but my parents were gone. I haven't really talked to my sister all day. I can't wait until she moves out in a week or two. I don't care if she has no money, she can live in the gutter before I'll keep some food from my supper plate just to feed her. Yea, I had my violent urge today. I was ready to kill her as she came out of the bathroom. But I didn't. I suppose I saved myself some jail time..heh. Nah, It would have been some friendly sisterly brawl. I don't think I could actually do her in or anything. Ah, well, then my parents came home. With new furniture that we can't afford. So where's the money going to come from? We have to work harder, cut expenses, etc... They weren't too happy about that. But happy enough that tomorrow, they are going back for another loveseat. I say we keep the money and buy a new computer, something that we all actually complain and wish for. Am I just looking into things too much or something here? Anyway, we went out to eat, and then to a store. Where my mother brought up the subject of whose going to be doing my hair for confirmation. And I'm sure you can guess how things went from there. Of course I had my fit, then we fought, and I'm now not speaking to her. Tomorrows her birthday too. How come the timing for such things that happen to me in life are so bad? I think the world is out to get me and the only way to end it is to end myself. |
|
It be April 19, 2002 So sad. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. And yes, I did talk to Jon. It wasn't one of those bad conversations, but it seems like he's so distant from me now. I don't think he's very compassionate anymore, maybe it's because we aren't going out and he feels he doesn't have to be? I just think he doesn't realize somethings he says can hurt me so much. But they do. Well, after I got off the phone with him last night, I cried. I was outside, so no one could hear me cry this time. Then I came inside, wrote somewhat of a 'letter' to him, which we can catagorize by its content as a hate letter, and cried myself to sleep. Today, in school, I continued my 'letter'. It measures out to be 2 1/3 college-ruled papers long. I don't write on the backside of the paper, though. But I so wish I would have given it to him. But he probably would have thrown it away. I don't know why I bother. My friend Kathy told me in 5th hour that I shouldn't want someone who makes me feel like shit. The thing is, he doesn't try to do it. I have such problems and I just escalate their severity, and I take things the wrong way. I hate myself. I wonder if he would finally care if I cut my throat and ended this for once. |
|
It be April 18, 2002 Thursday night. I get to call Jon, so I'm happy. Although I did have a crappy day. I had unpleasent nightmares, woke up too early, and I suppose my crankiness lasted the day for me. Plus, my mouse isn't working too good for me right now which is really pissing me off. And I had to go shopping with my parents, not fun, and also got semi-dragged into a fight between my mom and my sister. The cruelty. I really feel like killing everyone, and wouldn't mind the thought of being killed right now. I suppose that'll change in a few minutes. I don't know. I am not in a mood to continue my updates. |
|
It be April 17, 2002 One week until my visit to the psychiatrist. I can't wait. Revenge..hehe. What else.. Nothing new. Today sucked, stuck to the chairs, walked home in hellish heat in dark clothes, came on here.. It's so boring here. NO, I will NOT join a school sport, or some club, or some group, or anything for that matter. Not unless I'm getting paid. I'm not as cheap as I used to be anymore. Ah, well, lets go through my day. I feel I should write alot today, don't understand why. My sister drove me to school, almost fell asleep at the stoplights, damn I didn't die. I got to school, waited for people to come, sat by the locker, talked.. I was almost late to class. First hour earth science. I hate that class and the teacher. Except, right now, we're doing astronomy, so it's alright. But I still hate it. Sex-ed was funny. Not as funny as usual, but I had a downfall. See, I was having fun laughing and giggling away, when a classmate of mine said something he shouldn't have. Actually, he didn't know, but it brought back memories to me and I almost cried. So I was silent and depressed for the rest of the day. I won't tell you what was said, but it pertains the to night Jon first asked me out. Honestly, I think I'm getting obsessed. So I'm going to un-obsess myself, no matter how torturous and hard it will be. I don't want to do it, but everyone is telling me to get over him except a few friends. So I'm confused and I have no clue what the hell I will do. Then my friend Andrea started listing some guys in my freshman class that I could gout out with. Dude, all the males in our freshman class are all either tall or short, and pale and scrawny. I hate guys like that. I prefer not tall, pale, scrawny freshmen guys who are so immature or still trying to figure out if they are really a male, but better ones..lol Yes, I'm quite picky, and I look for very specific qualities. I lied..not specific, but I have rather odd standards. But I'm not just about to pour my heart out about what kinds I like, that would be so stupid of me. Anyway, I doubt there's a chance I'll find someone decent that I'll accept from my school besides Jon, so I'll probably be alone for awhile. Thats a depressing thought. But hey, if it gets so bad, all I have to do is pull the trigger. No, I'm not dependent upon not being alone, but come one. I'm not the only one that gets jealous of other girls, right? Right. Anyway, I'm tired. I be leaving now. |
|
It be April 16 So hot, today was. I almost passed out walking home in my dark clothing, 2 miles..ugh.. The disgustingness state I was in. Sweaty, smelly, irritable. Then I had my bass lessons to go to a few minutes later. I was not happy, but managed to do good. Today sucked as usual, though. Although I got my pictures developed from my 2 cameras and according to my mother, there are some pretty "cute" ones of me and my friends..Yea.. Well, there actually are some good ones of me, but still.. |
|
It be April 15 Ah, well, school went fine. I, actually, am in pain from laughing all day, for once. See, we started sex-ed and man..that class was sooo made to be hilarious. Me and Andrea cracked jokes about it all day. Really stupid jokes. Everytime I see her, I think from now on I'll start laughing. Heh.. 'It looks like a tongue...' Ah, I'm so perverted.. And it's rubbing off onto other people, too. Go me. *sarcasm* Anyway, I burned my first Psychotica cd last night. I love 'Starfucker Love'. "I took the cat and tied it with a rope, Thought it might give me a little bit of hope, Tried to unwind with a spoonful of dope, I took the cat and tied it with a rope"...Ha! Well, I'm off. It's hot, for once, and I'm sweaty, cranky, tired, and my face still burns. I'll try and update later. |
|
It be April 14, 2002 Just got into another fight with my mom. I was being a bitch, I think. Or so she said. All I asked, was to my dad, 'who is it'?, referring to whomever was calling for me on the phone. Assholes. anyway, I had confirmation today, which put me in a really bad mood. I hate church, the people there, and what we have to sit through and learn. Plus, since we're getting confirmed in May, we have So MuCh PlAnNiNg To Do! Ugh..I could start that church on fire, and throw my parents in with it.. Okay, so I don't mean it (about my parents), but come on. The fuckers. My day has been so crappy, besides that. I woke up crying. I had another nightmare, but this one was a odd one, because it was one of those dreams where you are still dreaming, you can see the images, but you are also awake and aware of your surroundings. Anyway, I think that's why I woke up crying. See, my best friend had died (1 of the 2 people whom I've known since 3rd grade who I'd trust anything with) and I was crying in my dream about it. I remember it, too. I was standing by the side or her stretcher and I saw her dad and brother look away with tears in their eyes. (Right now, the dog in my family room was yapping her head off, so that's how I was 'awake') I looked at her and started crying. And, I myself was crying. And, being the moron I was, didn' want to 'wake up' because I wanted to see where my dream went with this. Well, I cried for aout 30 minutes until I thought 'screw this'. I got up and damn.. My face was covered in tears. Although I really can't remember the sad emotion I felt that made me cry.. Oh well, I was home alone so no one could see my tear-stained face. I hate it when that happens, especially with nightmares. Ah well. I woke up, couldn't find my black pants, which pissed me off, and its been peachy since then. I sliced my thumb open in the shower with my razor. Don't know who that happened. Its where the bone meets bone in the middle of the finger, on top..so everytime I stretch my finger, it hurts like a bitch. It was bleeding like one, too. My finger was so bloody, so I sorta drank it and had a happy breakfast of blood and strawberry pop-tarts. Then I sat out in the sun with the dog and memorized Psalm 121 that I was supposed to learn by 3:00. So, it took me only 3 hours to do so, which proves the fact that I am, indeed, getting a better memory back again. |
|
It be April 13, 2002 I'm up early..It's saturday morning, and I got up at 9:30. Hm..odd. Well, it wasn't pleasent. I was having a perfectly good dream, and my father was talking way too loud, so that woke me up. Well, I'm still in a bad mood. It picked up a bit from last night. My father rented Thir13en Ghosts last night. It was alright, but sad to say, it re-interested me into satanism, which isn't always a pleasent road to travel. But, then again, the library in this town sucks, so there's really no chance I could get too far into anything. Also, the internet sucks. I took about 3 hours last night looking for sites with satanic content, prophecies/medieval prophets, etc... and the internet has barely anything! Heh.. Being the moron I am, I actually looked around for the Black Zodiac, but the internet gave me all these shopping oppurtunities at amazon.com and crap. If anyone knows any sites about that kind of stuff, email me. Anyway, Besides the movie, everything still sucks. I wanted to call Jon, but the movie was started late and I didn't want to call his house at 10:30 at night. He probably wasn't home anyway. Also, I got into a fight with my sister. Never good. I get more violent everytime, and even though she's 3 years older than me, taller too, I'm physically stronger. It's funny. She gets beat up by her little sister. Believe me, her boyfriend finds it quite amusing. Actually, I haven't hurt her yet, I really don't want to, but if it calls for it, then perhaps I'll give her a black eye or something. It'll serve her right of throwing this huge ass melon thing at me. I suck at catching things.. Ah, well. I've got a sore spot on my neck too. It's about the size of a quarter and the skin is really raw and red. It's itching itch, too, but thats probably why it hurts. The swollen gland on my neck hasn't subsided either. I think it still looks like a little tumor instead of something in my immune system gone wrong or anything. What else..hmm.. I'm bored as hell, severely depressed, and tired with no hope of getting back to sleep. Today is really going to suck monkey balls. I got into another fight with her, a few minutes ago. Apparantly, I have no authority over my life. Heh..I just cracked a few moments, ago, I think I'll give the conversation.. easiest thing that I can remember at the moment.. mom: I think you should leave your hair like that for your confirmation. |
|
It be April 12, 2002 School sucked today. I woke up..pretty happy. For the past 4 or 5 days, I've had no nightmares that I can actually remember. All my dreams had Jon in them though, as usual. But no nightmares, so that's something unusual. Anyway..I almost brokedown at school, before first hour. I was ready to crack. I think I did after a few classes. Anyway, I still hate life, I'm no longer my happy little self again. Jon and I barely talked today. Come to think of it, we said 0 words to eachother. So, as always, I cried on my way home. Yea, it's hard to cry 2 miles, walking on the sidewalk where people I know drive by, but hey..they get to see the freak cry for once. Anyway, I tried talking to myself. Not the usual brawl or anything, but I actually listened to myself. And at the current moment, I can't fully understand how I got myself to agree to get over Jon. I mean, we haven't been going out since January 7.. Anyway, I suppose it would be better if I got over him. And I know I've said this before, but I just can't. And it's pure Hell. I haven't even hit rock bottem yet. I know what it feels like and so far, even in my suicidal urges, I know I have not yet reached the point I was at like..4 years ago. But so much has changed since then. Jamie, the cold-hearted, shy, colorfully-clothed smart-ass changed. Yea, I'm still cold-hearted a bit, but shy? Nope..Come on, I enjoy making a fool of myself infront of other people. No more color, heh. Well, only black very wide leg jeans, dark t-shirts, two black, and black boots. No longer a smart-ass either. Yes, I am mean, but come on. If your ear gets chopped off, I'll be there. Laughing, maybe, but I promise, I wont make fun of it. Or tease you and get my mouth washed out with soap. |
|
It be April 11, 2002 Well, it's thursday night.. I called Jon twice, and there was no answer.. I'll be bummed out until next week. I figured that since two weeks ago I had to tell him that I had been calling every thursday night for the past month, he'd know that if I didn't call, perhaps he might? Well, I'd call now but its after 10 and I don't want to wake anyone up at his house. I really thought that maybe he would actually dial my number. Wishful thinking, right? Perhaps I should just 'get over him' as everyone says I should. Then we all know that I can't. I never really had hope, as a child, and while growing up. I thought I was just another mistake. Well, I finally have hope, but for a worthless cause, I suppose. So sad, depressed..lonely.. But damn..I want to talk to him so badly..I look forward to calling him every day of every week, and when thursday comes around, I just can't wait.. Fuck, why do I try? Everyone says that it doesn't matter, just as long as one friend loves you, you'll be fine in life. Bite me. Yea, I have some friends who love me, I love them too, just as friends though. Sure, I'm young for love, but fucking shit.. I need more than just them.. They can't always be enough and the center of my life. |
|
It be April 10, 2002 Lie like a black-thorned rose in a sea of poppies, dream, dream for the euthanasia, dreams and dream.. - 'Euthanasia' by Psychotica. Psychotica kicks ass. I saw them on another girl's website and decided to download their music last night..I liked it so much, I burned a cd..I ended up burning 'Euthanasia', 'Ice Planet Hell', and 'Little Prince' by Psychotica, 'Like Tears in Rain', and 'Dead Stars' by Covenant, 'Too Bad' by Nickleback, 'Showdown' by Psycho Realm, 'Burn in Hell', and 'Puritania' by Dimmu Borgir, and something by Kovenant..I forget what the song was called. Anyway, all those bands kick ass. I suggest you download some of those I mentioned, especially Psychotica, Covenant, and Psycho Realm. Anyway, my days have been nothing but mood swimgs. Happy one minute, almost high as a kite, and pissed off to hell the next. Today went nice, I suppose. I had another trip to the guidance office at school, walked home with Brian, took a nap after school, and had a friend over until 9:30. I think my day was alright. Well, I think I'll end my update with Psychotica, 'Little Prince': Little Prince sits on his stone, accepts the fact that he's all alone..just like me.. |
|
It be April 8, 2002 Wow, I'm running my updates kind of close, now hm? Yea, well, I had a good day and I'm bored stiff. I went to school, slept through half my classes, talked through the others, and had a lovely time walking home in the rain. Well, I actually walked with Brian and went to his house after school. Then I forgot to call home and tell them, so they were a bit peeved. Then my mom made me do my project thats due tomorrow instead of let me go see a movie with Brian. Pissed me off. Ah, well, there's still time. After all, it is quite plentiful. I don't even now what to do with it. Perhaps I shall spread my laziness to all hours of the night and day. Nah..it's fun to do somethings. Like, when I'm done here, I'll go and practice my bass. I have a lesson tomorrow and I haven't practiced since last time. Yes, of course I feel guilty, the lessons are $17, but hey..my personality comes in first. Aah..truthfully, I really don't want to play it. Too lazy. I'm not in a band, so it's not like my quitting will actually mean something except its one more thing in life I was good at that I decided to quit. Thats what I'm all about though, right? Giving up.. Nope. I'm more weary of it. As I grew weary of many other things. |
|
It be April 5, 2002 Sorry to everyone who loved to come here and read up, I have not forgotten about this place. My life has turned into a pure hell since October, and I fell into a suicidal depression. Here's the story: After October 4th, believe me, I don't think I could have gotten any happier. I was in love with Jon; basically I would have died a thousand times for him. And I have already. We went along great..we learned many things, I suppose, and I enjoyed every minute with him. Yea, I started to hate school, but it was to be expected. Things got harder. You know, it's really hard to date offline after you've had only 2 serious relationships, both online. See, when an online boyfriend wasn't around for sometime, it was understandable. Internet connection was lost or something, so I waited. But, what kinds of excuses are there for offline ones too? I guess I took it all for granted or something, because Jon and I started to 'separate'. Well, he stood me up and I faithfully waited to talk and forgive. It only happened about twice since he asked me out, then the big one came. New Years Eve, he said he'd call me and we do something. He'd call at four, so I left my friends house at 3:45 to wait for his call. I waited 8 hours by the phone. I didn't let anyone make any phone calls on that phone line. I was yelled at, threatened that it wasn't just my house, all that good stuff. All for nothing. He didn't call any time that weekend. I learned that he called Brians house, the friend who I was with until 3:45. Apparently, Brian didn't let him talk to me and just hung up. Well, monday passed by depressingly enough, and I cried myself to sleep. I woke up tuesday feeling like shit, and I tried to hit my head into my window to prevent my having to go to school. I just got a headache, I didn't have the nerve to break the window. I didn't talk to Jon all week. Yea, he'd say hi, and I'd just glare, or say 'hey' quietly and walk off. I cried myself to sleep and slowly, I was forgiving him. Really slowly. The weekend was a hell within the one I had so suddenly created for myself. Sunday, the 6th of January, was my birthday. He had said to call him because he didn't have the work that morning, and we'd do something. I called him that morning and he wasn't home. He was at his friends' house. I kept myself sane that day, and my mom took me shopping. Well, as we were driving home, I saw him walking home as well to go to work. So, I called him when I thought he'd be home. And we talked and I ended up hanging up on him. He stood me up again. On my birthday. I was devastated, yes, and all the fury from Hell was also raging within me. I went psychotic on my parents, locked myself up, screamed, blasted my music, cried, cursed, broke down. I don't think I could have felt any worse. But that proved wrong the next day. I, once again, cried my poor self to sleep, woke up, got ready, and went to school. My day was already going bad because I had a huge ass fight with my mother. I made a deal with myself. If I pulled myself out of it, if I broke the silence with Jon, I'd become happy again. Alright, so its not a real deal, but it gave me hope. Well, monday came and I was still in a sour mood, so I didn't say anything. I didn't want to ruin that moment that we talked a real conversation. Well, the day started out with a huge ass fight between my mother and my sister and I. We all ended up leaving for work/school crying. I got to school, and if things couldn't get any worse, they did. My little monthly visitor came along, totally unexpected and out of schedule, and I had nothing with me. I was in a bad mood all day, lost friends, and hated the world. After school, Jon told me he'd call me that night for sure. So I waited. And at 7:38 p.m. on January 7, he broke up with me. I cried, threw the phone at my sister, and ran to my room. I still am trying to get over that night, the worst night in my life. I'm still trying to get over Jon, and I've failed successfully. Slowly, we have become friends again. We went through a period for a few weeks where we'd have small chat after classes and stuff. Then the silence came. And we said not one word to eachother from February to March. It was killing me. I was having panic attacks, breakdowns, suicidal fantasies. My parents were worried sick; my mom was ready to kick me out if I didn't get over him. He said that we might get back together, so I lingered on that hope. My mom disliked him, was disturbed by me, and I thought that a death, my death, would finally be worthy of his time and love. Then, thursday night, my friends Kirsten and Sara pulled me to a swimming pool at the Baymont. I'm no swimming person, if you've seen me im reluctant to go into a lake and get my feet wet (I'd probably get my whole self wet in the process of trying to escape the water). Well, I went swimming, had a great time for once in a few months. I had such a great time, I decided to top it off and call Jon. Talk to him for the first time an eternity. I called..and he wasn't home. But hey, I was hopeful. I left my name..and he called me back. We had one of those conversations that I love to have with him. You know, where neither of us are tired, or cranky, or distracted by anything else, and we're both happy, laughing, talking with not even a 5 second pause for breath. Oh, it was great. Hell, we talked about so many things, I was so happy. So, I decided to call him every thursday night, maybe some times in between. This past tuesday night, he called. And we hung up, me pissed at him. So, I figured seeing as he now knows that I call every thursday night, maybe he'd call me if I didn't call him. Maybe something was wrong, maybe I was pissed at him, maybe I wanted to see if he remembered to call. It was hard to not pick up the phone and call him last night. After all, it was thursday. I expected him to call me. And he didn't. And now I regret it and I'm back to just wanting to fucking kill and die. I suppose that's life, right? I fail everybody, and myself. So, that's basically what I've been up to lately. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a lump in my neck. It turns out it's just a swollen lymph gland and will deflate in about a month. And my mom asked him about anti-depressents. After a short talk, he and my mother, both, decided that I should see a psychiatrist. My doctor is 95% sure im either type 2 or more bipolar. My appointment is on April 24. Jon once told me a few tuesday nights ago he wanted me to be normal like I was when we were going out. You know I wasn't normal, but I've changed since then, so I suppose it is normal. Well, this new discovery..I suppose it blows the chance of me ever being normal for Jon again.. |
|
|
|
|