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Entries from year 2001.

It be October 4, 2001

Updating. Finally. Everything has been happening, so I apoligize for not updating sooner. Had I remembered I even had a life on the computer, I would have been back sooner. Highschool has started, I am freshmeat, once again. Suprisingly, highschool is hella lot cooler than middle school. Everyone *cough*mostly*cough* has matured a bit, making it easier to communicate with the outside world. Not that I want to, much, but I have a new social life. A few new friends, new atmosphere, easy classes, first offline boyfriend (who can accept my wierdness and freakish ways because he, too, is a freak), better thoughts on life..somewhat, and I have reached a new level of mental stability. But it is letting out my other self (yes, i am schizophrenic) therefore things may be getting a little odd. Don't be alarmed if i refer to myself in 3rd person, just say hi to the significant other..heh..*cough* anyso, there is not much more to say. Also, I think I will be making, yet another page, this time with my writings I write for school. Yes, they are Demonic, therefore they are worthy of being viewed by others. That's all, have a nice life.

It be August 29, 2001

Updating again. Actually, I want to announce that i got myself a slogan..or whatever you feel like calling it, for my website. I got the idea in my dream this morning. I, of course, was dying, and on a piece of paper were the words 'False Madness, True Insanity'. So there it is. Currently, I am trying to make a banner. If anyone knows a simpler way to make a banner, email me.

It be August 18, 2001

Back, to update, finally. With passion, I can say I am now immune to the anti-depressents..and they do not help. Everytime I take them, I gag them back up, even if I can get it down. Lucky me. Not much has changed. I now have retainers, they itch my gums open, sweet for blood, but not the good kind of pain. Also, today, my mother bought me a book I have wanted for awhile. Its 'The Embrace: A True Vampire Story'. Oh, and how I can relate to it. Again, there will be a new entry on my opinion page soon, so go look in a few days. Anyway, I suckered my mom into buying it for me, because I am saving up my money for a computer game, Vampire, The Masquerade: Redemption. I am also going to be getting a job, because I want those damn pants I saw at Hot Topics. For any of you who have no clue what it is, it is a cool gothic type store. It has these really wide leg black pants that I want. It has zippers going up the back of the legs, and rope type thingys criss-crossing from each leg, and they are $65. So, if I get the dishwashing job *shudder* I, hopefully, will have them by the first day of school. Just have to make that first impression for all the..newcomers.

It be June 12, 2001

Alright, sad to say the anti-depressents are having a effect on my dark mood, making it hard to update in here. It might be awhile before I write anything. Until then, sit tight.

It be June first, 2001

What is lurking? What is here? What is lurking? What you fear! Anyone ever tell you it's alright to be afraid? Is it? Let me ask you this: If you came home from wherever you were, and as you walked into your room, found a total stranger perched upon your chest in the corner of the room, positioned so their face was shadowed, what would be the immediate thing to race to your mind? Let me tell you a story. A Sunday night, I asked a friend what they would think if I didn't show up at school the next day. One simple question brings fear to ones mind. I could be lying dead, with a broken window and a slit throat, or perhaps jacked up on Opium and Morphine. Which ever, the fear for my life has been brought. Not felt by me. That day, home I stayed with not one word to a single soul. Listening to voices, fantasizing of Death, oh the things I should do! But no, fun of your fear is what was in mind. Home she came, forgetting the previous conversation. Dark, the house, cold, mysterious, hiding a secret no one could sense unless wishing to sense it. Into the room, cold and black, shaded by trees, and a form in the corner with a head held down. Perched I was, licking my lips, sensing the fear and alarm strike so suddenly to a being creaping into the truth. Ever so slowly, I looked up, grinning with a spark in my eye. Stone still she stood, as I took quiet gasps of breath. And so quietly I began to whisper "Opium Dreams!" Ah, the expression on the face, striking the fear deepest down for a friends' loss of mind. Lost? I think not. Disappearing? Yes. "They call me away, away, away. From this life, soul with a loss of hope, heart turned cold, fear in every aspect of life." All the time, keeping eyes locked, peering deep, tasting the wonder, fear, shock...whispering such things of nonsense... "You didn't believe me..you didn't...come from the heart, and you will see. Come from the body, and you will wander. Come from the life, and you will live a new life of which you see in me." Pure insanity, it was, a moment of true happiness to know someone knew parts of this pathetic chain we call life. Pity it strikes everyone down, with fear to know these things, die to live them, yet I live on. I must wonder, living out of fear of what you do not understand, how can you live? How? I slowly stepped off my perch, whispering in a still, such a tranquil, unchanging tone of voice, "As the world fades away, you wonder where you were..." Yes, lyrics, I get most of what I say from movie quotes and lyrics. Now, I was so close to her, unmoving, stone still form. Whispering ever more quietly then before, with such a expressionless look on my face, looking her straight in the eye, I quoted "Resurrect me!" and left.

It be April something, 2001

Ah, today sucked as we all could have guessed. My reasons? Well, first I was still alive physically. I woke up alive, stayed alive and i did not die yet. That pissed me off for the day. For if you haven't catched on, knowing half of you don't probably haven't, I am mostly dead. Mentally and Emotionally I have died and gone on to another realm. Curse my physical self. Anyway, my second reason? It's not that funny if you think of from my view. I don't get credited for many things or noticed for what I do at school or anywhere. While watching a Korn music video awhile ago, I decided to braid my whole head. I ran out of time and was only able to do the first few braids, 3 on each side. The next day I had my mom braid my whole head, but she sucked at it. I was planning to get it professionally done, and to be the first person at school to come in with my whole head in braids. It would not get me all the attention intended but it would raise my spirits knowing people like me for something. I have no money for it so I am still saving up. Today, at school, I was fine until a popular girl (If your interested in stalking her and killing her for me, I'd love it but I will have to talk with the Voices first) was walking down the hall surounded by some everybody. I waited for her to pass. She pushed them all away still flirting with the guys when I saw. Her whole head done in braids, every inch, every strand of hair. My heart broke, I will never be able to do it now for fear of being told I copied her. You know, I will never be noted for something on this Earth except for being right for the fact I state everyday: I will die before I am 20, by my own hands or anothers. Maybe I wasn't meant to be anything. Maybe God put me here to suffer, as he always makes me suffer. Think about it, the ironicness of how the unfortunate comes along. The pattern. The times it shows up. Think of your God. Where it might be right now. What it is doing. And how long this will torture last.

It be March something, 2001

Ever notice the small things that trigger the annoyance of being alive? If you haven't, you really should. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, remember that. It will be coming in handy one day. As anyone could expect, I'm depressed, for some reason, now, more than usual. Who knows, maybe it'll turn into self hate tomorrow and then what a war will be going on inside my world. Anyway, my plans of taking over atleast a eighth of the world have now been shattered because of the minor interrutions which will be occuring. I see some people are getting me somewhere, such as those who commit the school shootings. Ah, another opinion to read when you scroll to the bottem. As I was saying, when I finally do get enough support, knowledge and help from saints is when I will take a first stab at conquering a country. Perhaps Lucifer will come up and spread evil throught the land so I can pull a clan together, who knows. Life is meaningless and if that ever does happen, finally, something has happened that no one started!