So, there I was

So, there I was...

The Day Love Came to Town

Spanking the Highway Till it's Blue

There are long stories, and then there are short stories.

This is a long version of the latter.

And you're going to like it.

********----******* yeah *******-----*********

SO! It all begins on a blustery-fucking-cold Friday night... Michael "Unpronouncable Last Name" Jahnke and I start by goofing around with decks for the 30/30 competition, joking that we're going to need them above our 40/40 opens.

So, yes. After about 7 failed incarnations of Corrupt Unicorn (DARK MOTO SENSEI DOES NOT WORK)... yeah... anyways... I stick with something crappy.. like dueling ninja...

which, come to think of it, is still together...

...

moving on!

So, after a while, Peto mcTecha comes by, gives as well as he takes with a Corrupt Spirit Attack deck versus my Time-Tested Yodincorn (Now with Starch<tm>!)...

Peto's gunna drive, so he leaves henceforth, and Mike 'n I jib until Jer arrives. Jer's got some hot piece of action on the side, and is many lates.... We pop by the gas station for some hot eats, joke about Cops and Mike gets 3 boxes of some chewy, chewy fruity candy. The kind of candy you don't WANT to eat, because of the high probability of losing a molar or two just in chawing it.

Nonsense. So I get a pack 'a bananas and some choco-latey ice cream. Mmm.. So good.

We go back, to test Jerry's now-missing Spirit Blitz deck, which he still hasn't playtested. Well, wouldn'tcha know it, Peto took it back with him! Guess Spirit Blitz makes a comfy pillow. I wouldn't know. I sleep with Kamoko.

UNF!

So, anyways, my ass is on fire taking on Mike's foxblitz. It's just not packing punch when Yodin is somehow limiting his First Turn fox-like individuals. I play patient with the cursing, as I'm used to by now. Which is to say, it's usually me, and I'm used to that.

fuck me, running. We sorta sleep.. nevermind the 1/2 full chocolate ice-cream container on the bed by our feets.. Jerry's curled up like a ball, and I'm mindful, in my mind, at least... but, c'mon, you KNOW it's gonna make a mess. It's dark, it's gooey, and it's chocolatey. And it's on Mike's bed!!!!

Predict disaster.

G'head. Do it. It'll make ya feel better. Honest. No, Honest.

Just like the weatherman, you're wrong.

YOU'RE WRONG!!!

I'm prescient. My future wife tells me so.

I wake up, hand Mike something that vaguely resembles an ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN. Mike accepts the package and desposes of it properly, only to chide me later for even leaving it there that long. Deserved, but still.. it hurts!

Yeah. We "wake" to the sounds of Peto tromping up the ever-lovin' hardwood floor. Seven short minutes and we're out the door, getting lost in the most mindless of places.

Peto, you're a doll, a champ, and you've got the sweetest cheeks this side of the 'Ssippi, but baby, you need two people to shout out "STOP LIGHT, PETO!!!" before you skid to a slippery stop on the cold streets of Bumblefuck, Wisconsin.

Granted, it's 4 in the morning, or some jib.

So we stop at some gas station, and it's the beautiful love. I love traveling with these guys. Simple things become rioutous dance machines of pure joy. or whatever that means.

On the road, driving, 1/2 mindful of rampant stoplights, singing along to Kenny Rogers "The Gambler", we are kings of the road. Saturday morning traffic is even better than Saturday Morning cartoons... which, lately, isn't saying that much. What are these kids into, these days? I'd rather watch golf balls float.

Mebbe that's just me.

YES! We arrive!

...with the parking job that could have taken a life.. tromp downstairs and discover that we're the FIRST ONE'S THERE!! Not like that CHICAGO TOURNEY, now IS IT, GUYS?

hahahahahaahahahahh fuck me.

So, I accompany the Pre-Tourney jitters with some Pre-Tourney jib, and we've got Loomis to keep us company. Pretty soon other people start showing up...

and there's my beautiful Tessamo... all bedecked in spangles and sexual love-beads and... ohmy.. I should keep this part short.

Unf!

There. *claps hands together* That should about suffice.

There needs to be inserted in here a brief private joke.

JUAN!!! JUAN VALDEZ!!!

I think that should suffice.

Moving on to the tourney.

Round 1 - Mr. Guy with the Boner

It's not Peto's boner, which is always up and hard.

*AHEM*

Let me try that again.. It's a decent deck... but it's not close.

After about 6 turns, I've got 2 Tetsuko's and a Kamoko exp, with various Wedges and Strengths in hand, not to mention Counterattacks and Rallys. He makes the pretense of a defense, but... WhuMP!.. What am I going to do.. not attack? Riiight.

1 - 0

Round 2 - I'll be fucked if I can remember

I razzle-dazzle my way to a win, no doubt. I'm such a star that way.

2 - 0

Round 3 - Monkeys with sticks

This is why I'm such a good player. I can't remember my opponents, but I know I'm doin' all right, right?

Well, truth is, I managed to lose. I think this was a Toju Honor deck, and everything he did was in direct perfectness to whatever I had.. He spanks an early attempt at a province with some jib, then his events start turning.. If he's not Rising, he's got Peace, or Census, or the Peasants fucking Revolt and I hafta ride my magistratin' butt over to get my armor dirty in some domestic squabble for another turn.

Filthy bastard. ;)

2 - 1

Round 4 - Would it matter if I said "I love you"?

Thought not.

Well, I'm a mad jigga with tech and skills. I win this one handily. I guess.

3 - 1

Round 5 - Ah yes... Spirit, Boris Z.

Well, I think "BASH" until I see no honor 1st turn. Ooo, so I'm thinking it's Spirit Attack...

And then he Tests the mighty Gaheris. Third turn Gaheris, and he's tested out by a Superior Tactics..

FOCK!

Then Yasamura exp (fatty boombalatty) is hijacked and turns out to be a kolat. Well, shit. I come back with whatever I can... a Kolatsu inexp. I'm just trying to stay alive, as he's dropping force from his hand like nobody' business. Ashigaru?? What force _are_ those, my good sir?

"4"

FOCK!

And that's when he dropped a Secrets, and I was no longer a virgin.

He started taking provinces, and basically PK'ing the loving shiz outta me. I didn't even figure he'd be military until I saw a Sagoten with 9 force stacked on him.

Hold me, baby. I've lost.

3 - 2

Round 6 - Josh Weidner

Well, doesn't this blow? Josh is a friend, and fellow freak like me. We've been paired against each other a few times, and it's always fun, but motherfuck me now.. This is to decide who goes on.

I don't enjoy that. He doesn't either. We check the score, and we have to play.

So it is with heavy heart and an amazing draw that I face my good friend, Jibbin' Josh. He's playing Water Monk, and I figure, this is Josh, he can go either way. 5 Ring it, or Military. I expect nothing less than K-Broken start on his end, but he turns 4 personalities. Ouch, my man. That's what the Yodin is for.

So it comes down to supercloseness.. he's got 4 rings out, and 1 in his hand and 2 provinces, and 2 defenders. I've got enough to take 1 province, or 2 if I Rally/Shinjo's... which I happen to have. So I send 2 at the first province, and he Entraps.

He looks at me. I look at him. I look at my hand.

Superior Tactics.

"Oh", his face winces in pain, and mine must have done so, too, unconsciously.

I rally. He nods.

Next province, your act. Uhh, pass.

Shinjo's Breath.

Uh, pass.

Uh, good game, man. Good fucking game.

Hugs are had, and my own personal Cheerleading Squad gives me more hugs. Mmmmmmmmmmmloomis and MMMmmmmmmmmmmtessa rarrr

4 - 2

*** So now it comes down to pairings... Well, my losses were all to good decks, and it happens that they did better than me, in most cases. This is good.

I'm in.

Top 16, baby. I love ya.

So my first battle is Mike Colson with BASH.

Right.. Well, I don't remember the details, because they're largely inconsequential. What matters is that this is a CLOSE, CLOSE game.

And that I won because of SEVERE UNICORN TECH (insert boom here), namely Empty Victory and Counterattack. He's at something like 30 honor, and Empty Vic (along with 2 other events) goes off.. So I try for 2, and end up taking 1 province.. He's got 2 left, now... and he's able to use his crazy holding that lets you gain honor for each event going off, and a shrine, and some 3ph guy.. putting him at something like 38. But he's got to declare an attack...

He sends some 3ph spud, and I don't block.. He sends him home for training, unbowed... good move, guy, cuz I'm Countering.

Rar, send 2 here, and 2 there. He defends one at each. I don't have a rally, so, well, I can't Shinjo's madness if I'm sent home unbowed... He ends making a mistake which I really didn't see (I'm a good player. darrr) and smack both provinces.

It's good to be a gangsta.

----Onto the Top 8----

It's good to be in the Top 8

Well, sorta.

I get to play Brandon, with FETA.

Anyone who knows me knows... I -hate- FETA. Why? Well, shit, baby. It's just that good. It's a control deck with a minimum of ... shut the fuck up, Dave. Unicorn is just as bad.

Mmkay. So you're right.

This promises to be a game.

So it is with heavy heart and a light head that I play my friend Brandon Flores. We cut, and he goes first. Right.. Hi Taeruko. Glad to know ya.

Bitch. ;)

I get some slow ass start, with a 3 force personality and no 2nd turn boost.

It isn't until the 3rd or 4th turn that I actually start attacking provinces for fun.. and, oddly, I have favor control. WTF? No rise, though, which is making me curious. That usually means he's got the beats.

Well, he does. I SIS a finding, but he finds another (hahahh.. shut up).. there are numerous mistakes being made, but I'm able to Rally/Shinjo's for 2.

In my hand is Superior Tactics and Shinjo's Breath, and Ring of Void.

He's got 2 provinces, and I can take only One (Ring of Earth) So I send FOUR guys at one province... In my head, during his turn, I had played through what I needed to do to drop the Void ring... I needed to drop the void ring. It wasn't a question of if.. I NEEDED THE META CARDS.

So Yeah. I fuck up, completely.. This puts me off my game. I mean, he hasn't risen ONCE, and I know he's got the chance for it.. He's got 4 rings out, and well, this is my 2nd to last turn. I fuck it up, take 1 prov and say 'Go'.

He fucks something fierce, and almost concedes (Why?!) I don't know.. But I urge to play it out, not really knowing what happened. Just lots of sloppy play on both our ends. No biggie, though.. He plays a Rise on Hochiu and a Torrential on Uona exp? Some shadowlands bitch with a good ability.

I've still got ALL my meta events in the deck, and I can only hope for a RoFL... well, Iris pops up 1st province, popping the Rain and a Shahai.. okay, I think.. maybe.. I've won?? The next 3 provinces are nothing big, unfortunately.

Turns out, if RoFL showed, he'd have had to Avoid, which would have dropped 3 focus from his hand for when he defended and Dueled with Hochiu, winning the duel and laying the Ring of Fire for the win.

Yes. You win instantly. Why? Because you're playing Legend of the FIVE RINGS, DAVE!

Okay! I forgot! I thought this was... hopscotch! Wait, let me bend over and pick up my stick.. UNF! What was that? Me being anally-raped for not knowing the fucking game I was playing! OH! GOOOD!

Rar.

So, they go on to split the money, which (.. hahaha.. I'm bitter, I'll admit it) I need, too.. Who doesn't need money, though? Rar.

So, to those of you who don't know me, only my reputation (if that!), know that I'm a scrub and didn't deserve that money.

Those of you who do know me know this already... and I love you anyway :)

But this gave me time to seek refuge in the bosom of a gamer grrl or two, and all was good. Loomis bought drinks with his free 5 (Bret, you are the King... not only did you apply physical pressure to my pleasure gonad with free packs and a nice prize for actually winning this shindig, but you gave $5 dollar gift certificates to everyone involved... Very classy, very nice, and thank you again.) I bought some magic packs, because I _am_ a spud, and thank you very much for asking.

The deck is simple. 1st turn - 3 force people, or some gold to get the broker, more 'spensive peeps, a lot of Anti-Target-Me events, shit to cut through Rise and the favor, and the World Stood Still.

Rally + Shinjo's + Counterattack + Empty Victory = The only chance to really catch up with those decks that flattery you once and then drop 3 Rings right afterwards.

But don't take _my_ word for it

</Reading Rainbow>

Props and Slops?
Chills and Pills?
Do's and Don'ts?

Sure!

Do! Hold tournies with nice prizes that people might actually want.

Don't! Bitch about how this game is like that game, or how your laundry is dirty and it's all my fault.

Do! Love me for writing a completely jib tourney report devoid of functioning facts.

Don't! Try this at home.

DO! Visit my webpage at www.angelfire.com/geek/sandbar

DON'T! YOU CRY... TONIGHT... cuz I still love you. Right.

~Fin~

Fitfully yours,

Dave 'boom boom' Cook

TBP Mook and Mad Mack with the skills to disdain frills like bold and others.

war.