Some Special Jerry Springer Episodes
by Jessie

A Very Special Episode Of Jerry Springer
Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack!

PLOT: Two episodes of the popular Jerry Springer show, starring our lovable sailor soldiers. But after learning of all the sex, drugs, violence and harping of Jackie Chiang, they might not be so lovable after all...
NEW CHARACTERS: None unless you consider Jerry Springer, Steve, his security guys and random members of the audience "new"
LENGTH: 2 chapters, 5195 words

COMMENTS: No Emmys, no awards, no respect. But who needs all that when youve got loads of cash....and superheroes bashing each other's skulls in?

*hears chants of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" in her head at this fanfiction* Oh dear. There are some crossovers that should really never be done, and this one is it. Oh, sure, theoretically, if you are parodying the "Jerry Springer" song by Wierd Al, as one clever AMV artist did (as the song itself parodies the Barenaked Ladies, well-known referencers of Sailor Moon). But fanfiction?

We have here a story in script form, detailling the torrid secret lives of Sailor Moon and all of her friends in pure, OOC Springer fashion (while, of course, implying certain dub traits to some of the characters). We have cheating (Rei/Mamoru and Naru/Nephrite), BDSM (Beryl/Mamoru, later Usagi/Mamoru), insanity based off of reading fanfiction (Minako), lesbianism (Makoto, Haruka and Michiru), nudity and stripping (Beryl and Rei), ethical cheating (Ami), pointless acts of violence (Everyone; Beryl vs. Nehellenia FTW?), bloody deaths (nearly everyone), and, of course, the Q & A session. We even have, in the second part, "editing" as was tried on the Springer show in real life, apparently done to make fun of the show.

But let's face it here. None of the senshi would act like this. Ever. Much less on an American television show, where people can find out their identities. And Beryl walking around as a walking Band-Aid after surviving what happened to her? That had to be one hell of a Band-Aid because she was disintegrated. Sailor Moon killing off half of the audience? Heck no. It just doesn't work. The low-browing (and the stereotypical audience members) just doesn't work. Nor does the inclusion of Jackie Chiang who, frankly, I have no clue about. Hence, that joke falls flat.

Indeed, the only two people remotely like their normal selves are Nehellenia (who ends up being hit on by a hick) and Minako. Poor, abused Minako. Everyone claims she's crazy, and finally, she snaps and truly does go berserk, when, in reality, it was the other way around the whole time. I think even Jerry would be ashamed of these episodes if they were real - and there's little that can really shame the man. After all, he's getting loads of cash from it. But where wholescale death is concerned, he'd probably disown these ones mighty quick.

Thank goodness the author decided to stop while she was ahead - I'd rather not see an "episode" based on the show in its current incarnation. The Witches 5 Lesbian Covenant? Cow mooing at random intervals? Usagi's Fat Friend on "the pole"? No thank you.

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Sailor Moon and related characters are copyrighted ©1991-2006 Naoko Takeuchi.