Title: Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack! Name: Jessie E-mail address: blackmooncatsy@usa.net Rating: PG-13 --------------------------------------------------------------------- Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack! Written by Jessie If one wishes to talk to the author about anything, she’s reached at: blackmooncatsy@usa.net Visit Jessie’s Realm of Sailormoon at: http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/ ginza/6620 NOTES: This was written in response to the overwhelming response I got from my "Very Special Episode of Jerry Springer" fanfic...I hope to get just as much from this story.This was written during the short-lived period of time in which the show was editing out the numerous fights...I poked a slight bit of fun at that... To understand a lot of these jokes, especially the ones at the end, it’s almost mandatory that one reads Jackie Chiang’s Sailor Moon A story 6: Insanity At a Glance. ::bows to Jackie-sama and begs forgiveness for making light of her works:: [Mandatory Bandai Logo] [Clips from the coming episode] ANNOUNCER Today, On Jerry Springer...Full frontal nudity!!!!! [Clips of Sailor Mars, topless and nursing] And, of course, the mandatory fights! [Scenes showing Sailor Venus bashing Mamoru on the head with a baseball bat] All this and more on the next Jerry Springer!! [Jerry Springer’s theme song is played, and Jerry walks out to the crowd’s chants of, "Jerry, Jerry!!"] JERRY Thank you everyone. We have an exciting show planned today.In response to the amazing response we received to our episode spotlighting the Sailor Senshi, we’ve convinced them to come back to our show! [Loud cheers from the audience] JERRY If you remember, last time we saw Ms. Aino Minako, AKA Sailor Venus, she was being carted away to the nut house. Well, it appears that she’s recovered. Aino-san, could you please join us? [Minako cheerily skips onstage and sits in the first chair] JERRY So, Ms. Minako, what exactly was it that drove you insane in the first place? MINAKO I'm not crazy. JERRY (Scoffing) Sure you’re not. MINAKO (angry) Really, I'm not! That's what everyone's been telling me for these past few months. That I’m crazy. ‘Look at the nut, Minako!’ They’d say. But, I don't believe them. They're all just mistaken, deluded. They all read those Jackie Chiang fanfiction stories and think I’m just like them. JERRY Um... Okay. Anyway, in other news, the last time we saw Sailor Moon, she was pretty peeved at her boyfriend, Chiba Mamoru. She had just caught him doing some cootchy-coo with Queen Beryl. [Jerry gestures to a blood stain on the carpet] JERRY Needless to say, Beryl didn’t come out of it too well. Well, we’ve brought the happy couple back! Sailor Moon, Chiba-san, come on out! [Sailor Moon walks out, holding a taut leash. A few seconds later, Mamoru is dragged out on the other side of the same leash] MAMORU (gasping and choking) Usa... Usako... It’s really hard to breathe like this... I can walk by myself, you know... MOON Did I say you could talk? [Mamoru shakes his head silently and Sailor Moon smiles] MOON Thought not. Now, Be a good boy and shut up. AUDIENCE Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh............... [Sailor Moon takes out one of her many rods and points it at the audience] MOON And I don’t want to hear anything from you. I came on this show as a favor for one person only, and it wasn’t you! Anyone who says anything about this gets a Moon Gorgeous Meditation up their [beep]!!!! JERRY Ms. Moon, are you feeling all right? You seem a little violent today. MOON Well, it’s about time for me to stop being the ditzy blond, the crybaby, and the clutz. Besides, Minako had that market cornered long before I came along. MINAKO HEY!!! You piece of [beep]!! I’LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Minako jumps up and looks for her henshin stick. Sailor Moon smiles even more as she holds up an orange stick with the sign of Venus on it] MOON Looking for something, Minako? Isn’t it time for your medication, anyways? MINAKO Fine. [Minako pops a small pink pill. Her expression immediately turns calm and mellow] MINAKO Oooohhh, wow. I feel so much better now. MOON Just sit down, okay? [Minako sits] MOON We had to take away her henshin rod just in case she got like that. It happens a lot. JERRY All right... [To himself] Why did I agree to have another show with these nutbags? [To Sailor Moon] Ms. Moon, You said that there was only one person who convinced you to come back on this show. Who was it? MOON Myself. JERRY Excuse me? MOON You heard me. Or, rather the incarnation of myself from one of the many possible futures, which everyone has seemed to accept as the valid one even though Pluto keeps telling us that if we don’t watch out and stop being so goddamn ditzy, one day we could wake up with a garnet rod stuck through our brains, and THEN where would our future be? JERRY I’m not going to go anywhere NEAR that one. So, does this future you have a name? MOON Neo Queen Serenity. She sent a note back with Chibiusa telling me that it would be best for everyone if I came back on this cockamamie show. I don’t know nor do I care why at this point. JERRY Well, let’s see if Chibimoon can help shed some light on this situation. [A teenage Sailor Chibimoon skips out] CHIBIMOON (cheery) Hi, Usagi! What’s up? [Sailor Moon growls] JERRY So, Ms. Chibimoon, why exactly is it so important for you all to be back on this show? [Whispers] Between the two of us, I wouldn’t send my worst enemy up for torture like this. CHIBIMOON Well, Mama Mars said it was good to make sure that Mama Usagi came on this show ‘cause there’s something important that’s gonna happen that I’m not allowed to tell anyone about. MINAKO I’m not insane, y’know! JERRY Of course you’re not, Minako-san. Anyway, Ms. Chibimoon, is there anything you wish to say to anyone here? [Chibimoon waves to Mamoru] CHIBIMOON Hi, Papa!! How’re ya feeling? [Mamoru looks up from his spot on the floor] MAMORU Chibiusa-chan, you’re from the future... Please tell me she’s just going through a phase. CHIBIMOON She’s just going through a phase. [Mamoru sighs with relief] Yeah, you REALLY hated the other ones. MAMORU Other ones?? CHIBIMOON Oh, yeah! There was the one where you broke into the old Dark Kingdom base and played "Queen Beryl and Endymion," and then there was where you went to the old Dead Moon Tent and played "Neherenia and Mamoru," and then... MAMORU That’s ENOUGH, sweetie. Thank you. I didn’t really need to know that. CHIBIMOON You asked. JERRY O-Kay! This is truly an event! Four guests, and not a fight yet!! These new guidelines are really taking effect! With that in mind, let’s bring out a familiar face. The Senshi of Fire and Passion, Sailor Mars!! [A topless Sailor Mars walks out, with a small baby nursing on her] [Chibimoon skips over and waves to the baby] CHIBIMOON Hi, little me! Are you behaving for Mama Mars? I know you are! [Chibimoon takes the baby and begins playing with it] JERRY Um... Ms. Mars... This isn’t a (completely) Hentai show... yet... MARS Are you telling me that a woman can’t breastfeed wherever she pleases??? Listen, Jerry! This child has needs and I’m not going to stop whatever I’m doing in order to find a ‘private place’ so I can abide by all of your society’s ‘rules’! Things aren’t like this is the temple, y’know! There, a girl can go stark [beep]ing nekkid if she wants, and no one’ll give a rat’s ass! And y’know why? JERRY (Not really wanting to hear the answer) Why? MARS Because my Grandpa’s a Hentai old pervert who gets a kick out of the whole [beep]ing thing! JERRY I see you’ve learned quite a few vocabulary words since we last met. MOON Yeah, well, that has a lot to do with the fact that she’s been having an affair with my man!! MARS He didn’t act like ‘your’ [beep]ing man when I [beep]ed him last night! MOON You [beep]ing [beep]!!!!!!!! [Obviously cut fight scene] [Sailor Moon is now trying to cover herself with the few shreds that remain of her costume] [Sailor Mars is holding her baby and crying hysterically] MARS (In between sniffles) I... I’m sorry Usagi.... Can you ever forgive me? MOON Sure thing, Rei-chan... MOON & MARS I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! JERRY Wow, that was a once in a lifetime event! I’ve never seen such a fight on this show! It was unbelievable! I’m speechless. Let’s go to a commercial, and when we come back, I’ll have more with the Sailor Senshi! [CM Break] [The author doesn’t feel like writing in a farce of a commercial] [End of CM Break] JERRY For those just tuning in, today we’re bringing back our most popular guests to date, the Sailor Senshi. Now, last time, Sailor Mercury couldn’t be with us. But, we’ve got her here today! Let’s welcome Sailor Mercury! [Sailor Mercury walks out, and curtsies to the audience before taking a seat beside Sailor Mars] JERRY It’s great to finally meet you, Ms. Mercury. Last time, you were too busy doing Ms. Moon’s homework to come on the show. MERCURY Well, Jerry, I’ve got a confession to make... JERRY You’ve come to the right show. What is it? MERCURY I wasn’t doing Usagi’s homework that day. Although, I WAS making sure we got better grades... MOON Ami-chan, what do you mean? MERCURY I was sleeping with Tanaka-sensei... [Gasps from everyone] JERRY What? Can you explain this, Ms. Mercury? MERCURY Certainly. I never really bothered to study for all those tests. I’ve never taken a test in my life. I sleep with the teachers in exchange for A’s. JERRY But, isn’t that a little cheap of you? MERCURY Compared to what some people get away with on this show... [Glares at Mars] MERCURY I’m a nun... MARS Oh yeah? Well, I know nuns with a better sex lif--- [Finally gets what Ami was talking about] Oh, nevermind..... MOON But, Ami-chan, what about the books you were always reading? MINAKO And, the way you always used to tell me, "Don’t be crazy, Minako! Study!!" [Smiles] And, I’m not crazy, y’know. Just because I didn’t study was no reason to lock me in that big white room!! THERE WAS NO REASON!!!!!!! THERE’S NO [beep]ING REASON!!!!!!! [The Big Security Guards give Minako some tranquilizers] MERCURY ... [blinks] MERCURY Anyway, all that stuff was an act so no one got suspicious as to why I kept getting those grades. The books I’d always drag around with me were really about new positions I could try...I mean, after 12 years of screwing my teachers, I started to get bored with the same old things...I just put a cover on it that said something about "Environmental Chemistry" on it, and no one dared look in it. It was the perfect system. But now that High School’s out, I don’t worry about anyone knowing, since I have no plans for college. MARS But, I thought you wanted to be a doctor? MERCURY Oh, yeah. I’ll probably become a psychologist. All they do is sit around on their asses all day and give people like Minako pills. Any idiot can do that job. MINAKO I'M NOT INSANE, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! [A white cat comes running onto the stage] ARTEMIS Someone grab her! She’s still got her-- [Minako kicks Artemis in the gut, sending him flying into the audience] [Minako waves a pen in the air] MINAKO Moon Power Make Up!!!!!! [Minako transforms into Sailor V, complete with nifty red mask] [Minako holds up a compact] SAILOR V Crescent beam!!!!!!!! [Half the audience gets taken out] [The big Security Guards run onstage to try and stop Minako] [Minako Crescent Beams them into nonexistence] [Minako then looks behind a chair and finds the baseball bat Umino used in the last episode] SAILOR V Must... Kill... The Lovers...DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Obviously cut scene] [Someone in the Audience screams] JERRY (While trying to find his glasses) Well, that really was something. Mamoru, we’ll try and get the hospital to look at that. It can’t be anything too serious... MAMORU Gruuuu.... MOON I swear, if that bitch ever gets out of the looney bin again... MARS Baka, she can’t! You killed her, remember? [Points to the new blood stain on the run, symmetric to the one from where Beryl died] MOON Oh, yeah. It feels so good, I forget sometimes... MARS Now, don’t you start going homicidal on us, too... MOON I’m not insane!!! JERRY (Wide-eyed) Okay, [beep] the commercial break, it’s really [beep]ed up of producers to shove these [beep]ing senshi back on my nice, safe show after the [beep] they pulled last time. I’m going back to the nice, safe, hicks after this... I’m Jerry Springer, and this is my final thought. Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other... [nothing happens] JERRY GOD DANM IT!!! I ENDED THE [beep]ING SHOW ALREADY!!!! I don’t care if there’s still fifteen minutes in the show!!! I’m trying to stay alive at this point!! THIS SHOW IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!! [Jerry shoves a hand into the cameras] [Static] [End] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, what do you think? This was shorter than my first one, but I think you get the picture... ^.~ I was actually thinking of turning this into a sort of humor series. It’d involve the senshi going on different talk shows and interacting with the host (Well, I can’t very well do another Jerry fic after this... Or can I? Feedback Majority rules on this matter...). Next show? Probably either Jay Leno, Conan O’Brian, or Rosie O’Donnell... Remember my email addy: blackmooncatsy@usa.net If you want to see other fanfics I've done, or just see my page, it's at http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/ginza/6620 ---------------------------------------------------------------------